Dating/Abandonment.. And taking risks.. Please Read.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 28
Dating/Abandonment.. And taking risks.. Please Read.
hello everyone,
It has been a while since I have posted and I am really in need of support for what is going on with me right now. I'd appreciate any feedback.
A few months back I posted in the introduction section and was in a dark place of my life. 25 years old, in grad school. I was experiencing immense guilt from a bender I was on drinking and I couldn't believe how amazing the support was from everyone here. I have to express my emotions somewhere and was so thankful to have you all hear me before so I was hoping to get some feedback from my fellow ACoAs.
I had been sober for a long time but around January I had a relapse and fell back into habit drinking. I quickly got back on my feet with hard work and the help of therapist. I haven't gotten drunk since then. I believe I am past the binge drinking but after stopping entirely, I have found that the root of my problem lies deeply in abandonment and fear of rejection. These are my triggers.
This is entirely related to dating and relationships for me. Whenever I am dating a woman or getting to know them, I find a way to sabotage it. I used to drink and that was my way to push women away, but since the bottle no longer has me I am left with anxiety. Another way I would sabotage potential relationships was to be entirely passive aggressive. If I felt things were off or becoming moderately uncomfortable, instead of speaking my mind and expressing or asking what I needed to know, I would avoid at all costs. I would not watch out for my emotional health and my inner child.
This is where I am now. I was talking with this woman for about a month and she was very aggressive. Texting me a lot, every day, etc. Being flirty,. It was nice. She was funny, attractive, but from a different religion. She stated to me that she had to have two alter egos because if her parents were to find out about it, she would be in big trouble. So after going out a few times we went out to dinner and she came back to my place where we got intimate. She was also aggressive here and visibly enjoying herself (not going into detail but you get the point.) after the next few days I felt her slowing down her communication with me. Did it trigger abandonment feelings? Yup. The anxiety built up. I fought it and i fought it hard.
The old me would have backed down into a corner. I would have accepted this as abandonment and retreated, but I made it a point to get clarification. Without me standing up and communicating with her, I would have fallen back into to the pervasive pattern of running away. I owed it to myself. I had to respect myself.
Anyways, I calmly brought it up to her, and for whatever reason, she said it would be better if we were just friends.... OUCH. Yeah, it stung.
My response. "I can dig it."
Now I don't foresee myself continuing any kind of pursuit with her because that's just not who I am.
Why did she respond with the "better off as friends" message?
Lack of attraction?? (Being the most baffling and questionable reason because we were ravaging each other)
Religion? Fear of corrupting herself.. Maybe.
Timing? Maybe.
Not that into me? Highly possible she lost interest
Chemistry? Who knows.
The point is this. This could have been handled in many different ways, but this was what I personally needed. I might not ever know and that is okay.
I took action in the time of fear of abandonment. Instead of being passive and avoiding my emotions, I expressed my needs in a calm, cool, collected manner. Do I still feel a little crappy about it? Yea. If I didn't act sooner and tend to my needs, there is a possibility I would have fallen into an unhealthy friendship where I wasn't being true to myself. I followed instinct and fought the anxiety.
Thank you all for reading and if you have ever been afraid to voice your needs due to fear or rejection or abandonment, I would love to hear what you have to say. I know fear of abandonment gets at us ACoAs.
Stay strong ACoAs.
Much love,
ML
It has been a while since I have posted and I am really in need of support for what is going on with me right now. I'd appreciate any feedback.
A few months back I posted in the introduction section and was in a dark place of my life. 25 years old, in grad school. I was experiencing immense guilt from a bender I was on drinking and I couldn't believe how amazing the support was from everyone here. I have to express my emotions somewhere and was so thankful to have you all hear me before so I was hoping to get some feedback from my fellow ACoAs.
I had been sober for a long time but around January I had a relapse and fell back into habit drinking. I quickly got back on my feet with hard work and the help of therapist. I haven't gotten drunk since then. I believe I am past the binge drinking but after stopping entirely, I have found that the root of my problem lies deeply in abandonment and fear of rejection. These are my triggers.
