Please share how you helped yourselves as an ACOA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 13
Please share how you helped yourselves as an ACOA
Hi all,
my father WAS an alcoholic, has passed 2 years ago. As most of you, I to this day have to live with the emotional consequences. I am really glad I found this page...you have no idea.
I'm currently in a country where therapy for this type of trauma is not popular...so I'm in it alone. I have always known that I have a problem because none of my romantic relationships lasted due to me sabotaging the same.
I have 1. low self-esteem 2. huge trust issues 3. paranoia [that my partner is looking for someone better] 4. I don't take criticism well 5. I have a short fuse 6. I sabotage happy moments 7. I am critical of myself .......the list goes on.
My question is, and I have in all these years not been able to ask this anywhere, is there hope to get better? To fix these 1. -7.s.......to live happily ever after?
I am 31 now, have a loving person in my life that I am constantly pushing away in the worst way possible and am worried that I will end up alone. Yet, all I want is a happy life, kids, ....
If you don't mind, please share any successes and most importantly how you got to those.
Thank you!
my father WAS an alcoholic, has passed 2 years ago. As most of you, I to this day have to live with the emotional consequences. I am really glad I found this page...you have no idea.
I'm currently in a country where therapy for this type of trauma is not popular...so I'm in it alone. I have always known that I have a problem because none of my romantic relationships lasted due to me sabotaging the same.
I have 1. low self-esteem 2. huge trust issues 3. paranoia [that my partner is looking for someone better] 4. I don't take criticism well 5. I have a short fuse 6. I sabotage happy moments 7. I am critical of myself .......the list goes on.
My question is, and I have in all these years not been able to ask this anywhere, is there hope to get better? To fix these 1. -7.s.......to live happily ever after?
I am 31 now, have a loving person in my life that I am constantly pushing away in the worst way possible and am worried that I will end up alone. Yet, all I want is a happy life, kids, ....
If you don't mind, please share any successes and most importantly how you got to those.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
Hi Mia,
In my family there were three rules: don't talk, don't feel and don't trust.
I did begin to talk- with Alanon for some years, and now with ACA as well... my blunted memory did improve and I could recall times when I did talk [actually as a kid I did a whole lot of listening!] I did feel some things.
Some of the people I learned to trust died on me. That wasn't their fault, or mine!
But the scales were tipped towards sickness, sadness and lostness. That was why I sought help.
This motivation was my greatest friend and ally. I see that in you too, with your honest sharing. It in itself adds to my own hope and strength...
:>) David.
In my family there were three rules: don't talk, don't feel and don't trust.
I did begin to talk- with Alanon for some years, and now with ACA as well... my blunted memory did improve and I could recall times when I did talk [actually as a kid I did a whole lot of listening!] I did feel some things.
Some of the people I learned to trust died on me. That wasn't their fault, or mine!
But the scales were tipped towards sickness, sadness and lostness. That was why I sought help.
This motivation was my greatest friend and ally. I see that in you too, with your honest sharing. It in itself adds to my own hope and strength...
:>) David.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
The step question resources on this site are awesome... that is what I did, worked the steps. I needed things simple and clear and 100% within my power to do, anyone growing up with alcoholic craziness can probably understand why, so I read whatever I could lay hands on about the steps and worked them.
Whatever angle you need, to approach the steps (secular? spiritual? religious?) ppl here or elsewhere probably have it covered.
The ACA Big Red Book has my story over and over, just found it on Kindle. It's intense reading because it is so much me.
But I have read and will read anything by anyone on the steps.
For some reason I still remember how strong I thought the NA step literature was! Super sharp, it cut through some lingering fuzz. And I in no way qualify for that particular program (I just didn't turn out that way).
Welcome! There are other paths of course but this was mine. I had most of your 1-7 to start, minus 5 because I was the proverbial beat dead horse, had no fuse left, so I really wanted to suggest maybe starting with step study. Does not require talking or trusting, you can hand off or email your 5th step to a stranger if nothing else when that time comes.
Whatever angle you need, to approach the steps (secular? spiritual? religious?) ppl here or elsewhere probably have it covered.
The ACA Big Red Book has my story over and over, just found it on Kindle. It's intense reading because it is so much me.
But I have read and will read anything by anyone on the steps.
For some reason I still remember how strong I thought the NA step literature was! Super sharp, it cut through some lingering fuzz. And I in no way qualify for that particular program (I just didn't turn out that way).
Welcome! There are other paths of course but this was mine. I had most of your 1-7 to start, minus 5 because I was the proverbial beat dead horse, had no fuse left, so I really wanted to suggest maybe starting with step study. Does not require talking or trusting, you can hand off or email your 5th step to a stranger if nothing else when that time comes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 13
Hi David,
I have been taught to live by the same rules, it's in me so much that I don't like to share anything. If anyone whom I attempted to trust shares something rather unimportant about me with others, I flip out and go right back to square 1....
