Jur123

I have a new councellor and the last time I saw her I told her about my 2 sisters and their issues (one has medications and alcohol addiction plus a bad case of social phobia and the other has a mild form aspergers sindrom). The councellor said something like "they very serious problems" and that triggered a huge guilt and codependency feelings. For over a year I worked with my last councellor to get over my thinking that my sisters' issues are not that seriuos that they wouln'd be able to care for themselves (I was sharing a house with them for several years as I thought they would be "lost" without me and I was putting huge amounts of effort to "fix" them). Now I feel like I'm back in square one. All I can think is that the councellor said "they have very seriuos issues" and now I feel that it's my responsibility to fix them. I can't even think about them bad because I feel guilty then ("how can you think bad about people with very seriuos problems?"). My addicted sister said some nasty things to me earlier this week which made me very angry and sad. Now I feel very guilty for for feeling angry at her for what she said as I feel like I have no right to be upset or angry at her as she has "very seriuos problems" i.e. I should be very sorry for her as opposed to angry. It got so bad that when I'm walking down the street I'm kind of afraid to look in the eyes of the strangers, especially if they smile at me, because I think something like "if you knew that my sisters have very seriuos issues and I'm not helping them, can't persuade them to get help or accept my help, you would not be smiling at me, you would think I'm a horrible person). Sorry for ranting

Intrepid

Jur123, I am just now learning about codependency, so not sure how much help I can offer. Just wanted to say that I feel for you. Maybe you should talk to your counselor about the feelings that were triggered from this conversation. In reading your post, my thought was that your sisters' wellbeing is not your responsibility, even if they have serious problems. They are problems, but they are problems that your sisters are able to seek help for themselves. They can go to therapy, 12 step meetings, online forums, etc. There are a lot of resources - it's not your responsibility. You can be as involved or as uninvolved as you want, and you don't have to feel guilty.

I struggled a lot with feeling responsible for the addicts in my family. I finally had to let go of the guilt and feelings of responsibility. This came after many years of trying to "help" to no avail. Then I chose to focus on my own well being, and that is one area where my efforts have been fruitful. You can be compassionate and supportive of your sisters without carrying burdens that aren't yours to carry.

Wishing you the best.

Joe Nerv

Sounds like an enormous amount of power that you're giving to the words and opinions of someone else. I know lots of people wth heavy drinking problems, and I have 2 friends who have been diagnosed with aspergers. They're problems, for sure, but I don't think I'd label them as "very serious", as both are treatable. Inoperable cancer is what I'd consider very serious. Along with lots of other things.

I believe your counselor may have used those words in an effort to be sypathetic, or empathetic - not realizing the effect they would have on you. In reality nothing has changed except for the way you're choosing to think about this right now. We all have different thinking processes, but I would do my best to just settle with my current thoughts, know they will pass, and not dismiss the year's worth of gains you made before this 1 encounter with a new person. I'd also make sure to bring it up to them next time around, and if similar things continue to happen, you might want to find another person to work with.

Kialua

You need to tell the counselor how you received those words and how it made you react. Explain it as you just explained it here. Hopefully s/he will choose their words more carefully in the future. Glad that you are in counseling but it doesn't work if they don't get the results feedback.