This is entirely related to dating and relationships for me. Whenever I am dating a woman or getting to know them, I find a way to sabotage it. I used to drink and that was my way to push women away, but since the bottle no longer has me I am left with anxiety. Another way I would sabotage potential relationships was to be entirely passive aggressive. If I felt things were off or becoming moderately uncomfortable, instead of speaking my mind and expressing or asking what I needed to know, I would avoid at all costs. I would not watch out for my emotional health and my inner child.
This is where I am now. I was talking with this woman for about a month and she was very aggressive. Texting me a lot, every day, etc. Being flirty,. It was nice. She was funny, attractive, but from a different religion. She stated to me that she had to have two alter egos because if her parents were to find out about it, she would be in big trouble. So after going out a few times we went out to dinner and she came back to my place where we got intimate. She was also aggressive here and visibly enjoying herself (not going into detail but you get the point.) after the next few days I felt her slowing down her communication with me. Did it trigger abandonment feelings? Yup. The anxiety built up. I fought it and i fought it hard.
The old me would have backed down into a corner. I would have accepted this as abandonment and retreated, but I made it a point to get clarification. Without me standing up and communicating with her, I would have fallen back into to the pervasive pattern of running away. I owed it to myself. I had to respect myself.
Anyways, I calmly brought it up to her, and for whatever reason, she said it would be better if we were just friends.... OUCH. Yeah, it stung.
My response. "I can dig it."
Now I don't foresee myself continuing any kind of pursuit with her because that's just not who I am.
Why did she respond with the "better off as friends" message?
Lack of attraction?? (Being the most baffling and questionable reason because we were ravaging each other)
Religion? Fear of corrupting herself.. Maybe.
Timing? Maybe.
Not that into me? Highly possible she lost interest
Chemistry? Who knows.
The point is this. This could have been handled in many different ways, but this was what I personally needed. I might not ever know and that is okay.
I took action in the time of fear of abandonment. Instead of being passive and avoiding my emotions, I expressed my needs in a calm, cool, collected manner. Do I still feel a little crappy about it? Yea. If I didn't act sooner and tend to my needs, there is a possibility I would have fallen into an unhealthy friendship where I wasn't being true to myself. I followed instinct and fought the anxiety.
Thank you all for reading and if you have ever been afraid to voice your needs due to fear or rejection or abandonment, I would love to hear what you have to say. I know fear of abandonment gets at us ACoAs.
Stay strong ACoAs.
Much love,
ML
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Well I'm far past dating, married forever so no help there. But with friends I leave the friendship way before they do. If I sense any cooling off or disrespect I'm gone. I know I shouldn't but it's ingrained and the only thing that makes me comfortable. I am struggling with that and allowing two long time friends more distance now, letting them have a detached friendship with me. As we aged and got busy with families they are too busy. Conversely I am not. My family of origin is not in my life so I have more needs for friends than they do. But I can't change their lives, so I am trying to have patience instead of feeling abandoned.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 28
Kailua,
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel much of what you are feeling. I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk, feel free to pm me. That's what we are here for. I admire your willingness to be a patient person.
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel much of what you are feeling. I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk, feel free to pm me. That's what we are here for. I admire your willingness to be a patient person.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yeah it's a fine line of having patience or feeling like I'm being walked on. Course I know they are my friends, and they tell me how much I mean to them. But. My alcoholic Dad always told me how much he loved me every time he sobered up after he beat me. So words just don't hold much meaning for me after hearing that for 18 years.
Then there are others that truly did not like me and tried to sabotage me, in work situations. Course that was fueled by incorrect jealousies orchestrated by other parties that wanted to control the saboteur and used me to frighten them, without my knowledge. So yeah, there are people that just don't like us for whatever reasons and we have to move on without being a willing participant in damaging ourselves because of their rejection. Love yourself more than they do.
Then there are others that truly did not like me and tried to sabotage me, in work situations. Course that was fueled by incorrect jealousies orchestrated by other parties that wanted to control the saboteur and used me to frighten them, without my knowledge. So yeah, there are people that just don't like us for whatever reasons and we have to move on without being a willing participant in damaging ourselves because of their rejection. Love yourself more than they do.
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