Anyone no/low contact?

Old 10-26-2012, 11:42 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I have no contact with my mother.
My mother left my sister (1yr old) and i (2 mos old) by a swimming pool at a motel with my 6 yr old cousin untill my dad got off of work because she moved to fla. with her crack dealer. She has made attempts now that i am an adult to get ahold of me. I ignore her. As a child i felt like she left me because my sister and i weren't good enough for her. She emailed me the other day begging me to respond. My response simply consisted of "I spent my whole life looking for, writing and leaving you v-mails. You ignored me. I never felt like i was good enough to be a part of your life. Ho sw does the shoe feel on the other foot?" She emailed me back and cussed me out. To me i feel like i shouldn't have to contact her because of any reason. If she wanted to be there she should have done it well before i turned 20. I am now 22. Have no desire to see or speak to her! My step mother did a great job raising me. Now weather i learned from it or not is a diffrent story. But i feel like even tho Jenny birthed me I have had the same woman in my life since i was 3 years old that i have called mommy and she has earned that right. I will probably never talk to my bio mom in my life
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Old 10-27-2012, 05:14 AM
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I grew up in a home with an AM and a SAF, so our childhood was pretty weird.

My AM is deceased and my SAF is still alive,remarried. I have low-contact because I learned that:
A) SAF, thinks that he did nothing wrong and it's all my problem. The rare times it came up, things have been twisted and I've been told it's my problem.
B) If I spend too much time I start to have feelings of powerlessness again.

I've learn"t I can't try and force people to acknowledge what they did, that it's not my job to do that,it's only my job to heal and grow.
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Old 10-27-2012, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
Facebook!

My siblings never interact with me there but had a cow when I deleted one of them (for making veiled references to me and getting everybody's sympathy, right there where clearly I might see it) and again when I set my privacy settings so they couldn't see what was on my page. Accused me of 'wanting to see everything they do' but hiding my own stuff.

Hardly. I also put them on the list to make sure I don't have to see what's on their pages.

Now they have full view of my page and in part, I don't care since I have nothing to hide, but in part it ticks me off that I feel very much bullied into it in order to avoid yet more fight and drama.
Reminder: Facebook is not Life. What happens out here in "meatspace" is, at the end of the day, more important!

T
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Old 10-27-2012, 08:07 PM
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I am low contact with my addict mother. I talk to her every few weeks and occasionally she'll send me a text. I am no contact with my alcoholic father. I plan on never being in contact with him again. I can take my mom in small doses. She is a mess, so I can't be around her in person. She can be really cruel, but she's not always that way. My dad is just downright mean. He's in his 60's, and I'm sure he'll never stop drinking.
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Old 10-28-2012, 12:03 AM
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N.c. W dad and feel pain for it

I went no contact w him 6 months ago and feels like 10 yrs. Have *lots of guilt, remorse, anxiety about it. I have to really call on my supports when i am self doubting. It s easy to forget why

was a slow decline. We always had a strained relationship although i know deep down he does love me and care. I lived w him briefly as a teen but ran away (i felt crazy there).*In my late 20s, again no contact for his putdowns.

In my 30 s i started to see the drinking...contact declined. *stopped talking to him in the eve due to slurring and his stories repeating. Then fewer phone calls. Noticed on twice a yr visits drinking in the a.m. Visits reduced to just once and i dreaded each. He was ok by email except for a couple times a year i could expect abuse followed by manipulation to get me back.

I got into al anon/coda recovery last year . Started realizing how much i dreaded his visit and told him i was working on me and did nt want to have him stay w me (and apologized if that hurt him but needed to take care of me). He sent me scathing email.*I set him t auto-deleted and only responded a couple times several months later.*
Then my bday came, he called. I didnt call back. Next day he sent me email titled "NOT" about how he was going to send me a gift but decided not to since i didnt return his call.*
In all yrs not one apology about his abuse
I replied that he could shove his abuse up his a## but to never contact me again or i'd change my email. He tried to write immedly "send me my key" (what are we x's? This is a parent?...talk about control and manipulation)
I changed my email.
And i doubt and blame myself daily...that's my sick part
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Old 10-28-2012, 05:33 AM
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I realized within the last year that there will never be any apology for ANYTHING because people don't apologize when they think they've done nothing wrong. That realization was very liberating for me.

Originally Posted by Justaworkinprog View Post
I went no contact w him 6 months ago and feels like 10 yrs. Have *lots of guilt, remorse, anxiety about it. I have to really call on my supports when i am self doubting. It s easy to forget why

was a slow decline. We always had a strained relationship although i know deep down he does love me and care. I lived w him briefly as a teen but ran away (i felt crazy there).*In my late 20s, again no contact for his putdowns.

In my 30 s i started to see the drinking...contact declined. *stopped talking to him in the eve due to slurring and his stories repeating. Then fewer phone calls. Noticed on twice a yr visits drinking in the a.m. Visits reduced to just once and i dreaded each. He was ok by email except for a couple times a year i could expect abuse followed by manipulation to get me back.

