nmichalicek

Hi,
This is my first time ever attempting to talk about my mother. She left when I was 13 for drugs and others. Switched to Alcohol. She lives in another state. For 24 years I accepted her, loved her, supported her, and allowed her to use me as a verbal punching bag. I can no longer allow this however I am the bad guy for getting mad and upset, I am 37 married and have my own children, what she does to me is starting to affect me around my kids.She gets mad because Id rather not go to see her. Im tired of the pain the guilt and the tears. The nearest meeting I found today is about an hour away. I'm so weak at saying the way it is to her. I want to say good-bye, Id rather not accept anything from her again. But then I feel guilty for maybe hurting her. I wrote her a poem last night because of the recent attacks she posts on Facebook. I want to give it to her, but again I am scared.

DesertEyes

Hello nmichalicek, and welcome to our corner of recovery

Many of us ACoA's have suffered thru a life like what you describe. If you take a little time to read the posts in this forum you will see that we have experienced parents a lot like what you have dealt with. We understand, the same way you can understand us.

Seems like all alcoholic parents react that way. It's always somebody else who is the bad guy.

Yes, we all are. That is why we are here.

Have you seen the lists of telephone meetings? Those are usually very good. There is a "sister" organization called al-anon, they have a lot of meetings that focus just on ACoA issues. You may want to check them out as well.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

hmmm... I dunno about "weak"... in my experience it's just _decades_ of habit. Can't be changed in just one day, that's why gather 'round and support each other as we learn new ways to live free of that "brain-washing".

Do you have to give it to her now? Can you wait for just one day? That will give you a chance to learn more about ACoA, how the various programs can give you new tools and new ideas about dealing with "toxic" parents. You may find some other suggestions that might be of use to you, if you wait for just one day.

In any case, welcome again. I'm sorry you have a need for us, but I'm glad you decided to join.

Mike
Moderator, SR

nmichalicek

Thank you, I am trying to go threw all the different resources that others have thrown out there tonight like the daughters of Narcissistic mothers site that has alot of good info too.. Thank you again.

Kialua

Welcome It sounds like it's been a long time in coming, but you need to take care of yourself. It will all work out somehow. I know it doesn't seem possible right now. But once you can emotionally detach, set boundaries, and work out your own healing it will. It's not easy, I won't kid you but anyone can do it. We have. And we are here to help, just ask.

STaylor98

The good thing about facebook is that your can always delete someone from your friends list. Im sooo sorry to hear about this situation, but do not feel guilty for trying to create a healthy enviorment for you and your children. They are innocent by standers and deserve the best. Cutting your self from your mom wouldnt make you a bad person it would make you a amazing parent. That is nothing to be ashamed of, if anything its to be commended of. You should set boundries. I know I've been trying to set boundries with my dad and its very difficult. when he gets drunk from time to time, he brings up the problems I have and I've let him do it long enough. Your mom might say you've hurt her, offended her, or that you may not love her, but after 25 years its time to love yourself. I hope all looks up for you.

Mracoa

I found that by 'abandoning' my father we were eventually able to reconnect and have some semblance of a relationship. I had to set a boundary with him. I would only talk to him when he was sober. He called me once when he was drunk, I just said, call me back when you are sober and hung up. I didn't talk to him again for 4 years.

We can't fix our alcoholic parents, and as adults we don't need to take their abuse (as we did when we were young and they were the only caregivers we had). Stepping away from that situation helps us to see clearly the dysfunctional patterns and by seeing them we can stop them.

Good luck, I hope you find what you need.

nmichalicek

Thank you everyone, all your advice has surely helped me. I'm using all I can to help strengthen and learn to heal set boundaries and step away. Thank you. I'll be hanging around to see others situations and how to learn as well.