New here... sharing my story.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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New here... sharing my story.
So, I'm new here, as the title says. I only just recently figured out that I needed help for the issues that I have. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. It's still hard to realize, hard to say, and hard to admit to.
My mother is the alcoholic in the family, though both of my parents have issues. Both of my parents are ACoA's themselves, though my father also had to deal with abuse and other trauma in his childhood as well.
My mother started drinking when I was 6. It's kind of the standard run-of-the-mill story that you hear; she started drinking, life fell apart, it was the family secret that everyone knew.
My sister and I saw many things growing up in our home - we saw many nights of screaming and yelling. We saw my father make himself the scapegoat to make it so that my mother's rage was taken out on him, and not on us.
Although it happened rarely, we saw our parents get into physical altercations with each other. My father having grown up in an abusive home and being a lot stronger than my mother always had a hard time when this happened. He always felt that he wasn't totally in control of his strength and always worried that he would end up doing something awful to her. Though, that never happened.
Things hit rock-bottom for my mother when she had a car accident and got a DUI, my sister and I were in the car when she had the accident, and it was a big one. It totaled her car.
Around this time is when social services started getting involved and interviewing my sister and I about our family life. My sister is older than I am by almost 2 years, and she was the smart one who figured out that if we told the truth to the social services workers that we'd be taken away from our parents, so we continually lied to them about the situation at home. So, we lied to them, told them everything was ok. Hell, we lied to ourselves and told ourselves that everything was ok.
Out of fear of us being taken away, my father shipped us off to our grandparents. It was one of those situations that my mother didn't know about, and my father just got us up one morning, EARLY, and drove us down to the airport, and told us we were going to see our grandparents. I remember at this time getting sympathy cards from my classmates, that they were sorry that our family was going through this and they hoped I would be able to return to school soon. I don't know if to this day any of those kids understood what was really happening to us, or what they were told.
So, my mother sobered up during this time. It was never really an issue again with her drinking, not until much later.
My mother recently (with in the past four years) has started drinking again. It's always for one reason or another, but it really all started when her mother passed away. It wasn't unexpected - my grandmother had cancer, so it's not like this wasn't a long time coming.
Anyway, all of this came to a head in April when my mother fell down a flight of stairs in her home while she was drinking. She fractured her skull, broke her collarbone in 4 places, and had some pretty severe brain injuries just due to the blunt force trauma of falling down the stairs. Once again the reaction was typical of my family - let's not tell anyone, does mom really need to go to the hospital, etc etc. I made the executive decision when I went over to see my mother after she fell down the stairs and she sat up in bed and blood starting coming out of her ear. She spent a night in the ICU, and had to receive surgery on her collarbone.
So, I really thought that the drinking was over at this time. My mother had all of these wonderful things to say. "I've been given a second chance, and I won't blow it." "There is a divine reason that I survived falling down the stairs." Well, she's started drinking again.
I think it was 4 weeks ago now that we carted her off to the hospital while she was intoxicated. Literally, we shoved her into the back of a car and drove her to the hospital, where they kept her overnight (of course, they TIED her to the bed, and chemically sedated her). The next time I talked to my mother I was told that if only my sister hadn't done something that she wouldn't have drank. It's the typical BS that alcoholics say.
During my mother's most recent drinking binge, that happened about a week ago, my mother drove her car while she was black-out drunk. She was called in for a DUI, but she didn't get arrested because she was back home by the time the cops showed up, and my father carted my mother off into the house and lied to the police and told them that he was driving the car. They made him do a breathalyzer, which came out negative because he wasn't drinking, and they went away. There's a huge part of me that feels that he should have let her get arrested, and shouldn't have protected her from the consequences of her actions.
It's really been in the last drinking binge that I realized that I had a problem. It was always something that I shrugged off - "I was brought up in an irish catholic home, of course I'm going to feel guilty all the time", and a load of other excuses as well. I cut myself off from talking to my mother to really do some soul-searching. And I've discovered that I'm the adult child of an alcoholic. And I'm trying to fix me.
I really didn't want anything to do with my mother since her last drinking binge. It's been for the last few months that it's like, every time she calls me, or every time I hear from my family I have this awful feeling of dread. "I wonder what ******** my mother's pulling this time", is what I think to myself. My father called me yesterday and just begged me to talk to my mom because she needed my love and support right now, because she's trying to get help to sober up. So, against what I needed for myself, I went ahead and texted my mom. I just... I dunno. I'm realizing that I'm falling into the same patterns again.
I just got married a little over a year ago. My husband got arrested in September for a DUI. I'm so, so, so, so afraid that I did just as the ACoA stuff that I've read has said. I'm afraid I married an alcoholic. My husband isn't the same crazy abusive alcoholic that my mother is. I've had suspicions of him having a drinking problem, but I've been too afraid to do anything about it. He's also wondered in the past before the DUI if he had a drinking problem.
