DefofLov

:throb

hello everyone...i thought it would be a good idea to have a thread where Adult Children who are new to this site can introduce his or her self. i will begin:

hello everyone,

I am Def and I am an adult child. Recently I have accepted the fact that my mother is an alcoholic and decided I no longer want to be a part of her damaging cycle. She has been very neglectful to me and I have had to do everything on my own. Over my spring break she was completely out of control. She got so drunk and somehow managed to drive home, when she got home I had to take her out of the car, take her upstairs, put her pajamas one, then she had to hear her song, and cried hysterically when I would not dance with her, went to work the next day, came back drunk, had some more to drink...it was awful and it was the turning point in my life.

Since spring break I decided not only that my mother is an alcoholic and that she has to change for herself, but I also decided that living with her is no longer an option. I have found someplace else to stay this summer. As an adult child I realized that I was vulnerable and easily trapped into unhealthy relationships and friendships. I decided never to allow another person to run all over me. I ended a friendship w/ someone who was supposed to be a close friend. She was beginning to disrespect me and she was extremely moody and I decided I no longer wanted to swing from mood to mood with her. Now I am free of her burdensome behavior and my mother's alcoholic behavior. I know to be more careful now. I am moving on with my life and finding support everywhere.

I am on my way to happiness and I am not turning back!!!

~Def

NoDoubt

I Am NoDoubt and my parents and husband are alcoholics.
Fortunately they are all doing what they can not to drink. I am gratefull for that.
Def - you sound very strong. Do what you need to do.
You found a great site for help. There are many people here that have wonderful words of wisdom. Keep posting and try and listen to what people have to say. Try responding to others as well.
You are not alone. Keep going in the right direction!!!
NoDoubt

Magichappens

Hey Def,
Welcome back. We're all together again. Big hug! Magic

DefofLov

:throb YAY!! as alwayz, thanx for your replies...*big hugz to everyone*

~Def

JT

Hi guys! Nice idea!

I am JT and I was raised in an alcoholic home. It took 40 years for that to drive me to the point where I had no choice but to seek help. You see I thought I was the "normal" one!

I have been in recovery in various stages of intensity since then and I am about to turn 52. My son is in prison (5 DUI's), my hubby is an alcoholic and so was my ex.

I have done really well more recently with detaching from the alcoholics in my life. But it was recently brought to the top on my awareness that I need to still do some work in that area regarding co-workers, codies and anyone else that causes me anxiety.

My way of dealing was damaged and that is not limited to how I deal with addicts.

Like it or not, if you hang around long enough something new to work on pops up.

Hugs to all,
JT

mooselips

Hi all,
I'm Moose, and I'm an ACOA, and probably why I'm also such a good codependent.

cyclebreaker

Hi. I'm not sure how to quantify my experience but my previously non-alcoholic but physically and emotionally abusive father has taken to drinking heavily in the past few years. While I personally never went through addiction, I helped my sister through hers, which I believe to be a result of our abuse as children.

A little about me: I'm always seen as the strong, reliable family member and dealing with addiction in the family has kind of pissed me off. I'd never trade my sister's recovery for ANYTHING. She's healthier than ever and has become a very strong, functional woman, but it was very hard fought. I was a young and barely supported myself through college while helping my sister kick meth and our absentee parents refused to help or acknowledge any responsibility for her welfare. We're talking highly educated people with decent jobs who just turned their backs on us. In the end, the way we had to deal with her addiction on our own made our bond as sisters stronger, but I'll never forgive our parents for abandoning us in a time of need.

Anyhow, just when I was feeling relief over her recovery it seems my dad's drinking has really picked up speed. I joke that he was always a naturally abusive jerk, he didn't need alcohol but now that he is drinking out of control it's adding a whole new level of difficulties. Bit of background, I landed on my feet as an adult quite well. Drug free, no abusive relationships, happily married for a few years now, generally happy with life, I do have some limited contact with both parents but abuse and addiction experiences have left their mark on me, I have been professionally diagnosed with PTSD and the relationship I have with my father is at best strained and becoming ever increasingly difficult with his drinking and guilt.

