The Lonliness of Recovery
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The Lonliness of Recovery
Today I did some great things. I applied for several jobs, I finished painting and re-flooring my upstairs hallway, something I once thought out of my realm of skills. I work again tonight, just the start of yet another seventy hour a week job. I'm blessed with amazing friends, three wonderful, loving, and goofy dogs who brighten every day. One of which who keeps making me giggle through the tears as she lays on the floor.
Yet all the support and goofiness that exists in my life, among all my accomplishments today, through the pushing through my urge to quit before I finish, when I finished I had a half a second of great satisfaction. Then I turned around and those wonderful friends have busy lives they couldn't share, I'm not mad it's a fact, people have lives. Those three fantastic dogs are always hyper and goofy so I didn't really get the celebration out of them.
And there I stood realizing, I've learned to live through the sad moments. Last week my best friend lost her dog, who has lived with me off and on for the past three years. I was alone but okay. But today when I turned around to celebrate and I was alone, that's when it hit me. Sometimes the worst part isn't the lows, its the highs.
I think we create ways of coping with the bad alone. But in those homes we get so few opportunities to celebrate, and learn to cope with being excited alone. Last time I wrote it was about how I freeze instead of succeed. I think the fear of reaching this moment is part of that fear. That moment that I will work for being brought down because I haven't learned how to cope with celebrating alone.
Yet all the support and goofiness that exists in my life, among all my accomplishments today, through the pushing through my urge to quit before I finish, when I finished I had a half a second of great satisfaction. Then I turned around and those wonderful friends have busy lives they couldn't share, I'm not mad it's a fact, people have lives. Those three fantastic dogs are always hyper and goofy so I didn't really get the celebration out of them.
And there I stood realizing, I've learned to live through the sad moments. Last week my best friend lost her dog, who has lived with me off and on for the past three years. I was alone but okay. But today when I turned around to celebrate and I was alone, that's when it hit me. Sometimes the worst part isn't the lows, its the highs.
I think we create ways of coping with the bad alone. But in those homes we get so few opportunities to celebrate, and learn to cope with being excited alone. Last time I wrote it was about how I freeze instead of succeed. I think the fear of reaching this moment is part of that fear. That moment that I will work for being brought down because I haven't learned how to cope with celebrating alone.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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it is a tough lesson to learn Payne. i lived many years wanting and expecting those special to me to want to share all my highs and lows, and like you, discovered that those little special moments that might not mean much to some, mean a lot to us, and that they were too busy to share, or that i did not want to bother sharing for i didnt want the rejection. one day you will be able to look at your successes and celebrate with yourself and know that you are amazing. although always nicer to celebrate with others, giving to yourself first is obviously what you need to learn right now. have you thouht about writing a journal about your accomplishments big and small? so when you do something super cool, then go get your journal, maybe take a photo to add to it later, and write something about how proud you are with yourself at that moment. you only get to write in the book when you are proud of yourself. its like a special gift you give to yourself.
good luck, and give your dogs a hug. they think your awesome and special all the time.
good luck, and give your dogs a hug. they think your awesome and special all the time.
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I actually do have a journal like that for about two months. Where I force myself to find positive things about my day and myself and ask myself to admit what'd bothering me and be honest with why. I also have a list of goals with a list if attached rewards when I achieve my goals, to reward myself. When I finished yesterday I checked it off and bought myself that new book I hadn't been quite able to affor, since my lovely dog ate my bed! But I figured I earned it. I can't imagine a time when this stuff won't get to me, but I remember once I couldnt imagine a time when I would be happy, so day at a time.
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Originally Posted by Payne 
And there I stood realizing, I've learned to live through the sad moments. Last week my best friend lost her dog, who has lived with me off and on for the past three years. I was alone but okay. But today when I turned around to celebrate and I was alone, that's when it hit me. Sometimes the worst part isn't the lows, its the highs.
Several times, when I'd be over at the house working on stuff, I'd stop and call one or another of my parents' old friends, to... in some cases, inform them that my parents were gone, in other cases, to reflect for awhile and hear some of their memories of my parents.
And you know what? Almost none of them had any clue how difficult it was, being their kid. I think it's because most of my parents friends were... well, very much like them! Hard drinkers, but also oblivious to what our home life might have been like, behind the screen. Some of my folks' friends are really interesting people, and I liked talking to them -- but in almost every case, they had no idea why it would be tough to grow up in our household. So I avoided the subject entirely.
Those people out there [pointing to window], who do not have a recovery program, simply do not have the tools to understand how it is, for us. That does make it lonely, because you can't talk to them about a lot of the most important things!
