just starting

Old 04-21-2004, 11:46 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: sacramento,ca
Posts: 9
just starting

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum, and really grateful for it because I think it is really going to help!!! Anyway, I just read Gabe's post from the ACA website. I read it and it sounded really good, it fits with something my sponsor told me yesterday..."you have to become your own loving parent". I understand this logically and it sounds good, but emotionally I can almost not relate to it--it's really a weird feeling when I think about this because there is so much pain for me in this topic that I can actually feel a big block emotionally.

My mom was an abusive alcoholic who drank herself to death when I was 12 years old. It was not uncommon for her to berate me, call me names and threaten my life, her life and my little brother's life. I grew up with letdown after letdown, never really knew at all how to muster self worth, although I did very well with my grades, etc. I have always struggled with feeling completely worthless, even though to look at me most people wouldn't believe it at all (I'm really good at faking being a "normal adult"--but IT IS just faking). I have a really hard time conceptualizing "being kind & gentle with myself" I beat myself to a pulp most of the time in my own mind on a daily basis--it is so instinctual that most of the time I do it without noticing.

I have a seven year old daughter who is the most important person in my life. Despite my own alcoholism and ACOA issues, I have somehow managed to be a mother to a very happy, sweet, smart, amazing little girl. My sponsor said to try and treat myself how I treat her. I can barely even think about this without bursting into tears. Half of me inside tells me I'm not like her, I'm not worth anything, the other half is terribly hurt and furious that anyone could ever treat a child as beautiful as my litte girl as horribly as I was treated when I was little like her. When I think of trying to treat myself (in my mind) kindly I am really really this weird or what? I take good care of myself physically, but when it comes to actually being nice to myself I have no clue what to even think about. I feel like this is really robbing me of some happiness and peace. Can anyone relate?

goldneon7 is offline  
Old 04-21-2004, 12:46 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Re: just starting

Good for you!!! I am so glad you are getting the help you need and that you are the mother of a lovely little girl. Take a look at the introduction/reintroduction section and you will see other people's experiences and similarities with issues that they are dealing with. People here are supportive and caring and understanding. This site has been valuable to me, may it do the same for you.

DefofLov is offline  
Old 04-24-2004, 12:45 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi goldneon7,
Yep, I can relate. It took me a LONG time to learn how to be good to myself. I was great at being good to other people...supermom, great friend, loving wife...but I was lacking in the self-love department. And I wasn't real good at letting other people care for me either.
I think self-love is a learning curve for those of us who grew up as children of alcoholics. I was fortunate enough to have a very loving father and a very loving sister. They gave me the foundations I needed that my mother wasn't capable of. But there was and still is that empty mother/daughter thing in my life. So nowadays, when I'm feeling like a motherless child, I try to mother myself. I still haven't gotten it all down yet, but I'm a lot better than I used to be.
Gabe is offline  

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