AtATotalLoss

Woke up with a pounding headache today that hasn't gone away. Didn't sleep all that well last night. And here is but a sampling of the conversations my brain has been having all day...

good brain: Wonder how mom is doing today...
bad brain: You're really pissed at her. Remember that part? So quit thinking about her.
good brain: But I know she's struggling right now. And it makes me sad.
bad brain: You've been reading all this SR stuff for the better part of a whole day now and you KNOW that isn't your problem.
good brain: I know. But...
bad brain: No buts. Get on with your life.
good brain: But I wonder if she went to another AA meeting today.
bad brain: That's her business. Didn't I just tell you to quit thinking about it? Why are we even having this conversation?
good brain: But do you think maybe I should call her?
bad brain: Use your brain, brain - why in the h*** would I think you should call her? God, you are seriously screwed up...
good brain: Jeez, you're cranky and bossy... And if I am screwed up, so are you!!
bad brain: Well waaaaah... go get me another cup of coffee and maybe I'll quit being so cranky! And I would rather be cranky than be a whiner like you...
good brain: Ugh - you are SO annoying. But seriously... I wonder how mom is doing today?
bad brain: Oh for f***s sake. Are we back to this?
good brain: I can't help it.
bad brain: *sigh* I know you can't. But you must try.
good brain: *sigh* I know. I am trying. But it is hard.
bad brain: I know. What about that cup of coffee now though? You promised. Could use a cigarette too...
good brain: Oh OK.

Ten minutes of peace ensues.

Good brain: Wonder how mom is doing today...

AAAACK! Stop it brain!!

Kialua

LOL very true. BUT I think you got the labels wrong switch it up to this:

bad brain: Wonder how mom is doing today...
good brain: You're really pissed at her. Remember that part? So quit thinking about her.
bad brain: But I know she's struggling right now. And it makes me sad.
good brain: You've been reading all this SR stuff for the better part of a whole day now and you KNOW that isn't your problem.
bad brain: I know. But...
good brain: No buts. Get on with your life.
bad brain: But I wonder if she went to another AA meeting today.
good brain: That's her business. Didn't I just tell you to quit thinking about it? Why are we even having this conversation?
bad brain: But do you think maybe I should call her?
good brain: Use your brain, brain - why in the h*** would I think you should call her? God, you are seriously screwed up...
bad brain: Jeez, you're cranky and bossy... And if I am screwed up, so are you!!
good brain: Well waaaaah... go get me another cup of coffee and maybe I'll quit being so cranky! And I would rather be cranky than be a whiner like you...
bad brain: Ugh - you are SO annoying. But seriously... I wonder how mom is doing today?
good brain: Oh for f***s sake. Are we back to this?
bad brain: I can't help it.
good brain: *sigh* I know you can't. But you must try.
bad brain: *sigh* I know. I am trying. But it is hard.
good brain: I know. What about that cup of coffee now though? You promised. Could use a cigarette too...
bad brain: Oh OK.

Work on knowing which is which brain:
The BAD brain is the nagger that thinks you can fix your Mom.
The GOOD brain is the one that knows better.

Kialua

Have you seen this? Repeat as often as you need it. Print it out and keep it with you.

You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it

AtATotalLoss

Thanks Kialua - I know you are right on switching those brain tags And yes, printed the three C's off yesterday... I am still new to trying to switch my thinking around....

VickiACA

AtATotalLoss,

You might consider looking at meditation techniques. Particularly ones that emphasize observing the thoughts. Just letting them pass.

Have you tried Al-Anon?

Best wishes.
Vicki

AtATotalLoss

Vicki,
Thanks - a lot of folks urging me to go to AlAnon (gee, wonder why?? ). I am looking into it as well as counseling with a family counselor that specializes in addiction.
I probably should look into meditation too. Still new to all this, but this last week has been awful. I have not been sleeping well and I have the hardest time focusing on stuff. I know is just adjustment and that I will get through it, but I am impatient and I wish it would hurry up! Thanks for the advice tho - I am exploring a lot of options that SR people have given me!

Intrepid

There are a lot of meditation resources online. The best I have found in relation to dealing with my mom is from Tara Brach. She has an audio book called Radical Self Acceptance. It's available on itunes, but I ordered the cd because I read that the downloadable version isn't broken down into tracks. The tracks are necessary because it's kind of long. She also has a lot of guided meditations on her web site. Audiodharma.org is another site with a lot of guided meditations. Of course you can always just sit quietly and focus on your breathing while observing your thoughts. I like to think of it as I am the sky and my thoughts are clouds rolling by, or I am the ocean and my thoughts are the waves. I find the guided meditations helpful when I am feeling especially jittery and having a hard time even sitting still. Good luck!