That's (one reason) why I go to a lot of meetings, and have as much social contact as possible with people in recovery, instead of out.
T
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It's getting near the anniversary of my father's mother's death. That always brings out emotions I don't have the rest of the year. She saw my mother for who she was but I was so young she didn't tell me what was going on, but she took every opportunity to encourage me and tell me how fantastic I am. She passed away when I was ten. Today I was thinking of the people in my life who knew, those who stood silent, but acted, those who turned a blind eye, and those who spoke up.
Most of my friends have some if not a lot of experience with alcoholics. The thing with this disease is there is truly no "in" or "out" to it. Everyone has a path, has an experience. And I have learned, and grown, and found support from all of them. Through my time my friends have looked into as much as they can to try and understand. They stay as openminded as they can (I'm sure I'm close-minded on things that bothers them.) I find a great amount of comfort with people of similar background, but truly I find a great amount of growth with those who aren't completely similar. To make an impact let me show, that they may not be full fledged acoas but they have experience.
My best friend was inadvertently put in a home with a violent drunk while her mom worked two jobs for much of her childhood. She escaped most of the acoa tendencies but understand the effect it can take on someone, and how easily it can be hid.
Another friend is solidly an acoa but is fifteen years older than me and very healthy.
Another friends father was an alcoholic and she is currently dealing with the pain much like me.
Yet another had an alcoholic father, she ignored the effects until we talked. That talk made it so she could examine her life and help to make sure she didn't pass those things off to her kids.
Another friends father was already a recovering alcoholic before she was born, she has seen fall out, however his strength after helped her.
I learn lessons from all of these people along with the people who dont understand it. I learn lessons in attempting to explain it to someone who doesn't I'm forced to be clear and concise and it helps me.
It's a difference of opinion and I would never ask someone to live differently than they choose, but personally, I find that separating ourselves from "normies" isn't always the best route if the "normies" are good people. Because good people, good friends invest, and try. They can't always, just like we can't always, but they create healthy boundaries which help me create healthy boundaries. Love and respect are what they are, and if you find people who give that to you even if they aren't perfect, well...I would never want someone to reject me or my friendship because I was an "acoa" So I would never do that to someone because they're a "normy."
Most of my friends have some if not a lot of experience with alcoholics. The thing with this disease is there is truly no "in" or "out" to it. Everyone has a path, has an experience. And I have learned, and grown, and found support from all of them. Through my time my friends have looked into as much as they can to try and understand. They stay as openminded as they can (I'm sure I'm close-minded on things that bothers them.) I find a great amount of comfort with people of similar background, but truly I find a great amount of growth with those who aren't completely similar. To make an impact let me show, that they may not be full fledged acoas but they have experience.
My best friend was inadvertently put in a home with a violent drunk while her mom worked two jobs for much of her childhood. She escaped most of the acoa tendencies but understand the effect it can take on someone, and how easily it can be hid.
Another friend is solidly an acoa but is fifteen years older than me and very healthy.
Another friends father was an alcoholic and she is currently dealing with the pain much like me.
Yet another had an alcoholic father, she ignored the effects until we talked. That talk made it so she could examine her life and help to make sure she didn't pass those things off to her kids.
Another friends father was already a recovering alcoholic before she was born, she has seen fall out, however his strength after helped her.
I learn lessons from all of these people along with the people who dont understand it. I learn lessons in attempting to explain it to someone who doesn't I'm forced to be clear and concise and it helps me.
It's a difference of opinion and I would never ask someone to live differently than they choose, but personally, I find that separating ourselves from "normies" isn't always the best route if the "normies" are good people. Because good people, good friends invest, and try. They can't always, just like we can't always, but they create healthy boundaries which help me create healthy boundaries. Love and respect are what they are, and if you find people who give that to you even if they aren't perfect, well...I would never want someone to reject me or my friendship because I was an "acoa" So I would never do that to someone because they're a "normy."
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This is a wonderful post. I feel like in general I dont know how to cope with al wide range of emotions, but excitement for the most part is one of the hardest. I get anxiety when I get to happy and if I am with someone I dont know how to express, so I get goofy and do a weird dance or something lol. Its hard to process that intense feeling. I feel like because many of us grew up in situations where exciting moments where rare compared to moments of pain and discomfort its really hard (atleast for me) to let me self go. I know I get scared when Im too happy. I just wait for something bad to happen to me. I keep looking over my shoulder and telling myself this isnt right. I shouldnt feel this way. I know its kind of off topic but thank you for bring this up. It made me think 
I also have had moments of excitement and have realized how alone I am. Even with simple stuff like good grades on exams and no one to celebrate with. I used to always think i was alone, untill I realized that I push people away and isolate myself which is a big part of the problem. I want people in my life but not too involved in my life. lol if that makes sense, but that brings up other issues of trust.
