Kialua

Having quite a dilema tonight over wether to call my sibling. She is going into the hospital tomorrow morning for a serious operation. She called last week to tell me, and said the doctor told her to that she had to tell her family that she had cancer so they would know to tell their doctors. Kind of like, I don't know, like if the doctor hadn't told her she wouldn't have called us at all. Bizarre. She has a family and they are all very happy with each other.

Background, she is the favored one that never got beat by our alcoholic father which is not fair in and of itself. But to add to it she grew up believing that we deserved it because we were stupid, naughty and didn't know how to lie to him correctly. The truth is she was just favored and nothing we did or didn't do mattered. Fast forward 45 years later and she still believes it. Then wraps it up with, so what if you didn't deserve it, it was so long ago get over it. Clueless or evil, I don't know. We sibs have little to no contact over the years with only birthday emails or Christmas cards.

So here I sit tonight wondering if the normal thing to do is to call her and wish her well. Or if I would be intruding. Ugh.

AtATotalLoss

I don't think there is a "normal" thing here K. Listen to your heart. If you want to call her and wish her well for you and your own recovery then do so. If you don't then I don't think you are under any 'obligation' to. And hard as it is, remember that she was affected by your childhood traumas too, just in a vastly different way than you. She probably has her own crosses to bear with all that too.
No easy answers there though. Have wondered the same thing whenever the day comes that my NC dad might get sick or whatever. Let me know what you decide...

Intrepid

I second what AtALoss said. I don't think it would be an intrusion for you to call her, but you certainly aren't under any obligation. Do what feels right / best, and what you are most comfortable with.

Kialua

Yeah, thanks. I did feel like it would be an intrusion so I didn't call, I will tomorrow afterwards. I don't know. what a mess huh? When her husband died several years ago and we all went to the funeral the pastor asked for the "family" to follow him. She and hers went and we all just looked at each other and thought yeah ok. Then when we went in to be seated my Mom said, no don't sit near her they need that row for "family". I said ok, the looked at each other and said WHAT other family? We are all there is! and made her and us sit behind them in the family row. Messed up. We don't even realize we are family. Though we are cordial and do love each other we just don't hang around with each other nor are we close.

Kialua

Well didn't call today but did text with her daughter, my niece, and kept informed. She asked to let her sleep today. So maybe tomorrow...

Intrepid

Thanks for the update.

It's a difficult family dynamic that you describe. It's almost the opposite of how my family behaves. Instead of distance, my family is shoved down each other's throats, and in each other's business way beyond what could be considered normal. There is a mentality of staying together and as tight as possible, no matter how badly people hurt each other of violate each other's boundaries. Our families are two unhealthy extremes.

Intrepid

P.S. I am enjoying your blog - thanks for sharing!

Kialua

Thanks Intrepid I'm glad if my blog helps anyone. Well still haven't called. She is home today. But getting updates from her daughter in the bulk text messages. It is really odd to be so disconnected but that is how we live I guess. So odd. Now I'm feeling like maybe I should send flowers or something. Awkward. ugh.

EnnuiStasis

That's what I was thinking ~ maybe send a nice card, flowers or both. Sometimes that's a lot easier, less awkward, and still lets the sib know you care even if you aren't close.

dollydo

I like the card idea, it will acknowledge you are thinking about her.

Kialua

Yes a card would be great. But. I didn't get out and get one today. Really cold out. I can do it tomorrow though. Even doing just that is causing me to pause and freeze into non-action. sigh. I guess I better figure this out, we are not getting any younger and stuff is going to continue to happen. I better have my get well cards ready to go for any future occasion. sigh. Well it really helped to think out loud here, thanks.

Intrepid

Do you think that responding to one of the text messages sent by her daughter would be adequate? Just a short text to send well wishes?

dbh

Saying a prayer for you, your sister, and your extended family.

Most of the time I find that I can accept my family of origin and our dysfunctional relationships. It simply is what it is. However, during times of crisis or times of joy I find myself still wishing for a "normal" family.