AtATotalLoss

Today is a better day. I am thankful for that. I am sitting here in my jammies and drinking my coffee and I get to finally go buy a new washer and dryer later Thanks for your words guys!
Also - went out to dinner last night with my fiance and a friend of ours. We were at a restaurant we have gone to a lot in the past, where I always would drink a few margaritas and get buzzed. Realized last night (and I know is probably due to all this stuff with mom) that I don't want to drink anymore. I've never been an A, but I really don't want to drink anymore. Not sure where it came from.

Kialua

That's probably ok to not drink for now while you are sorting things out. I quit drinking long ago but I had a real problem with it myself.

DavidG

Yes, a very thought provoking thread. With great shares...

I sometimes picture myself raising myself to speak before
a room full of North Americans.

[But since having been there I found a bunch of down-home folks
just like ourselves. Or how we would like to be.]

The phrase I made up to kinda stun the audience was "I have gone
from the paralysis of analysis to an attitude of gratitude."

In a sense I do this everyday. If I forget to I start heading back to
where I once was. No sirree! Not for me!

-David.

dollydo

I have read that your subconcious mind is the controller of your concious mind. Your concious mind only believes what it is fed by your subconcious mind. So, every night right before you go to sleep, feed your subconcious mind one thought, like "Tomorrow I will not have any negative thoughts about my mother". Do that every night until your concious mind believes what it is being fed.

It works for me, once I have resolved one negative thought process, I move onto another. You might want to read up on this topic.

tromboneliness

Ya -- switch the "good" and "bad" labels, and you're right on target.

The way I explain it is roughly like this: How many people are there who control me? When they say "jump," I ask "How high?" Is there anyone who controls my behavior?

Obviously, the answer is No! So who am I to think I can control someone else? It doesn't work any better for me than it does for other people who might try to control me -- whose attempts to do so, I brush off like dust off a table!

That's tremendously liberating -- when you realize that a loved one's behavior is out of your hands, the flip side is that you don't have to obsess about it anymore, because it's not under your control anyway! If they're going to stay sober and go to AA, they're going to stay sober and go to AA. If they're going to relapse and get hammered, they're going to relapse and get hammered. Either way, it's their decision, not ours.

T

AtATotalLoss

Thanks everyone. The last couple days have been awesome. As far as I know, via limited email contact, mom is getting more entrenched in AA and now has a sponsor too. I feel weird but good that I finally feel like I can work on me for a while. She told me today that she doesn't want to see me for a while and hoped I understood. Told her I totally do and we all of us need some space right now so we can just 'be'. I feel almost giddy. Knowing that our relationships (her, me, and my sis) are on 'pause' and knowing that everyone is OK and where they should be and that we are all being slowly untangled and released to figure out what we need to... Is kinda sad, but I feel at peace for the first time almost ever in my whole life. I had a whole day today of just thinking about my life, my fiance, my puppies, my job, what book I wanted to read tonight. Had no concerns or thoughts in particular about her. And really not feeling that 'calm before the storm feeling' anymore either. All good happy stuff here in CO!!
Of course I am still totally whacked and need to work on my stuff too, but feeling like I can now.

Intrepid

Sounds really positive! Thanks for the update

AtATotalLoss

Whether I am in recovery or not, I think I will always be a "look for the bright side" kind if gal

Even with all the madness, I found one - told my fiance that all this crapola with my mom makes his family look really normal! He shook his head but laughed and agreed with me (smart man, oui?)

tromboneliness

But in any case, you saved a bundle on the restaurant tab! That's what my wife and I noticed, after we gave it up.

T

Devushka25

Good thread! I do this too. The constant wondering over alcoholic or addicted loved ones, or any loved ones with issues if some kind, can get frustrating. I lie awake most nights, like tonight, wondering about my addict dad. Or thinking about my single mom and my young half siblings in her care. I go over and over the past in my head a million times and imagine deep, get-it-all-off-your-chest type conversations with them that I probably would never go through with in reality. I rack my brain trying to solve all their problems because I believe if I do, then mine will be too because I won't be so burdened with this obsessive thinking. I would be VERY interested in hearing advice on turning this type of preoccupation off. Sorry, no advice here, just saying I can relate.

FatallyUncool

It's a problem for me, too. Seeing a counselor, attending meetings and talking it out with NA members helps me with this. Meditation, too.