I did try therapy for a bit and did get a little bit out of it but the therapist kept remarking how surprised she was that I was a fully functional, healthy adult. While I'm glad I bucked statistics, it did little to address the nitty-gritty of trying to deal with an alcoholic father/former abuser while deprogramming outdated PTSD modes of operating within myself.

Obviously, I'm looking to get something out of this site. Mainly, I just hope to share experiences or problems with people who can truly understand my situation. I truly don't feel that most people can't understand issues related to abuse or addiction unless they've lived through it. What would help me the most is pracitical advice on how to deal with, or sharing experiences of life with an alcoholic parent as an adult rather than emotional support.

I have been the primary caretaker for an addicted family member and had to do it when I was dead broke in college, so I can offer hope and perhaps some advice for those seeking help for a family member or friend with limited resources. I definitely lean towards the 'tough love' school of thought and am a bit harsh, but since it's usually paired with patience and practicality I don't think I'm too rough. ;-)

DefofLov

Welcome Cyclebreaker,

Here is a big hug for you...(((((Cyclebreaker))))

Now, I must tell you that this is definitely the place to ask questions, ask for advice, ask for support, and hear about situation that you can relate to. Here you have people who deal with and have dealt with so much. Like you,I am strong and reliable. I attend Colgate University, and will be entering my Junior year this fall as the Head Resident of one of the dormitories. My GPA is above a 3.0. However, this semester, I have been in distress. I have been so hurt. Memories of the hurt, neglect, and pain have been flooding my mind. I can't focus. My mother is an alcoholic and everyone supported her habit. I was left out in the rain.

Bottomline, I and everyone else here will try the best we can to make you welcome and give you the support you need. I just got a cybermommie recently... and there is a whole bunch of cybershoulderz to cry on.

Welcome and God Bless,

~Def

Lonelygirl

Hi

I'm 25 years old. My dad is an alcoholic, who I am very glad to say has been sober for over 4 years. I myself have not had any problems with addictions or anything like that and actually thought I was fine about the whole thing until I started finding some problems in my own life and relationships only to find in theropy that they all seemed to link back to growing up with an alcoholic. It has only been over the last year that I have started to come to grips with how much it has shaped who I am and the things I do and think.

I signed up last summer, but things have changed here since then, great job who ever does the forum, it is looking great!

Gabe

Hi Cyclebreaker and Lonelygirl,
Glad you both joined us.
Peace,
Gabe

Helping Myself

Hi everybody. Most of you know me from my posts on the Al-Anon board. I never even knew there was such a thing as ACOA until I found this site.

I grew up in an alcoholic family. It was always made clear to my sister and me that my father was an alcoholic, but I never realized my mother is too until I was nearly grown. My mom was the functional alcoholic while my dad was the one who would go on drinking binges, not working, and sleeping in his car in the park behind the bar because it was too far to drive home. There were times he wouldn't come home for days. I distinctly remember one time when I was 16 and wanted to go out for a while and my mom was crying because she missed my dad and begged me not to go because she was so lonely. Of course I couldn't leave after that. And then there was the time my dad came home from the bar before my mom, and my sister was in their bedroom watching tv. My dad went off and had a knife and threatened to kill himself in front of my sister. She got out of the room and we ran down the block to a neighbors house and tried to call our mom at the bar, but she was already on her way home. When she came up the street we stopped her and told her what happened and she told us we better get home. She did not seem to care about what had just happened. It was really confusing.

I realized my mom was an alcoholic when her and my dad split up and she started dating the owner of the bar where my dad always hung out. We lived about half an hour from that bar and she was there all the time and we would call her and beg her to come home. We were out of food and had no money. I needed her to look over my financial aid papers for college. But she wouldn't come home. And she was not a nice drunk. When she did come home drunk, with her drunk boyfriend, it was not pleasant. I don't remember her ever being physically abusive to us...I guess that was my dad's department...but she was not nice either. We were at my aunt's house one night and my mom was drunk and told my sister and me that she never wanted girls and she didn't want to be a mother anymore. Then one day she came home and told us she was having a nervous breakdown. I was a senior in high school and my sister was a sophomore. She said she could not live with us anymore and she was moving in with her boyfriend. She said she would pay the bills, but I had to take care of my sister. Then she went even further and had my dad move in with us, which I will never understand because my dad was extremely physically abusive to my sister. I don't remember what made her come back, but she finally did. She was not drinking as much, but her drunk boyfriend would always come stumbling in at night and she couldn't understand why I would go to my room and stay there when he got there.

