Coming to Terms with Cutting off my Parents (LONG)
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Soon to be upstate New York
Posts: 48
hexaemeron, thanks for sharing your story. Reading about the pressure you endured to be perfect, especially academically, was like reading about my own childhood. I too was my mother's confidant about her depraved life. Everything from her criminal activity to her extramarital affairs. Not only did I have to listen and keep her secrets, but I had to support and validate her, or risk facing her rage. And then with the grades in school....oye. I would bring home straight A's on a report card, and my mom would be disappointed because they weren't A+'s. Like you, there was no money for me to go to college, but the unequivocal expectation that I would go. I also always had to pretend to be happy. My mom would berate me or publicly humiliate me, and then scream at me to "smile goddammit!" It turned me into a robotic machine. Her nickname for me was "the stepford child." Have you ever heard the song "Perfect" by Alanis Morrisette? It's a song about our childhoods.
You made the right choice in cutting off your parents, as difficult as it is. It's time to take care of yourself. I wish you peace and happiness.
You made the right choice in cutting off your parents, as difficult as it is. It's time to take care of yourself. I wish you peace and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Soon to be upstate New York
Posts: 48
Also just wanted to comment on the "not remembering" that you talked about. My mom uses the same tactics. She conveniently never remembers any of her bad behavior. Or she will outright deny that it ever happened, or change the story, or act like the other person is crazy, exaggerating, misunderstood, is being too sensitive, etc. It's crazy making, and makes a person (especially someone who grows up with a parent like this) really doubt themselves and their perceptions. I am still working on trusting my own perceptions, feelings, instincts, memories, etc.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Intrepid, my Mom did the not remembering too. She was the enabler and would say to my abusive alcoholic dad, "not where is shows dad, not where it shows" as he beat me daily. It drove me crazy. So many things. And she never did remember nor apologize sincerely her whole life. Never owned to it at all, except when she would get creepy and feign tears with her not remembering. But she would and could remember every little detail of every house we lived in and other daily facts to the nth degree. They remember they just don't want to admit it to themselves or others.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Soon to be upstate New York
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by Kialua 
Intrepid, my Mom did the not remembering too. She was the enabler and would say to my abusive alcoholic dad, "not where is shows dad, not where it shows" as he beat me daily. It drove me crazy. So many things. And she never did remember nor apologize sincerely her whole life. Never owned to it at all, except when she would get creepy and feign tears with her not remembering. But she would and could remember every little detail of every house we lived in and other daily facts to the nth degree. They remember they just don't want to admit it to themselves or others.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Originally Posted by EveningRose
Regarding the confidante thing, yes, here, too. My mother told me things that to this day I wish she would have talked to an adult friend. She was confiding, using me as a counselor, but also determined to turn me against my father. All of it was bad. You don't say some things to a kid.
My older sibling struggles with this, I believe, trying to be perfect. I could give you a long, long list of her accomplishments, but it's never good enough for her, and I believe this striving for perfection is what brought on the stress that led to her rages--yet when I tried to say so gently, not blaming her at all, trying to say, don't put yourself under so much pressure--that, too, in her mind was a criticism of her. No, it's a criticism of our parents. I struggle with it myself.
Secret-keeping: As I've traveled this journey the last few years, I've tried to unravel the bizarre behavior that makes no sense and the fragmented memories, and I suspect (may never know if I'm totally off track) that part of my mother's apparent hatred of me is that I told. I have a very clear memory of way out of line behavior from my dad, and I bet I told my mother and she branded me a liar rather than face the truth and risk becoming a single mother in the early 70s.
So much gold in your post, Frances. This has been my experience, too. "You're burning your bridges," is one of my family's phrases, and I finally understood that no, I am not burning bridges at all. Rather, I have spent a lifetime racing with buckets of water to put out the fires they start. This time, they doused the bridge with gasoline and tossed on two dozen lit matches, and I didn't run for water.
