Mracoa

I see myself in all 13 traits, some to more or less a degree than others.

Slm65

Yes Mracoa,

I actually see all of them to some degree in my husband too, but number 1, I guess I won't know unless he tells me, I imagine with his background, he probably does.

The list is really helpful in understanding what goes on inside a ACOA.
I guess the list will help me be patient for a while, until he drives me crazy again...

Kialua

I'm sure he will drive you crazy again and that is hard I know. But remember for as much as he is driving you crazy, he is driving himself that much and more crazy. He is stuffing his life and trying to soldier on. That always cracks and then all hell breaks loose until he can stuff it again. I hope he can find some information that will help him. But help yourself first with Alanon. We say it's like being on an airplane when the oxygen masks drop you put YOURS on first, then helps others. Or you will never be able to help others.

Slm65

Kialua,

I found a meeting for Alanon next thursday, I am looking forward to going... thanks for all your support

SLady

Slm65, if you feel your husband is shutting you out emotionally, have you consider initiating? It works for your daughter, it works for me too. My husband never initiates but he will reciprocate.
Find another male figure, someone you trust to advise your son. Your husband would have guide him if he know how to, but he was never taught by his parents.

Lastly, keep a close eye on this friend of your husband. Is it a woman friend, someone you never meet? Is this the same friend he said 'I love you' to and spent one hour giving advice?
Protect your marriage, dont let anyone else comes between you and your husband.

Slm65

Thanks SLady,

Yes, I know what you mean, I am the one to initiate all affection. He's gotten better over the years and will surprise me with a kiss or grabbing my hand sometime, but I came from an affectionate family, so I initiate most of the time. (Except sex, he has no problem initiating that...)

No it was his guy friend who comes from an equally messed up family. He was giving him advise because he was having some problems with his wife and kids, and I was sitting in the same room. Then his friend said it, and it seems like it caught him off guard, but then he said it back...And just recently, another old male friend called that he hadn't talked to in years, and he ended the same way...I know nothing us going on between them, my husband is def straight, but why is that so much easier than saying it to your children?

Thanks for the advise on finding another male figure, hadn't thought about it, but that's a good idea.

Bluegalangal

Thanks for posting all of this, I am in much the same boat as you but he is also an alcoholic and an angry one. And this aspect of our marriage almost drove me up the wall. I don't feel like sex when he's been yelling at me or sniping at me, and then that causes another huge fight. I truly don't understand it.

SLady

Same problem here. What drove me up the wall is my husband 'people pleaser' traits and the toxic people he attracts in his life.

I used to tolerate them until a few years ago, when a toxic, narcissistic woman from his past deliberately set out to break up our marriage to get what she wanted. Since then, I have become paranoid and whenever another 'friend' from his past tried to get in touch with him through Facebook, letter etc., we will have a huge fight again.

I have to stop this, I cannot live in fear in case it happens again. I have already told him that if it happens again, I will leave him.

My acoa husband is not an alcoholic, thank god for that. Both he and his brother left home at a young age and wanted nothing more to do with their alcoholic father. The cycle has been broken - BIL's adult children all turned out okay, my daughter seemed okay too.

irisgardens

Both hubby and I are ACA. He also drank a lot when younger and I have been doing work for years and there have been addiction with my kids over 16 years. As he got involved in trying to do the work as a parent for his kids...his behavior improved. I almost killed myself doing work and educating myself...and had several good break-throughs...I have the rescuer part...and have had to wake up and realize that there is balance in all. We seem to have opposite parts of the ACA...e.g, I was over responsible and he was under responsible...etc. Over the years, though...we have gotten closer and through loving our kids and dealing with the addictions issues with them...we are more stable, less impulsive and more thoughtful. I have been exhausted for a while though and find myself angry and upset as my kids now start to tell me what is wrong with me...and am working to set even healthier boundaries. I always wanted a close, unified family....but now am just working to be as healthy as possible and trusting the process.

Slm65

I totally understand this. That is all I wanted, and when the kids were younger I thought we might have that. But sometimes now, I feel like my husband almost works against that, so now I just work on being close to my kids myself. Thanks for sharing your experience.

SLady

With my daughter, my husband is a loving, hands-on father. With me, I sometimes feel that he wants me close but not too close.

If a person is emotionally distant, the reason could well be 'abandonment issues'. They have this irrational fear that one day, their partner will abandon and leave them and they will get hurt. So to stop getting hurt, they keep their partner at a distance. This fear can become a self fulfilling prophecy because the neglected partner can get incredibly lonely in the marriage and eventually leave or have an affair.

