Mother's Day is hard
 

Hello all.

I haven't been on the forums for a while, but today, Mother's Day, hit me really hard. To give you guys some background, both my mother and father are alcoholics. My mother is much worse than my father. My brother also has drinking and drug problems. I moved home to live with all of them last month because my lease came up and I can no longer afford to live alone. I am a college student with one more semester to go, hoping that once I graduate I will be able to get away and create a healthy environment for myself.

It's not that I do not love my mother; I love my mother infinitely. I just have a hard time seeing through all of the anger I hold for her (and my father). I realize that alcoholism is a disease. But, I feel that I had to grow up too fast. I am 21 years old and from a very young age, I had to deal with my mother telling me she wanted to kill herself on a regular basis. Many nights she would come into my room drunk, waking me from sleep on a school night, to tell me that my father was a terrible husband and she just wanted to die. I hurt for her so badly, and I still do. But, as a young child, I did not understand or have any idea how to help. Now, as a young adult, I feel angry. My mother has made my life so hard. So now, on the day when I am supposed to be appreciating all that my mother has done for me, I am really struggling. I see friends on facebook and strangers around the town I live in having wonderful days with their mothers and I just get really upset about it. And then, I feel extremely guilty for being angry with my mother. It seems to cycle around from being angry to feeling guilty.

Has anyone out there struggled like this? I welcome any thoughts or advice. Thank you for reading and happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

An important reminder: Facebook is not life! What people post is what they want you to see, not how their lives really are. I'm sure my life looks pretty great, to most of my friends -- they have no idea what a mess it actually is... because I don't post all that.

Anger/guilt ping-pong is not unusual. My parents are both dead, and I'm still angry at my Dad -- fat lot of good it does me, at this point, with him long-since carted off, then scattered in the park and in the river where he grew up. These things take time. I have found that Al-Anon is a great help, in dealing with all this stuff; it doesn't magically fix my life, but it does help me help myself....

T

I am an alcoholic and have lived with an alcoholic sister in the throws of her madness, witnessed it all first hand. The threats of her killing me/ beating me up, her indiscretions, her drug use... I've seen it all with her, and then did it all myself. There is hope for you. There is hope for your mother. Just remember you are the only one who can ever take care of you. Love her but love yourself and take care of yourself. You may not be able to fix your family but you can give yourself the best life possible. You can give that to your own children some day.

I had a lot of guilt years ago around not rescuing my mom from my gambling, alcoholic, raging dad. When I went into recovery for my issues with drinking and using, I found an Al-Anon mixed group (it was for both alcoholics/addicts and the al-anons together). We laughed and we cried together and I learned the three c's that I now apply to all my relationships: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I learned that it is ok to practice self care, even though I grew up being told I was selfish when I wasn't sharing with my three younger sisters or not doing chores. Now, I am learning how to grieve gracefully through a telephone Al-Anon meeting.
If you can find a group, or a telephone meeting that resonates with you, I think you will find the answers you are seeking in order to have a serene and joyful life. And, you are young enough to really build a solid foundation for a happy life.

Yes Mothers Day is hard for most here. We had quite a thread about trying to find a Mothers Day (or Fathers Day card) for our Moms last year I think. How to get one that doesn't make you feel awful yet nice yet noncommittal. But either our Mom was the alcoholic or she was the enabler. Either way it was no fun. My Mom as he enabler and she did a lot of the same things, taking my older brother into her confidences about what a terrible husband our alcoholic Dad was and crying on his shoulder but never doing a darn thing about it. She started doing that at a really young age for him too, like he could be of any help. What a selfish thing to do. Children should never deal with adult issues.

I hope you can find a group for support while you are living there, that would help a lot. One semester is not too long if you have to live there. Congrats on the up coming graduation.

I am struggling with Mother's Day and it was comforting to come here and find this thread. Thanks everybody.

Thank you all!
 

Hey guys.

Thanks so much for all of your support. I have found a group and think I will start going. I am also looking to move out (I've been here for less than a month) after last night events. I was preparing for an interview with the superintendent of the school district I will be student teaching in for my last semester of college (a.k.a. this meeting was a really big deal for me). But, my parents were downstairs with friends until very late last night being extremely loud, drinking and doing drugs. I need out. If I am going to follow my dreams of becoming a teacher, I need to find a different environment. It's hard because I cannot really afford it, but I am looking to stay with friends for the semester or something. I cannot let my parents jeopardize what I have worked so hard for. Thanks for all the support, I really appreciate all of the advice and insight and personal stories. I will keep you all posted on my journey.

Bubble, you sound like an amazing person!
 

Hi bubble,
You sound so insightful and intelligent. IMO, it sounds like you are accepting that your parents are who they are and are not willing to change, so you are working on taking yourself out of that toxic and dysfunctional home... Good for you! Once you are out of that negative environment, and start some kind of program, whether posting on here, attending Al-Anon meetings face to face or via on-line or telephone, you will start to heal.
You will be an amazing teacher and will recognize in your students the pain you have suffered and will be able to be compassionate and understanding.

1dayatatyme,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I often struggle with wondering if I what I am doing is the right the thing. But, your encouragement and kind words really mean a lot to me. I'm at a low point right now, but I know it can get better. I just need to keep moving forward.

Thank you :)

You are moving forward
 

Hi Bubble,
I think when we live in a dysfunctional environment or are raised by alcoholic/addicted parents, we do doubt ourselves, b/c we see what is going on, but the alcoholic is in denial and we do not get the validation we need in order to learn to believe in ourselves. Our self esteem suffers and sometimes we feel "crazy". But, moving forward and getting some space between your family and yourself is the best self care you can practice right now.
When I am in what I term a "crisis" situation, that is, a situation that really has me questioning myself, my beliefs, my choices, and my God, I get a lot out of journaling, just by being as honest and real as I write about my feelings and thoughts regarding my current situation. I find it soothing while I do it. Then, later on, when I read what I had written, I am amazed at what I endured and how things turned out. In all my situations, because I either worked a 12 step program, had an empathic therapist, or very wise and support friends and healthy family members, or, like this time around, utilizing Sober Recovery for support and connection, I ended up in a much better place, due to making healthy and functional choices.