Family not talking... am I doing the right thing?

Old 12-16-2012, 07:15 AM
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Family not talking... am I doing the right thing?

I wanted advice from people on a family situation, and thought this may be the best thread.

I grew up in an alcoholic household, there are issues with us getting on/being close to each other, probably because of the way we relate to one another.

I'm 8 month's sober myself, and going to see my eldest brother and his children over Christmas. My younger brother, doesn't speak to the eldest, and is going to see the middle brother.

Reason he doesn't speak to him is because he says my older brother is controlling and patronising. My eldest brother had asked the younger one to stop being so understanding to his daughter when she mis-behaves, as he has to deal with the discipline. There is an ongoing history where they didn't really speak for years, then re-connected. So younger one ignore him now. Younger brother has a cocaine and alcohol issue, elder and middle brothers all drink a lot.

Now older brother is asking me where the younger brother is etc etc. I've just told him he's going to the middle brothers and changed the conversation.

I'm just not getting involved, but can't work out if that is a healthy thing to do. I do want to see my older brother, his children are lovely, and he's very hospitable, but I'm trying to pretend the row isn't happening. This is what I did growing up, ignored the chaos and withdrew. Or I tried to fix it. I don't want to try and fix it but can't work out if that makes me weak or a bad person. The whole situation is making me uncomfortable but I'm figuring I just need to sit with that feeling and realise this is their issue and it's up to them to deal with it?
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Old 12-16-2012, 09:21 AM
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Sorry I can't follow this, how about numbering the sibs? like oldest 1, next 2, etc. But to speak to the issue, just go slow and be polite. Let the others battle out how they need to. I am number five of six and I rarely see any of them. One sib and I get along but not enough to share Christmas so you are miles ahead LOL. I understand the idea of feeling that you need to fix this, that is part of our "training" or need from growing up. I think you handled it fine. Inform without control.
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Old 12-16-2012, 11:31 AM
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thanks Kialua, you helped me with your comments. I think I confused myself by getting worked-up about it all... I need to step back and let it all go and let them do their thing

The inform without control bit really helped me think about it clearly.
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Old 12-16-2012, 11:47 AM
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The thing I have learned is that we are all very different.
Even though we grew up in the same house, because of birth order, personality type etc, we react differently.
I couldn't understand for the longest time why my siblings and I were not really close due to having grown up in a dysfunctional house.
Now, I realize we all had different experiences.
I try to be the peacemaker and talk to everyone, and get mangled in between at times.
Now, I am getting smarter. Still upsets me though.
Dreading Christmas as usual. Now, at least, there are grandkids to distract from the BS.
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Old 12-16-2012, 12:10 PM
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regeneration,

If you still have active alcoholism in your life (brothers) you might want to consider Al-anon.

Growing up with alcoholism I also move between fix it and withdrawal.

You might also consider ACA and therapy.

The times when my brothers have not spoken have been very difficult for me.

Congrats on the sobriety.
Vicki
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Old 12-16-2012, 04:48 PM
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i come from a family of 3 girls where i am the youngest. my older 2 sisters are 4 and 6 years older than me. when my parents split when i was 4, my eldest sister went and lived with my dad fulltime, and my middle sister and i stayed with my mum. my middle sister and i couldnt stand each other growing up, and my eldest sister was super cool as i barely got to see her. she use to play me and my middle sister off against each other (i can see that now), so my middle sister really did like her. as i grew up i realised what a selfish, manipulating, b1tch my eldest sister was, and eventually cut my losses and lived my life. my middle sister who just wants everyone to get along, tried to fix everything, as did my dad, but i honestly was just happy keeping my distance. i was civil with her if we had family gatherings, but not loving. eventually though my middle sister cut ties with her too. my dad is in the middle and tries to fix everything (as dads do), but i have told him to just butt out. if my eldest sister wants to mend any bridges then she will have to own her own bs, and own up to the pain and hurt she has caused us.

so dont feel you have to own anything that is going on around you. you can love your brothers for the good qualities they bring to your life, without taking on any of their bs. if you want to spend time with one of them because you want to then do, but if you don't want to spend time with another because you dont want to, then don't. but know why you are doing this and own it. you dont have to fix or ignore anything. you just have to own your own opinions in a loving, non judgemental way, and be ready to express them to the person concerned.

hope you have a great xmas.
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Old 12-16-2012, 05:11 PM
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What a difficult thing to decide when to get involved and when to stay out of it. I really believe it could take the wisdom of Solomon to know, as each situation is different, and we sometimes don't know the whole story.