I got into al anon/coda recovery last year . Started realizing how much i dreaded his visit and told him i was working on me and did nt want to have him stay w me (and apologized if that hurt him but needed to take care of me). He sent me scathing email.*I set him t auto-deleted and only responded a couple times several months later.*
Then my bday came, he called. I didnt call back. Next day he sent me email titled "NOT" about how he was going to send me a gift but decided not to since i didnt return his call.*
In all yrs not one apology about his abuse
I replied that he could shove his abuse up his a## but to never contact me again or i'd change my email. He tried to write immedly "send me my key" (what are we x's? This is a parent?...talk about control and manipulation)
I changed my email.
And i doubt and blame myself daily...that's my sick part
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Old 10-28-2012, 07:17 AM
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EveningRose, your sister sounds a lot like one of my sisters. We are not quite 2 years apart and have never been close. She is the oldest, and I think because of that has a sense of entitlement.

I used to try real hard to make conversation with her on the phone, but I'm not going to any more. We still have minimal contact. I used to tell her about stuff going on in my life, but I'm not any more, because she doesn't tell me anything. I'm just going to be like, how are you? I'm fine, hope you are fine too, or something similar.
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Old 10-28-2012, 07:35 AM
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This is so strange!
Reading all these comments is weird.
Same thing here.
A couple of years back, I had the pleasure of my father claiming that he was happy that he had not hurt any of his family. Sounded like he believed it too.
It was a good thing that I could hear, as I have a deaf ear from the not hurting any of his family!
Oh, and as for the siblings?
Good God, don't even get me started. Kudzu just triggered me with the sister soaking up all the juicy eff-ups and then I don't know anything about her. Nada.
Just this week, I haven't called to my parents house since Wednesday. No phone call, no contact from them. I could be drinking. I could be sick.
It's my job to contact them though, right?
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Old 10-28-2012, 06:53 PM
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With the exception of the people of this thread, and plenty others I'm sure, but a LOT of people have a really tough time letting go of toxic, one-sided relationships. Even myself, it took me a long, long time for me to get it, that I was the only one trying, I was the only one trying to seek out a "normal relationship", and the people of the receiving end couldn't give two poops less. Consider yourself fortunate because there are some out there that are going through agony everyday at the hand of people who hurt them, but they don't know how to let go. It's truly a gift to know when to stop.

ETA: I was just reading through the comments and there is a common theme: the belief we did something wrong to deserve all the bull we had to go through. I carried two children, and that's when I realized I did nothing to deserve any of that. I could never treat my children the way I was treated, and that really helped. I believe in myself more and more every day, and if I was still in contact with my family that would never have happened. I don't know about you, but my family has a unique ability to strip any shred of self-esteem or confidence that I could muster. I'm glad it's getting better. It might sound weird, but I feel like I'm finally growing up at the age of 35.
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Old 10-28-2012, 07:25 PM
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There's a reason we're called adult children of alcoholics. Our personal growth is stunted in an alcoholic home. I'm 29, having my third baby (any day now, kiddo. We're beyond ready!) and I've just recently started growing up. The world is so different through recovering eyes. There's so much promise and potential now.
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Old 10-28-2012, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Hollyanne View Post
A couple of years back, I had the pleasure of my father claiming that he was happy that he had not hurt any of his family. Sounded like he believed it too.
It was a good thing that I could hear, as I have a deaf ear from the not hurting any of his family!
This really resonates with me. My father's version of this was, "None of it ever happened. You're imagining it all."
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Old 10-28-2012, 07:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Ms.TimmyV View Post
I carried two children, and that's when I realized I did nothing to deserve any of that. I could never treat my children the way I was treated, and that really helped. I believe in myself more and more every day, and if I was still in contact with my family that would never have happened. I don't know about you, but my family has a unique ability to strip any shred of self-esteem or confidence that I could muster. I'm glad it's getting better. It might sound weird, but I feel like I'm finally growing up at the age of 35.
This, too, is so true of my experience. It was as my children got older and I saw the stark contrast: What my parents were willing to do and say to me vs. how I treated my kids and what I would never dream of doing and saying to them.

Parenting my own children finally allowed me to see how abnormal my family was.

I, too, have felt like I'm finally the confident adult I always thought I would magically become at 18 or 20, only now in my late 30s/40s, after having walked away from my family.
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Old 10-28-2012, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Ms.TimmyV View Post
it took me a long, long time for me to get it, that I was the only one trying, I was the only one trying to seek out a "normal relationship", and the people of the receiving end couldn't give two poops less.
This is so true. As I read it I was impressed that maybe I have been wrong all these years thinking it was my non-drinking that was the wedge between me and my siblings. But that was just the convient smokescreen. The truth is none of my siblings get along with each other because we all see the abuse we lived through differently. Too bad for me and too bad for them. Sad but true.
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