Sick of Playing the Game

Old 10-10-2012, 02:10 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Sick of Playing the Game

My mother is the alcoholic. She doesn't drink everyday, but likes to go on benders that seem to last longer and longer lately. She is verbally and physically abusive to my father during these. Only verbally abusive to me when I was still in the house. When she is not drinking, she is a lovely woman. But as she gets further into her disease I just don't know how to treat her anymore. I feel like I am rewarding her for bad behavior when I am kind to her when she is sober. I know punishing an alcoholic does nothing, but for my own sake I don't know how much longer I can pretend everything is great when she is sober, particularly because it's only a matter of time before shes wasted and going nuts again.

My father has stayed with her this whole time because of this crazy cycle. Forgetting the bad as much as possible when things are good. Now she's been doing worse and worse and refusing help. He's talking about moving out and I truly hope he does before she has the time to trick us all again.

Sorry for the rambling post, seems it's the only kind I can make on here, much like the way this all pours out to kind souls when they offer to listen.
Roguey is offline  
Old 10-10-2012, 03:45 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I do understand, my mother is an alcoholic, been drinking for over 65 years, daily, no recovery attempts, no nothing. She is never nice, worse when she is drunk, but as the
disease has progressed her nasty attitude has spilled over even when she is sober.

It is so difficult trying to deal with a person like her. I am currently no contact for the third
time in my adult life, I love the peace.

Vent away, we are here for you.
dollydo is offline  
Old 10-10-2012, 04:18 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Thank you, thank you.

The thing that complicates (heh, as if it's not so complicated in the first place) is that my father is still with her. Hopefully he finally has the strength to leave her. I know he feels so guilty for all our family has become and has become desensitized to the insanity and tries to praise her when she is "good."

Insanity is my father taking the fuse out of her car so she can't use it. Only has one DUI somehow and loves to drive drunk. Goes great with her stubborn attitude. I so want my father to move out, but I am so worried that without my father's watchful eye she will drive drunk and kill herself or worse someone else. I would hate for her take away someone else's loved one and no doubt destroy my father's life financially and otherwise. I've just about lost hope with her, but am so fearful for the damages she can still do to others.

I'm lucky that her alcoholism didn't rear its head too much til I was 15 so I made it out of childhood. But from then til my age of 27, she has won in consuming my thoughts.
Roguey is offline  
Old 10-10-2012, 04:40 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, honestly I doubt that your father will ever leave, he is so codependent and emeshed in her problem that he will probably stay till the end...no matter what. As the years go by, the more difficult it becomes to let go and the older one gets the more fearful they become
when it comes to change.

All you can do is to work on you, try to detach as much as possible. The book Codependent No More was very helpful to me. It really opened my eyes and set me on the path of recovery from enabling and codependency.

Take care of you...you cannot change them, it is their life to live and you have yours to live, each of you on your own terms.
dollydo is offline  
Old 10-10-2012, 07:38 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm going to echo both of dollydo's posts. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will only get worse with time. My AM used to be fairly pleasant when she was sober, but that was a good 20-odd years ago, so I don't remember much of those days. The majority of my life she's been a bitter, angry alcoholic, with or without alcohol in her.

Replace your father with my grandmother and you have a predicament that I took onto my own shoulders for a long time. It finally took me going No Contact after an episode involving my children to make me realize that the only people I can save are myself and my kids. I can't get my grandmother out of that house and that situation, no matter how hard I may try. You can't control another person. I recommend you work on your own recovery in order to achieve peace and serenity in your own life, while becoming accepting of your father's decision. You can't change it, so you might as well accept it.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 10-10-2012, 07:51 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 10
Wow, your Mom sounds like my step Dad who passed away about 10 years ago. He was actually the better on growing up. My Mom drank on occasion and was a terrible drunk when she did but they were both terrible parents equally. I must admit life would have been way more pleasant with him sober but even not sober her was an *******. They both were. I had a miserable childhood but survived. Now as an adult I struggle with drinking now and then. I have admitted my problem with it though. They never did and did not or will not till the day they die. One is dead and one more to go and no admission of a fault or sign of guilt for what they put us kids through. I on the other hand admit I have a problem and am trying very hard to deal with it and get help. I love my kids and spoil them rotten because I want them to have a life i never had. My parents were selfish pigs.
NewLeaf7 is offline  
Old 10-11-2012, 02:50 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by Roguey View Post
When she is not drinking, she is a lovely woman
My dad can be great. But the balance finally weighed too heavily on the negatives I was putting up with when he wasn't. It was affecting my ability to be a good parent, to stand up for myself in my marriage, my mental health. I had to draw the line for many reasons.


I know punishing an alcoholic does nothing, but for my own sake I don't know how much longer I can pretend everything is great when she is sober, particularly because it's only a matter of time before shes wasted and going nuts again.
What do you regard as punishing her? Stepping away from her? Spending less time with her? Telling her there's a problem with her behavior?

If you intend any of these (or anything else) as punishment, it's true it will not change her behavior. I have cut ties entirely with my family with no intent to punish and no expectation that they will change. I did it for my own protection and mental health, to try to stop the behaviors and ugliness in my generation, to prevent my kids growing up seeing that my family's complete disrespect and criticism of me was the appropriate way to treat me.

You need to choose your actions for your well-being and future, not with any attempt to change or control her.
EveningRose is offline  
Old 10-12-2012, 08:08 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
:-(
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Toowoomba, Queensland
Posts: 160
I am going through exactly the same thing with my mother. I am 27 and my mother has taken mild drugs since before I was born, stopped them when I was born, then started the drinking.
She has just fallen down the stairs last night, has a fractured skull and is staying in hospital tonight!!! I too, live with my mother as my stepfather was very nasty to her and I didn't want her to go through it on her own, as she has Fybromyalgia.
He has since left her as he was sick of the lying, cheating, affairs, denial and the amount of drinking combined with the pills was not pretty.
I am now trying to look after myself as I now realize that I cannot stop her drinking, I cannot even help her at the minute until she see's what she is doing, I am at my wits end and have run out of options other than to run away back to Australia, away from it all, but then I fear I will worry more as I cannot be there to see her and how she is, so will I then become just like her.
Just want you to know I understand, and if you ever need to have a moan I'm always here as I don't leave my bedroom if she is here, I am to scared of the guilt trips, conflict and saying things I regret. It is very hard and frustrating keeping your mouth shut, trust me, I know!!!
Synfull Vyxun is offline  
Old 10-12-2012, 01:27 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Evening Rose-- yes, all those things listed I guess I consider a punishment. Though I did move across the country over 3 years ago to get away from the situation. Clearly I struggle with not letting it get to me no matter how near or far.

renegayd--I feel your sentiments and thanks for responding. Im 3500 miles away but will still compulsively call the house if I can when my mom should be home and she isnt. I know it means shes drinking.

I'm going to go back to al anon and make it a priority. My dad is out of the house and in a hotel for the time being, I feel badly I can't be next to him to support him. Running away from her also means being away from him. I'm very lucky that I have always had his support and love and parenting though he may be an enabler (it's not denial that he is, I just hate the negative connotation of that word).
Roguey is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:47 AM.