I also have had moments of excitement and have realized how alone I am. Even with simple stuff like good grades on exams and no one to celebrate with. I used to always think i was alone, untill I realized that I push people away and isolate myself which is a big part of the problem. I want people in my life but not too involved in my life. lol if that makes sense, but that brings up other issues of trust.
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i feel the same way ST. look up the term "engulfment" and see what you think. i didnt realise how much i kept people at a distance because i expected them to leave me in the end. my bf is the survivor of living in a home with an addicted mum, and he has abandoment issues, but he acts like a complete goofball around my kids. he even started a food fight once with a pavola (a cream and meringue type cake) just for fun. i think hes been trying to have some of the fun and exciting times he missed out feeling when he was a kid, and is living them through mine, which is good for them, for i don't have the ability to let go like that. maybe go and find a friend with young kids (mine are actually teenagers and are still big kids at heart) and let yourself go with them. they dont judge and have the best laughs and games. just an idea.
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I looked up the definition and thats perfect by the feeling of anxiety I get when I get really excited. I feel like a have real problems with friends. I cling to boyfriends for the most part. I've been learning to gradually start liking someone instead of being in love with every guy that shows me some attention. (WHICH IS GREAT ) but with friends. I keep a few but I only have one that really knows me and Ive known her since 4th grade. Im working on letting people in. I feel like i need to accept that people will let me down and i will let others down. Thats life. That doesnt make them bad people or me a bad person. It makes a human. Thats a great suggestion. I really love kids. My little cousin told me that I am not 20 I am actually 5 lol. That has alot to do with my mom being such a big kid and a part of me feeling unjudged and just loved.
) but with friends. I keep a few but I only have one that really knows me and Ive known her since 4th grade. Im working on letting people in. I feel like i need to accept that people will let me down and i will let others down. Thats life. That doesnt make them bad people or me a bad person. It makes a human. Thats a great suggestion. I really love kids. My little cousin told me that I am not 20 I am actually 5 lol. That has alot to do with my mom being such a big kid and a part of me feeling unjudged and just loved.
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i think the hardest part with friends is to not give them the same expectations that i have for myself. if they do something nice i had to make a conscience effort not to just down what they did with, well that was nice, but if they really loved me then they would have done... i have been let down at very important times by my closest of friends and partners. i dont ask for help often, but when i have, majority of the time i have been disappointed and knocked back. this was very hard to take, and made it very hard to let anyone do anything for me, for i have just gotten use to not relying on anyone for then i wont have to be disappointed and rejected. my poor bf is finding this very tough as he just wants to be there for me, and the honest truth is i really dont need him, but i do want him in my life. now how to let him in.
problem is that so many of us have gotten use to being rejected at critical times in our life, and not had anyone to share them with, so it has made it hard to truly enjoy those moments, for they normally have followed with pain of rejection. i guess, for me, i just need to find much better people to share the good times with that i can trust will have my back no matter what and get ride of those who don't. (which i have pretty much done). hard to know though who is the right person until you truly need them. will they drop everything, and are we just testing them when we ask? i know i have played those games before with bfs. not healthy to cry wolf.
problem is that so many of us have gotten use to being rejected at critical times in our life, and not had anyone to share them with, so it has made it hard to truly enjoy those moments, for they normally have followed with pain of rejection. i guess, for me, i just need to find much better people to share the good times with that i can trust will have my back no matter what and get ride of those who don't. (which i have pretty much done). hard to know though who is the right person until you truly need them. will they drop everything, and are we just testing them when we ask? i know i have played those games before with bfs. not healthy to cry wolf.
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Originally Posted by STaylor98
I used to always think i was alone, untill I realized that I push people away and isolate myself which is a big part of the problem. I want people in my life but not too involved in my life.
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Early in a friendship I remember telling a dear friend how everyone.leaves. two years later she stood on my back porch and said "isn't it great to have oneone who won't leave?"... Well the next day she left. Ha! There was a long painful summer for both of us and now she's me biggest acoa supporter. And driving home one day she said "you used to tell me everyone leaves you. I love you and when you decided you left me no choice but to leave, you self prophesize." I still have my misgivings and fear but I have learned that I push people away no matter how much I tell myself I don't want to. Whenever I think of that friend I think of this lee Brice song "hard to love" nearly every line fits our friendship. Although I'm sure shed kick me for ever saying I was hard to love. :P
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