Introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Introduction
Hi everyone, Someone suggested that I put up a new thread to introduce myself, so here it is 
(How uncomfortable it is to be noticed, btw!)
I lived apart from my parents for 8 years, and just moved back in with them over the summer. It's, in many ways, a triumph that I am able to live with them without completely caving in on myself. I am still really vulnerable to them, of course, but I have developed a sense of myself that is in conflict with the way that they view me. I am definitely not as bad as they make me out to be.
The real emotional struggle for me right now is really growing up and not giving in to my own bad relationship habits. I used to believe that everything was my fault, and my parents were perfect, so I got really emotionally sick (first bulimia, then alcoholism, abusive relationships, etc.) Then I started learning about alcoholism and my family, and I developed an understanding of what my parents had done wrong. (Both are alcoholic.) That was really important, because it gave me permission to stop hating myself. Now, I feel like I really have a good understanding of where I come from, who my parents are, and what they can and can't do for me. I'm not bulimic or drinking anymore, and I have a good man as my boyfriend. In the process of getting my own recovery, I've screamed at my parents and said the meanest things I could think of, in an effort to "wake them up" so they could start taking care of me like I had always been waiting for them to do. It didn't work. I feel bad because I really was cruel in some ways.
So now the problem is- how I do take responsibility for my own faults, without giving in to this old idea that I am just fundamentally bad?
I have always been a caretaker, getting self esteem from putting up with difficult people and not needing anything, and not expressing anything. That does have an understandable origin in my past. After all, that is the de facto rule of communication for the women in my family. BE QUIET. It is painful to see that I am not doing anyone any good by keeping up with that way of being. I am actually causing problems. I'm taking part in perpetuating this alcoholic system. It's keeping me invisible in all my relationships. I don't get my relationship needs met in an appropriate way, so I actually get needier (in a bad way). I am also struggling with my tendency to be overly dependent on people, because I won't take care of myself.
It seems so crazy. I realized with my therapist not too long ago that my efforts to emotionally protect my mom have always been fruitless. In a way, my efforts have actually been very selfish. (Of course that's forgivable for a child, but as an adult I am responsible for how I behave.) Obsessively trying to protect my mom from pain has been my life's work! And it was just a delusion?! I couldn't actually succeed? I failed? She was still in pain this whole time! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What now? I have to actually be willing to see her in pain, if that's necessary. Seriously I am 26 and I feel like I am going to die if that happens. I will literally just disappear into a loud of dust. I'm still working on figuring out where all this emotional protection stuff comes from...
Anyway, that's today. It's so great to hear from people who understand the "code", you know?
PS to the wonderful person that PM'd me, I wrote a response but couldn't send it because I won't be able to PM until I post five times. Probably, that will be soon
(How uncomfortable it is to be noticed, btw!)
I lived apart from my parents for 8 years, and just moved back in with them over the summer. It's, in many ways, a triumph that I am able to live with them without completely caving in on myself. I am still really vulnerable to them, of course, but I have developed a sense of myself that is in conflict with the way that they view me. I am definitely not as bad as they make me out to be.
The real emotional struggle for me right now is really growing up and not giving in to my own bad relationship habits. I used to believe that everything was my fault, and my parents were perfect, so I got really emotionally sick (first bulimia, then alcoholism, abusive relationships, etc.) Then I started learning about alcoholism and my family, and I developed an understanding of what my parents had done wrong. (Both are alcoholic.) That was really important, because it gave me permission to stop hating myself. Now, I feel like I really have a good understanding of where I come from, who my parents are, and what they can and can't do for me. I'm not bulimic or drinking anymore, and I have a good man as my boyfriend. In the process of getting my own recovery, I've screamed at my parents and said the meanest things I could think of, in an effort to "wake them up" so they could start taking care of me like I had always been waiting for them to do. It didn't work. I feel bad because I really was cruel in some ways.
So now the problem is- how I do take responsibility for my own faults, without giving in to this old idea that I am just fundamentally bad?
I have always been a caretaker, getting self esteem from putting up with difficult people and not needing anything, and not expressing anything. That does have an understandable origin in my past. After all, that is the de facto rule of communication for the women in my family. BE QUIET. It is painful to see that I am not doing anyone any good by keeping up with that way of being. I am actually causing problems. I'm taking part in perpetuating this alcoholic system. It's keeping me invisible in all my relationships. I don't get my relationship needs met in an appropriate way, so I actually get needier (in a bad way). I am also struggling with my tendency to be overly dependent on people, because I won't take care of myself.