So, everything is just kind of piling up. I just received and read through Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I know I violated the rules by reading the whole book in one sitting, but I did.
My husband is being very supportive of me through this process. We're still dealing with the legal BS that the DUI has brought down upon us. We haven't even gotten to the point of conviction yet. It's just been a hell of an awful ride, and with my mother acting out like she is it's making both of us really afraid of what all of this means for us.
I feel like at least now I have a better idea of what's going on with me, but I am finding that I'm really afraid to feel what I'm feeling. Or allow myself to feel.
So, how to handle this? I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.
I feel like I should end this with saying that I'm sorry that this is so long. I know I'm early on in this, and I know I shouldn't be feeling sorry or guilty for speaking up, but I do.
My mother is the alcoholic in the family, though both of my parents have issues. Both of my parents are ACoA's themselves, though my father also had to deal with abuse and other trauma in his childhood as well.
My mother started drinking when I was 6. It's kind of the standard run-of-the-mill story that you hear; she started drinking, life fell apart, it was the family secret that everyone knew.
My sister and I saw many things growing up in our home - we saw many nights of screaming and yelling. We saw my father make himself the scapegoat to make it so that my mother's rage was taken out on him, and not on us.
Although it happened rarely, we saw our parents get into physical altercations with each other. My father having grown up in an abusive home and being a lot stronger than my mother always had a hard time when this happened. He always felt that he wasn't totally in control of his strength and always worried that he would end up doing something awful to her. Though, that never happened.
Things hit rock-bottom for my mother when she had a car accident and got a DUI, my sister and I were in the car when she had the accident, and it was a big one. It totaled her car.
Around this time is when social services started getting involved and interviewing my sister and I about our family life. My sister is older than I am by almost 2 years, and she was the smart one who figured out that if we told the truth to the social services workers that we'd be taken away from our parents, so we continually lied to them about the situation at home. So, we lied to them, told them everything was ok. Hell, we lied to ourselves and told ourselves that everything was ok.
Out of fear of us being taken away, my father shipped us off to our grandparents. It was one of those situations that my mother didn't know about, and my father just got us up one morning, EARLY, and drove us down to the airport, and told us we were going to see our grandparents. I remember at this time getting sympathy cards from my classmates, that they were sorry that our family was going through this and they hoped I would be able to return to school soon. I don't know if to this day any of those kids understood what was really happening to us, or what they were told.
So, my mother sobered up during this time. It was never really an issue again with her drinking, not until much later.
My mother recently (with in the past four years) has started drinking again. It's always for one reason or another, but it really all started when her mother passed away. It wasn't unexpected - my grandmother had cancer, so it's not like this wasn't a long time coming.
Anyway, all of this came to a head in April when my mother fell down a flight of stairs in her home while she was drinking. She fractured her skull, broke her collarbone in 4 places, and had some pretty severe brain injuries just due to the blunt force trauma of falling down the stairs. Once again the reaction was typical of my family - let's not tell anyone, does mom really need to go to the hospital, etc etc. I made the executive decision when I went over to see my mother after she fell down the stairs and she sat up in bed and blood starting coming out of her ear. She spent a night in the ICU, and had to receive surgery on her collarbone.
So, I really thought that the drinking was over at this time. My mother had all of these wonderful things to say. "I've been given a second chance, and I won't blow it." "There is a divine reason that I survived falling down the stairs." Well, she's started drinking again.
I think it was 4 weeks ago now that we carted her off to the hospital while she was intoxicated. Literally, we shoved her into the back of a car and drove her to the hospital, where they kept her overnight (of course, they TIED her to the bed, and chemically sedated her). The next time I talked to my mother I was told that if only my sister hadn't done something that she wouldn't have drank. It's the typical BS that alcoholics say.
During my mother's most recent drinking binge, that happened about a week ago, my mother drove her car while she was black-out drunk. She was called in for a DUI, but she didn't get arrested because she was back home by the time the cops showed up, and my father carted my mother off into the house and lied to the police and told them that he was driving the car. They made him do a breathalyzer, which came out negative because he wasn't drinking, and they went away. There's a huge part of me that feels that he should have let her get arrested, and shouldn't have protected her from the consequences of her actions.
It's really been in the last drinking binge that I realized that I had a problem. It was always something that I shrugged off - "I was brought up in an irish catholic home, of course I'm going to feel guilty all the time", and a load of other excuses as well. I cut myself off from talking to my mother to really do some soul-searching. And I've discovered that I'm the adult child of an alcoholic. And I'm trying to fix me.
