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-   -   How to deal with this situation? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/294089-how-deal-situation.html)

Jayden 05-09-2013 03:00 AM

How to deal with this situation?
 
Hi,
My mum's 36, she doesn't work, has a fiance and they have a two year old baby together.
Her fiance works night shift, and whilst he's at work she gets wasted.

She gets to the point where she struggles to talk, and has trouble walking.
She has been to the doctor, she knows she has a problem, but she's still drinking, and I don't see it stopping in the near future.
The doctor has diagnosed her with depression, and has prescribed valium and some anti depressants. (Which take two weeks to have any effect). To my knowledge, the valium was to help her with withdrawal symptoms, but she hasn't quit, so now she's mixing the two.

I would like to have my own life, but as every child loves their mother, it's hard for me to leave her alone. (I also care for my brother once she's past the point of being capable).

It is quite sad because when she's sober, she's a completely different person and capable of doing anything.

Basically, my dilemma is, my mum won't stop drinking, nobody can make her but herself, and she doesn't want to quit.

She's been caught drink driving three times, and if she gets caught again, it's more than likely she'll face jail time. (She drink drives every night).

I'm wondering would it be logical to call the police on her, so she can face her consequences, become sober, learn the world is not against her, and most importantly end the threat to herself and/or others while driving under the influence.

That is honestly my last resort, as it feels like I've tried every approach.

Sorry it's so long, just trying to get all the info in one post.


Thanks. :)

GingerM 05-09-2013 05:31 AM


I'm wondering would it be logical to call the police on her, so she can face her consequences, become sober, learn the world is not against her, and most importantly end the threat to herself and/or others while driving under the influence.
Would you be calling the police because you want her to change (which is what it sounds like) or would you be calling the police because you fear for your brother, and you fear for the lives of any other person she might likely harm during her drunk driving escapades?

I told my dad once that if he ever left my house falling down drunk again, I would call the police on him immediately and report him as a drunk driver. (Where I live, if someone is drunk at your house and you let them drive, you are considered an accomplice, even if you are unable to physically restrain them or remove their keys from them) I told him that I'd be hanged if I was going to let his stupidity land me in prison, and I certainly didn't want the guilt of him killing someone else on my conscience for the rest of my life. He absolutely didn't believe me, until I told him that I most certainly would call the police.

There is more than just your mother at stake here. Any innocent person driving along whom she hits. Anyone out on the roads at the same time she is. They are also in danger.

But let's be clear: if you're going to call the police (which I think is not a bad idea), don't do it because you expect her to change. She may be un-drunk while she's in custody, but that doesn't mean she will stay that way. And unless she seeks help for whatever is causing her to drink in the first place, she will start drinking again.

Certainly, being arrested and finding out that her son called the police will only reinforce her notion that the world is against her.

My dad has been in prison for 1.5 years now, coming up on 2 years. He is UNdrunk. He is not sober. The same faulty thought processes, the same behaviors are all still there. The only thing missing is the alcohol fueled vehemence (and the fear of getting in trouble at the prison - if he loses emotional control in prison, he can end up in solitary confinement, and possibly be charged with another crime, pretty much ensuring that he dies in prison).

Do you have any way to take care of your brother when your mum's fiance is at work? Can you take him to your house? I don't know how far away you live.

I would be far more concerned about your brother, who is innocent and also a victim here, than I would be about your mum. Is there an equivalent to Children's Protective Services in your area? That might be another way to have your mum hit bottom, without necessarily having jail time (though it sounds like the jail time is just a matter of statistics right now). Call them for neglect of your brother, not for the drunk driving. Your brother will likely be removed from the home if the fiance chooses to stay with your mum.

Those are some options. Be careful in assuming that any of these things will change your mother though. Only she can change herself. You can do no more than attempt to protect the innocent.