I have been taught to live by the same rules, it's in me so much that I don't like to share anything. If anyone whom I attempted to trust shares something rather unimportant about me with others, I flip out and go right back to square 1....
Originally Posted by DavidG 
Hi Mia,
In my family there were three rules: don't talk, don't feel and don't trust.
I did begin to talk- with Alanon for some years, and now with ACA as well... my blunted memory did improve and I could recall times when I did talk [actually as a kid I did a whole lot of listening!] I did feel some things.
Some of the people I learned to trust died on me. That wasn't their fault, or mine!
But the scales were tipped towards sickness, sadness and lostness. That was why I sought help.
This motivation was my greatest friend and ally. I see that in you too, with your honest sharing. It in itself adds to my own hope and strength...
:>) David.
In my family there were three rules: don't talk, don't feel and don't trust.
I did begin to talk- with Alanon for some years, and now with ACA as well... my blunted memory did improve and I could recall times when I did talk [actually as a kid I did a whole lot of listening!] I did feel some things.
Some of the people I learned to trust died on me. That wasn't their fault, or mine!
But the scales were tipped towards sickness, sadness and lostness. That was why I sought help.
This motivation was my greatest friend and ally. I see that in you too, with your honest sharing. It in itself adds to my own hope and strength...
:>) David.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 13
Hi Reedling
thank you for replying. Can you tell me where on here I can find the info in regard to: The step question resources on this site are awesome... that is what I did, worked the steps.
thank you for replying. Can you tell me where on here I can find the info in regard to: The step question resources on this site are awesome... that is what I did, worked the steps.
Originally Posted by Reedling
The step question resources on this site are awesome... that is what I did, worked the steps. I needed things simple and clear and 100% within my power to do, anyone growing up with alcoholic craziness can probably understand why, so I read whatever I could lay hands on about the steps and worked them.
Whatever angle you need, to approach the steps (secular? spiritual? religious?) ppl here or elsewhere probably have it covered.
The ACA Big Red Book has my story over and over, just found it on Kindle. It's intense reading because it is so much me.
But I have read and will read anything by anyone on the steps.
For some reason I still remember how strong I thought the NA step literature was! Super sharp, it cut through some lingering fuzz. And I in no way qualify for that particular program (I just didn't turn out that way).
Welcome! There are other paths of course but this was mine. I had most of your 1-7 to start, minus 5 because I was the proverbial beat dead horse, had no fuse left, so I really wanted to suggest maybe starting with step study. Does not require talking or trusting, you can hand off or email your 5th step to a stranger if nothing else when that time comes.
Whatever angle you need, to approach the steps (secular? spiritual? religious?) ppl here or elsewhere probably have it covered.
The ACA Big Red Book has my story over and over, just found it on Kindle. It's intense reading because it is so much me.
But I have read and will read anything by anyone on the steps.
For some reason I still remember how strong I thought the NA step literature was! Super sharp, it cut through some lingering fuzz. And I in no way qualify for that particular program (I just didn't turn out that way).
Welcome! There are other paths of course but this was mine. I had most of your 1-7 to start, minus 5 because I was the proverbial beat dead horse, had no fuse left, so I really wanted to suggest maybe starting with step study. Does not require talking or trusting, you can hand off or email your 5th step to a stranger if nothing else when that time comes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
Here you go--
Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
The material in the stickies at the top of the adult child section looks really good too. I like the bill of rights as something to review on an ongoing basis.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html
Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
The material in the stickies at the top of the adult child section looks really good too. I like the bill of rights as something to review on an ongoing basis.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
For me breaking free from the belief that 'getting help' was weak was a huge step. It took a pretty nasty event in my life to turn that thinking around.
Find ACA and getting to meetings is helping me a lot. It helps to know you are not alone, and to hear other peoples stories.
If there are no groups in your area, get a copy of the big red book. Read it, meditate on it. Write some stuff out for yourself. Not to share with anyone. Just to put away and read at a later time. It helps you get perspective on yourself.
Find ACA and getting to meetings is helping me a lot. It helps to know you are not alone, and to hear other peoples stories.
