Merry Christmas to us! Survival skills
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Merry Christmas to us! Survival skills
are now needed to get through another holiday. Anyone have any strategies in place?
I always get choked up at church watching the little kids singing and waving to loving parents. Mine never showed up to wave to me... and it killed me as a kid to see other parents waving and beaming at my cohorts in choir. I can barely get through a Christmas carol these days. I go singing along fine and dandy and then wham! It just hits, I see a happy kid or my mind betrays me and I get a flash of those parents beaming and I break. I love going to church on Christmas but this sneaks in and robs me of my joy. But I know it and I face it head on so this year I will just not worry about it and expect it, let it happen and then let it go away and get on with enjoying the service.
There are no get togethers with my family of origin, we are all emotionally separated. So it's my own and my inlaws.
I always get choked up at church watching the little kids singing and waving to loving parents. Mine never showed up to wave to me... and it killed me as a kid to see other parents waving and beaming at my cohorts in choir. I can barely get through a Christmas carol these days. I go singing along fine and dandy and then wham! It just hits, I see a happy kid or my mind betrays me and I get a flash of those parents beaming and I break. I love going to church on Christmas but this sneaks in and robs me of my joy. But I know it and I face it head on so this year I will just not worry about it and expect it, let it happen and then let it go away and get on with enjoying the service.
There are no get togethers with my family of origin, we are all emotionally separated. So it's my own and my inlaws.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
My husband and I are staying home, and not visiting anyone, nor are we having visitors 
We plan to watch movies, eat, and plan our new house.
Over Thanksgiving I went back to my hometown without my husband. I dealt with it by not being alone with my parents or sister, and not going in my parents' house. Also, I planned most of my time so that I was always doing something so I wouldn't have time to think and so I'd have lots of shallow things to talk about. It was ok, but I was glad to be home again.
That happens to me too though, getting choked up watching happy kids and loving parents. Even sappy commercials get me sometimes when I'm in the wrong mood! I don't go to church anymore, but when I did, I always tried to be a part of the service, such as ushering or singing in the choir.
The holidays are rough. My husband and I are both ACOAs and we basically go into hiding. I suppose someday when we have kids it will have to be different.
We plan to watch movies, eat, and plan our new house.Over Thanksgiving I went back to my hometown without my husband. I dealt with it by not being alone with my parents or sister, and not going in my parents' house. Also, I planned most of my time so that I was always doing something so I wouldn't have time to think and so I'd have lots of shallow things to talk about. It was ok, but I was glad to be home again.
That happens to me too though, getting choked up watching happy kids and loving parents. Even sappy commercials get me sometimes when I'm in the wrong mood! I don't go to church anymore, but when I did, I always tried to be a part of the service, such as ushering or singing in the choir.
The holidays are rough. My husband and I are both ACOAs and we basically go into hiding. I suppose someday when we have kids it will have to be different.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I make my _own_ holiday traditions. I make a little butterfly every year to represent _my_ new life and I hang it on my tree. I bought myself a book I've been wanting, set aside some time to work on my truck ( the grown up equivalent of playing with toys 
) and will be having lunch with some really _normal_ friends.
Oh yeah, and watch old RiverDance videos
Mike
) and will be having lunch with some really _normal_ friends.Oh yeah, and watch old RiverDance videos
Mike
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 8
chilren and tears
I'm working on Christmas morning. Then in the afternoon my partner will come over with her two children. The four of us went to a consert last Friday night. Carols and hymns that the children enjoyed and we shed some tears, my partner and me. This was a truly amazing consert, a soprano and a harp and a bit of percussion.
On Sunday we went to the circus. No tears, just heart stopping, gobsmacking circus performers. I love it when the children are happy, safe and enjoying themsleves. I will be sober on Christmas day and it will be a good day for me. My partner and her children. I also miss my family of origin.
On Sunday we went to the circus. No tears, just heart stopping, gobsmacking circus performers. I love it when the children are happy, safe and enjoying themsleves. I will be sober on Christmas day and it will be a good day for me. My partner and her children. I also miss my family of origin.
