yadayada

i am stuck in the 10th circle of hell.

i need to rant about it in hopes that it will make me feel better. to begin, i grew up in an abusive, alcoholic home. that is not to say that childhood was completely devoid of happiness, but anyone who has lived through that knows that a lot of the pain stems from having to hide the problems and cover up for your parents all the time--essentially, taking the fall for their bad behavior/disease/abuse etc. my parents split when i graduated from high school because my dad went to jail after hitting my mom in the face.

anyway, i got out for college and moved across the country. i avoided home as much as possible, spending a year abroad and working on the opposite coast. i came home one summer, but spent most of it working and didnt have to deal with my parents too much.

after college i was lucky enough to start a job right away and worked up until 2009, when i decided to go to law school. i applied, got in, and was fairly successful there, but did not manage to land a job by graduation. i sat two bar exams (an incredibly stressful and expensive experience), and dont get results for 2-3 more weeks. anyway, i had to move back in with my mom when i was unable to find work or a place to live.

so i'm back here now, trying to find a job. it hasn't been going well. meanwhile, i'm watching my mom crumble and totally fall apart. lots of stuff has been happening. she gets totally bombed at night and then complains that she's "sick" and "maybe dying of cancer" or some other BS the next morning. i mean, it's amazing how alcoholics think they are so discrete. she reeks of booze and her symptoms are classic hangover/DTs. she has the shaky hands, fainting, headaches, vomiting, etc. she had a seizure the other day and i freaked out and called 911. the medics came, she went to the ER, and all they told her was to drink water. im kind of pissed at the doctor... no info from him indicating that this could be caused by drinking. ugh. i mean, i feel like she is steps away from death and still persists in this lie about her drinking. the day after she was released from the ER i headed off for a weekend away with my boyfriend (who, sadly, is on the opposite coast). later, when i returned, the house was a mess and it was obvious that she hadnt left bed the entire time i was gone--except to buy booze. i found a receipt for a large bottle of vodka dated the day i left. fan-freaking-tastic.

on top of my concern about her health, i'm ANGRY. i'm angry because she says horrible things to me all the time about what a failure i am, how i'm costing her so much money, and how i don't care about her or take care of her. i have siblings and i have informed them of what's going on, but they are unwilling/unable to help.

i am totally depressed about my life right now. i feel like i was a really accomplished, active, and relatively happy person, and now i'm plunged into this awful situation with no escape hatch. i don't drive, so it's really hard to get out. i'm trying to get my license, but mommy dearest won't let me use her car to practice "under any circumstances." so... there's that (side note... i don't drive because she wouldn't let me learn in high school and then i lived places where it was unnecessary/ridiculous to own a car. i accept some personal responsibility here, but not much. so bitter.).

my (now) long-distance boyfriend (i love him!!) has offered to move in with me, but i think it's a terrible idea right now (not because of our relationship so much as because i think it's a bad reason to advance a relationship for many reasons, including that i would not be able to carry my weight financially. as an aside, that would not bother him in the slightest, but it would make me feel awkward and uncomfortable and probably aggravate this depression).

i dont know if anyone has advice (beyond go to al-anon, which i have done on occasion), but i really just felt like writing all of this down to make myself feel better. feelings, i has them. thank you!!

ETA: i have posted on this forum about dating an alcoholic. happily, i ended that a long time ago, and am dating a healthy, happy fellow now.

NWGRITS

Sounds like my AM. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do for her. It seems your siblings have already figured that out and have detached, which is exactly what I'd do (I'm actually No Contact with my AM). The best you can do is figure out how to save yourself while the merry-go-round spins. It's good that you recognize that this isn't a good time to start cohabitating with your boyfriend, even though your situation sucks. I wish I had better advice to offer than "Save yourself with Al-Anon or a therdpist."