Today I have an A boyfriend. My father passed away about 5 1/2 years ago from a heart attack. He had been sober for quite some time before that and I had started to make amends with him. My bf knew my dad and he drank with my dad in the bar a lot, so I guess I felt "comfortable" with him because it was what I was used to.

I just read the power posts on this forum and the 13 traits of an ACOA and it made me cry to realize that a lot of them described me. I don't blame my parents for who I am today, but I would like to move forward with my life. I sometimes feel like I am in a rut and I need some guidance to get me out. I know that I am codependent and I am working very hard on that. I have turned my life over to my HP, but I still feel like I need a flesh and blood person who does not drink to help me move forward.

Thanks for reading the book of my life. I'm glad I found this forum.

DefofLov

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Knowing I am an adult child has uncovered a lot of mysteries about myself. Just this week, I learned about ways I adapted to my family. I want to break away from the negative results of that. Becoming familiar with being an adult child and what it means for you will be valuable in your recovery.

Good luck to you and God Bless,

~Def :throb

HMAN

I am new here to ACA. I have directed to take a look at my ACA issues. Which I think is the link for me to stay clean and sober. I have a had 81/2 years and relapsed. Been struggling ever since. I never thought of me as a ACA. (I am) I grew up in alcoholic enviorment and it ws very verbally and physically abusive. Mom was bartender and cocktail waitress and a Alcoholic....... I basically grew up in the bars. My mom had me there all the time when I was young from about 3yrs old cause my father passed and had no baby sitter until I was about 10yrs. I had a younger brother who I took care of when she was doing her thing. I have seen it all in my family Fights, Guns, Booze, Substance, and dysfunction - junction, Today 2 of 3 of my brothers are passed, my step father has passed and I have no connection with my other brother. My mom is still living and thru the grace of GOD she has 90 days Clean and Sober. My hope is that I can begin to learn how to not continue to act out as if I was still that little boy. I hope to get better relationship skills with others but most of all I hope I can begin to love my self again...... Looking forward to this journey.....

Gabe

Hey there HMan,
I'm glad you joined us. Those patterns and things that are ingrained in us from our pasts are hard to break out of. But we can, and we will.
Stick around.
Peace,
Gabe
P.S. Now you have me singing twisted "Schoolhouse Rock".
Dysfunction-junction, what's your function?

peacekeeper

I wanted to say hello & that it seems like there's a lot of info & support here.

My handle is what my role was in my family growing up. I grew up w/2 alcoholic parents. I was part of an ACOA support group when I was in my senior year of college. My father started recovery shortly before I graduated, my mother when I was in my mid to late 20s. My brother went into recovery between my dad & my mom, but has since relapsed. He's back in recovery but he got into legal trouble in the meantime. My father apologized as part of his steps and we were able to develop a better relationship before his death in my early 20s. My mom has gone about as far as saying "as a child of alcholics, I know how difficult it can be growing up in an alcholic family," but in her language, that's an apology She's had a tendency to treat me and my brother very differently (snipin, snapping, screaming & yelling at me more often as a way of dealing w/her anger). Tensions have been growing between us since my brother's arrest, and it's gotten to the point where we're not really speaking. I'll post more about that later. I think we're both at fault and we need to work it out. However, she is "too emotional" to talk.

This is bringing up a lot of old issues. I've had a tendency to not say things to try and keep the peace, but as anyone who's tried to do that knows, eventually you implode or explode. I'm not trying to change other people and I know my mom & brother have both had difficulty are under extreme pressure. I'm not suggesting we let it "all hang out" 60s style, but rather that we look at the problem & try to come up w/a constructive solution, but she doesn't seem to want to work it out. I know that neither of us has really had a model for resolving conflict, so I try to be understanding. I did go as far as making an appointment w/a family counselor about a decade ago when she was in town, but she cancelled it when her flight home was cancelled. I'm always the one who's wrong or troubled in her view.