I have spent a good deal of energy re-examining my actions, motives, alternatives, and every single time, I come back to the frustrating but freeing conclusion there was simply nothing else I could have done to have any more peace than I do now. I could have continued smiling and turning the other cheek while they tore me down and I died a little more inside each time with the humiliation, I could have finally gotten down in the mud and fought them (and I would have lost, given family dynamics), or I could have walked away. I chose Door #3.
This is so true. I can't tell you how often I hear myself talk and think this is so crazy, so and so must think I'm leaving out something awful that I did. But I'm not. Their behavior is simply irrational, except if you look at it through the lens of alcoholic family dynamics.
Hexaemeron, I do not mean this post to be a distraction from anything you posted, but more of telling you yes, this is happening to them, to me, to you, to all of us...it's standard, typical, and you're not crazy, and there's only so much you can do. Sometimes they leave us no choice but to finally walk away.
My older sibling struggles with this, I believe, trying to be perfect. I could give you a long, long list of her accomplishments, but it's never good enough for her, and I believe this striving for perfection is what brought on the stress that led to her rages--yet when I tried to say so gently, not blaming her at all, trying to say, don't put yourself under so much pressure--that, too, in her mind was a criticism of her. No, it's a criticism of our parents. I struggle with it myself.
Secret-keeping: As I've traveled this journey the last few years, I've tried to unravel the bizarre behavior that makes no sense and the fragmented memories, and I suspect (may never know if I'm totally off track) that part of my mother's apparent hatred of me is that I told. I have a very clear memory of way out of line behavior from my dad, and I bet I told my mother and she branded me a liar rather than face the truth and risk becoming a single mother in the early 70s.
So much gold in your post, Frances. This has been my experience, too. "You're burning your bridges," is one of my family's phrases, and I finally understood that no, I am not burning bridges at all. Rather, I have spent a lifetime racing with buckets of water to put out the fires they start. This time, they doused the bridge with gasoline and tossed on two dozen lit matches, and I didn't run for water.
I have spent a good deal of energy re-examining my actions, motives, alternatives, and every single time, I come back to the frustrating but freeing conclusion there was simply nothing else I could have done to have any more peace than I do now. I could have continued smiling and turning the other cheek while they tore me down and I died a little more inside each time with the humiliation, I could have finally gotten down in the mud and fought them (and I would have lost, given family dynamics), or I could have walked away. I chose Door #3.
This is so true. I can't tell you how often I hear myself talk and think this is so crazy, so and so must think I'm leaving out something awful that I did. But I'm not. Their behavior is simply irrational, except if you look at it through the lens of alcoholic family dynamics.
Hexaemeron, I do not mean this post to be a distraction from anything you posted, but more of telling you yes, this is happening to them, to me, to you, to all of us...it's standard, typical, and you're not crazy, and there's only so much you can do. Sometimes they leave us no choice but to finally walk away.
I share much of your story--was the "perfect" one...although female, and the oldest child. Over the years, I can look back and see how much stress and pressure it put on me...and my younger sister...always seemed to get the attention by not getting good grades and acting out...and to this day...she is very front and center in the family unit (after Dad died 13 years ago and I realized that I just wasn't part of the family unit anymore...after having been the center of all the medical care, working 80 hours a week in a Fortune 100 in San Francisco, and losing a child to SIDS and raising my own family of 5 children). It was traumatic.
Came to realize, as my own children hit teenager hood and used drugs (& became addicted), that my parents had been active alcoholics since I was 16 (when I noticed)). My siblings all still believe mother...who had used me as her confidante (& thereby giving me stuff to put together when I started trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me)...who will only admit that Dad drank, but was not an alcoholic. My own mother drinks daily and it was pointed out 20 years ago by a sister-in-law...but seemingly forgotten now.
Since I "said" that I thought Dad was an alcoholic (as my own daughter was going into a crystal meth addiction that took more than a decade to work through & we, as parents, helped...I did my own recovery work)...my siblings have been angry with me...my youngest brother told me last summer that he was NOT an alcoholic...that mom explained that he just drank...and was NOT an alcoholic. I also told...so am hated...my mother told me recently that I am mentally ill and very very sick and need major medical care.
