Ms.TimmyV

So I was flipping through the channels and I happened to land on Dr. Phil (don't judge me). This woman's daughter and Dr. Phil are trying their hardest to try and get the mother to show some sort of remorse for things that happened to the daughter in her past, and it ain't workin'.

Watching this reminds me of my own past. Although I was never sexually abused, I did go through a lot with my family. I've been no contact with most of my family, and low contact with a few members. I haven't talked to my mother in four years or so, and prior to that it was low contact for years. I felt like I was ramming my head into a wall, trying to get her to acknowledge what happened in my past, so I just gave up. She also (along with the rest of my family) kept trying to smush me into this mold that I no longer fit. I figured that I have a life to live and kids to raise. I re-directed the waste of energy in something worthwhile, which is my education. I never realized what a emotional drain it was trying to A) fix situations that couldn't be fixed, B) wondering why it wasn't working.

I've been adopted into my husband's family, which is cool, but even if I didn't have them, I'd rather be alone than to deal with the crazy!

So for those of you who have no contact, what caused you to make your decision? How do you feel about it? For those who are low contact, what is the communication like?

Punisher

My parents have passed away, and I see my brothers and sister at major holidays - I would prefer to not see them at all. I have nothing in common with them, other than the fact we had the same parents. I was the youngest child; by the time I came along, they were all in high school.

I don't mind, as I prefer solitude in general.

RevivingOphelia

I saw that same show today. That mother was so effed up and a liar.

I am in low contact with my mother and have been for months. She stresses me out, I feel judged, unsupported and just general angst around her. I don't know if it is going change. My therapist said to let it stay this awhile while I am trying to work out other life crap.

dollydo

My mother is an alcoholic, I believe that she will end up holding the world record for non stop drinking. 66 years, drunk, I gave her a year of soberity, being in the hospital for child birth and other surgery, I am very generous, she is 87 and still hammering them down.

I am no contact, this is the third time, once 4 years, another 10 and now for 1 year...the happiest times of my adult life...not being in contact with her is a blessing.

NWGRITS

I'm NC with my AM. That decision came after she was home alone with my kids and had a BAC of .3 (at the hospital, an hour or so after being picked up by the police). Almost four months and I've never been happier. I'm detached from the rest of her side of the family. It helps that they're in Virginia and I'm in Washington. My ex-husband had to uproot himself and move in with his mother in Florida in order to ensure the kids don't have to be anywhere near my crazy relatives on summer break.

Kialua

I saw the show too. This was my Mother, except she was never jailed. My alcoholic father beat most of daily while she encouraged it and looked the other way, telling him "not where it shows". I had many years of trying to get her to 'fess up and repent but to no avail. She was totally lost in denial. She didn't see anything, she had a stroke, she doesn't remember that, on and on. At one time I told her she would be jailed if it happened today. Her reluctance to protect and prevent violence is participation and guilt.

I had minimal contact with her, but more emotional detachement was what helped me.

See my SR Acoa blog here for the full version:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-reality.html

JustSmurfy

I'm transitioning to low contact. Sending a letter spelling out that I will be communicating only via letters until my Dad decides to be sober. I decided occasional letter and cards are better than zero contact, distant but keeping a small channel open.

The reason is simple, being around him makes me anxious, fearful, and stirs up all those old feelings of powerlessness.

A hard decision, but the right one.

JS

farfaraway

I am no contact with my sister (drug addict). I am now very low contact with my parents (codependent + alcoholic).

I used to call my mother every week. I live six time zones away from them so it wasn't a big deal. But now my sister has had a baby, and I am frustrated with how they have decided to deal with the situation. My sister was offered the opportunity to live in a residence where she'd receive counseling, job training, day care and DRUG TESTING.

She decided that would cramp her style, and now my parents are renting her a room in a house, in the same town where her drug problems were at their worst. She knows every dirtbag within a ten mile radius. And no one in the family thinks anything's wrong with this scenario.

Every time I think about the baby I start to have panic attacks. My mother accused me of being fixated on the past. I accused her of caring more about being a grandmother than she does about her grandchild. We haven't talked since.

I don't know. I'm an adult now, and they weren't there when I really needed them. I just talk to them because I feel like society requires it. But I'm nearly done with all of them.

