just some advice/support

Old 05-22-2013, 08:02 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1
just some advice/support

So I'm new to the forum and started reading some threads before joining. Bit about me..parents never married and seperated soon after my birth. From here. them had kids prior to me very young; my dad altogether has 5 (2 younger than me with new wife) and my mom 4.

Mother is a
mean alchoholic from a mean alcholic. Father grew up strict Portuguese...hes got a huge temper that I grew up with till I was 11 and then moved in with my mom.

Was sexually abused by my moms husband that I later found out down the road she knew all about it and it happened to my older sister and younger cousin. At 14 I moved out of the house because I'd started cutting and knew I needed help.

My mom has a history of threatening to commit suicide and around my 15th birthday she began drinking and partying from stress and it went downhill at the deaths of her mom,dad, and brother. It wasn't until the last 5 years things have gotten truly bad between us, since most of my teenage years I stayed well away due to her husband.

I temporarily moved in with her and same how bad she'd gotten drinking constantly, popping a ton of anxiety pills, and has now taken up drinking nyquil.

She at bone point kicked me out threw my things out in the street and threatened to lie to the police and yell them I stabbed her because I'd fought with her and then taken the stash of beer she had that night because she'd already drank two bottles of vodka and couldn't stand.

I moved halfway across the US BG my father in 2010; things were OK between us for awhile. Then she July 4th 2012 she started up with suicide again, still drinking at this point, and telling me if I didn't forgive her for the molestation situation I was selfish. I tried to talk with her but she told men to go F*** myself and blocked me.

I haven't talked to her since then but received 46 text messages stating what a **** aunt, bad person I was how my father and family wanted me ideas and that I should go and die, among other things. I responded with get help or she wasn't going to be part of my life anymore. I would support sobriety but not this.

She involved her two other children, whom then basically attacked me with saying I was selfish and heartless doe telling her those things and that I didn't care about her. Keep in mind my sister was also one that was moleated. And told me that I had to forgive my stepfather.years ago form the molestation so my mother could have a happy Christmas.

I spent the majority of yesterday alternatively sobbing and silently raging over this whole mess again, and its making me wonder if I need to cut off contact with my two siblings now as well. I refuse to talk to my mother as it is; I'm so emotionally and mentally detached that it doesn't bother me to cut her off it only relieves me of any anxiety and anger I feel when I'm in contact with her.

The only thing that shops me are my nieces and nephews; I probably wouldn't be able to see them again if I did that. I'm just not sure where to go Frombhere
tbjockny is offline  
Old 05-22-2013, 09:11 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
I cut off contact from my father, but I left it at if he ever got sober he could call me again. It was very freeing from guilt to put the owness back on him about making contact. He did try to contact me once when he was drunk, I just reminded him not to call me until he was sober and hung up on him. I was an adult, I didn't need to deal with his drunken crazy stuff.

My brother was still in contact with Dad, but I asked him not to talk to me about him and not to talk to him about me. He asked me what to tell him when he asked about me. I told him, just say that any time you want to know, just sober up and call him.

It sounds like your conditions for future contact need to go way beyond simply being sober. Maybe something along the lines of when Mom is sober and stepfather is willing to ask for proper forgiveness, not just ask you to bury the pain of the past. Proper forgiveness to me would be admitting publically what he did. Promising to never do such a thing to another person (are your nieces and nephews safe? you may want to alert the police) and offering to pay the penalty for his crime (confess to the police, or pay for your therapy, whatever it takes).
Mracoa is offline  
Old 05-22-2013, 12:47 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
To me- getting to the stage of weeping is a good sign- a sign of healing.

I got to this when I was a kid too. But it felt really unsafe- it made me even more vulnerable...

...getting to a safe place is good. It is a start... a place to talk and to be heard...

the essence of ACA is to honour the experience and to honour each other...

DavidG is offline  
Old 05-22-2013, 01:38 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,438
This is so typical of the alcoholic and their family. When you step away to heal they all cry foul and need to keep you enmeshed to use a scapegoat. Are you drinking, drugs, as well? Many of us have found stopping drinking helps us to heal faster.

Cutting off all contact with your family is only sensible when they are harassing you like this. Please, please make your own life. You don't need these people in your life. The nieces and nephews are not enough of a reason to put yourself through this. You have the rest of your life to go to school, have a career, have a family and be happy. Believe me you can do it. It is possible.

Change your phone number and do not communicate with them. I am all for forgiving the offender, I did too. But that doesn't mean you have to take any more abuse or be responsible for anyone's happiness other than your own.

You sound young, now is the time to heal. Read through the forum, get to ACoA meetings or Alanon. Get support. We have many books in the stickies above, and many helpful posts. Read my blog, found under my name to the left.
Kialua is offline  
Old 05-22-2013, 09:27 PM
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Reedling's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
You could try staying in touch with your siblings but simply refusing to discuss your mother or the family dysfunction... focusing on the positive and keeping things light.

This strategy will take a lot of assertiveness. You probably know already if you are easily drawn into conversations you don't want to have, or not. It also means detaching so you aren't trying to get sympathy and support from people who have none to give you.

Find some meetings?
Reedling is offline  

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