nancylee

Can you help me understand my sister-in-law? This is my husband's brother's wife, she is about 45 years old now, six years younger than my husband and I.

She is an ACOA, her father drank and was very abusive. She met my husband’s brother when she was 14, and she became a big part of his family from the start. My husband’s father was always good to her, and they helped her mother get the violent father out of the house when she was about 15. He came over for a few more years, once threw a brick through the window, really disrupted their lives.

I think my SIL dealt with the world by controlling. She studied all of the time, and had a very successful academic career. She is a physician, and is still married to my husband’s brother and has 2 kids. But from the time she was 20 or so, she has done nothing but cause trouble in the family, trying to separate her husband from the rest of the family. It started with her criticisms of my husband and I as parents, went to my husband’s sister and spouse as bad parents, then to my husband’s other sister. She and my husband’s brother actually chased my divorced and damaged sister-in-law down the street, screaming at her to “up her meds,” as “she was crazy.” No apologies ever. No remorse ever. A few months ago she and her husband went to his other sister’s house to scream at her for asking them to replace the jewelry their daughter borrowed and lost. They caused a huge brouhaha, screaming in the street, acting ridiculous.

Latest was when she and my husband’s brother went to my Mother-in-law’s house and berated her. My MIL has been caring for my very sick FIL 24/7 for 2 years. They live right behind him, and always used her as a babysitter, but they helped with my FIL very little. She felt it necessary to tell my MIL that she had been a terrible MIL, grandmother and wife to her sick husband, so she would no longer come over or talk to her. Really? My MIL is a saint. Truly, she is the kindest woman I know. She didn’t fight back, but told her other daughters, who were very upset. I wonder what the heck this woman thinks?

Can you tell me if this is typical of ACOAs who never got any therapy or help? She has always been controlling, but has also been downright mean for no reason. She eggs her husband on so that he joins her in bullying whatever family member she wants to alienate at the time. I don't give him a pass, however, because he is an adult, and makes his own decisions. I am at the point where I am going to refuse to go places she is going to be at, because she is always snippy and rude, and I just don’t want to be treated that way. My husband and his siblings, however, always give her and his brother a pass. If I could understand why she acts the way she acts, I might be able to have more compassion for her.

This is not my family, technically, it is my husband’s family, but we have to do a lot with them, so this comes up a lot. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Peace,
nancy

Reedling

Yes. It's one way the alcoholic disease manifests. Think of untreated ACoAs as vulnerable to horrific dry drunks, if that helps any.

dollydo

Our life as children, living in the home of an alcoholic, is total chaos, we have no control over our life, we are victims in the truest sense of the word. Hence, as adults, we must attempt to control everyone and every senario. Unfortunately, we do not understand that there is only one person we can control...ourselves. She also appears to have some serious anger issues, another ACOA trait.

I would set my bounderies with her, if she crosses them, I would go no contact with her, you do not have to put up with her bad behavior, if the others decide to do so, that is their choice.

m1k3

I know that for me as an ACOA, looking at the issues in other people's lives helped me not look at what a disaster my life was.

I agree with dolly, set some boundaries for yourself.

Your friend,

nancylee

Thank you for sharing what I am sure is very painful to look at. Boundaries. Thank you,
Nancy