Synfull Vyxun

I am going through the same thing with my A mother, I keep getting silly bits of advice, like move out quickly, run away, blah blah, well I'm sick and have no job and nowhere else to go at the minute, But I do think it would be better for me to be out of here, my mother is so nasty to me, and manipulative, she fell down the stairs in her drunken stupor 3 days ago, fractured her skull and is now expecting me to nurse her and give her sympathy, I can hardly look at her.
Guilt trips are what my mother knows best, as she is dizzy today I must do things for her, she seems to forget or still not believe that I am sick and dizzy to, but my illness is a result of trying to hep her and stressing to much, I have a balance disorder now.
My poor father who has not been with my mother for nearly 13 years (she remarried and now stepfather has left her as she lied/manipulated/cheated on him for a long time in her drunkenness), gets phone calls at silly o clock in the mornings when she is drunk to bitch about me, (a 27 year old!!) she leaves him nasty malicious voice mails about me, about things she makes up in her head, which he then wakes up to early morning, listens to and then has to work with it all on his mind, then he rings me and I get in trouble for nothing and can't even defend myself, because he doesn't live here, he doesn't see what she is like, he has been talking to friends lately to find out if it's me or her that is lying, but I still keep getting told I need to stop doing god knows what, and I need to sort my head out, which I know already, it is my head. Even though its all in her head and I have done nothing wrong.
I am on the list to see a counselor or someone to talk to and sort my own head out, but until then I am writing everything in here and venting away, I'm very sorry to anyone who gets fed up of seeing me rambling all over this site, but this is truly helping me.
My advice is keep venting, and you are not alone, I'm always on here, if ya ever need a chat.

yadayada

Thanks for both responses. My situation is uncannily similar. Yesterday I broke down and phoned my estranged father because I was desperate for a ride out of here so that I could get out of the house. I told him a tiny bit of what has been going on. In response, he emailed my brother that he needs to step up and call social services (which is actually ridiculous, but totally in keeping with my dad's personality). Anyway, my brother sent me a furious email full of F-bombs letting me know that my mom is not a drunk and has just been ill for other reasons.

Yeah, sure. You live here and know exactly what's going on. I'm trying not to be hurt by it and trying to understand that my brother is having an emotional reaction that I am long past.

He also admonished me not to discuss my mother with my (former heroin addict) uncle. I had to write him that if anyone would understand, it would be another close family member in recovery.

He just doesn't get it and he hates me guts now.

Thanks for reading and keeping in touch.

Synfull Vyxun

I am not allowed to talk to anyone about it, as my mother just abuses me when I do, but then she tells me I need to see a shrink or someone and I need to talk to them and let it all out. I am an only child , and I am finding out, the people that could help me are all in denial of the situation, I am so alone even though a lot of people can see what is happening, they have no say in the matter.
My mother hates my guts and tells everybody it is I who hates her, and I'm trying to make her life hell, she offered to pay for me to go away to Australia, which is very tempting.
I do not know how to help you but talking does help, and if your Uncle understands and wont go back to the people and tell them, then who is to know??
I am finding we must help ourselves as the addicts help themselves, and we have spent our time helping them, it's time to look after ourselves now. When they hit their rock bottom they will see. I thought my mother had hit hers at least once in the last few weeks, with me, her only daughter getting so sick from worrying about her alcoholic mother, or our dog being neglected and having to be put down, or just a couple of days ago, she fell down the stairs and fractured her skull, but still she does not see what she is doing to herself and others.

NWGRITS

I just love how family tries to make you think you're crazy, when they're the ones in denial. It sounds like detaching would be good for you, IF you can manage it. I have an autoimmune disorder which made it impossible for me to get out of my AM's house for the longest time. I ended up moving myself and my kids into a homeless shelter for a while out of desperation to get out of her home. I didn't tell my now-husband about it because he would have just worried too much about us (he was in Sicily off-and-on with the Navy for a year, and I was still trying to convince myself that I didn't deserve him-- that's a whole different ACoA issue right there!). Going NC with my AM was the easiest thing I ever did. I'm NC with all of her side of the family except my grandmother, and I'm still only on a need-to-know basis detachment with her.

It's hard and it sucks, but we have to do what's best for us. We're here for you at SR. I've found this to be the place I can turn to any time I'm feeling "squirrely," like I'm losing my mind. Or when I get angry when I hear something through the grapevine about AM. This is the only place where there are other people who truly get it.

tromboneliness

E-mail is a really bad medium for this type of communication! It's way too easy to write something quickly, say something better left unsaid, then the recipient sends you a bunch of F-bombs back.

Having said that, though, you're right -- the uncle-in-recovery would be a much more understanding person to talk to than other relatives, who often have this Cone of Denial over everything and will tell you the drunk is not a drunk, etc. That's what my extended family is like.

Hang in there -- and talk to your uncle, just remember: everyone doesn't have to know about it!

T