First time so kinda long -
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
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First time so kinda long -
This is pretty long – sorry.
Hello- my 60 yr old mother is an alcoholic. She recently has started showing symptoms of possible alcohol dementia. She is a very petite woman only weighing 95 to 100 pounds and barely 5 feet tall so the 2-3 bottles of chardonnay every day are more than she should have. She has had a few fender benders with her
car so my step father buys the wine for her so she doesn’t get a dui. But he is leaving her after 30 years of
marriage and is basically putting whatever happens in my lap.
Let me also give you some history – They married when I was 12 yrs old and quickly had two children. When I was 16 I met my now ex husband – he was abusing me and my parents knew this. After confronting him and his parents my parents kicked me out of the house sighting tough love. So I remained with him until we married after college and had a child. That was a total of 17 yrs and then I left once we had the child as I
didn’t want him to be effected by the disfunction from his father and his family. I did this with very little help from them – which was embarrassing as they are pretty well off and could have done so. My mother and I have had a relationship that has very high highs and very low lows. She would either make me feel on
top of the world or like a piece of s--- on the bottom your shoe. But I always vowed to remain a good daughter regardless of her behavior as I knew she was not a “normal” mother. And after a few attempts of telling her to go away and she would eventually call again and work her way back into my graces I came to the conclusion death will be the only end for our relationship.
Time has gone on and their children have grown up and so has mine. Now theirs are not going around her and only see him. This really gets to me as she was the mother I wished I had to them and they tell people how great their childhood was but cant be bothered with her now.
So she got very sick and was hospitalized for over a month for pancreatitis. This was her third or fourth stay at hospital for this problem. Only this was very serious this time so she remained sober for almost 8 months or so afterward. They told her she can die if she drinks with her condition it is only a matter of when it kicks in. So she started to drink after going to dinner with my step father and sister to celebrate sisters birthday. She ordered expensive wine and of course mom drank it with them. This infuriated me as she had just started to go out to eat because she had been afraid of this.
Skip to 4 months ago. She called me and said she was so disappointed in herself for drinking again. She said she was back to everyday and that step dad was bringing it home from work daily for her – just one bottle. She cried and said how could she do this again – then finally she started to say she needed rehab. She wanted a 30 -60 day inpatient program and she does not believe in 12 step – she is not a religious person. She had done 12 step outpatient (court mandated) after being arrested for calling 911 because I had taken her keys and would not give them to her a few years ago.
This began my search for a non 12 step program other than Passages which is very costly. She had talked to them and wanted to go but step dad was saying price too high. So I found a local program that was more reasonable but he was still acting like it was too much. He was pushing for Hazelden where a friend had gone that was same price as program I found. She went with me a month ago to look at the program I found locally. One week later he talked her into out of state Hazelden – she went to detox which they do there. 3 days into it they call with problems – he goes to get her and brings her home. Now she wont go anywhere and in one month is so bad I cant begin to describe. He has rented a place and is leaving this weekend- what do I do? I love her and don’t think that just giving up or in to this disease is the answer. If you love the person and don’t want to lose them how can you give up on them? She was so close a few months ago – I need some advice other than to walk away.
Hello- my 60 yr old mother is an alcoholic. She recently has started showing symptoms of possible alcohol dementia. She is a very petite woman only weighing 95 to 100 pounds and barely 5 feet tall so the 2-3 bottles of chardonnay every day are more than she should have. She has had a few fender benders with her
car so my step father buys the wine for her so she doesn’t get a dui. But he is leaving her after 30 years of
marriage and is basically putting whatever happens in my lap.
Let me also give you some history – They married when I was 12 yrs old and quickly had two children. When I was 16 I met my now ex husband – he was abusing me and my parents knew this. After confronting him and his parents my parents kicked me out of the house sighting tough love. So I remained with him until we married after college and had a child. That was a total of 17 yrs and then I left once we had the child as I
didn’t want him to be effected by the disfunction from his father and his family. I did this with very little help from them – which was embarrassing as they are pretty well off and could have done so. My mother and I have had a relationship that has very high highs and very low lows. She would either make me feel on
top of the world or like a piece of s--- on the bottom your shoe. But I always vowed to remain a good daughter regardless of her behavior as I knew she was not a “normal” mother. And after a few attempts of telling her to go away and she would eventually call again and work her way back into my graces I came to the conclusion death will be the only end for our relationship.
Time has gone on and their children have grown up and so has mine. Now theirs are not going around her and only see him. This really gets to me as she was the mother I wished I had to them and they tell people how great their childhood was but cant be bothered with her now.
So she got very sick and was hospitalized for over a month for pancreatitis. This was her third or fourth stay at hospital for this problem. Only this was very serious this time so she remained sober for almost 8 months or so afterward. They told her she can die if she drinks with her condition it is only a matter of when it kicks in. So she started to drink after going to dinner with my step father and sister to celebrate sisters birthday. She ordered expensive wine and of course mom drank it with them. This infuriated me as she had just started to go out to eat because she had been afraid of this.
Skip to 4 months ago. She called me and said she was so disappointed in herself for drinking again. She said she was back to everyday and that step dad was bringing it home from work daily for her – just one bottle. She cried and said how could she do this again – then finally she started to say she needed rehab. She wanted a 30 -60 day inpatient program and she does not believe in 12 step – she is not a religious person. She had done 12 step outpatient (court mandated) after being arrested for calling 911 because I had taken her keys and would not give them to her a few years ago.