It seems so crazy. I realized with my therapist not too long ago that my efforts to emotionally protect my mom have always been fruitless. In a way, my efforts have actually been very selfish. (Of course that's forgivable for a child, but as an adult I am responsible for how I behave.) Obsessively trying to protect my mom from pain has been my life's work! And it was just a delusion?! I couldn't actually succeed? I failed? She was still in pain this whole time! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What now? I have to actually be willing to see her in pain, if that's necessary. Seriously I am 26 and I feel like I am going to die if that happens. I will literally just disappear into a loud of dust. I'm still working on figuring out where all this emotional protection stuff comes from...
Anyway, that's today. It's so great to hear from people who understand the "code", you know?
PS to the wonderful person that PM'd me, I wrote a response but couldn't send it because I won't be able to PM until I post five times. Probably, that will be soon
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by looselips 
I've screamed at my parents and said the meanest things I could think of, in an effort to "wake them up" so they could start taking care of me like I had always been waiting for them to do.
Alcoholic parents didn't take care of us when we were growing up, and they're not going to take care of us now. (Well, mine are dead, so I can say that with more certainty.) They are incapable of it.
Oh -- almost forgot! -- welcome! This is a great group; lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope™ -- and some like-minded people who Get It. That's important!
T
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome looselips. Glad you found us. I doubt if you can ever "wake up" your parents. That is journey they have to initiate as well as take. I'm sorry you have to live with them again, that can't be good. It's going to be very hard.
The bad you reference in you was planted and cared for by your alcoholic parents and you were reacting with what was put in your heart. Now it's time to realize that you can garden your own heart and plant what you need and weed out what you don't like. It's not your fault for what they did to you and taught you in the past. But it is your responsibility to tend the garden now and not let anymore weeds grow. To help you do that please read over (and over and over) the stickies above. They are full of a wealth of information. And of course attending some meetings as tromboneliness suggested.
This is an exciting time in your life, let us help if we can. You can do this.
The bad you reference in you was planted and cared for by your alcoholic parents and you were reacting with what was put in your heart. Now it's time to realize that you can garden your own heart and plant what you need and weed out what you don't like. It's not your fault for what they did to you and taught you in the past. But it is your responsibility to tend the garden now and not let anymore weeds grow. To help you do that please read over (and over and over) the stickies above. They are full of a wealth of information. And of course attending some meetings as tromboneliness suggested.
This is an exciting time in your life, let us help if we can. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Welcome looselips!
There are many here that can relate to your experiences. It's great to know we are not alone. Read other peoples stories, take what you like and leave the rest.
You must be very strong. My parents are divorced, and I don't think I could ever move in with either one of them. Moving in with both again? i'd probably be catatonic.
There are many here that can relate to your experiences. It's great to know we are not alone. Read other peoples stories, take what you like and leave the rest.
You must be very strong. My parents are divorced, and I don't think I could ever move in with either one of them. Moving in with both again? i'd probably be catatonic.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Welcome welcome!
I got over myself (that's how I thought of it - I had to recover from myself as much as from my parents, for through me, they could continue their destruction without ever having to say or do a single thing).
Specifically, I had an ongoing conversation with myself anytime I felt like a failure, and I asked myself "Are humans perfect? Is it at all reasonable to assume I could be or should be perfect? What would a 'perfect' person do in this situation? If I knew a 'perfect' person, what would my response to them be? Would I like them?" Yes, it's a pretty long mental gyration to go through. The answers for me are "no, no, there's no way of telling because there is no single 'right' answer therefore even two 'perfect' persons might respond differently, and oh god no, they'd be creepy." The point to the exercise is to challenge the very underpinnings of "perfect". There is no 'perfect' when it comes to humans, because there are no perfect humans. I am human, ergo, I cannot be perfect (oh, I can aim for it as a goal, I can fail at it, but it is not possible for me to be it).
You can take responsibility for your fault by admitting that you're human. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being human.
One of the hardest things I've learned to do through therapy is just sit with discomfort. To say "This sucks harder than a black hole, and I hate it and this is currently my life." And then? Sit. Sit and BE with my discomfort.
