That Stupid Other Shoe
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
That Stupid Other Shoe
I hate that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still have a hard time separating all the times the other shoe dropped and everything went to hell with my AM from my expectations for them to drop with other people. That's completely unfair to the other people who show me nothing but respect and consistency. And to be selfish, most importantly it's unfair to me because I tend to immediately spiral from insanely happy and content to utterly and completely depressed.
It's something that the farther I've gotten in my recovery the worse it's actually gotten. I think it's because I no longer have blinders on.
Take the two entities of my life this holiday season. My AM went to counseling and really wanted to try. So when I stayed with a friend I asked her to watch my dogs, she in turn wanted to bring them to her house. She owns pets they're well cared for but they are my world. My friend was concerned at me giving her "my world" as her chance, but I figured if we're going to try and build from here, someone has to give, and she's never hurt nor neglected an animal. So I gave a chance and waited... Well she didn't hurt nor neglect them, however twenty four hours after pickup they became too much responsibility. I work two jobs sometimes these dogs only get to see me a couple hours a day, they don't ask for much.
Then the christmas event alone was a nightmare, but that's normal and not an issue. There was discussion of "what present" do I want. I reiterated like every year (and i do mean this) that just being with my niece and nephews is my christmas present. She insisted and we decided on a present. And then I waited... She then forgot to get it until a week before christmas (I had told her in august) then attempted to rush out and get it. When she couldn't she went on the attack about how the product had been recalled and there were law suits out (I can't find one iota of proof for that.) The present I could live with, the lies I couldn't. This in turn made me brutally honest to my "relatives" this christmas.
On the other side was my friend and my "family" that comes with her. Her mother went into the hospital yet she came out ot visit me on christmas eve when I had to work. She actually managed to find the gift that my mother had let me down on so that I could still have it. Again, not that it was the gift, but it was absolutely the thought that counted. Christmas day, her boyfriends family invited me to their christmas, she wasn't even going to be in town, but they wanted me to have a place to go. Then this evening her and her boyfriend invited me to spend the holiday with his family to ring in the new year. It was a wonderful quiet night, his family made it clear that I'm welcome there. She made it clear that I'm welcome. However, one word that wasn't quite right, and my tension and anxiety started to build. I said goodnight to everyone then nearly began to manically clean the house and brood but instead decided to write on here.
I've said it before, I'm blessed and I know I am. I know that breaking the habits require vigilance, I know that some of these habits are as easy to me as breathing, and that sometimes I'll have to hold my breath if I want to change things. I know it will come in time and most people my age don't have it no matter their upbringing. However, This year I really need to find a way to find a safe place in myself. Where it doesn't matter as much whether the shoe someone else is holding drops or not.
I do hate that I know my friend saw my change in mood, and though she understands I sometimes feel its a slap in the face to the open home and heart she's offered me that if I become happy I immediately retreat. Even if it wasn't anything to her, I keep ruining my own good time. Does anyone else do this?
It's something that the farther I've gotten in my recovery the worse it's actually gotten. I think it's because I no longer have blinders on.
Take the two entities of my life this holiday season. My AM went to counseling and really wanted to try. So when I stayed with a friend I asked her to watch my dogs, she in turn wanted to bring them to her house. She owns pets they're well cared for but they are my world. My friend was concerned at me giving her "my world" as her chance, but I figured if we're going to try and build from here, someone has to give, and she's never hurt nor neglected an animal. So I gave a chance and waited... Well she didn't hurt nor neglect them, however twenty four hours after pickup they became too much responsibility. I work two jobs sometimes these dogs only get to see me a couple hours a day, they don't ask for much.
Then the christmas event alone was a nightmare, but that's normal and not an issue. There was discussion of "what present" do I want. I reiterated like every year (and i do mean this) that just being with my niece and nephews is my christmas present. She insisted and we decided on a present. And then I waited... She then forgot to get it until a week before christmas (I had told her in august) then attempted to rush out and get it. When she couldn't she went on the attack about how the product had been recalled and there were law suits out (I can't find one iota of proof for that.) The present I could live with, the lies I couldn't. This in turn made me brutally honest to my "relatives" this christmas.
On the other side was my friend and my "family" that comes with her. Her mother went into the hospital yet she came out ot visit me on christmas eve when I had to work. She actually managed to find the gift that my mother had let me down on so that I could still have it. Again, not that it was the gift, but it was absolutely the thought that counted. Christmas day, her boyfriends family invited me to their christmas, she wasn't even going to be in town, but they wanted me to have a place to go. Then this evening her and her boyfriend invited me to spend the holiday with his family to ring in the new year. It was a wonderful quiet night, his family made it clear that I'm welcome there. She made it clear that I'm welcome. However, one word that wasn't quite right, and my tension and anxiety started to build. I said goodnight to everyone then nearly began to manically clean the house and brood but instead decided to write on here.
I've said it before, I'm blessed and I know I am. I know that breaking the habits require vigilance, I know that some of these habits are as easy to me as breathing, and that sometimes I'll have to hold my breath if I want to change things. I know it will come in time and most people my age don't have it no matter their upbringing. However, This year I really need to find a way to find a safe place in myself. Where it doesn't matter as much whether the shoe someone else is holding drops or not.
I do hate that I know my friend saw my change in mood, and though she understands I sometimes feel its a slap in the face to the open home and heart she's offered me that if I become happy I immediately retreat. Even if it wasn't anything to her, I keep ruining my own good time. Does anyone else do this?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
Lately I feel like its less I don't deserve to be happy and more, everytime I trust that I will be happy something happens. So I think I find anything and go with that, under the hope that if.its small it won't suck as bad as the inevitable large thing down the the road.
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