If there are no groups in your area, get a copy of the big red book. Read it, meditate on it. Write some stuff out for yourself. Not to share with anyone. Just to put away and read at a later time. It helps you get perspective on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 33
Its is possible to get better. Sadly the personalitie traits you deal with may never go away but there are way to manage them. The biggest part for me was realizing the things that I need to work on. I work on those one by one. I think the most important thing before you start in your journey is building your self confidence. I couldn't get better because I didn't think I could. I was worthless and even though I never said that outlies. Me sabatoging my relationships and letting others use me said it all. What helped me is coming to this site. The member helped me to relieze that my father is very sick. Its not that he didnt love me, like me he had serious issue that had nothing to do with me, but effected the way that he treated me. After I got pass that my confidence started building. Before everytime I took a step forward in getting high self esteem that huge weight would pull me back down. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me. Im still working on myself and finding new things out all the time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
From the bill of rights:
"I have the right to not participate in the crazy-making behaviors of my family"
I have expanded this to "I have the right to not participate in the crazy-making behaviors of anyone."
"not particpate" means historically as well. You can't change the past, you can accept that the past is how you got to the present. Then ask yourself "how do I WANT to behave/feel?"
Recovery is a process, not an end. Anyone here who has gone very far down the path can tell you that you don't "get rid" of your past. You learn that it is as much a part of you as your nose. But do you get angry at your nose for making you sneeze? Or do you just accept that your nose will make you sneeze?
I am over 20 years into recovery. There are still things that will hook me into old patterns of behavior. Sometimes it takes longer than others to realize what's happening, but as soon as I do realize, I walk away - I have the right to not participate in *anyone's* crazy-making behavior (including my own! I have the right to stop beating myself up for things and I have the right to change my own behavior).
A couple of things you may want to look up online:
1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - the idea is that you change the behavior and by changing the behavior, you will change your understanding of your actions. If something triggers you, instead of behaving (note: not what you feel, just your outward behavior) the way you normally would, you actively CHOOSE what your behavior will be. Over time, this can shift how you view the world and your place in it (at least it did for me).
2. Di-electical behavioral therapy - this is the idea that every action and emotion has two sides. Minor example: my hubby drives me nuts sometimes because, for any decision, he wants to explore all the possibilities. The other side of this is that he is amazingly good at thinking outside the box when problem solving. And I love his ability to do that. So it's the same behavior which both drives me nuts and makes me love him more.
For us ACOA's, I believe one of the best things we can do is grant ourselves the credit for some of our behaviors that we label as negative, but were very very necessary for self-protection. Give yourself permission to appreciate the fact that your behaviors and emotions kept you sane enough to make it to where you are now. Perhaps even marvel at it! Then look at the other side of those behaviors - you already are looking at them. The very items you listed above protected you in the environment you were in. Now, in a different environment, they no longer work. The options are to continue to create the environment in which they work (continuing in toxic relationships) or to recognize that you need to learn entirely new behaviors.
Change is not fast, but it is well worth the effort.
"I have the right to not participate in the crazy-making behaviors of my family"
I have expanded this to "I have the right to not participate in the crazy-making behaviors of anyone."
"not particpate" means historically as well. You can't change the past, you can accept that the past is how you got to the present. Then ask yourself "how do I WANT to behave/feel?"
Recovery is a process, not an end. Anyone here who has gone very far down the path can tell you that you don't "get rid" of your past. You learn that it is as much a part of you as your nose. But do you get angry at your nose for making you sneeze? Or do you just accept that your nose will make you sneeze?
I am over 20 years into recovery. There are still things that will hook me into old patterns of behavior. Sometimes it takes longer than others to realize what's happening, but as soon as I do realize, I walk away - I have the right to not participate in *anyone's* crazy-making behavior (including my own! I have the right to stop beating myself up for things and I have the right to change my own behavior).
A couple of things you may want to look up online:
1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - the idea is that you change the behavior and by changing the behavior, you will change your understanding of your actions. If something triggers you, instead of behaving (note: not what you feel, just your outward behavior) the way you normally would, you actively CHOOSE what your behavior will be. Over time, this can shift how you view the world and your place in it (at least it did for me).
2. Di-electical behavioral therapy - this is the idea that every action and emotion has two sides. Minor example: my hubby drives me nuts sometimes because, for any decision, he wants to explore all the possibilities. The other side of this is that he is amazingly good at thinking outside the box when problem solving. And I love his ability to do that. So it's the same behavior which both drives me nuts and makes me love him more.
For us ACOA's, I believe one of the best things we can do is grant ourselves the credit for some of our behaviors that we label as negative, but were very very necessary for self-protection. Give yourself permission to appreciate the fact that your behaviors and emotions kept you sane enough to make it to where you are now. Perhaps even marvel at it! Then look at the other side of those behaviors - you already are looking at them. The very items you listed above protected you in the environment you were in. Now, in a different environment, they no longer work. The options are to continue to create the environment in which they work (continuing in toxic relationships) or to recognize that you need to learn entirely new behaviors.
Change is not fast, but it is well worth the effort.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
