zoelu

Hi everyone. It's my first time here, so this post might be a little long..

My mother comes from a long line of alcoholics and is no exception. Physical and mental abuse, name-calling, finger-pointing, lying- you name it- I remember a childhood full of it. I always thought once I was old enough to move out, I'd never have to deal with it again. Well, I just turned thirty, and I'm still dealing with it.

I've only recently noticed that my least-favorite attributes about myself are things that I can change, and not just "who I am": my short fuse, low self-confidence, lack of trust, elaborate explanations, white lies when the truth would be just as simple, inability to say "No"... the feeling that I'm asking permission when permission is not required from anyone but myself. And I've realized: these are traits I learned as a child, as a response to living with my mother.

All these years, I've thought about how she needs to get help; what I didn't realize was that- despite the fact that I am not the one with the bottle glued to my hand- I need my own form of "sober recovery". And that's why I am here. I don't believe that there is some trick that will help me never feel anger, sadness, or resentment ever again; in fact, I'm feeling a lot of it right now. I don't fool myself that we will ever have the mother-daughter relationship that we maybe should have, or that she'll ever change just because I really wish she would. All I want is to find ways to deal with my emotions so that I can alter my own actions and live for myself.

I'm curious- what are some of the ways you've dealt with the emotional side of things? Anyone else have any "bad habits" they're working on as a result of someone else's addiction?

DavidG

Yes....

Kialua

Hi, welcome. I'm probably close to twice your age and I'm still dealing with stuff now and then. A lot has gone by the wayside but things pop up uncontrollably from time to time. The one that seems to stick with me is when my husband is working around the house and drops something and gets mad. When my alcoholic dad did that he would come find me and beat me senseless. Now this hasn't happened since I was 18 but just last week again, my husband was installing a light and things were not going smooth, picture fire and sparks coming out of lightbulbs, for real.

I was in private panic waiting it out, knowing full well my husband has never hurt me and never would. But the body starts stressing out, pulse quickens, heartbeats faster. I have to tell myself it will be ok an wait it out. It was ok, I was ok and safe. He turned off the light switch, turned off the power took off the offending light fixture and put up a good one. Just one of the burdens I bear from a life of being raised by an alcoholic dad. When you are aware of a trigger then you can begin to address and deal with it. Whether it ever goes away completely or not isn't the issue, it's how you handle it.

Here are a couple more triggers for me from my blog on our forum:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dont-have.html

"Lying, when I don't have to.

...I've struggled with this my whole life too. And I am so good at it that it awes my best friend. I've told her about it and will admit when I do it. She is always shocked, and she has known me for decades. I think I could pass a lie detector test, ha ha. But she knows I hate it when I lie.

I think it stems, for me, from growing up with nothing sane. One day this answer worked, the next day it didn't from the time I could first remember. So I was always hopping around trying to figure out which answer would not get me beat but whether I told the truth or not I got beat. Even though, I never gave up trying to outsmart my AF with my quick finely honed lies. Some he believed some he didn't. But he didn't believe the truth either half the time. It became such a survival mechanism that I have to work really hard to stop it.

I have been really watching it lately since posting, it helps to discuss it..."

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-moments.html

"Lifelong side effects at unexpected moments"

Reedling

Here is the ACoA "Laundry List"--

The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

And the 13 Traits--

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html

I have most, a few I didn't get because I reacted against those traits in my qualifiers or my basic personality just goes so strongly in a different direction. It is much quicker to note the few traits I didn't get. I actually didn't get the lying one, but I can automatically deflect or shut down unwelcome conversation (simply by refusing to participate) if I don't feel ready to discuss something. It can kill intimacy in relationships and friendships because I don't let people get to know me.

However thanks to recovery work I get to enjoy a life in which these traits are mostly in remission and I have hope for the stubborn ones that still present themselves. (I do 12 step).

All these traits make a person extremely well adapted for living in an alcoholic environment. It's important for me to remember that and not shame myself over them.

Mracoa

Definitely.

I identify with the lying when the truth would be just as easy. I used to be much worse, always exaggerating things to make them more interesting, or to cover up something embarrassing or that shamed me (lots of things shame me. things shame me that wouldn't bother another person in the world.) I'm getting better about this, but still occasionally catch myself in a fish story.

I get very uncomfortable when things are going well. I get moody and anxious assuming something bad is about to happen. I get hyper vigilant, looking for that next shoe to drop. In doing so, I often create unnecessary tension that leads to a fight.