Ms.TimmyV

I struggled with this for a long, long time, and this is what caused me to hang on for as long as I did. I hated the questions people would ask, 'So where is your family from, what do they do?' Or, 'How does your mother feel about being a grandma? I bet she loves it.' I would go back to my mother and push the issue some more, but eventually, I learned that society doesn't have to put up with her. When people push (people who I don't know and can't catch a hint) I will tell them I don't want to talk about it, but that rarely, rarely happens. I did have a hard time with it when I was younger.

NWGRITS, I've been there before. I remember coming home a to pot full of boiled eggs that exploded all over the place because my mother fell asleep with them on the stove, and my 18 month old daughter was sleeping in front of my mother's closed bedroom door. I didn't say anything, otherwise it would have turned into a fist fight, but that was the last time she ever watch my daughter, and she never watched my son. It was about a year later I stopped speaking to her.

It was the oddest thing when we stopped speaking. There was no ceremony, no drama. She told me she would call me back and didn't. I never bothered to call her back either. I spoke to her one time after, she asked if I was mad at her, I said no. She said she was going to stop by, she never did, I never bothered to call to inquire. That was almost four years ago. We went long periods of time without speaking before, but this was is different. Before I was angry, mad as all hell. This time I'm not; I've simply learned it's time to move on and let go. There is a HUGE difference between the two.

DoubleBarrel

I don't know the definition per se, but I am pretty low contact with my AM.
She just cannot be spoken to in any reasonable way, so I just don't engage her.

I see her rarely, like some holidays, and my kids no longer are around her unsupervised.
Its a shame, but it is what it is. She is not willing to change, and Im not trying to run her life. If she wants things to be different, she can do what needs to be done, shes an elderly woman at this point.
Do I think she will change? Nope.

DavidG

My mum and dad are gone now... I shunned my mum because of what I thought was injustice in the family. I wrote her a letter about what had happened for me. We came back together and got on well... went horse back riding and i helped her out on her farmlet. So that was a good way to end, since she died 18 months ago.

Not so good with brothers and sisters... I was in the city recently. I found out on facebook that my brother had his 60th birthday. But I wasn't invited.

My favourite cousin was invited- but that wasn't her fault of course- and we are still friends...

progress, not perfection...

DavidG

Kialua

Yeah facebook is always there to remind us that the others are getting together having a good time -without us. Or so they think.

EveningRose

I have no contact. If I run into my mother (she's the codie, not the A) at a store or at church, she'll walk right by me. To be fair, I walk right by her, too. I'm mildly curious about this, since I never told her I was through. I just quit calling and she never called me again, either.

What happened is this:

After my father threw me on a bed and tried to choke me in my early 20s, I moved as far away from my family as I could and stayed away for many years. I thought they'd gotten better. Silly me.

On the other hand, I also moved back because visiting was such a nightmare that I had decided no more, so the only way my children would have grandparents, uncles, and aunts would be if I moved back. I figured if we weren't cooped up in a house with them, it would be fine, that that was the real reason for the stress. (HEAD SMACK!! What was I THINKING????)

I moved back, with these results:

Sibling 1: Two rages, two years in a row, at family get-togethers. I said, no, I can't go back until we talk about it and find some resolution. I'm not sweeping it under the rug a second year in a row. I was the bad guy for saying so. I quit going.


My mother: she was negative and complaining whenever I talked to her. Oh, wait, I never actually got to talk to her. She does all the talking. I got to sit there and say, "Uh-huh, yeah, really? Oh? Uh-huh."

I noticed what a great relationship another sibling had with her and decided I would try harder. My attitude about her was rather negative. I worked on changing that. I brought her a birthday gift and stayed to visit. She spent the whole time complaining and bad-mouthing people. I tried repeatedly to change the conversation to more positive things.

But I bow to the master. She is far greater and can turn ANY topic to a complaint.

I got up to leave, and as I did, mentioned a person she had met only once in her life, someone who lived 2500 miles away who had been very callous and cruel to me. My mother's response was, "Well, you were rather rude to her."

Now, I've never understood her thinking this because, first and foremost, I was not rude to this woman, but also because, as I pointed out then and there, "Why do you think that? You lived 2500 miles away. You weren't even there."