I really didn't want anything to do with my mother since her last drinking binge. It's been for the last few months that it's like, every time she calls me, or every time I hear from my family I have this awful feeling of dread. "I wonder what ******** my mother's pulling this time", is what I think to myself. My father called me yesterday and just begged me to talk to my mom because she needed my love and support right now, because she's trying to get help to sober up. So, against what I needed for myself, I went ahead and texted my mom. I just... I dunno. I'm realizing that I'm falling into the same patterns again.
I just got married a little over a year ago. My husband got arrested in September for a DUI. I'm so, so, so, so afraid that I did just as the ACoA stuff that I've read has said. I'm afraid I married an alcoholic. My husband isn't the same crazy abusive alcoholic that my mother is. I've had suspicions of him having a drinking problem, but I've been too afraid to do anything about it. He's also wondered in the past before the DUI if he had a drinking problem.
So, everything is just kind of piling up. I just received and read through Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I know I violated the rules by reading the whole book in one sitting, but I did.
My husband is being very supportive of me through this process. We're still dealing with the legal BS that the DUI has brought down upon us. We haven't even gotten to the point of conviction yet. It's just been a hell of an awful ride, and with my mother acting out like she is it's making both of us really afraid of what all of this means for us.
I feel like at least now I have a better idea of what's going on with me, but I am finding that I'm really afraid to feel what I'm feeling. Or allow myself to feel.
So, how to handle this? I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.
I feel like I should end this with saying that I'm sorry that this is so long. I know I'm early on in this, and I know I shouldn't be feeling sorry or guilty for speaking up, but I do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 63
Welcome Kaitar,
I think the issues of active alcoholism and growing up as children in alcoholic and/or dysfunctional families are similar but different.
For active alcoholism I usually encourage alanon.
For ACA issue you can check and see if you there is a meeting in your area.
Tromboneliness did a nice intro in another thread.
It's not uncommon that children of alcoholics become alcoholics and/or marry them.
I've also found therapy to be a great help.
Welcome.
Vicki
I think the issues of active alcoholism and growing up as children in alcoholic and/or dysfunctional families are similar but different.
For active alcoholism I usually encourage alanon.
For ACA issue you can check and see if you there is a meeting in your area.
Tromboneliness did a nice intro in another thread.
Originally Posted by tromboneliness 
Ever gone to ACA (a/k/a ACOA)? That's what... (at the risk of giving advice) you need. Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.. Find a meeting in your area. Go. Get their big red book. Get a sponsor.
Alcoholic parents didn't take care of us when we were growing up, and they're not going to take care of us now. (Well, mine are dead, so I can say that with more certainty.) They are incapable of it.
Oh -- almost forgot! -- welcome! This is a great group; lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope™ -- and some like-minded people who Get It. That's important!
T
Alcoholic parents didn't take care of us when we were growing up, and they're not going to take care of us now. (Well, mine are dead, so I can say that with more certainty.) They are incapable of it.
Oh -- almost forgot! -- welcome! This is a great group; lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope™ -- and some like-minded people who Get It. That's important!
T
I've also found therapy to be a great help.
Welcome.
Vicki
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Originally Posted by KaitarDrakon
I just got married a little over a year ago. My husband got arrested in September for a DUI. I'm so, so, so, so afraid that I did just as the ACoA stuff that I've read has said. I'm afraid I married an alcoholic. My husband isn't the same crazy abusive alcoholic that my mother is. I've had suspicions of him having a drinking problem, but I've been too afraid to do anything about it. He's also wondered in the past before the DUI if he had a drinking problem.
Just want to point out that being so so afraid, and not speaking up is a bit codependant. If you are suspicious of a drinking problem then it probably is so. You have enough experience to spot it, trust yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Since you read the book you know that the guilt you feel for posting here, though common, is unwarranted. 
If you're wondering if something is wrong, it probably is. Keep reading here, and keep posting. This board was a Godsend for me - I discovered Naranon, ACoA, and started actively working through these challenges with someone specifically qualified to handle addiction-related trauma. It's slow work, but life doesn't have to be so dark and scary. Welcome to SR.
If you're wondering if something is wrong, it probably is. Keep reading here, and keep posting. This board was a Godsend for me - I discovered Naranon, ACoA, and started actively working through these challenges with someone specifically qualified to handle addiction-related trauma. It's slow work, but life doesn't have to be so dark and scary. Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Welcome to SR. Only you can figure out how to deal with your parents. The best way to start is by working on yourself. Once you know what type of life you want, you can determine how others fit into it. Always keep in mind you can't change them. You can set boundries to protect yourself, but build them too high and you might miss out on life. It's a balancing act.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 2
Thanks all for the resources and the show of support. It's been a tough journey already so far, and I hope eventually it'll be easier.