I fear being abandoned and keep people at arms length. If I don't let anyone get close, then I can't be abandoned (such crazy thinking, but it's hard to break).

So many more, I could go on and on. Just being aware helps. So, just for today, I won't tell a 'little white lie', I'll be happy that things in my life are clam and I'll love my wife and kids, even though I can't control them and maybe they will do something that hurts me. I'll worry about tomorrow some other time.

GingerM

Before:
Now: I don't care what normal is. I want to be healthy. I think the norm in our culture is Not Healthy. Just watch other drivers. I've quit guessing because 'normal' is not where I want to be.
Before:
Now: I discovered one day that I couldn't keep up with all my lies. And that lying took a LOT of energy out of me. So I swore to myself that I wouldn't do it anymore. It was like trying to break a long-standing habit, but I found that, as with any habit, the more often I caught and stopped myself, the easier it became to not do it anymore. This was the first thing about myself that I tried to change, and I haven't done this in a couple of decades now. That does not mean that every once in a while, the urge doesn't still come up, just that I can gracefully and peacefully and lovingly tell myself "no, we don't do that anymore."

Before:
Now: Mea culpa. Still working on this. I'm better, but still not where I'd like to be.

Before:
Now: Situational distress aside (e.g. divorces, dad in prison etc.) I am able to have fun. That said, I am an introvert by nature, so my version of fun and your version of fun may vary. Don't get sucked into thinking that fun is what Madison Avenue tells you. One may have fun without being surrounded by 30 of your closest friends (a situation which drains me and I find distinctly Not Fun).

Before:
Now: again, situational requirements not withstanding (e.g. calls to clients) I can be very silly (and if I know the client well enough, I'm happy to be silly with them too). I am in my mid-to-late 40's. My husband and I got into an ice cube fight in the kitchen a few weeks ago. I take my JOB very seriously, I take my RESPONSIBILITIES very seriously. I've learned that I am not my job and I am not my responsibilities, so I don't have to take myself quite so seriously.

Before:
Now: I am careful who I choose as friends. I don't have difficulty with intimate relationships, but I do 'self-parent' and allow myself enough time when getting to know someone to figure out what level of relationship I want to have with the person. Not everyone is going to be a good match for me for intimate relationship status (defined as someone I feel comfortable sharing my 'real' self with). And there's nothing wrong with that.

Before:
Now: I use the three C's as a question. Once I can identify if I caused it, can control it, or can cure it, then I decide how to react. If I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it, then I contend with it (the invisible fourth C)

Before
Now: I look at my actions and behaviors and ask me what *I* think of them. The only person in this world that I can't walk away from is me. Therefore, what anyone else thinks of my behavior is irrelevant. I give myself affirmation. I'm still working on approval.
Before:
Now: I AM different from other people. All people are different from other people. Imagine how boring (and kinda creepy, really) the world would be if we were all the same. So I am perfectly normal in being different from other people. What I choose to do with my differences is the important thing.

Before:
Now: Still super responsible. Still working on it. On good days, I can let it go.
Before:
Now: Someone better prove to me that they are deserving of my loyalty. I only have so much to give to others, my "me time" is precious. If they are not deserving, there better be something in it for me - this something is often internal such as "I will help this stranger with taking their groceries out to the car, not because of loyalty, but because I believe that it will make me feel good for having helped another human being."

Those were the characteristics that defined me some 25+ years ago, before I entered therapy. I certainly didn't recover overnight. I doubt I'll ever be "recovered". I still have triggers like Kialua discussed (one of mine is people blaming me for things I'm not responsible for or had no control over). I'm still working on them. I will probably be working on myself for the rest of my life. Only now, it doesn't feel so much like "work" as it does like "taking care of myself". That is rewarding unto itself.

Kialua

What a good exercise for us to do, thanks Ginger!

Terrispots

Yes... Mine are the low self esteem, perfectionism (while knowing that I am not - it doesnt make sense!), hypersensitivity, and more. My biggest is the hypersensitivity though. I JUST recently realized that not everyone is like that.

How am I dealing with things? Not well at the moment. I have spent most of my life ignoring it, stuffing it, dealing with it for a short period and then putting it back away. But it only comes back to the surface. Right now, I am coming here, and to Al Anon meetings. I really wish there were a ACOA meeting close to me though...

Terrispots

Ginger, you should turn this into a post for all to do for themselves also!

zoelu

This. Sometimes I feel like I am off by myself because I want nothing to do with what society thinks is normal. Other times, I waste far too much energy worrying about what (or judging myself based on what I think) the people around me think of me.