Have you talk to your husband about this issue, maybe suggest marriage counselling? With my husband, we usually spend sometime talking in bed before we go to sleep. Can you get him to just talk to you before having sex?

tromboneliness

All of this sounds pretty good, to me. The issues you're describing are things you need to work on. It's not unlike the relationship my wife and I have -- we are both ACOAs and are strongly averse to confrontation... which is mostly good, but sometimes bad. The good part of it is that instead of blowing up and fighting, the way most "normal" (that is, couples that those people Out There think are normal) couples do, we go back and figure out how we are individually thinking/feeling.

We've been together a little less than 20 years, and at this point, my feeling is that there is no point in expecting our relationship to be perfect -- that's counterproductive, because the perfect is the enemy of the good, and if you want something ideal, you're never going to have it and you'll constantly be throwing away something good. My wife and I give each other a lot of room to do our own stuff, and we give each other tons of room to screw up. Which we do a lot of -- both of us. There's very little "See, I told you so," which we both grew up with constantly.

If that means we're a little distant from each other, well, ya, we're a little distant from each other -- sometimes a lot distant, as has been the case lately. That, I think, is much better than being too clingy, always in each other's business, and thinking that if we're not constantly together, doing things together, wanting to be together, thinking the same thoughts, that there's something wrong, which needs to be fixed, and if we don't start couples counseling right away, the world is going to come to an end and life will be over before we've had a chance to live it.

Would it be nice if we had an innate capacity to get over our fears, throw ACOA caution to the winds, put our guards down for good, and live a life of emotional oneness with no reservations at all in perfect unity ever after? Maybe -- but that is not happening, and there is no point in wishing it could happen. When my wife doesn't seem to care about what I'm doing (as is the case lately -- she has her own business, which I was a partner in for the first couple of years but have stepped back from, because I didn't think it was going to work, but she wouldn't give me any authority; I have a day job and am focused on that), I just get back to... the things I can change, namely, my own stuff. Her stuff? It's going to play out, one way or another, and I may not like some of the things she's doing, but I'm letting her do them -- and in the case of the business, have made it clear that she's on her own.

So there's a certain amount of distance that's always going to be there, in varying amounts. Making it disappear is not an option -- what is an option is how I focus on my own part, and how I do or don' t make myself better. Does that make sense at all?

T

Slm65

Thank you for your insight and yes, it makes a lot of sense, but I just feel like I've spent so much time working on me being patient and him being allowed to be. I know im far from perfect but i guess my frustration is that we need to communicate on some things. I don't believe in blowing up and fighting, I don't think that's normal either, but why when I want to bring up my feelings, is there this need to run like I am going to explode? I'm not being sarcastic and I'm speaking in a normal voice so what is he afraid of?

tromboneliness

I hear you -- the response you're describing is exactly what I get from my wife. Sometimes I feel as though she's completely oblivious to my pain... or whatever other feelings I might have. She's extremely afraid of any kind of anger (not that I ever display much of that, but it's left over from her father, who -- like mine -- only knew two emotions: anger and sarcasm). It's bad enough that I have to be careful when opening an envelope -- I do it quietly in the next room, so she can't hear -- because in her household, the opening of an envelope was generally followed by shouting of one sort or another.

So ya -- I get it. I guess my perspective is that I don't expect it to get fixed; we're probably always going to be like this -- but on balance, it's still pretty good. Your mileage may well vary; didn't mean to suggest that it shouldn't! This type of dilemma is pretty commonly found, in 2-recovery couples of just about any type....

T

irisgardens

tromboneliness...thank you for the insight...i have struggled with this with my husband for 38 years now...and we, too, are both ACA's...I am doing work and hubby isn't, but has gone to therapy with me...and is a really nice man...hearing from Sim 65 shows me both sides of the story. Just went through a period where I was expecting too much togetherness and it wasn't working...the stress was killing me and I was getting "too" perfect. There were triggers, but really dislike it when we go through that...have learned that I have the "power" to relax and let go working on myself and then my hubby feels better. Good to know that it is a common thing...as I always have those doubts about "what is normal."

Slm65

I appreciate that experience so much. My husbands household was the same, anger and sarcasm, so I have to tread lightly all the time. I also appreciate your comment from the perspective of an ACOA. It's helpful to hear from that viewpoint, my childhood was not perfect, a single parent home, but no abuse. I think none of us can be classified as normal really.

Slm65

Thank you! I think I'm just going to relax for a while...until I go crazy again :-)

Slm65

And Tromboneliness, this sentence is golden, I need to hang it on my fridge!

tromboneliness

Ha -- take a number, it works the same way here! :-D

T

SLady

How about writing a letter and telling him how you feel? You're not trying to change him, just changing the way you communicate with him.

It might just work and stop you going crazy again.