Terrispots

I have no idea what is right or wrong. I dont know what is acceptable behavior.

I dont know where to find out these things.

At my Al Anon meetings we talk about focusing on ourselves, not getting into other people's yuck. We talk about codependency, not trying to fix others, etc.

So when I need advice from others like me, people who are going to understand my pain and where I am coming from, when I need to know if I am out of line or if the boundaries I am TRYING to establish are reasonable, if my behavior is reasonable, WHO DO I ASK?

Mracoa

As long as I was looking for other's opinions of what I was doing, I was still relying on others. In essence, just asking other people to help me define my behavior is codependent behavior.

I'm still working on being an 'independant' observer of my actions. Learning to determine if what I'm doing fits the mold of 'who I want to be'. I'm still defining who I want to be, so my evaluations are still pretty fluid and prone to some internal dishonesty (that i'm also starting to become more aware of).

I've been reading about 'mindfulness' and find that helpful. Tich Nhat Hanh has several easy to read books that I've found helpful. Especially "Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child". I find a lot of my self confusion came from not caring for my inner child. I abandoned him much like I was abandoned as a child. I still don't know him well enough and he doesn't trust me yet. But we are working on our relationship.

Kialua

That can be quite a journey. A few things I can throw into the mix is
"Be wise as a serpent but gentle as a dove"
and
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
and
Etiquette and manners can be a guideline for you until you feel comfortable. There are a lot of books about etiquette and manners at the library and online if you need to brush up. Here's the gold standard to start with, it has everything from daily life to technology: Everyday Manners

But don't let anyone walk on you. Respond with a curt but polite response and be strong. It's a fine line isn't it?

GingerM

I used to pretend that someone else was doing [behavior]. What would I think of the other person? By taking it outside of myself to this hypothetical person, it was much easier for me to see through the fog of the past.

Reedling

What the steps suggest is seeking guidance from your Higher Power, and then reviewing that course of action first with a trusted confidant. It has worked for me.