For one shining moment, it was as if a veil lifted and she saw the reason of what I said, saw that she really had NO IDEA why she would think that. I saw the confusion shift across her face. Then she shook her head, shook herself right back into her personal reality, and shrugged it off. It was clear that, in her mind, a virtual stranger still took precedence as a Good Person over me.

It was the last straw in a lifetime of this sort of stuff. I said good-bye and drove home. I haven't called her since. She hasn't called me.

My father: he continued to come around for awhile. One day, I was rather unhappy with some of the negativity going around the family, things that another sibling had said and done. He told me not to be like that. One thing led to another until the truth came out: that to all their minds, I am to blame for all these problems, among a whole long litany of my faults and how none of them can stand being around me, and he doesn't like the new me (that would be the new me who says no thank you to being raged at during family get-togethers.)

Something snapped in me after a lifetime of being told, in various ways, over and over and over, that he 'doesn't like me.' I thought, screw it, if he doesn't like me, why in the world have I been trying so hard to like the rest of my family. I realized, I don't actually like them that much. I wouldn't choose to be around them, and if it's okay for them to tell ME that, it's certainly okay for ME to FEEL it.

Hm. So after being told what a trial it is to be around me, they're now mad at me for leaving them to have a peaceful time without me???? I just never can get it right!

Rest of the siblings: told me off, pulled garbage like taking my daughter to babysit and simply never bringing her back, to the point I had to hunt her down; then these siblings getting mad at ME for saying, hey, let me know where my daughter IS, next time! They pretty much sided with The Family and have quit speaking to me since I just can't be made to see reason.


It's maybe 5 years since I've had much interaction with the rage-a-holic sister. Sadly, I don't miss her at all. I realized what a one-sided relationship it's always been. Although we're only 12 months apart in age, I looked back on how she'd always made it clear she was the big sister and I was the stupid little twerp who wasn't good enough for her and her friends. I moved back in my 40s, and she was still doing it. Seriously? I moved back and she never once made any attempt to introduce me to her friends, or to invite me to spend time with her and her friends, not even people I'd known way back when. I was great company for her when I went to her town, but when she came to mine to visit, she dumped her three daughters on my doorstep without so much as telling me she'd be doing so, and went off to spend the weekend with friends.

It's sad, but I found, in cutting ties, that we'd never had a relationship of equals, anyway. There was absolutely nothing to miss or mourn.

Probably 4 years since I've spoken to my mother (almost to the day). It's a relief to have her out of my life. It's a lot of negativity gone. I've worked on unlearning all the critical, negative thoughts she put in my head. I've come to see myself through the eyes of people who respect and love me, rather than through her critical, negative words to and about me.

I used to worry at church that all the little old ladies who have known her for 35 years there were scowling at me, the awful daughter who was so awful to this devoted Good Christian Woman. Bit by bit, these older women have reached out to me, shown me kindness, admired my children, my parenting, befriended me, and I've discovered that my mother is without a doubt shooting herself in the foot with the negative things (untrue things) she's saying about me to people at church.

So I guess I'd say it's been healing, separating myself from her.

My father: maybe 3-1/2 years since I've talked to him, apart from maybe two conversations where I foolishly tried to have a reasonable, rational conversation about what the problems are (he asked; I was only foolish enough to try to answer) and ended up being accused of making it all up, imagining everything. Unless he makes some attempt to reconcile, he will die with his last words to me, on a voice mail (the last of a dozen) being to call me a trouble maker and an a$$hole.

I don't miss him, either. Again, sad to realize. We had some good times. But one of the telling moments was the first time I had to pay someone to do my plumbing because I could no longer call him. Someone came and did my plumbing without swearing or yelling at me or my kids. It felt GREAT! I began to realize how much crap and garbage I had put up with from him because he played puppeteer with his money and household help. I had thought I didn't dare speak up for myself because I thought I couldn't make it on my own. I found out I can.

I'm not saying it's been easy. It's wrenching to realize what a piece of garbage I really am in my family's eyes; to realize that the mildest, "No, I'm not going to be screamed at and publicly humiliated" will not be tolerated from me; that I'm regarded as the family screw-up who can be lectured, disrespected, and called names by any of them; to realize that I will always be the bad one and the one who's wrong.

