Guilty now that my parents are dead
 

My mom and stepdad were both alcoholics. Fortunately, they were friendly drunks and I had a bunch of good times with them back in the day. I didn't drink in high school, mainly because I didn't want to end up as a heavy drinker like they were, but I really cut loose in college...and kept drinking through my 20s, 30, 40s and into my 50s. Wow, it's amazing I'm still alive.

Anyway, I've been married almost 29 years now. When we first got married, my wife and my family got along "OK", though my background and my wife's are very different. She was a city girl brought up by conservative parents with a fair amount of money. I was the son of hillbillies who grew up on a farm. Guess you could call us white trash. My wife and I were kind of an odd match, but it worked well for the first several years.

Back in 1993, there was a huge blow up between my wife and my mom's sister. Then my mom jumped in and piled on as well. My wife sort of had it coming because she looked down on them, but I was still shocked that it even happened--normally, my mom's family is very reserved. It takes a lot to light their fuses. And my wife dished it out and reaped the consequences.

Needless to say, my wife no longer wanted anything to do with my family after that, including family members who hadn't been involved, such as my brother, uncle and even stepfather. In 1994, we had our first and only child. My wife did not want my family to have anthing to do with our daughter. I tried to resolve things myself, but my wife wouldn't budge. I guess I don't blame her, but it did stir up a fair amount of resentment inside me. After all, this was my daughter too and I wanted my family to know their grandchild (or niece, or whatever relation).

So resentment grew in me over the years, as well as the distance between my wife and I. We went through counseling and things got a bit better...but over all these years, I did not have anything to do with my family, mainlyto keep my wife happy (ain't nobody happy when momma ain't happy).

My mom died in 2010 of pulmonary issues, while my stepdad suffered a stroke a year later, and was incapacitated until he died last summer. I felt--and still feel--a huge amount of guilt for not visiting them more often over the past two or three decades. They were loving people, in spite of their boozy ways. As resentment and sorrow built in me over those decades, I drank more and more, and became more withdrawn. I wish my daughter hadn't witnessed me becoming a drunk, but at least I was a "happy drunk" just like my parents.

What a frickin' mess am I. Been sober for two weeks now but the sadness of leaving my parents behind is still with me. They never got to meet my daughter, which breaks my heart

Sorry to get so "heavy". This is the first time I've expressed the crap that I've tried to keep repressed for a lot of years. I'm kind of old school in thinking that guys shouldn't be emotional, nor should they "share feelings" with others. That's how I grew up and maybe I should have stuck with it.

You can't change the past, so try to let go of the guilt. It's not helpful.

You may still be able to connect your daughter to your side of family by doing some of the fun things (not the drinking part) that you used to do as a kid.

I taught my daughters to fish. It's something fun we do that my wife doesn't understand or appreciate. But it was one way that my AF and I connected when I was young. We don't go often, but it's nice when we go and it's fun to raise girls who are not afraid to hook a leach and gut a fish.

Thanks Mracoa...yeah, my daughter sometimes accompanies me to old tractor and old car shows. She's not into that kind of thing, but she goes along anyway ("to be with dad"). Plus I bribe her with kettle-corn! We also fly kites and goof around with electronics. She's 18 so she REALLY likes electronics!

We all have regrets.
I know I do.
You didn't do this to make them unhappy, you were put in a difficult situation.

Maybe talking to a professional person who understands grief would help?

I think that if you share with your daughter the nice things you remember about them then this will honour their memory. Teach your daughter about the things they taught you, and what was important to them.

My best to you
xx