Gin

Chris1000101 05-09-2013 05:48 AM


Originally Posted by Jayden (Post 3957411)
I'm wondering would it be logical to call the police on her, so she can face her consequences

Think of it this way . . . How would you feel knowing she is driving drunk and hurts/kills someone? . . . A child riding their bike . . . A student walking to or from classes/work . . . A couple enjoying the sunset on their front porch together.

Would you be able to live with yourself knowing you could have saved an innocent?

Jayden 05-09-2013 07:12 AM


Originally Posted by GingerM (Post 3957576)
Would you be calling the police because you want her to change (which is what it sounds like) or would you be calling the police because you fear for your brother, and you fear for the lives of any other person she might likely harm during her drunk driving escapades?

I told my dad once that if he ever left my house falling down drunk again, I would call the police on him immediately and report him as a drunk driver. (Where I live, if someone is drunk at your house and you let them drive, you are considered an accomplice, even if you are unable to physically restrain them or remove their keys from them) I told him that I'd be hanged if I was going to let his stupidity land me in prison, and I certainly didn't want the guilt of him killing someone else on my conscience for the rest of my life. He absolutely didn't believe me, until I told him that I most certainly would call the police.

There is more than just your mother at stake here. Any innocent person driving along whom she hits. Anyone out on the roads at the same time she is. They are also in danger.

But let's be clear: if you're going to call the police (which I think is not a bad idea), don't do it because you expect her to change. She may be un-drunk while she's in custody, but that doesn't mean she will stay that way. And unless she seeks help for whatever is causing her to drink in the first place, she will start drinking again.

Certainly, being arrested and finding out that her son called the police will only reinforce her notion that the world is against her.

My dad has been in prison for 1.5 years now, coming up on 2 years. He is UNdrunk. He is not sober. The same faulty thought processes, the same behaviors are all still there. The only thing missing is the alcohol fueled vehemence (and the fear of getting in trouble at the prison - if he loses emotional control in prison, he can end up in solitary confinement, and possibly be charged with another crime, pretty much ensuring that he dies in prison).

Do you have any way to take care of your brother when your mum's fiance is at work? Can you take him to your house? I don't know how far away you live.

I would be far more concerned about your brother, who is innocent and also a victim here, than I would be about your mum. Is there an equivalent to Children's Protective Services in your area? That might be another way to have your mum hit bottom, without necessarily having jail time (though it sounds like the jail time is just a matter of statistics right now). Call them for neglect of your brother, not for the drunk driving. Your brother will likely be removed from the home if the fiance chooses to stay with your mum.

Those are some options. Be careful in assuming that any of these things will change your mother though. Only she can change herself. You can do no more than attempt to protect the innocent.

Gin

Hi, thanks for the reply.
I've recently moved in, and am taking care of my little brother for that reason. (Also helping my mum walk around the house). Where I live, you have a three strike policy, meaning if you get caught three times, it's jail time. I have hidden her keys countless times, but she ends up getting aggressive/violent so I just give in.

She went to her doctor again today, and was honest with her and told the doctor that her prescriptions weren't working. The doctor then suggested hospitalization, which would be the best thing in the world for all of our family. But, with that being said, there's very little chance of that happening. (She couldn't live without myself or my brother). I have offered to take care of my brother whilst she recovers in hospital full time, and she seemed to be considering it, knowing it would only benefit us all. Keep in mind, she was drunk while she was saying this.

It would be next to impossible to talk her into some sort of rehab whilst she was sober, because she's a completely different person when she's sober.

As for the threat to the public while she was drink driving, I'm aware that this is a possibility, but I love my sober mum too much to have the little time I have with her taken away from me. (And I don't have the money to pay for any additional fines that may occur).

I was considering this as a last resort seeing as nothing seems to be working, though it seems too drastic. I'm not too sure about the whole rehab idea as I'm only 18, and looking after my brother would be putting my future on hold even further. (Though I will do it if need be as I don't want to lose my little brother).

Has anyone got any other suggestions as to what I could do to help her?