It's difficult to realize not a single one of them cared enough to listen to me and not one of them respected me enough to consider maybe I had a right to object to some of this treatment.

BUT...I have spent these years with people who respect and love me. I have learned that most of the world sees a good and worthy person, even an admirable person. I have begun to see my family far more objectively.

Separating myself from them has allowed me to become a better person AND A BETTER MOTHER. To give a couple of examples: I have begun to trust my judgment with my children and my right to make and stick to decisions. With my parents' voices in my head, always telling me I was wrong and I'd screwed up again, I didn't trust myself. If my kids argued with me, I was much more likely, back then, to believe that indeed I'd messed up again.

More importantly: I'm better equipped to deal with my children's health issues. I have a couple of kids with some special needs--things like ADHD that appear to be behavior, that my parents were always telling me were just my lousy parenting. Now that their voices are getting fainter in my head, I'm able to hear the voices of everyone else saying, "These are not bad kids, you didn't do anything wrong, these are kids who need help."

I'm better able, now, to get my kids the help they need, because I'm no longer being badgered that it's all my fault and I just need to yell at them louder and spank them harder.

I'm better able to LOVE my children since I've pulled away from my family. I feel better able to say, these are my children to love and care for and do my best for; they are NOT here to be perfect and brilliant in all ways and make me look good; rather, I am here for them to do my best to help them on their road in life.

I find it very sad to look back over the past 5 years and realize how very toxic my family is and see that I'm better off in every possible way without them. But there it is.

NWGRITS

There was no ceremony in our final contact, either. But there was plenty of drama, mostly with me in a crying heap on my kitchen floor as my sister was telling me she'd called CPS to come take the kids. The whole scenario was somehow MY FAULT (from 3,000 miles away!). I begged her to at least give their father a chance to come home from work and get them before getting CPS involved. My grandmother is supposed to always be with AM if the kids are around, but apparently everyone thought that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Look how that turned out. Anywho, I didn't speak to my mother at all that day. I did tell my family members to F-off, since they thought that my kids belonged with the state more than their own father (who is a good person and a great father, just not a fabulous husband FOR ME). I just detached from them naturally, and haven't talked to anyone much since, other than need-to-know stuff.

frances2011

Thank you to the OP and for the shares. ********{Appreciating the Group and the Circle We Create}}}}}

I could quote a line from each message above and say THIS.

I will say, for those reading, that the "end" with my older sibling was actually quiet. It was like letting go of a rope. I just dropped my end. There was a "lightbulb" moment that I referenced in the other "What people really think of me" thread.

I never understood why I didn't have a connected relationship with my older sibling's 2 kids. When I realized that they didn't have respect for me, because their parent trashed me, it. All. Made. Sense.

EveningRose

Facebook!

My siblings never interact with me there but had a cow when I deleted one of them (for making veiled references to me and getting everybody's sympathy, right there where clearly I might see it) and again when I set my privacy settings so they couldn't see what was on my page. Accused me of 'wanting to see everything they do' but hiding my own stuff.

Hardly. I also put them on the list to make sure I don't have to see what's on their pages.

Now they have full view of my page and in part, I don't care since I have nothing to hide, but in part it ticks me off that I feel very much bullied into it in order to avoid yet more fight and drama.

freeatlast1313

Hi Rose,
I did a temporary disable on FB because it was causing me to focus on too many things I shouldn't be, petty stuff and not recovery. I am glad I did (jmho)

Kialua

LOL facebook!

EveningRose

Pretty much the only time I think about it is times like now. I use facebook primarily for keeping in touch with old friends and networking with others in my line of work, so I'd be shooting myself in the foot to disable it at this point.

NWGRITS

I locked down my FB page tighter than Fort Knox. No family in, no family out. My ex-in-laws are all friends, though. They're a whole lot less crazy than my own relatives. And they've all experienced AM at her finest. They've been a tremendous help at getting my ex-husband moved so that the kids have a safe place to go when they visit him. The goal is to let them choose where they want to live (they're his kids, too. I don't feel superior in any way to him as a parent), and this ensures they are in a healthy environment with both of us.

I did get a bit of crap for blocking my relatives and other associated people, but they can't pm me on there to tell me how they really feel anymore.