VickiACA

I loved this post in another thread but found that I disagreed with the word sympathy here. I think the poster meant compassion.

This is not meant to be a criticism of the OP - the response was incredibly supportive and IMO a great example of ESH.

But I am wondering about the difference between compassion and sympathy.

And I wonder how an understanding of either or both have been helpful in recovery and healing of ACA issues and changed behaviors.

Thanks.
Vicki

Kialua

Maybe pity is a better word.

It's very hard to have compassion or sympathy for someone that hurts you physically, and or emotionally, and ruins their life by their own choosing. Very hard.

I think detaching emotionally is the better path.

EveningRose

I understand what the OP is saying, but I, too, would use the words pity and compassion. I have no sympathy for my parents at all. Maybe that's splitting verbal hairs, but those are the words I'd choose.

Mracoa

I agree with Vicki that perhaps compassion fits the situation better. Although Pity may not be that far off the mark. So, first for sympantics...

Sympathy - When you feel along with someone else (could be joy, sorrow, anger or distress).
Compassion - When you are aware of someone's distress or unhappyness and want to help alleviate it.
Pity - When you feel sorrow over someone elses distress or unhappyness (but have not intention of wanting to alleviate it).

So, in my opinion, sympathy would be the wrong word to choose. If you were feeling sympathy for you abuser, you would want to abuse them back.

Compassion seems to fit the intended description. But I still agree with Kialua in that I would have a hard time generating compassion for someone who was abusing me. If you did, your desire to 'help' them might keep you in the unsafe situation longer. Sad part is, this often backfires. Someone troubled enough to lash out physcially probably won't accept compassion and will only lead to reinforce the abusive behavior.

Pity kind of fits. I could see having pity on an abuser while you make your escape. Although, I think in context of the origional post, this probably wasn't what was intended.

Now, for what has helped me in my healing? Apathy. I don't understand the root cause of my AF pain. I don't need to fix him. So, I had to really 'not care'. It wasn't until I reached that point that I was able to move on with my life.

In my case I let the pendulum swing a little too far, in that I don't express emotion at all. I'm a classic emotion stuffer. It's not that I don't feel them, it's just that I don't express them. In my youth this was an excellent survival tactic. In adult life, this has caused me issues with my marriage, and with my children. I'm working on that now. Therapy, ACA meetings and reading up on these forums have helped a lot.

I'm trying to maintain some relationship with my AF. Which is very, very difficult. However, he has no clue how difficult it is for me. I don't discuss my problems with him. Why? because he would only disappoint me, or turn it back on me by becoming angry with me. So, I take whatever comes up in stride. Always have my escape plan if we are visiting and things go south. And then later I talk with my therapist about it. His issues are not my problem. All I can do is try to control my reactions.

He did show up at my Cousin's house for Thanksgiving. We spoke maybe all of 5 minutes in the 4 hours I was there. He spends most of his time talking with my uncle (his brother) which is fine. The cousin's are closer to my age, so it's more interesting to talk with them. So odd though, some folks eat at the table in the dinning room, others in the kitchen. Smokers on the back deck. Still others on the couch in front of the TV. Not exactly a Walton's Thanksgiving. But, I still enjoy seeing my cousins.

Kialua

Apathy is a good word. I like that, neither love nor hate. I had no intention of alleviating their pain or fixing the parents that abused me. I tried a couple times but there was no way to penetrate the fog they lived in.

Sympathy and Compassion for the alcoholic are beyond the expected realm when dealing with parent/child relationships in my opinion. That just piles on the guilt. Like my actions have an impact on them getting well or not getting well. Too much responsibility even emotionally.

I could see wanting to care about a friend or someone else that hadn't abused me. Maybe. I have a short fuse for alcoholics for obvious reasons...

EveningRose

Now the concept of apathy is interesting. I've never thought of that. But it's true that I neither love nor hate these people. I have compassion for them as I'd have compassion watching anyone ruin their own lives, knowing they're acting from their own misery. But I still feel no need to rescue them.

