Boogedy

My wife has an admitted drinking problem and we are working on getting her the help she needs.

My issue is that she has had a couple of episodes with drinking, noticeably drunk. We have two kids, 7 and 3 -

She become very confrontational, irrational to my request to head to bed or to stay in our room so the children dont see. As soon as she got confrontational, i decided to take the kids to her parents house to remove them from the situation. Made it look all positive to the kids, but am sure my oldest realized something up.

I have spoken to recovered alcoholics, sat in on her therapy meetings and spoke to therapists on my own. One of the key aspects used to recover is to focus on their consequences.

Am i being to harsh? I have read other posts where you try to ignore the person and let them realize their actions when they sober up. I feel that method hasnt worked, and need to make the reality of the path she is headed more real.

Thoughts?

Devushka25

You did the right thing. As a child, I always knew when my dad was drunk. He would blast the stereo at two am while my mom yelled at him then pass out on the couch with a lit cigarette in his mouth.
Maybe your wife's behaviour isn't so obvious until she's getting "belligerent" with you.
Either way, children are smarter than we think. I have numerous folders in my brain where I have stored all these moments from childhood. It's not until I'm trying to sleep or by myself with nothing good on TV that these memories come rushing back. But boy, do they ever. And looking back with an adult perspective is almost even more painful than experiencing it firsthand as a child.
Removing them from situations like you described should be your first priority. I mean, look at these boards...if you can prevent damage, do so.
As far as whether this is too harsh... i really don't think so. You can be as compassionate and gentle with your wife as you want after removing impressionable children from the equation.

Having said all that, I admire your commitment to your wife. With a good support system and obv so much to live for, I hope she comes around. Good luck to you, really.

Kialua

Yes please put the kids FIRST. Thank you. No one put me and my siblings first. We lived through hell and back. You are at the beginning of a very long journey and I wish you good luck.

deeker

Hey there, I was the drunk Mom. My son saw a lot. He is 22 now. He is happy I am sober but our relationship will never be the same. My husband felt helpless and powerless over the situation.

I hit a very low bottom, jails, institutions, suicide attempt. Maybe had my hubby had the courage to take my son and leave maybe I would have woken up and hit bottom but even that is no guarantee.

It is hard to read your post because it makes me see how helpless my hubby felt. I really feel for you. You might want to check out al-anon.

My hubby and son learned how to go on with their lives despite my alcoholism in the same house. My hubby did have experience with Al-anon in the past and he did his very best to make life as normal as possible for my son. But it was completely selfish of me.

I do want you to know that your wife if she is anything like I was wakes up with such guilt and remorse because what she is doing to her kids and she just doesn't know what to so cuz she feels stuck.

She doesn't know how to stop.

I tried to minimize my drinking saying I was functional, buy I blackedout most days. Have you ever thought of maybe having an intervention with family? Just a suggestion.

My heart goes out to you and I wish I could go back and change the past. I hope you both make it. My hubby and I are still together 28 yrs yesterday, my son is a successful senior at UCF. But I am sure his memories are very painful.

Do what you need to do for your children. Maybe seek counsel from Al-Anon. God Bless You! I can't go back and change the past but your wife still has time to get it together before any real damage is caused to the kids. God Bless You!

NWGRITS

Put the children first. Nobody stood up to protect my sister and myself, and here I am at 29 just realizing how deeply screwed up I am. I've been in therapy for months and we're still laying out the family dynamics from my childhood and starting to scratch the surface of the abuse I endured. Kids who grow up in alcoholic homes have no point of reference for what "normal" is. They adopt behaviors that are modeled for them, and are known for having "broken pickers" when it comes to choosing mates of their own. The focus needs to come off the alcoholic and be on establishing healthy habits for yourself and your children. They need someone to guide them along the right path so that they don't end up where I am now. It's not a fun place to be, believe me.

Carol Star

Set boundaries.....if you do ----- I will do -----. And mean it....! I will go to a motel, go to social services, take them to grandma's, call the police, get a seperation and get you to move, or talk to a lawyer.....