Last edited by Porter; 12-24-2012 at 02:20 AM. Reason: some mistakes and more thoughts
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Merry Christmas SR friends!
This year I'm actually doing okay. My husband, my children, and I are celebrating alone. This has helped me feel so much more calm this year. My mother in-law can be a bit controlling and her visits tend to be challenging for me.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we now have Christmas traditions of our own - special ornaments for the tree, the Christmas Eve Pageant for the kids, favorite foods on Christmas Day, driving around to look at lights, plans for ice skating & movie, ...
Ever so slowly, the bad/sad memories from my childhood and early adulthood are being replaced with the positive memories we are creating with our children.
The biggest change in me (thank you recovery!) has been the acceptance of my extended family members. There were so many years were I felt embarrassed about the dysfunction in my extended family. I would return from winter break wanting to lie about what I did over the holidays or I would make excuses for why I didn't see my mother or father.
I found that acceptance has brought me peace.
I do occasionally find myself still wishing for a "normal" extended family. But that is just not in the cards for me. There's a part of me that wonders if the ideal family in my mind even exists.
Someday I would like to celebrate Christmas with a house full of happy people. I doubt that it will ever be members of my extended family though.
Sending love to all of you as we celebrate/acknowledge/tolerate this day in our own unique ways.
Fondly,
db
This year I'm actually doing okay. My husband, my children, and I are celebrating alone. This has helped me feel so much more calm this year. My mother in-law can be a bit controlling and her visits tend to be challenging for me.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we now have Christmas traditions of our own - special ornaments for the tree, the Christmas Eve Pageant for the kids, favorite foods on Christmas Day, driving around to look at lights, plans for ice skating & movie, ...
Ever so slowly, the bad/sad memories from my childhood and early adulthood are being replaced with the positive memories we are creating with our children.
The biggest change in me (thank you recovery!) has been the acceptance of my extended family members. There were so many years were I felt embarrassed about the dysfunction in my extended family. I would return from winter break wanting to lie about what I did over the holidays or I would make excuses for why I didn't see my mother or father.
I found that acceptance has brought me peace.
I do occasionally find myself still wishing for a "normal" extended family. But that is just not in the cards for me. There's a part of me that wonders if the ideal family in my mind even exists.
Someday I would like to celebrate Christmas with a house full of happy people. I doubt that it will ever be members of my extended family though.
Sending love to all of you as we celebrate/acknowledge/tolerate this day in our own unique ways.
Fondly,
db
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
The one I'm keeping in mind, this horrorday season, is from a book called The Art of Possibility, by Benjamin and Rosamund Zander. One of the first concepts they introduce is that none of the conditions we see in our lives every day -- this includes all of the "shoulds," among other things -- is an immutable Truth. Everything -- including Christmas, just to take a topical example -- is something people created for themselves. The Zanders say "It's All Invented" to encapsulate this whole principle. Here's a pertinent section:
A shoe factory sends two marketing scouts to a region of Africa to study the prospects for expanding business. One sends back a telegram saying,
SITUATION HOPELESS STOP NO ONE WEARS SHOES
The other writes back triumphantly,
GLORIOUS BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY STOP THEY HAVE NO SHOES
To the marketing expert who sees no shoes, all the evidence points to hopelessness. To his colleague, the same conditions point to abundance and possibility. Each scout comes to the scene with his own perspective; each returns telling a different tale. Indeed, all of life comes to us in narrative form; it's a story we tell.
The roots of this phenomenon go much deeper than just attitude or personality. Experiments in neuroscience have demonstrated that we reach an understanding of the world in roughly this sequence: first, our senses bring us selective information about what is out there; second, the brain constructs its own simulation of the sensations; and only then, third, do we have our first conscious experience of our milieu. The world comes into our consciousness in the form of a map already drawn, a story already told, a hypothesis, a construction of our own making.