It was then that I realized I had to stop talking about my recovery, what I have learned, etc. as I have for the past 16 years as I have gotten better...although no longer in the high pressure position that I had in finance for 25 years...had to let myself be who I am and as of last year...have been working to become an english teacher for ESL kids...self inventing and using helpful friends and people who have appeared in my life to help...I am happier every year.
My own adult children...even one a nurse are not willing to discuss anything about the drug use that has been constant as one child after another (all the girls)--although the boy drinks heavily and binges...but in a latin family, that is "normal" (?)-not. I continue to work on my recovery and recently, in February, tried for what I hope is the last time to get through to my mother who has never been a "yes" person with me...always a "no" person, although she has given my husband things and help that were completely enabling and not helpful...but their problem.
I am now struggling, but doing it...going into NC. Contact only hurts me.
Your story is so relatable...and you deserve to have people and things in your life that provide love and nurture and fun. I am taking hope from your story...as I realize that my own struggles since 2001 when Dad died...have been different, but similar. There is no specificity in my mother...she denies everything...but blames me when I am alone and I can't tell if she talks that way to siblings, but they have gone from loving and respectful to completely silent.
I am sorry for so much writing, but you touched my heart and I know that you are heading in the right direction...and I hope, for myself, that I will be able to let go and move on. The pain is unbearable and as the oldest, I was the fixer, the old reliable...but that is not wanted from those in addiction (alcohol too)...enabling is wanted, agreeing, not telling, dishonesty is wanted. As hard as it sounds...you need to save you...because, I am older than you...and I am hoping I did not throw away my whole life because of these people. Dad helped because he was kind (when not drunk) and almost laughable...he had a stroke and the last eleven years of his life were the best years I ever had with him...but mother got worse and it was obvious that she had attacked me (I stood up for an adult sister who had been the scapegoat and it turned).
I am now in deeper recovery than I have ever been before. I know that I need to change my life for the better. I have "helped" too many people who don't care afterwards or who, worse...attack and blame me for my own feelings and helping. I am coming out of deep depression that was produced by realizing that I cannot change my Mom...she always was the same person...she didn't love me (wasn't capable of it)...she used me and then when I didn't act the way I was supposed to...she turned to my siblings...who want her money (thank God she has assets).
Well, please know you are in good company and you helped me. Stick with what you are doing...it is important...it is good. I have been in that situation where I had to hit the road running and was called "out" because of a family medical crisis. It is a long time ago...but it had consequences and ultimately I ended up letting go of the high pressure career as I just got too tired and too upset all the time.
For the person who posted about perfectionist older sibling and rage...yes that is me. Although I know I grew up with that rage and my younger sibling also showed it...but she went into NC with me 11 years ago...right after I started having addiction issues with my own children. I had helped her throughout with her ADD child and did the hospital part of Dad's illness, but she cut me off immediately. It is confusing...but finally not feeling cravings for her to like me again.
I feel lost sometimes, but at least I can see the crazy more often now.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
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Originally Posted by irisgardens
It was then that I realized I had to stop talking about my recovery, what I have learned, etc. as I have for the past 16 years as I have gotten better...
It's sometimes a lonely path, but I just do my recovery program and shut up about it....
T
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Thanks Tromboneliness...it is good to know that I am alone on this path. I guess, there is a really deep part of me that is just frantic at being alone or the fear of being alone...but I am progressing. Will take this into my immediate next step...to shut up. Hard, because now I am feeling like I failed..stupid huh? Yes, taking into my immediate next step...starting now.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
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Originally Posted by irisgardens
Thanks Tromboneliness...it is good to know that I am alone on this path. I guess, there is a really deep part of me that is just frantic at being alone or the fear of being alone...but I am progressing. Will take this into my immediate next step...to shut up. Hard, because now I am feeling like I failed..stupid huh? Yes, taking into my immediate next step...starting now.
T
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