MusicLanguage

Protect your children. It is completely rational and instinctual to put them first. If she wants to change, she has to do it on her own time. I can speak from how much of a traumatic impact it had on me seeing my dad drunk. It still hits me at the core to the day. My mother tried her best to get us away but she was an enabler/fixer. It really hurt that she didn't get us away from him but I am getting better as I go through my journey.

Best wishes to you.

NoelleR

I'm in agreement with all others here. There is one question I have regarding something you wrote.....................:

"...I have read other posts where you try to ignore the person and let them realize their actions when they sober up. I feel that method hasnt worked..."

For me, the phrase 'when they sober up,' refers to a time of sobriety/recovery and not just 'dry times' between 'drunks.' Unfortunately, for some, this time never comes..........

(o:
NoelleR

dbh

Just want to add that NOTHING that you do or don't do can make your wife sober up. She has to want it for herself. Thinking that I had the power to make my father stop drinking actually kept me in a unhealthy state of mind for quite a long time.

It was so liberating for me when I finally understood and believed "the three Cs":
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

Children do understand more than we realize, but not in the same way an adult can. I was never able to understand the difference between my sober dad and my drunk dad, so I blamed myself and thought his irrational behavior was because of me. Living with an active alcoholic can set you up for a lifetime of dysfunction.

Best Wishes,

db

Mracoa

No, protecting your kids is not harsh. Exposing them to drunk and potentionally dangerous Mom would be harsh (for the kids!).

When your wife asks why you left, inform her it was because she was drunk and unruly and you don't want the kids to be around that or think it's normal or okay. If she does it again, you will leave with them, again. If she does it enough times, one day you won't return the next morning.

She has a choice to drink, and there are consequences. Suffering the consequences of her choices is not harsh.

BuzzL

One thing I'd add to the advice above is don't deny to your children that mommy has a problem if it comes up. They know and are looking to you to protect them but that also includes acknowledging to them what they see with their own eyes. Saying anything that downplays the problem has a good intention behind it but teaches your children to not believe what they see and hear. That can eventually cause them, as adults, to not trust their own judgement.

Best of luck and I hope your wife chooses to do what's necessary to overcome her problem.

23missb

Not too harsh at all. It is your duty to take care of those kids first as they can't do it themselves. I agree with with the previous poster though too. Children need honesty at an age appropriate level. I think it's one of the best things I've done for my kids... To talk openly and honestly about their dad's disease so that they can work through it and feel comfortable to ask questions and express their emotions.

DoubleBarrel

As a former drunk, get the kids away from her by any means necessary.

Move away, kick her out.
Those are consequences.

Reedling

My practical short term strategy for coping with a belligerent drunk in the house is, disengage and retreat without comment or confrontation. Trying to direct behavior for the better when A is tanked may lead to the very ugliness and conflicts one wants to avoid. I get out, and go see a movie or something. That gives me a couple hours away to think about what to do next, work the steps for calm and guidance etc.

It's been really hard for my family to learn not to take on the acting-out drunk person, even when alcoholic belligerence is 100% guaranteed from past track record. Horror stories on request. But things are truly much safer now that the non-As have learned that the time to address A behavior is not when alcohol is in play.

Jordyne1225

Try and get her to realize that it will affect the kids. Because it definetly does, i am very young myself and my mom has been an alcoholic for about 3 years now. My dad would always try to hid my mom away from my little brother and I when she was drunk so that we wouldnt see her like that. Now, i see her drunk a lot and it kills me. Especially since she hasnt taken any drastic changes to get help. You are doing the right thing as a dad by removing your children from the situation, try and get your wife some help that will change her because being a child, and having an alcoholic mom is the worst. Ive been there and still am now. You are doing a great job as a dad, i wish you all the best.

-Jordyne

Terrispots

I agree, protect the kids, take them out of the situation, even if it is just for the night. I am like a lot of the others, noone protected me, noone intervened and I have that same file folder of pictures, videos and memories tucked away inside of my head.

Every day my childhood ugliness affects the way I feel or how I react, whether I realize it or not. It is a daily battle when you grow up watching it.