I see two of my kids going at it hammers and tongs, and all the kids are rallying around one of them, and coming down hard on the one who overreacts, while saying relatively little about the one who provokes and throws his weight around. BOTH the kids involved are at fault in different ways, and I sort of wish that the other kids would stay out of it.

With me and my siblings (four of us total), a screaming rage aimed at me at a family gathering, followed by my dad (who has been to jail for domestic abuse and tried to choke at least two of his daughters) lecturing me on how to be a better parent, were the last straws for me. Two siblings tried to 'fix things' by lecturing me some more (can you guess what my family role is?) about how to be a better human being. I guess they each told my dad and the screaming sibling to look at their behaviors, but as long as they wouldn't, the default setting was to tell me again that somehow it was my fault and I should fix it.

As you can imagine, that type of fixing it didn't go over so well. None of them speak to me now--so I guess you could say they've withdrawn. Admittedly I make no effort to speak to them, either. I have withdrawn because I see no way to fix it so that it is peaceful for all of us, myself included.

So...do you fix it or stay out? I don't know. I feel for you and wish you the best of luck with sifting through the stories here to see what best fits your situation.
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Old 12-17-2012, 02:51 PM
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Aw thanks all. You all really helped. I don't feel so alone it now which is great. When I try to talk to this about other people who have grown-up without this craziness they just look confused, so this has helped me. There has been so many family rows and dramas over the years, at least I'm no longer causing them but the co-dependent bit of me starts itching away.

My brothers are decent people in their own way (as hopefully I am) but I think I'm still putting too much focus on us one day all being happy together, I need my own life.
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Old 12-17-2012, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by VickiACA View Post
regeneration,

If you still have active alcoholism in your life (brothers) you might want to consider Al-anon.

Growing up with alcoholism I also move between fix it and withdrawal.

You might also consider ACA and therapy.

The times when my brothers have not spoken have been very difficult for me.

Congrats on the sobriety.
Vicki
Hello Vicki, thanks for the congrats.

I think I do need al anon next. I kept thinking maybe I could get away without it.. but I'm having the odd issue with detaching from people when I need to and putting boundaries in place.

Done a fair bit of therapy, which has helped, but I think you're right. I always thought that because I sometimes don't see my brothers for over a year (one I see more often) I didn't need it, but this behaviour leaks into other areas of my life. Al anon would give me some balance, appreciate the suggestion.
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:09 AM
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but this behaviour leaks into other areas of my life
Speaking only for myself, it leaked into ALL of the rest of my life. The most critical was into my professional life.

And? I found that a lot of the AlAnon tools and help was very useful in many areas of life outside of the family dynamics - poopy clients for one. I now get to field all the poopy client calls because everyone where I work agrees that "you handle it so much better than the rest of us do." Go me? But it shows that learning how to set boundaries, how to detach without aggression, how to stay centered on oneself - those are skills that are highly useful *everywhere*, even as they're particularly useful in your family.
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Old 12-18-2012, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by GingerM View Post
I found that a lot of the AlAnon tools and help was very useful in many areas of life outside of the family dynamics... how to set boundaries, how to detach without aggression, how to stay centered on oneself - those are skills that are highly useful *everywhere*, even as they're particularly useful in your family.
That, I think, is the coolest thing about the Al-Anon/12-Steps! Even if there's no booze, drugs, or anything like that in our life, the tools work great for other things, like work, play... anywhere we interact with people. I deal with work situations much more constructively than I used to. Things that are beyond my control, hey, not my problem! Someone asks for my opinion, great, I'll give it -- but if not, I just do the best job I can at what they hired me to do. Let's face it -- most companies do not operate as well as they could... and most employees are in no position to do much about that. But why let it get to you that much? We got bigger fish to fry around here....

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