I suppose in part because I know there's no way I can rescue them, anyway. I'm the trouble maker, in their minds, the one who's 'just being stubborn' (notice the way the word 'just' totally nullifies any possibility of having a good reason for standing my ground?) So anything I said would fall on deaf ears, anyway.

GingerM

By the definitions above (speaking as the OP'er), I do feel sympathy for my dad.

The reason I have sympathy for him is because I've been where he is. I learned from a young age to be like him. I blamed others for my own shortcomings. Hell, I even went down the alcoholic path (sober some 17 or so years now).

The difference is that I didn't want to be like that. I didn't like myself or my own behaviors. I had no idea how to change them. So I sought help. I saw therapists, I joined this forum, I've joined others since then, I started being honest with myself and challenging my own preconcieved (and often subconscious) ideas of how the world "should" be. I even challenged the word "should" (I no longer use it, I use "wish," "want," or "would be in my best interest" instead).

I feel true sympathy for my dad because I remember how miserable I was before I sought help. I can truly relate to where he is emotionally, and it's a very confining place to be. Without the ability to admit that he might be the one in the wrong, there is little he can do that will allow him to find peace or happiness. The world around him will always be a threatening evil place. It was for me. I'm glad it's not that way for me anymore (she says, after 20+ years of therapy).

But I can also see what you're driving at, and perhaps pity is the much better word. You feel sorrow over another's pain, but no desire to try to change it. For me, sympathy is the right word because I have personal experience being inside the headspace that my dad currently occupies. And I'm very grateful to not be there anymore.

Perhaps therein lies the difference.

Gin (who in no way took this as an affront - it's good to have conversations like this)

Mracoa

It is a very interesting discussion. We each have our own unique experiences. And although we share many things in common, it is helpful to understand eachothers unique perspectives.

Thanks for responding, I think i get where you are coming from. I suppose, way back when, I probably had a twinge of sympathy for my AF. It turned to Pity for a while. Not sure I could ever have compassion for him. So, it will be apathy for now.

(PS - Wife of 21 years is an English teacher, we have many lingustic debates in our home).

Chris1000101

In regards to your initial question, I don’t know that sympathy is the best word to use.

I avoid the use of sympathy and pity. Sympathy does no one any good and pity I feel is shame based.

In working with other, and I’m forgetful at times, I try to have empathy and compassion. Apathy is also good but only to the point of being indifferent, never lack of concern or lack of interest.

farfaraway

For me, compassion and sympathy has only complicated my healing. When I have to deal with my family apathy is best for me. The ball is in their court.

Compassion and sympathy for me ends up leading to guilt or judgement of someone else.

VickiACA

Interesting I don't want to go down the symantics rode either - but I did have a slightly different definition of compassion in mind.

Here's another definition of compassion.
"sorrow or pity caused by the suffering or misfortune of another"

When I get to the point of having compassion vs sympathy. I'm usually seeing the person as a whole. Not just seeing them in the situation that is causing suffering. I think I also empathize with the suffering - something that we all experience for very different reasons.

I've enjoyed doing a little search on sympathy vs compassion.
Here's a nice one:
Untitled Document
"Compassion on the part of the giver keeps both heart and mind open in the presence of another’s suffering."

Any discussion of pity makes me nervous - particularly keeing the ACA trait of "9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue.""

When I think of compassion I also think of what I have learned through my study of the yoga sutras 1.33
"A peaceful mind results from a mental attitude of friendship towards those who are content, of compassion towards those who suffer, of joy towards virtuous individuals, of equanimity towards and disengagement from those who act poorly."

I do like some of the discussion about apathy.

But one of the things that I've also realized as I ponder and follow the thread is the difference between judging the action/behaviors and judging the person.

Also when I tend to think of these states as fluid(?.) During the last visit with my mother I had to leave the room when she went on a critical tirade. But I was also able to have some compassion for her. She has all the ACA work issues and I could tell she was being triggered for by her work issues.

It was sad for me because it was a short visit and I'm 1500 miles away and only visit a few times a year.

But it was a huge milestone for me because it enabled me to not take her actions personally. It was all about her - but sad that she was caught up with what was going on her head instead of being present with me.

Been there - done that.

Vicki