The Questions on Christmas
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The Questions on Christmas
It was mostly a good day. For that, I'm profoundly grateful. All my kids were home together on Christmas Eve and again on Christmas Day, all day. I played with the church choir for the morning service. Good food, good music, kids enjoyed each others' company, all was well.
The only kink in the works was that after dinner, the older kids took off to see their grandparents. One of the teenagers wanted to know why he couldn't go with them. He and I had this same conversation on Thanksgiving. No doubt I posted about it then. I said they're welcome to come over here if they want to see the kids. Funny--all the kids ignore me when I say their grandparents can come over here.
But we went upstairs. I asked was he there to listen or was he there to argue and counter. He wouldn't answer that.
I told him again, as briefly and factually as possible, my reasons. The ugliness, hateful words, past abuse; my mother slandering my name, unjustly, year after year. I stressed that this does affect my relationship with people, as they at the very least start to wonder what's really up with me that my own mother says such things. I stressed that I have reason to believe she spent hours with my brand new mother in law, the night before I got married, 'discussing' me, and it no doubt impacted my mil's view of me, which impacted the marriage, which hurt the kids. I stressed that I've already had my own kids come home telling me the negative things she says about me. That I see no reason to send my kids to visit people who will undermine my relationship with my own children.
I told him I'm sorry it's hurting the kids, but they'd be harmed by their grandparents' behavior one way or another, including if I DID let them go visit. I stressed again that they are welcome to come to MY HOME as guests, where I have more faith they'll behave toward me, if they really want to visit their grandchildren.
I strongly encouraged him to read up on alcoholic families.
I stressed that the unanimous advice from those who really know what's going on and has gone on has been not to let the kids near these people at all.
He spent the ten minute talk mostly sullen. Acknowledging that I have not sworn and yelled at him daily or chased him barefoot through snowbanks or called him vulgar names or any of the other things my parents have done. But sullenly. He left still sullen and angry.
Ten minutes later, he was friendly to me when I came downstairs again.
Then another child asked why they can't go see their grandparents. Then a third child asked, a couple hours later, if we'll ever go to family gatherings again.
For those who pray, I hope you'll pray for me and my children...and all the millions who are stuck in this or worse situations thanks to drugs and alcohol and dysfunction. I hope that someday these kids will understand. Right now, all they see is grandparents, aunts, uncles, who are nice to them, and nothing more. Several of them have been told some of these details. In the end, it makes no difference to them. They aren't getting what they want (to visit their grandparents) and they simply can't see anything else.
For those who have faced this situation of not letting children near family, what have your experiences been? Do they ever get it? The older ones came from a visit with my mother the other day commenting on how she was mimicking someone (making fun of them)...I believe they saw it for the ugly behavior it was.
Thankfully, however, this was a VERY brief part of a very good day, probably the happiest, most peaceful Christmas I've had in eight years, since I moved back near family.
The only kink in the works was that after dinner, the older kids took off to see their grandparents. One of the teenagers wanted to know why he couldn't go with them. He and I had this same conversation on Thanksgiving. No doubt I posted about it then. I said they're welcome to come over here if they want to see the kids. Funny--all the kids ignore me when I say their grandparents can come over here.
But we went upstairs. I asked was he there to listen or was he there to argue and counter. He wouldn't answer that.
I told him again, as briefly and factually as possible, my reasons. The ugliness, hateful words, past abuse; my mother slandering my name, unjustly, year after year. I stressed that this does affect my relationship with people, as they at the very least start to wonder what's really up with me that my own mother says such things. I stressed that I have reason to believe she spent hours with my brand new mother in law, the night before I got married, 'discussing' me, and it no doubt impacted my mil's view of me, which impacted the marriage, which hurt the kids. I stressed that I've already had my own kids come home telling me the negative things she says about me. That I see no reason to send my kids to visit people who will undermine my relationship with my own children.
I told him I'm sorry it's hurting the kids, but they'd be harmed by their grandparents' behavior one way or another, including if I DID let them go visit. I stressed again that they are welcome to come to MY HOME as guests, where I have more faith they'll behave toward me, if they really want to visit their grandchildren.
I strongly encouraged him to read up on alcoholic families.
I stressed that the unanimous advice from those who really know what's going on and has gone on has been not to let the kids near these people at all.
He spent the ten minute talk mostly sullen. Acknowledging that I have not sworn and yelled at him daily or chased him barefoot through snowbanks or called him vulgar names or any of the other things my parents have done. But sullenly. He left still sullen and angry.
Ten minutes later, he was friendly to me when I came downstairs again.
Then another child asked why they can't go see their grandparents. Then a third child asked, a couple hours later, if we'll ever go to family gatherings again.
For those who pray, I hope you'll pray for me and my children...and all the millions who are stuck in this or worse situations thanks to drugs and alcohol and dysfunction. I hope that someday these kids will understand. Right now, all they see is grandparents, aunts, uncles, who are nice to them, and nothing more. Several of them have been told some of these details. In the end, it makes no difference to them. They aren't getting what they want (to visit their grandparents) and they simply can't see anything else.
For those who have faced this situation of not letting children near family, what have your experiences been? Do they ever get it? The older ones came from a visit with my mother the other day commenting on how she was mimicking someone (making fun of them)...I believe they saw it for the ugly behavior it was.
Thankfully, however, this was a VERY brief part of a very good day, probably the happiest, most peaceful Christmas I've had in eight years, since I moved back near family.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Thank you, Frances. It helps to know someone is listening and hearing. And sometimes it even helps just to hear that perhaps there are no magic answers, perhaps none at all, really.
I think especially as ACOAs, we're raised to believe it's all our fault and if we'd just finally get our heads on straight and THINK for once, we'd get it right and everything would be great for everyone. In short, we're almost trained to believe that as long as anyone in our sphere has any problems in life...WE are screw-ups and failures.
No, we're not. Sometimes, life just stinks and there's nothing anyone can do to really make it work the way it should have.
I think especially as ACOAs, we're raised to believe it's all our fault and if we'd just finally get our heads on straight and THINK for once, we'd get it right and everything would be great for everyone. In short, we're almost trained to believe that as long as anyone in our sphere has any problems in life...WE are screw-ups and failures.
No, we're not. Sometimes, life just stinks and there's nothing anyone can do to really make it work the way it should have.
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Join Date: May 2005
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"For those who pray, I hope you'll pray for me and my children...and all the millions who are stuck in this or worse situations thanks to drugs and alcohol and dysfunction."
You are all in my prayers, I do know what a difficult this situation is, for you and your children.
You are all in my prayers, I do know what a difficult this situation is, for you and your children.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Thank you, Dollydo.
Vicki, good question. I think it's been suggested before, and I struggle partly with time (I work in the afternoons and evenings) and partly with the fear that taking them to alateen (ie, naming my father an alcoholic, labeling my family dysfunctional) is going to make the kids angry and be seen by them as me calling my family names; and I fear it'll get my whole family riled up, too, that I'm calling them dysfunctional.
I do think it would be food for them, though, if they'd go.
Vicki, good question. I think it's been suggested before, and I struggle partly with time (I work in the afternoons and evenings) and partly with the fear that taking them to alateen (ie, naming my father an alcoholic, labeling my family dysfunctional) is going to make the kids angry and be seen by them as me calling my family names; and I fear it'll get my whole family riled up, too, that I'm calling them dysfunctional.
I do think it would be food for them, though, if they'd go.
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