The irony is that these times usually bring out the worse in my family. Instead of supporting each other we seem to attack each other more. We get all caught up in what we should be getting from each other. We get caught up in our image of what a family should be.

Sometimes I just try to remember that we're all just broken people coping the best that we can with the cards that we got.

I hope that you found a way to support your sister that felt right for you.

I do understand how difficult this is for everyone.

Fondly,

db

Kialua

Intrepid, I should have felt a response to the text was adequate. I guess I still get lost in my wish for "normal" which I know is variable for everyone. Thanks

db thank you I appreciate all prayers. I am just playing by ear. It's not difficult for them, just me but I'm ok now. It was hard finding how to feel about this. This was a first for serious illness with my siblings. It is something I have to figure out because like I said, we are not getting any younger and this is going to keep happening.

frances2011

K, Sending you strength and comfort. ******}}}

That said. I relate to your quote above.

For me, this bundle of feelings is about 1) guessing what "normal" is so that I meet the "expected" social norm and 2) focusing on what the other (usually crazy in my family) person wants/needs/expects and 3) reacting to time expectations set by 1 & 2.

What helps me is to focus on being inside My Hula Hoop (like MsPinkAcres told me). What are my feelings? What do I want to do? What feels comfortable and reasonable for me to do/say/feel today? If I'm not clear, I can choose to wait another day or two or however long it takes until I feel comfortable.

My step-mom (my dad's wife of 27 years) died suddenly 6 weeks ago today. I only mention that in terms of knowing how a sudden, medical crisis tends to exacerbate the whole thing.

Thanks for letting me share.

Kialua

Well I finally did call her a couple times. Then she told me how her boss came over and brought stuff, her other friends sent flowers, her grown kids friends came over and sent flowers. Everyone. But siblings I would guess, she didn't say. She didn't care and wasn't upset. That is how we are. Still awkward. I realized that she never cares if I have a procedure or illness. She never calls me. So be it. Sad but that is how it is. She needs to be free of siblings to live her happy life and have her version of her happy home growing up. Sad.

Thanks frances2011, sorry about your loss. Yes medical crisis do exacerbate the whole thing, you are right.

kudzujean

I have a siblng similar to yours. I especially related to:

"She needs to be free of siblings to live her happy life and have her version of her happy home growing up."

Mo S

I can only share my experience....i went on a cruise 2 weeks ago and called my Bro, whom we have not been talking; he erased my cell phone number, email and took me out of his will. I called from another cell phone so he would answer at 5:30 am (lol)..we had to leave early to drive to the other side of the state. I told him i was going on a cruise and if anything happened to me I loved him and i was sorry for everything i ever did...like get him high for the first time. He said "no, it's me whose sorry." I haven't talked to him since then he wont return my calls or emails. I don't regret calling him. I have been sober for a long time and so has he....there is so much to be worked out....he talks to me like my father.....I have to accept that. However, if we talk ever again; I don't have to tolerate it.

I didn't read any other replies. Based on my experience; i would say call her. You don't want to have any regrets.

I wish you All the best.

Kialua

Oh she will talk to me anytime and get together if I insist. But she won't make me a part of her life. Even though I was involved in her life so much before I was married. Just awkward. We have no big deal fights, just eerie silence. But she makes it known she wants no part of my life or my few life events.

Mracoa

Sometime's it's hard to understand why we react the way we do. My brother and I still get our families together at least a couple times per year. But we are not what I would consider "close".

I think he feels guilt and shame about how he treated me when we were younger. But he won't talk about it. He wants the past to remain the past.

I feel anger and shame about it, but I don't want to linger on it. But it's there. Although I know he has grown and matured, I could never trust him enough to confide in him. We can never be more than casual aquantances.

It works for us, but it did take some time to get to this point. There is a seperate odd FOO issue involving his wife and my wife and her sister. That gives us something to bond over, which I think helps. I think without that all we would ever talk about is sports and grilled meats.