Synfull Vyxun

So yesterday my A mother spent the night in hospital after falling down the stairs, and fracturing her skull, she is so lucky, our cellar stair are pure concrete and metal, proper old school English building.
So the people I have talked to about this, my dad, and people on here, say I shouldn't feel bad for going to check on her but leaving her when I heard noises so I new she was alive, and just figured she dropped something down the stairs, and that maybe, hopefully this will be her 'rock bottom' and she will hopefully realize what she has been doing to herself.
I woke up this morning with my own realization that I am such a codie, as I washed her pillow and pillowcase that was covered in blood, so she wouldn't have to. I see that I should have left it, but my mother has always been queasy around blood so I do normally clean any blood up, she does poo and vomit.
So I may have done it anyway, but I think I should have at least left the blood covered pillow on her bed till she got home just so she can see how bad it is and help to open her eyes.
I don't know, I have signed up to see a counselor and I just have to wait until they send me the appointment letter, but I could really do with talking to someone right now.
I'm thinking of calling the RSPCA on my mother to, she neglects her animals and I hate it, I have my own animals and do try to be there for my mothers but our animals don't get along at all, so they have to be separate. I found a small gash on my mothers cats leg, so I locked her in for the night so it doesn't get any worse, mother should be home from the hospital soon, so the cat wont hate me too much, it's for her own good, I often wonder if I do worry and stress too much about others, I am sick but I still try to do everything for everyone else, and I really need to concentrate on getting better.
Well, I suppose I did good this morning, as mothers best friend and barmaid who took mother to the hospital yesterday was meant to be opening the pub and working a shift this morning, well, said 'friend' was late and text me, now normally I would have got dressed and gone to open pub and stress myself out and worry, but today I have said 'to hell with it all' it is not my fault.

OK so she just rang and the doctor says she can come home if I agree to look after her, I cant even look at her half the time these days, let alone want to look after her, if she can't even look after herself when she doesn't have a fractured skull, and she has not once asked me how I am, or if I need anything as I am very sick too. and specially after she rang my dad the other nite saying I'm the biggest pothead in town!!! I don't even smoke anymore, and haven't for a couple of years now, I am so proud of myself for this, but she smokes with my dad when he comes to visit!! and I thought we had been getting on better lately as I have not been talking to her. its just so frustrating, I can guarantee she hasn't learnt her lesson, she is sad and feeling so sorry for herself now, and she will come out with some lame excuse, because it cant be the fact that she was super drunk, as to why she fell down the cellar stairs which has a lock on the door and signs!!!
I don't know, everyone says I need to get outta here but I have nowhere I can go at the minute. It does feel good to just write all this and get it out though. It's a start.

Rosiepetal

Well done you for making that start.
You are right to think your mother's drinking is not your responsibility. It isn't. i don't think the doctors should put the responsibility on you. Your mothers behaviour has affected you but luckily you see you are not at fault. Don't know what to suggest as I'm a newbie but suggest going for all the help & support you can. This place is a good start. Hang in there.

Synfull Vyxun

yes my doctors agree with my mother, as my mother rang the surgery, I don't know when, but I saw it on the computer one day when I was with the nurse, and mother told them she was worried about my depression and thinks I may be going mental!!!!! I have said nothing to anyone about her doing this and me knowing to anyone other than my dad and now on here. I want to smack my mother for doing these things to me. I am not allowed to talk to anyone about the things she does or says. She text me this morning asking if my anti depressants are working yet??? I only started them a week ago, and didn't answer her, I know I have issues but still feel I am not the one who needs anti depressants. So looks like even though she could have died the other night if she fell differently, she is still in denial, and nothing is going to change until I get better. I really need to get out of here.

tromboneliness

That is what they do. They lie, they blame, they manipulate, they deny, and basically they do whatever they have to, to make it look as though everything is someone else's fault. Alcoholics are masters at putting on the charm and convincing doctor after doctor that no, they don't drink much at all, it's never been a problem, everyone drinks a little but they're totally normal, don't listen to my kid, she's crazy, etc., etc.

When my Dad was in his last months, I took him to see his cardiologist, and he did the usual, "No, I don't drink much -- if I did, I wouldn't be 90 years old, would I?" routine. They seem to have this reserve that they can call on when they need to convince someone that they have no problem.

So that part of it is out of your hands -- mother is going to point the finger at you, because you're clearly a mental case, and how could there be any problem on her part -- the fall down the stairs and fractured skull were ALL YOUR FAULT and had nothing to do with the gallons of whiskey she pounded down earlier in the day.

There's no controlling what other people say about you. I don't really know what, if anything, my Dad said about me -- probably not much, because for all his faults, he was extremely loyal.

In any case, we know you're not crazy -- because we've been in the same boat... and we're not crazy, so how could you be crazy?

T

Rosiepetal

Well done for thinking you need to get out of this situation. The drinking problem is not yours and to learn their are others out there who understand and support you is priceless. Hang in there.

Kialua

How long are you going to live like this?