The people who tell us we "should" be doing such-and-such, that we "should" be enjoying Norman-Rockwell-esque scenes with our family today, and all of that... they don't get that it's all invented. There is no one correct way to live.
Is this just a rationalization for the fact that I'm staying home today, going to an Al-Anon meeting at noon, maybe practicing some trombone later on, and not sitting around a Christmas tree with my loving, devoted family members? Nah -- that whole scene just wore me out, once I was past the age when Christmas was the day you got bombarded with lots of cool stuff you didn't even know you wanted. If you look at the history of Christmas, it's pretty clear that it's just another "invented" thing -- by early Christian higher-ups who wanted to hijack the revelry accompanying the winter solstice. Hey, whatever works. The point is, the same thing applies to the other 364 days of the year as well....
T
A shoe factory sends two marketing scouts to a region of Africa to study the prospects for expanding business. One sends back a telegram saying,
SITUATION HOPELESS STOP NO ONE WEARS SHOES
The other writes back triumphantly,
GLORIOUS BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY STOP THEY HAVE NO SHOES
To the marketing expert who sees no shoes, all the evidence points to hopelessness. To his colleague, the same conditions point to abundance and possibility. Each scout comes to the scene with his own perspective; each returns telling a different tale. Indeed, all of life comes to us in narrative form; it's a story we tell.
The roots of this phenomenon go much deeper than just attitude or personality. Experiments in neuroscience have demonstrated that we reach an understanding of the world in roughly this sequence: first, our senses bring us selective information about what is out there; second, the brain constructs its own simulation of the sensations; and only then, third, do we have our first conscious experience of our milieu. The world comes into our consciousness in the form of a map already drawn, a story already told, a hypothesis, a construction of our own making.
The people who tell us we "should" be doing such-and-such, that we "should" be enjoying Norman-Rockwell-esque scenes with our family today, and all of that... they don't get that it's all invented. There is no one correct way to live.
Is this just a rationalization for the fact that I'm staying home today, going to an Al-Anon meeting at noon, maybe practicing some trombone later on, and not sitting around a Christmas tree with my loving, devoted family members? Nah -- that whole scene just wore me out, once I was past the age when Christmas was the day you got bombarded with lots of cool stuff you didn't even know you wanted. If you look at the history of Christmas, it's pretty clear that it's just another "invented" thing -- by early Christian higher-ups who wanted to hijack the revelry accompanying the winter solstice. Hey, whatever works. The point is, the same thing applies to the other 364 days of the year as well....
T
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I did it! No choking up during the carols! But they didn't have any little kids so it didn't get the ultimate test LOL. But hey I'm taking it as a victory!
Did have our car break down in sub freezing temps and needed to get rescued, which we did. All in all pretty good though!
Did have our car break down in sub freezing temps and needed to get rescued, which we did. All in all pretty good though!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
I'm glad you're okay, Kialua, but how unpleasant to break down in those temps! Congratulations on a step forward!
My only Christmas strategy is the same as that for the rest of my life--focus on doing things *I* enjoy. Enjoy the moment. I played at church with the Christmas choir. I enjoyed putting on a festive holiday skirt and heels. I enjoyed baking with my daughters. I loved watching the kids open presents. Mostly, it's been a very good day, because I chose to enjoy what we DO do, rather than fret about not doing what we used to do.
I think it helps that I'm 100% clear WHY I don't spend Christmas with my family and remind myself that it would NOT be a Rockwell Christmas, but a day of being snubbed and treated like some sort of trouble maker.
My only Christmas strategy is the same as that for the rest of my life--focus on doing things *I* enjoy. Enjoy the moment. I played at church with the Christmas choir. I enjoyed putting on a festive holiday skirt and heels. I enjoyed baking with my daughters. I loved watching the kids open presents. Mostly, it's been a very good day, because I chose to enjoy what we DO do, rather than fret about not doing what we used to do.
I think it helps that I'm 100% clear WHY I don't spend Christmas with my family and remind myself that it would NOT be a Rockwell Christmas, but a day of being snubbed and treated like some sort of trouble maker.
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