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-   -   My extended family finally validated that my mom was an abuser - but why do I care? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/284395-my-extended-family-finally-validated-my-mom-abuser-but-why-do-i-care.html)

Jur123 02-15-2013 02:11 PM

My extended family finally validated that my mom was an abuser - but why do I care?
 
My extended family finally said that my mom was a horrible person due to her addiction and that it must have been horrible to have her as a mom. It was good to hear that they finally stopped denying that, but at the same time I thought to myself - why do I care so much?
I'm still angry at them. They were the only adults I used to tell what's going on at home, however, they either completely ignored what I said or told me that I MUST love and listen to my mother anyway. Sometimes even laughed at what I told them. I think they believed every word I said about our mom as they couldn't spend 10 min with her in the same room without getting into a fight themselves, but it was easier for them to pretend that my mom is ok as a mom and to ignore what I'm sayng.
I'm asking myself - why do I care so much what they think now?

Kialua 02-15-2013 02:30 PM

Wow, that is huge. My extended family mourned my AF death as the nicest person they ever knew. Wrong. To be validated and affirmed that what you experienced is very liberating. But my next feeling would be "ah, thanks a lot NOW, why didn't you rescue me!"

Jur123 02-15-2013 02:39 PM

Thanks Kialua - that's exactly what I thought. Why they didn't help me or at least validate what I was saying when I was a teenager instead of making me feel like it was ME who was crazy and imagening things!

Kialua 02-15-2013 02:43 PM

Well people are not perfect. And it's very hard to go through rescuing someone, but I've done it so I know it can be done. So now it's your turn to heal and in the future help someone else. How? it can be from taking a kid to the movies or weekends or vacations. Letting them know you understand. Or even opening your home. But not now. Wait until you have a few years of healing.

Intrepid 02-15-2013 02:50 PM

Validation is always nice, even if it comes from people whose opinions you don't value. It can be relieving to hear family members finally acknowledge your experience after a lifetime of invalidation and ignoring the reality of the situation.

I'm sorry that you not only had to endure growing up with an addicted mother, but that the other adults in your life were complacent. Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to neglect and abuse a child. Mistreatment of children doesn't happen in a vacuum. There is always someone who knows, and then chooses to look the other way.


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