Kialua 05-09-2013 08:31 AM

I was 18 and raising my sisters three kids. I understand the dilema you are in but you play the cards you are dealt. I didn't have any forum or groups helping me with what I should do and my Dad was an abusive alcoholic as well. I continued stepping in with her kids till they were of age in court to request living with their Dad.

Your poor little brother is really going to pay the price, his fate is sealed if the Dad or the state doesn't step in.

What's happening with your brother's Dad? Is he brain dead about the whole thing? Are there any sane relatives that would understand and help you? (I had none)

But no matter how belligerent your Mom gets you have to stick to your resolve and not give her the keys to drive drunk. I would definitely get her the three strikes and get her in the system.

Hang out here with us if you need any further help. Sounds like this is going to be long road in front of you. Bless you for caring about your brother.

Jayden 05-09-2013 09:03 AM


Originally Posted by Kialua (Post 3957776)
I was 18 and raising my sisters three kids. I understand the dilema you are in but you play the cards you are dealt. I didn't have any forum or groups helping me with what I should do and my Dad was an abusive alcoholic as well. I continued stepping in with her kids till they were of age in court to request living with their Dad.

Your poor little brother is really going to pay the price, his fate is sealed if the Dad or the state doesn't step in.

What's happening with your brother's Dad? Is he brain dead about the whole thing? Are there any sane relatives that would understand and help you? (I had none)

But no matter how belligerent your Mom gets you have to stick to your resolve and not give her the keys to drive drunk. I would definitely get her the three strikes and get her in the system.

Hang out here with us if you need any further help. Sounds like this is going to be long road in front of you. Bless you for caring about your brother.

Wow, that seems like it'd be quite the job! His dad relies on me to look after my brother while he's at work. I do have relatives that would help me, but they're all tied up in their jobs. I couldn't agree with you more about my poor little brother paying the price, which is why I'm doing everything I can to make sure he doesn't have to go through it too. & if worst came to worst, I'd take my little brother. Which would absolutely shatter my mum.

I just don't understand how she can go from the best mother on earth, to the worst mother on earth all within a few drinks. Thankfully though, she only drinks toward the evening, maybe an hour or two before my brother goes to bed.

I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to cope with doing all of this. I've had to quit my job, move out of my house, (which my girlfriend and I were living in), now she's just living there and I'm running out of money to pay my rent and we still have a month on the lease. I just don't want this to effect my life to the point where I lose everything that's important to me, girlfriend included.

Kialua 05-09-2013 02:59 PM

It's a fine line, walking between being sanity for the minors and having your own life. I did it but my husband helped a lot. It was hard, but I didn't have any support groups like this.

I would really consider getting the authorities involved as soon as possible if the Dad is not understanding what is going on and how dangerous it is. If nothing else get a caseworker file established. Oh it looks like you might not be from USA, I don't know how it works in other areas. You can't worry about who pays what fines, it's her and her fiance's problem. If she gets into a large enough financial and legal bind, and the son is taken away, it may enhance her desire to get sober and stay sober.

GingerM 05-10-2013 05:14 AM

Losing your mom to a year or two in jail is far less awful than losing your mom to death by alcohol. My dad is in prison. Prior to that, he was drinking himself to death. I much prefer him in prison. I can visit him, I can talk to him on the phone, and each interaction is not a drunk one.

I hope (but don't expect) that prison may change his drinking habits. If it doesn't, well, one of the conditions of his release is that he's not allowed to drink. If I report him for drinking, he goes back to prison. He does NOT want to go back to prison - he's got 8 1/2 years left to go before he's released.

Believe me, jail is far better than the alternative from what you describe.

The best I can say for you is that you have the strength to work through this, even if you don't feel like you do. If you didn't, you wouldn't be here now - you'd be drinking with your mum.

All we can do is make the best decisions we can with the information we have available at the time. You're not alone.

Gin


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