bubblepop23

I am an adult daughter of two alcoholic parents and I am in college. I live with 2 other girls and we hang out with 2 others on the weekend. We've all been really close for a few years. But, for the past few months, they have all been drinking very heavily. It has caused me to isolate myself a lot. i go to the library instead of to my apartment at night because the drinking happens every night. I go to my boyfriends often, or when I have him over, we hang out in the other room. It really upsets me to see them drinking. They all know about my situation with my parents and know it bothers me to be around drinking. I quit drinking completely on New Years, but I never drank much. This past weekend, two of these friends turned 21. And, one of them yelled at me for not being social anymore and for isolating myself from the group. I find myself being very angry and resentful because I feel like they should understand why I can't be around them. When I do try to hang out with them drinking, it gives me anxiety and I get really upset. I just can't handle it. Now, my roommates don't really talk to me and it is making everything so much harder. Am I being to sensitive? What can I do? I tell myself to suck it up and just hang out with them while they are drinking, but it really upsets me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance for reading this and helping me out

Intrepid

You are not being too sensitive. Your feelings are completely valid. Not everyone is into drinking and partying, and being an ACA, this is especially understandable. Although even people with no exposure to alcoholism don't necessarily want to hang out with drunk people.

I am not sure what is the best way to handle the situation with your friends. You could just try talking to them. Explain that it's not that you don't want to be social, but that you grew up with two alcoholic parents, and you don't want to end up like them, so you choose to stay away from alcohol. Not just stay away in terms of not drinking, but stay away from the drinking environment. You can reassure them that you don't judge them, but that it's just not for you, and that you can be social during other times when alcohol is not involved. If you take a nonjudgmental approach, hopefully they will be receptive. If they are not receptive and respectful, then it's probably time to move on with your life and find different friends. People change and grow apart all the time for different reasons.

The most important thing in all of this though, is that you stop questioning the validity of your feelings and preferences. You have every right not to be around alcohol. No need to "suck it up" in this situation.

Kialua

I totally understand your dilemma. You are not being selfish or unreasonable at all. But you can't expect others to not drink. Even recovering alcoholics are taught that have to be able to withstand being around others having a drink at dinner, but they don't hang out at bars and parties.

You may not realize it but this a crucial age you are at now. People are mapping out their lives and many friendships change or disappear altogether. Become who you want to be, you don't have to feel bad for it. I went through the same thing at your age. I chose not to drink because of my home life, and some people took it personally like I didn't like them. Not the case. Though I didn't like who they became when they drank:
-Several of my friends have ruined their lives from drinking and not being able to stop. Flat out ruined disaster.
-Many others just fell short, not ruined. They live for the weekend and happy hours. -Their work was just work, never developed careers at all. Party was their life.
-Some became social drinkers and were just fine.
-I didn't find many that gave up drinking like me but not many had our life of alcoholic parents.

Stick to your guns, you are making the right choice for you. Good luck.

bubblepop23

Intrepid- thanks for your response. I have tried talking to them and took the nonjudgemental approach, like you said. It didn't get though to them and things are getting worse. Unfortunately, I dont really have the option of finding different friends. I can't go home, and I don't have enough money to support myself. I'm looking forward to graduation when I can start my career and be on my own. I just get really upset that my choices to keep myself healthy make me a less desirable to others. I'm hoping that I can leave this part of my life behind once I graduate. Thanks again!

Kialua- Thank you for your response. I'm glad you understand what I am going through. I think I really just need people to tell me that I'm doing the right thing for me, so thank you for being supportive.

utopia

i'm learning to really ask for what i need - i can't control the results but I can ask.

When I don't ask, I am usually operating out of fear of rejection, abandonment or retaliation. but I also end up feeling resentful and like a victim as my need for safety can't be met (as most people can't mind read).

I'm learning to ask (please can you not talk over the tv show, would you mind putting your phone down while we're talking, could we go out for breakfast - rather than a cocktail bar etc)

I think that i can't control, cause or cure the results but I can feel empowered in asking for what I need and learning, being teachable and keeping an open mind to what I might learn in the process.

Mracoa

I found that it's easier to just avoid the bar scene and booze parties. My friends learned that we could do a dinner together and have a few drinks. But if they were just going out to the bar, or to hang out at someone's home and drink, I would be a no show.

Real friends will understand and will include you where you are comfortable. The ones who presure you are not real friends.

Terrispots

I think you have just learned a big lesson honey. People will either like you for who you are and the choices you make or they wont. Some people are FRIENDS, and other people are just people who happen to have landed in your life for a temporary amount of time.

Talking to them, explaining your feelings, is not going to make them understand, or doesnt matter to them. They have not lived what you have, it is a foreign language to them. But you know what, it sounds like it has made you stronger and determined to live your life better than what you have received in the past.

And that is the most important part. The roof over your head right now, is just that. Use it for what it is. It is not your home. After you graduate, you can start to build that nice solid, safe and secure life that you desire. And you WILL meet those people who will respect your needs. I promise.

Meeting my DH was such a blessing in my life. He is my security blanket. (yes, I can do it myself, and I did for a very long time.) Sometimes it is nice to be taken care of.

You too will meet those who wont make you feel badly for your choices, who will love you for who you are, even with your faults, and THOSE will be your FRIENDS. These people are not.

Good luck to you darling.

Terrispots

Your title struck me because my AS just told me yesterday that I am too sensitive. Well, I guess that is something we ACOA's have in common. We ARE more sensitive to certain behaviours than others, but that doesnt mean something is wrong with you.