Jur123

My siblings are not in the ACA recovery and basically don't want to hear about that. I love my sisters and it feels like I'm betraying them by moving on in my recovery and leaving them "behind". I know how stupit it sounds, but I just can't help feeling this way. I would appreciate if other people shared how they feel about their siblings or other family members who are not in recovery or deny the damage

Kialua

How old are they? Are they still living at home?

I felt like that when I was 18 and left home and had a younger sister still living with my abusive alcoholic dad. I finally had her over for a weekend and asked her how it was going, telling her to come to my place whenever she had to. She kept saying it was fine, now that I was gone. It was only me that caused any trouble. They were taking her out to restaurants and buying her candy and treats everyday since I left. They drove a wedge between us that has lasted a lifetime. She still thinks it was all my fault (and my other brothers and sisters fault) that my dad drank and beat us. Sooooo. Go figure. These alcoholics know all the tricks and use them all the time. If you read my blog it talks about how my parents treated us all differently and played us one against another. I'm the only one in my family that has taken advantage of ACoA fully. One other agrees in theory but can't be bothered to work it out. The rest deny they are acting out or that anything happened.

DavidG

My getting into Alanon and ACA recovery created a permanent rift in my family.
Our mum had spent some time in Alanon at one time, but she joined them as well. I think it was also about betraying family secrets.

In the programme am big on not giving advice. By listening hard and learning from each share I get a lot more. I think everyone has their own personal call on this family issue.

Of course- keeping in with our close family IS the preferred option, imo. In the family I had been a scapegoat for much of my life- for me making a break was the only way out.

-D.

Reedling

I sometimes feel guilty about having behind left my younger siblings when we were kids, but that guilt is sort of a cover story for feelings that are harder for me to tolerate... horror and despair. If I get in touch with what is going on at a deeper level, the guilt evaporates.

Usually for me guilt feelings end up being some kind of cover story-- healthy remorse and regret feel different.

I am likely to obsess on the thought that I've betrayed family ~because that hurts less~ than my feelings about how my parents failed to deal with the raft of horror they were bequeathed from their parents and perpetrated it on the next generation... and how this failure deeply damaged my sibs and I.

My ability to identify and tolerate my true feelings, instead of the compulsive repetitive ones, is a result of working the steps.

Jur123

Great thanks for everybody who replied. My sisters are adults so I know in my head that I'm not responsible for their lives, but still I constantly get this sick feeling that I don't have a right to move on if they are left behind.
Our mother often used to send a message that we can't be happy if she is unhappy (which she was because of her addiction and other issues). I guess this is why I feel the way I feel.

tromboneliness

It's like anything else in recovery -- we have to put on our own oxygen mask first. And then, if the others don't want the mask, well, they're entitled to their suffering.

My sister -- World's Biggest Codependent -- is like that, and although at some level she knows how our family of origin really was (messed up), she just keeps on digging in her heels and pretending everything was great.

A few months ago, one of my late father's scientific colleagues (his boss, for several years) was chosen for a prestigious national scientific medal. This guy had, my Dad felt, taken credit for a lot of work that had really been done in the lab by my Dad.

OK, so when this guy gets the award, my sister calls me and tells me about it. "I don't know how I feel about this," she says. "I mean, didn't Dad always talk about how he was taking credit for work that Dad was really doing?," etc. Keep in mind, my Dad retired in 1990 and died in 2010.

I told her not to worry about it. Then, I looked up this guy's address and dropped him a short note: "Prof. So-and-So: Congratulations on being selected for the National Scientific Medal. I'm Jim Thus-and-So's son -- and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that you're still active and are doing research in an area that was important to my father." He wrote back with a note of thanks, and said that he remembered my Dad fondly.

If my sister is never going to come around and look at how our childhood really was, there is no way to force her to do it. But that does not, in any way, shape, or form, mean I don't have the right to recover myself!

T

Kialua

That is strong tape still playing in your head. You have to rewire. Maybe write out a statement on a notecard, hang it up all over and read it daily, that says something like

My happiness does not depend on my Mothers happiness
My Mothers happiness depends entirely on herself

EveningRose

This reflects my experience quite accurately. My older sibling is miserable, still trying to jump through the hoops, as far as I know. I see no way of helping her, as she is living half in a world where she knows exactly how wrong my parents were and yet, maybe because she's still trying to please them, also buys the family line that I was really the trouble maker and still am. This makes it impossible for me to save her.

My younger siblings are the golden children, much as kialua describes. Are they happy? I don't know. They've both been on anti-depressants for years, and may still be. But I doubt they regard my father as an alcoholic. He's been the cheerful, jovial father to them, taking them on trips around the world. Again, I don't see any way I could help them. I doubt they even think there's a need for help right now; only a need for me to shape up and quit causing trouble in the family.

mrschoices

Everyone has different experiences although in dysfunctional families usually everyone is affected.
There are different family roles.
When I made my direct amends to my brother I did not mention out parents because i did not want to affect his relationship with them but he said to me, "Don't think I wasn't affected too."

He has been a real a-hole as of late but I know he was affected and I've always been crazy about him. I just can't talk to him right now because as I continue on this path of recovery he fights it.

Sometimes people are scared if recovery. They fear they might have give up spouses or other things if they are to "Rock the boat". We can never know why another person feels as they do.

I minimize exposure to whatever degree I must. I am also learning Alanon tools. The book Hopr For Today is a must-read for Adult Children.