I'm a bit afraid to go to Al-Anon or to an ACOA... can anyone tell me what it's like to be there?
Thanks again.
I'm a bit afraid to go to Al-Anon or to an ACOA... can anyone tell me what it's like to be there?
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by KaitarDrakon
I'm a bit afraid to go to Al-Anon or to an ACOA... can anyone tell me what it's like to be there?
I tried a couple of other groups in the area. I found an ACA meeting not too far that I felt very at home with. It's odd, and I didn't like going to different groups. I had lots of anxiety before each meeting. But once I found the right one, I knew. The ACA meetings focus more on us, and how we behave and react as adult children raised in dysfuntional homes.
Sounds like you could use a little of both. So, find the meetings, try them all. You'll know the one after a meeting or two.
One thing all the meetings had in comman was there was no pressure. I could stay, or I could go. I could share, or I could just sit and listen. My choice.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Something like 50% of children of addicts either become one themselves or end up marrying one. I did, married two, both deceased. Unfortunately, at the time, I did not know any better. By attending meetings and going to therapy, I stopped making the bad choices, that were slowly destroying me.
My mother is 87 and still drinking daily(now over 65 years), she is abusive and a very sick person. I am no contact with her, yet again, the third time in my adult life,once for 10 years. It was either her or me, I chose me, there is nothing I can do to help her.
As for your husband, he very well may be an alcoholic. This is a disease that has no cure, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not. Many stop when caught in a DUI situation, however, for many the recovery is short lived...only time will tell whether he is serious about recovery or not.
In the meantime, you may want to read Codependent No More, the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends Forums and the blogs posted by cynical one, lots of good information at your fingertips.
Keep posting, it will help.
My mother is 87 and still drinking daily(now over 65 years), she is abusive and a very sick person. I am no contact with her, yet again, the third time in my adult life,once for 10 years. It was either her or me, I chose me, there is nothing I can do to help her.
As for your husband, he very well may be an alcoholic. This is a disease that has no cure, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not. Many stop when caught in a DUI situation, however, for many the recovery is short lived...only time will tell whether he is serious about recovery or not.
In the meantime, you may want to read Codependent No More, the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends Forums and the blogs posted by cynical one, lots of good information at your fingertips.
Keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I feel like at least now I have a better idea of what's going on with me, but I am finding that I'm really afraid to feel what I'm feeling. Or allow myself to feel.
I slapped a huge lead blanket on top of all my emotions and left it there. Where it made certain that I was never hurt - and that I could never experience joy or amazement or wonder. And I repeated the cycle of getting involved in abusive relationships, all while my lead blanket protected me. And then one day, a fiance tried to kill me. And my lead blanket cracked. And I FELT! Holy cow did I ever FEEL! I don't recommend that as a therapeutic solution to not feeling.
(some time elapses) - I'm afraid I need to get back to this later, but thought I would post this much for you at least.
Welcome.
So, how to handle this? I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.
I feel like I should end this with saying that I'm sorry that this is so long. I know I'm early on in this, and I know I shouldn't be feeling sorry or guilty for speaking up, but I do. [/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
So, how to handle this? I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.
One foot in front of the other. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if you have to. That's how most of the rest of us did this. It is not a fast process, and in this era of email and FedEx 1st overnight, we've come to expect instant results.
Set your expectations reasonably - you didn't get to where you are now 1st overnight, and you won't be able to recover 1st overnight either. It will take time. Keep working on yourself, you'll get there. Don't give up.
I feel like I should end this with saying that I'm sorry that this is so long. I know I'm early on in this, and I know I shouldn't be feeling sorry or guilty for speaking up, but I do.
You say you shouldn't be feeling sorry or guilty, but you do. Who says you "should"? Is that your own voice or someone else's? Because I seriously doubt that you would wish or want to feel guilty, and it certainly isn't in your best interest.
I'd bet that if you kept track of all the times throughout the day that you "should" yourself, you would be amazed at the number. We were taught from a young age what we "should" and "shouldn't" be. I've found that by replacing "should" with "wish, want, would be in my best interest", two things happen:
1. I remove a terrific amount of guilt from my life. A "should" implies a responsibility to achieve a certain outcome. A wish/want/best interest implies...well, a wish or a want or a 'best interest' ("best interest would be something like mowing the lawn - I don't really wish to do it, I don't really want to do it, but it would be in my best interest).
and
2. I learn to differentiate between MY voice and the old tapes of others' voices in my head. Anymore, if I hear myself "shoulding", I can even tell you exactly whose voice of the panoply of dysfunctional relatives that voice is. And I can always tell that it's not my voice. My voice doesn't use "should" anymore.
Take what you want, leave the rest, as always
Gin
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