Synfull Vyxun

you are very lucky to have a loyal father, my mother is the complete opposite, she is loyal to her manipulative also alcoholic best friend, who is trying to take over our pub, but my mother can not see what everyone else see's, I get told I am just being jealous.
I thought I was just being caring as the friend starts my mother drinking, then they do things together that my mother would never have done before, when she had morals and respected herself.
I know I'm not crazy but I feel so alone, I can talk to my father about it all, over the phone, but then he rings her and she denies it and makes me out to be the bad one, and as he lives so far away he doesn't see what she is like on a daily basis. There are no sites like this in the UK, and although it does feel good to talk to others like me, in other countries, the drinking/ pub culture is very different to the English way of life.
Hence why I want to go back to Australia, I don't want to spend the rest of my life drunk one day, hungover the next, then drunk again, hungover, etc etc, I don't want that for my life or if I ever have children, I am 27 now and feel I need to start thinking about this. I do not want to bring my kids up around my mother though, that will kill her as she has been pushing me for grandchildren for years now, and can not respect the fact I want to at least try and have a good set up before I have them, I want them to have a father and mother who love each other and can help each other though anything, I want them to grow up in a country that has pride and things to do with your life other thank drink alcohol. I want more than what I had, I haven't had the worst life in the world, but I know what it means to have nothing, to work hard and respect what little you earn.
I have sent my aunty a letter in Australia, telling her the situation, and begging for a loan.Fingers, toes and everything else crossed, my aunty knows what my mother is like with her drinking and remembers when she used to be a happy fun drunk, when she was a loving, caring mother and a wife and had morals.
Sorry for rambling, and thankyou.

Synfull Vyxun

Its a long story, but trust me I don't want to live like this at all. I am very sick due to stress, can not work and have no money or anywhere else to go, so for the minute I am stuck here. I am thinking everyday, how can I get out of here, where can I go, what can I do??
This is not a choice I made, I am just having to deal with it for the time being.
I am waiting to see a counselor or someone to talk to, and hopefully they can help a little.

Kialua

When I left home, kicked out at 18, I had a career lined up starting in 3 months. I had a part time job at minimum wage. I stayed in a friends basement while the parents were out of town for 3 weeks. Found a new job, without any experience, found a roommate from the newspaper classified ads and moved into a new apartment. I gave up that career and found another job, nothing special just being a mail girl in a large company. But it paid enough for my rent and food. The roommates came and went within a year I had 3 different sets. But I didn't care. I was out and was happy.

My opinion, get out of there as fast as you can. Your stress from her is not ever going to decrease as long as you are there and no amount of any drugs will help that. You need to learn how to detach emotionally and get on with your life. My prayers are with you.

How far are the nearest Alanon meetings? It might be worth a weekly trip to a bigger city to get some camaraderie. Here is a link to a podcast:
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/podcasts

In the meantime is there any churches that offer counseling and just a safe place? Most churches now have dealt with alcoholic and family turmoil.
Here are a couple I would suggest:
Trinity Life Church Leicester | Pastoral Care
Home - Harvest City Church Leicester
http://www.covenantlifechurch.co.uk/

Synfull Vyxun

I haven't lived with her all my life, I left at 16 because I had enough of her, and she just manages to guilt trip me into going back when I'm in a vulnerable position, I am learning to not let her take advantage of me in sad times, but sometimes ya just want ya mum.
I have only been back a couple of months this time, but we are running a pub together and have been for 3 years, and I have quit and left and she always begs me to come back. I know I have to toughen up, but she is really sick with her Fybromyalgia, and her husband leaving her and I know none of this is my fault or anything, she has always been there for me when I did need someone as a child, but then sorta gave up on me, so everyone tells me now I must pay her back and help her.
I do completely agree with you I do need to move out and detach myself. I am sick and cannot work until better, which means no money to move out. I cant go to meetings because everybody knows everybody around here, and rumors fly, specially when we run a pub. I do appreciate the help, I am very new to all this and am starting this slow process. I am patient as long as there is happiness at the end of all of this.

Mracoa

Very ACOA statement right there. But the truth is, the happy times are whenever you make them. If you keep postponing, they may never come.

I know it's hard to break the dynamic. But you can do it. Don't worry about everyone 'talking' because you are going to a meeting. I read in another thread that your mother offered to fly you back to Austrailia on her dime. You should take her up on it.

Don't postpone your happiness out of guilt or obligation that you owe your mother something. She gave birth to you. She choose to have sex, got pregnant and delivered you into this world. It became her responsibility to raise and provide for you. Which, if I had to guess, she probably only did enough to get by. You are not thriving, you are surviving. She does not deserve your loyalty for that.

Sorry to be blunt, but I want to get your attention.

Kialua

1. It doesn't matter if everyone knows.
2. Everyone has to know.
3. Everyone probably already knows.

The truth is the truth. You need to speak the truth to set you free. You can't live under her idea of the truth. It's not true. What ever happens happens. Please don't live under the "no talk" rule. That is invented by the alcoholic for the alcoholic, not for you. You are under no obligation to be stressed by your alcoholic and take care of them. It's time to take care of you. Get some counseling at a church if you have to. keeping this so called secret (that everyone knows about) is killing you.

Please take care of yourself first and then let her figure out what to do. Right now you are in no position to help her. Your illness comes from living with her from what you've said.

Synfull Vyxun

MrThekla and Kialua - Thank you, I do appreciate your honesty and bluntness and I am going to see what I can do to get out of here. I am quite stubborn, just like my mother, unfortunately. But thank you