Synfull Vyxun

Doctor and vets appointments sorted, wot a pair me n my cat are, least she cuddles me when she is sick.
So that's two things to stop worrying about, have rang dole office yesterday and last week and they are finally paying me, so now I can afford to take my sick cat to the vets thank god, she is not sick sick, but she has sores on her neck, I feel so bad for her.
My A mother wouldn't even lend me 20 pound to take her to the vets!!!
She neglects her own animals because of her drinking habit, I will never do that to my animals. They are worth more than anything to me.
I was always brought up to love and cherish any and all animals, by my parents, now my mother neglects her animals so much,
I so wish for my step dad to take our puppy back to his house, as she is always alone when mother is downstairs drinking in the pub. Our older dog had to get put down a couple of weeks ago, as he was so sick and his stomach kept filling with liquid, he could hardly breathe, could not sit or lie down because of his stomach being so big, mother carried on drinking, I would sit with him when I could but I am sick as well at the minute, from the stress of it all. Our little puppy is taking it really bad and misses him so much. I do try to bring her up to my little flat but my animals and mums don't always get on together. I feel so bad and they aren't mine, How can she not see what she is doing to us all???

NWGRITS

She's an addict, plain and simple. You're trying to look at alcoholism with a rational mind, and the disease is anything but rational. Her only concern is her next drink. We can't hope to understand it unless we experience addiction ourselves. I'm sorry you have to witness her animals being treated so poorly, but don't expect her to take care of anyone or anything else when she can barely take care of herself.

Synfull Vyxun

I know I am trying to be rational, that's how she brought me up, I am getting my head round it all slowly. When I joined this site a couple of weeks ago, I was a mess, shaking, crying, heart beating like it was going to explode. This site has helped me open my eyes and sometimes people are blunt and to the point and that is just what I needed.

Everyone in my life I can talk to, like my dad, just says keep ya head down, keep out of her way, do what she wants, and keep her happy. He doesn't see what she is like everyday. So I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me on here. I have bought books off ebay on how to help myself and sort my own head and problems out, I have asked for help in getting out of this house as I know it will be best for both of us. I need to look after myself now.
After her falling down the stairs last week, only just having her stitches out yesterday, she went straight back to the drinking last night, so I give up with her, now, there is nothing more I can do for her.
I used to smoke weed, but I managed to give up, I know I used to drink to much when we first moved into this pub, but I managed to cut down and control it, with no difficulty at all, I just wish she could see this and if I can do it so can she.
One day she will open her eyes, Till then SHE IS ON HER OWN!! thankyou. ;-)

SadHeart

Can you see how you are feeding into this madness?

If you wait for your mother to 'wake up' before you start taking responsibility for your life, your life is likely to be wasted, empty, and over before you know it.

I don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, or if you will even believe me if I say it to you now, but: your life is about YOU, not about her.

Focus on yourself and let her muddle along the best she can. You really need to put distance between you and her, emotional and physical and look at enmeshment and codependency. If you want anything to be different between you and her, you are going to have to be the one to make the changes, not just wait for her to do it.

As you say in your other thread, she will never change.

SadHeart

I think this is terrible advice. Why should you have to do what she wants and keep her happy? That's her job, not yours. Were you born to be her slave and in charge of her emotional well being?

You work on your happiness and do what you want and what's best for your INDEPENDENT life.

I do agree though with keeping out of her way.

VickiACA

Have you considered Alanon? Living with an active alcoholic is difficult. Alanon can help.

Vicki

Jur123

I completely agree with SadHeart. If you keep waiting for your mother to change your behaviour this might never happen and you'll see years go by and wile you are stuck in the same place. This happened to me - I spend loads of years taking care of my mom waiting for her to "wake up", however it never happened. You have to take care of yourself first.

NWGRITS

Ask members of my family this question and you'll probably hear a resounding "yes." There's a reason I jumped off a moving merry-go-round. Any bruises I suffered from the fall were nothing compared to what I've been carrying around for nearly 30 years!

Kialua

You've come a long way since your first post I'm so glad for you1


Take care of yourself first, you can't help anyone if you are a mess.

As for those giving you the bad advice of staying out of her way etc., ha!