This began my search for a non 12 step program other than Passages which is very costly. She had talked to them and wanted to go but step dad was saying price too high. So I found a local program that was more reasonable but he was still acting like it was too much. He was pushing for Hazelden where a friend had gone that was same price as program I found. She went with me a month ago to look at the program I found locally. One week later he talked her into out of state Hazelden – she went to detox which they do there. 3 days into it they call with problems – he goes to get her and brings her home. Now she wont go anywhere and in one month is so bad I cant begin to describe. He has rented a place and is leaving this weekend- what do I do? I love her and don’t think that just giving up or in to this disease is the answer. If you love the person and don’t want to lose them how can you give up on them? She was so close a few months ago – I need some advice other than to walk away.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome. So the other two kids are hers as well? And they are fine to just walk away? Not a great mom. Either was mine. My Dad was the alcoholic and he succumbed to Alzheimer's. I think if she is progressing with that the best thing to do is look into a locked facility that deals with that. We had a couple other posters discuss that. If I can find it I will link it here later. But basically they proceeded with doctors to assess the memory problems and placed them in a facility that was locked. My Dad was in a VA hospital that was very nice.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 13
Thank you Kialua- we have given that some thought. The problem is that when she was at Hazelden they had a psych eval and brain scan done on her and she cleared both of them. They said that she was not clear enough to start rehab program although they said after just 3 days she was done with detox. They said she could come back in a few weeks once she was "clear". None of what they said makes any sense to me as it seems to be contradicting.
Yes both children are theirs together. And both are very successful one is a lawyer believe it or not and should be helpful with legal advice but does not seem to be interested- she is getting married next year and they are busy planning her wedding - which he can afford but wont pay for mom to go to inpatient rehab.It would be her first time to a rehab as she has only been through detox and outpatient before.
Yes both children are theirs together. And both are very successful one is a lawyer believe it or not and should be helpful with legal advice but does not seem to be interested- she is getting married next year and they are busy planning her wedding - which he can afford but wont pay for mom to go to inpatient rehab.It would be her first time to a rehab as she has only been through detox and outpatient before.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yes that is confusing. Did you talk to Hazelden yourself or was it told to you by her or someone else?
Maybe a regular medical doctor might be more knowledgable.
About the dinner you mentioned, I never understand why family insist on having alcohol around the alcoholic. I know alcoholics are supposed to be able to withstand people drinking because that is life, but your Mom is not sober, and hasn't been in the program.
Do you think there is no hope that she would work a 12 step program? Has she tried it before and doesn't like it or doesn't she believe in God? I've read where many people still successfully worked the program.
Maybe a regular medical doctor might be more knowledgable.
About the dinner you mentioned, I never understand why family insist on having alcohol around the alcoholic. I know alcoholics are supposed to be able to withstand people drinking because that is life, but your Mom is not sober, and hasn't been in the program.
Do you think there is no hope that she would work a 12 step program? Has she tried it before and doesn't like it or doesn't she believe in God? I've read where many people still successfully worked the program.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
I relate to your determination to be a good daughter.
You write: "Now she wont go anywhere and in one month is so bad I cant begin to describe. He has rented a place and is leaving this weekend- what do I do? I love her and don’t think that just giving up or in to this disease is the answer. If you love the person and don’t want to lose them how can you give up on them? She was so close a few months ago – I need some advice other than to walk away."
I suspect her drinking has escalated with your father preparing to move out and the situation is still too new and volatile to make any kind of real intervention.
If I were in your shoes, I would drop in to see her once a day, make sure she is alive and has groceries. Keep the contact brief and positive and don't discuss her drinking. I would make my visits as stable, positive and predictable as possible, and probably early in the day. I would have this as a working plan for say the next month, and then reevaluate.
And then find Adult Child/Alanon for yourself so that you don't lose your own life in dealing with this. We can end up in much worse shape than our drinking mothers.
You write: "Now she wont go anywhere and in one month is so bad I cant begin to describe. He has rented a place and is leaving this weekend- what do I do? I love her and don’t think that just giving up or in to this disease is the answer. If you love the person and don’t want to lose them how can you give up on them? She was so close a few months ago – I need some advice other than to walk away."
I suspect her drinking has escalated with your father preparing to move out and the situation is still too new and volatile to make any kind of real intervention.
If I were in your shoes, I would drop in to see her once a day, make sure she is alive and has groceries. Keep the contact brief and positive and don't discuss her drinking. I would make my visits as stable, positive and predictable as possible, and probably early in the day. I would have this as a working plan for say the next month, and then reevaluate.
And then find Adult Child/Alanon for yourself so that you don't lose your own life in dealing with this. We can end up in much worse shape than our drinking mothers.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 13
Thank you Reedling - that is exactly what I will do and have been doing when he had been going out of town to my little sisters and his families weekends.
The problem is that it is so hard for me emotionally after I leave her house and just before I get there. I start to panic as I get closer because she wont answer phone so I have no clue what I will find when I get there. I guess I will have to find a way to deal with this since I dont see anything changing at the present. But thank you for understanding where I am coming from - and the kind response.
The problem is that it is so hard for me emotionally after I leave her house and just before I get there. I start to panic as I get closer because she wont answer phone so I have no clue what I will find when I get there. I guess I will have to find a way to deal with this since I dont see anything changing at the present. But thank you for understanding where I am coming from - and the kind response.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
Originally Posted by ArizonaGrown 
Thank you Reedling - that is exactly what I will do and have been doing when he had been going out of town to my little sisters and his families weekends.
The problem is that it is so hard for me emotionally after I leave her house and just before I get there. I start to panic as I get closer because she wont answer phone so I have no clue what I will find when I get there. I guess I will have to find a way to deal with this since I dont see anything changing at the present. But thank you for understanding where I am coming from - and the kind response.
The problem is that it is so hard for me emotionally after I leave her house and just before I get there. I start to panic as I get closer because she wont answer phone so I have no clue what I will find when I get there. I guess I will have to find a way to deal with this since I dont see anything changing at the present. But thank you for understanding where I am coming from - and the kind response.
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