For those of us from chaotic or physically violent households, it is very very threatening to just BE with our discomfort while taking no action on it. I have finally learned to sit with my discomfort, but honestly? When I first tried it out? Oh jeez, I too thought I was going to implode! Like I was going to suddenly burst into a cloud of vapor. Like the world was going to be destroyed under my very feet and it would all be my fault for not doing something. That sounds very dramatic, I know, but it is what I felt the first time I tried it and that is approximately the magnitude at which I felt it.
Over time of forcing myself to sit with my discomfort, the actual accepting that something was uncomfortable and that I didn't necessarily have to do anything about it got easier.
Today I am sitting with a phone call my dad made to my mom this morning in which he told her that he no longer has any children or grandchildren and that he wants her to rewrite their will to exclude everyone in the family, and that if she didn't agree and wanted to divorce him, she could let him know. He doesn't get out of prison for another 8.75 years. Many many things could happen between now and then.
Interestingly, now, I can sit with this and say "yup, that was a sucky thing to do to mom. yup, I'm not at all pleased with things." What I'm NOT doing is trying to fix it or make it different or begging him to stop being an a**hat or trying to protect my mom from the fallout. I'm not being the shield that takes the beating nor am I inserting myself any more deeply into the situation - that's never really had a good outcome for me. So instead, I sit with the unhappy, I sit with the frustration that there are people out there who are jerks. I sit. And I BE. And I experience what there is to be experienced: good, bad or ugly.
Welcome again. I hope you find the support you need here and some understanding of yourself and your world. It will come with time (look at my "join date") if you stick with it long enough.
how I do take responsibility for my own faults, without giving in to this old idea that I am just fundamentally bad?
Specifically, I had an ongoing conversation with myself anytime I felt like a failure, and I asked myself "Are humans perfect? Is it at all reasonable to assume I could be or should be perfect? What would a 'perfect' person do in this situation? If I knew a 'perfect' person, what would my response to them be? Would I like them?" Yes, it's a pretty long mental gyration to go through. The answers for me are "no, no, there's no way of telling because there is no single 'right' answer therefore even two 'perfect' persons might respond differently, and oh god no, they'd be creepy." The point to the exercise is to challenge the very underpinnings of "perfect". There is no 'perfect' when it comes to humans, because there are no perfect humans. I am human, ergo, I cannot be perfect (oh, I can aim for it as a goal, I can fail at it, but it is not possible for me to be it).
You can take responsibility for your fault by admitting that you're human. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being human.
I have to actually be willing to see her in pain, if that's necessary. Seriously I am 26 and I feel like I am going to die if that happens. I will literally just disappear into a loud of dust.
For those of us from chaotic or physically violent households, it is very very threatening to just BE with our discomfort while taking no action on it. I have finally learned to sit with my discomfort, but honestly? When I first tried it out? Oh jeez, I too thought I was going to implode! Like I was going to suddenly burst into a cloud of vapor. Like the world was going to be destroyed under my very feet and it would all be my fault for not doing something. That sounds very dramatic, I know, but it is what I felt the first time I tried it and that is approximately the magnitude at which I felt it.
Over time of forcing myself to sit with my discomfort, the actual accepting that something was uncomfortable and that I didn't necessarily have to do anything about it got easier.
Today I am sitting with a phone call my dad made to my mom this morning in which he told her that he no longer has any children or grandchildren and that he wants her to rewrite their will to exclude everyone in the family, and that if she didn't agree and wanted to divorce him, she could let him know. He doesn't get out of prison for another 8.75 years. Many many things could happen between now and then.
Interestingly, now, I can sit with this and say "yup, that was a sucky thing to do to mom. yup, I'm not at all pleased with things." What I'm NOT doing is trying to fix it or make it different or begging him to stop being an a**hat or trying to protect my mom from the fallout. I'm not being the shield that takes the beating nor am I inserting myself any more deeply into the situation - that's never really had a good outcome for me. So instead, I sit with the unhappy, I sit with the frustration that there are people out there who are jerks. I sit. And I BE. And I experience what there is to be experienced: good, bad or ugly.
Welcome again. I hope you find the support you need here and some understanding of yourself and your world. It will come with time (look at my "join date") if you stick with it long enough.
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