Synfull Vyxun

thank you everyone, I have bought codependency,how to detach,and general ACoA books. Just waiting for them to arrive in the post. I am looking to sort myself out as I know she will never change, she spent yesterday drinking again, then this morning asking if I have been to the doctors yet, I walked away, its too early in the morning to be talking to her.
I know I have to do it for myself, I am awaiting an appointment with a counselor still, and I really do want to talk to someone who knows about this sort of stuff. My dad rang last night and said as it is mothers birthday soon, I have to make a fuss of her, and go to the party. I really don't want to, they will all be drinking as we live in a pub, they all try to force me to drink, I have got good at saying no, or losing them ''accidentally'' as they will buy me drinks even if I say no. They all just want to see me and my mother drunk, she gave in to them all a long time ago, I will not! I have learnt to knit while I have been sick and bed ridden, so I will buy her a card, give her the scarf I made her and then hopefully my 2nd mother will be lending me money to go back to my home country for Christmas as she has just been diagnosed with cancer, again. I want to be there for her. She has always cared and respected me, so I'm now doing this for my own new life, in the country I love, with no more guilt trips and alcoholics.
I am only worried now about cutting contact with her, she will never let me just not talk to her, she will annoy my dad if I don't answer or just change my phone number, I want to stay in contact with my dad when I get home but need to find out how best to cut contact, and how to leave, eg; what to say to her about why I'm going, If I say 'I'm leaving because you are an alcoholic, I never want to talk to you again,' it will start an argument and wont help, I feel I should say, 'I love you, I will be waiting for you to wake up to yourself' but I know now that will not help either, If I say nothing, will she know why I left and will she ever change? I think I worry too much and should concentrate on other things first, but these questions keep popping into my head. Hopefully these books will help me answer these silly little questions going around in my head.
I am going for lunch with my friend tomorrow, I haven't seen her for ages, and she really wants to help me, she has just help set up a charity for local depressed adults, as there have been many suicides in this town, due to depression, and alcoholism in this town is very big! So I know that if I want to change I must get out of this town at least. She is very supportive and doesn't tell me to keep mother happy, she tells it hows it is, that's definitely what I need, my eyes are slowly being opened to the whole situation, slowly.............

Kialua

It really doesn't matter WHAT you say:

she will hear what she wants to hear
she will remember what she wants to remember
she will believe what she wants to believe
she will tell people what she wants to tell people
she will do what she wants to do

Do you see the pattern? It doesn't matter what you say or don't say. Think of yourself first and foremost. I would not get drunk with them no matter what. Hang in there.

Synfull Vyxun

thank you Kailua, yes I see your point, its all about me now, my life, my happiness. thanks

Synfull Vyxun

p.s. one of my books came yesterday, have started reading it already, and I'm off to the doctors this morning, to find out what is going on with the counselor.

tromboneliness

Two things -- I'll take the second one first:

2. If you say nothing, that will have exactly the same effect on her as if you had said, "I'm leaving because you are an alcoholic, I never want to talk to you again." That is, none. It does not matter what you say -- it has no effect on an alcoholic. She'll do what she's going to do. However, the flip side of that is that because you have no control over her, you are also not responsible for what happens to her. So you can stop obsessing about it. You don't have control -- you just have the illusion of control. Basically, I'd say as little as possible on the way out the door, just to minimize the drama... but that's your call.

1. As for the phone number, I highly recommend getting a Google Voice number. It's free, and you can do all sorts of things with it -- including not answer! I have one, and I basically just use it as a voice mail box -- it's the number I use on my resume, so that when recruiters call, I don't have to waste too much time talking to them; I just listen to the messages, then decide who I want to call back. The other thing that's great about it is that you can get one with any area code you want -- so it gives the person no clue as to your physical location. I'm in the USA, and my Google Voice number is in an area code from the state next door -- the idea is to make it look like I'm closer to the city than I really am, so employers will be more likely to call.

Good luck!

T

Synfull Vyxun

Trombonliness, thank you, my books have finally come so I am reading up on this stuff now, thank you, you do speak the truth, and I don't want to leave on bad terms as I never know what could happen. This google voice number sounds like a great idea, I will look into that. Thanks