I'm going to look into local ACOA groups.

DefofLov

Welcome,

Here is a lot of support and understanding. Look at the numerous posts and realize that you are not alone. I am sorry that things are going bad with your mom right now and about your father's death and trouble that your brother is in. I hope things work out, I know it must be really hard on you. Good luck with it all and know that here you are cared for and supported.

You are not alone.

~Def

Gabe

Hi Peacekeeper,
I'm glad you joined us. My role in family politics has been the peacekeeper for too many years. Oh wait, it's still going on.
Anyway, I have come far enough to realize that keeping the peace never really gave me a chance to deal with how I felt about things.
So now I've downgraded to moderator, and sometimes active participant. And that little voice inside of me that used to always say "shut up" is now saying "speak your mind".
As Dylan would say, "The times, they are a'changin"
Peace,
Gabe

peacekeeper

Thanks Defoflov & Gabe. I think a big part of the problem is neither my mom nor I (or anyone in our families of origin) grew up w/any models for how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. I'm trying to make up for lost time by learning how to. I have certain friends/extended family members I trust & turn to for advice. I try to read up on how to deal w/conflict.

I remember a quote from Drew Barrymore about growing up w/alcoholic parents. She said it's like showing up to a classroom and the teacher's missing. You learn what you need to, it just takes longer. I'm frustrated that my mother doesn't want to learn, but I need how to deal w/her not wanting to learn as opposed to trying to make her learn, if that makes any sense.

And Gabe, your comments about peacekeepers are right on point.

The group I was planning to go to no longer meets, but there's another one not far from work which meets at lunchtime.

goldneon7

Hello everyone,

I am an ACA and an alcoholic myself with 107 days of sobriety & counting. I am really excited about this forum because in reading through these threads it is here in the ACA forum that I feel-hands down- most comfortable.

My mom was a very abusive and active addict/alcoholic until she drank herself to death when I was 12. My dad didn't have any alcohol or drug addictions, but although he went for a short time to al-anon after my mom's death, was and is a total codie/emotionally vacant parent despite maintaining a fair relationship with myself and my younger brother who is also a recovered alcoholic of 1 & a half years.

I have a daughter who is 7 years old and is an amazing little person, and the best thing that ever happened in my life. Despite my issues, and the fact that I have half-custody of her every other week, I have managed to raise her so far feeling loved, wanted and close to me.(She was student of the month in her 1st grade class last month!!)

I am currently working really hard on my sobriety, and am realizing that my ACA problems are really huge and at the forefront of everything in my life. They are so huge that they dwarf even my own alcoholism--which is no little issue. I am really IN THE PAIN right now, which is I guess where I need to be to get past this. I am having lots of trouble functioning lately because I have none of my old behaviors to fall back on. Especially this past week, I've been instinctually trying to run from everything, but realizing that I can't. I've been isolating alot and really depressed.

I'm really thankful that I can post here and read all your posts because it lets me know there are other people out there like me, who know what I'm going through. I often feel like a total outsider. I always am guessing at and trying to imitate what is "normal" because I have never had any idea what that is. On the outside, to alot of people, I'm sure I seem really together and healthy, attractive, smart, funny, normal. Inside it is another story completely. I am trying to get used to my life sober and relate to the idea that I can succeed at things and that the hell inside my head--all the abuse, pain, shame and exhaustion doesn't have to continue hammering away at my dreams, my happiness, who I am. I am really looking forward to the day I don't feel so fragile and lame inside. It will be nice to really know that my past is really just my past.

I really look forward to getting to know you all. Your sharing helps me incredibly!!!!

Nicole

DefofLov

Welcome Nicole,

I look forward to getting to know you to. :bunny1: I am glad you shared you story with us, it helps us too. Knowing that you are not alone is helpful for recovery. I hope everything workz out well for you. Congratulations on your recovery and path to healthy living.

hugz

~Def