I'm trying to just realize the things that I enjoy and accept that those things can make up my life now if I let them. I'm hoping that will help with the habit-breaking as well..

DesertEyes

You all want me to make this thread a sticky?

Mike

Kialua

I like this so much I made it for us to fill in, privately copy and paste on your own computer or share with us –if you like.

13 Characteristics of Adult Children
Before and Now

Before:
1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

Now:

Before:
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

Now:

Before:
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

Now:

Before:
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

Now:

Before:
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

Now:

Before:
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

Now:

Before:
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

Now:

Before:
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

Now:

Before:
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

Now:

Before:
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

Now:

Before:
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

Now:

Before:12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

Now:

Before:
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

Now:


.

Kialua

Yes please!

Neagrm

BRILLIANT thread; thanks, Ginger, for an excellent example of how to approach and explore this important topic!

Yes, a great sticky...

DesertEyes

Done stickied under "Best of Sober Recovery for us ACoA"

Mike

EveningRose

Yes, I have definitely come out having things to work on. Of course, as members of the fallen human race, we'd all have issues to work on anyway.

I'm in my 40s and dealing with the fallout and the continued stories being told about me by my codie egg donor, and noticing since I moved closer to home that my aunts and uncles treat me differently than my cousins, even as people come to me and tell me these crazy stories my 'mother' tells people about me. It's no wonder my aunts and uncles are a little distant, because they've been hearing these stories for 40 years now, at least.

The best thing I ever did was put physical distance between myself and them. When my dad routinely threatened to kick me out, at age 18, I packed up and left, rather than waiting for the ax to fall. When he tried to choke me at age 23, I moved across country and stayed away for 12 years. When we moved back, my parents put a lot of pressure on my (now ex) husband to buy a house close to them. It's been a huge mistake. I'm getting more serious about my search for a house farther out.

I've gone to al-anon. It's time for me to go back.

I spent about 6 months in counseling with a woman who practices EMDR. (She told me after 6 months I was quite healthy and didn't need her, lol. So when my family accuses me of being crazy, I can say I'm the healthiest person I know, and I have the MMPI and counselor's word to prove it!)

I've turned to my faith and worked for forgiveness and peace and focusing on living my own life with integrity. It's worth everything in the world to me, to look back at time after time that I have walked away rather than dish it back. It helps me to know that indeed I have not deserved the things they do and say. It helps me to have self-worth regardless of all the stories codie-egg donor tells about me and what people believe.

I've stopped associating with people who are disrespectful and critical to me, and I am firm in that BECAUSE I have not been disrespectful of or critical to them. It gives me the strength to believe I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness myself.

I've made friends outside the circle of family dysfunction. This is huge. At one time, I didn't realize how much my social life centered on my family, when I first moved here, and if you're swimming in crazy, chances are you're drinking the crazy. I quit swimming in it.

I pursue things I love. I went to 43things.com and made myself a bucket list and started pursuing those things. I started traveling after years of staying home while XH traveled. It was wonderfully freeing.

Lies--I never acquired the lying habit. In fact, I realized at one point that I over-explained, and in trying to sort out why I gave too much information, realized it was because my mother routinely hinted that I was a liar as I grew up. So I was making sure that I wasn't even inadvertently giving a false impression. Once I understood that, I got better at cutting down on explanations.

But it never occurred to me she thought I was a liar until I moved home and started piecing things together--because in fact I was a very honest child. I think AF's a pervert, I think I spoke up, and I think she branded me a liar rather than deal with it. I'll never know for sure, but with that framework, all the pieces suddenly fall into place and finally make sense.

Gratitude lists--they helped a lot. I need to get back to them.

Good luck and welcome. I hope some of those ideas help. It's a lifetime process, and I need to get back to daily reading, al-anon, and possibly EMDR.

EveningRose

The loyalty one is HUGE with me. I've been far too loyal in the past, far too committed to 'keeping my word' and 'doing my share' when others weren't giving as much. My progress on this is that when I discover people have no loyalty to me in return, I switch my energy to those who do. My progress is that I now actually object, and say, "Yes, relationships DO involve some degree of loyalty, and if we don't have that, we're not going to be spending as much time together."

I'm accused of 'holding grudges' for this and 'burning bridges,' but I've reached peace--somewhat--knowing that's what they'll say and realizing it's truly insane to constantly backstab someone and yet expect them to keep being a happy cheerful sister/daughter who wants to spend time with them and swallow anything they dish out!!