LochnesSwanster

I think I know the inner answers to all of life's problems. But I can't answer my own questions when it deals with my own life. Somewhere, I have lost myself. Forgot who I used to be. People remind me, but I can't relate to those old times. I frighten easily when thinking about my future. Because if you ask me, I will tell you I'm unsure what I want from my life. I have felt sorry for myself for so long, the sorries are no longer sincere. I'm currently 22 years old with no job, not enrolled in school, no girl, and no money. My decisions I have made have obviously affected my life in a negative way. My mother, which I love to death, has been an addict for many years. When I was little I used to get half a Xanax on Friday nights. Also at a young age (around 14-15) my mom would buy me a pint of vodka and I'd drink it down within minutes. I found out at an early age how drugs affected you. My mother has had a long road, and now is doing better after inpatients last year. Before that, she would either drink and pass out or OD on her Fiorecet. Now, she has a better sense of self but still struggles. She is currently on Suboxone and smokes weed. I have always been a strong, smart person, but addiction is no joke! Wen I was 16 I entered a relationship (my first) where I thought I was happy. I let it drag on much too long and she became an addict through the years herself. For her, it started with Oxys and moved to heroin fast. I was never the type to let her influence me with drugs. At 18 I had tested out Perc 10's which I liked, but never became "addicted" to them. Then my mom was prescribed suboxone couple years back and I tried it. It got me high and made me nod out. Have to admit at the time I enjoyed it. Back then it never crossed my mind you can become addicted to this stuff. Anyway, June last yr around my birthday my mom went into a hospital and was there for little over a month. In this time period I had reconnected with my ex girlfriend (one I was with for 4 yrs) and ended up doing heroin by my own decision. Guess it was just a way to reconnect with her at the time. We ended up having some fun. After she left, we never talked again. But I continued to do the heroin for another month. After my supply ran out, I went to my dads for help. Cried to him and he tried to understand the best he could. He gave me a hug and told me "it will all be okay" which really meant a lot to me. Make a long story short, i haven't touched heroin since last yr and will not ever again. But when my mom came out and was feeling better she was prescribed Suboxone again by the doctor. At the time it didn't seem like a bad idea. She would give me my own films and share them with me. At first, I guess in some weird way I felt like this was my own little "opioid program". I do know this isn't a healthy relationship by any means and am ashamed it has gotten this far. It was getting me somewhat high and euphoric at first, but now it is worse then normal. I want my old exuberant personality and life back. I feel as though I'm caught with no escape. Need to stop for my own well being. I have quit few days at a time before and know how it feels.. sorry for venting so long never get out any of my innermost emotions and feels as some release to me. For anyone who fully read this, thank you. To anyone that can provide some advice or insight on a better approach to getting off Suboxone, it would be much appreciated. Thanks for listening to my speel..

frances2011

Hi there and welcome.

I see you also posted in the Suboxone foum, so I'm hopeful you will get Experience, Support and Hope from folks there.

I don't have any Sub experience, but wanted to you to know I am listening.

Kialua

Hi, same here. ^

Glad you are seeing the light and want to better yourself. Good luck!

NWGRITS

Welcome to SR! I don't know anything about Sub. My mother is all about her alcohol, sleeping pills and muscle relaxers. I do know how it feels to be at that point in your life where you realize your poor decisions have consequences and you aren't really going anywhere in life-- young 20s, no job, losing interest in the "high" (I dabbled in alcohol and cocaine for a brief period. It never quite did it for mr, then I ended up pregnant. Haven't touched it since.). You'll find great support here. Keep posting!

DavidG

Hi Lochy...

I was at exactly the same stage at your age.

IMO, Getting to understand the substance of choice won't
make a jot of difference to your life.

Have you ever considered making contact with Alanon?

take care, mate!

DavidG.

Mracoa

Glad you found us, and glad that you recognize there is a problem in your life (even if you don't fully understand it yet).

I too grew up using with my addicted parent (father in my case, mother was the enabler). So, i can relate somewhat, although 25 years ago the drugs of choice were less pharmacuetical.

I was drinking and smoking dope with dad when i was 12 or 13 (can't really remember the exact start). When I was 16, i realized that it was no good. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted. But I knew what I didn't want in my life.

So, i'd encourage you to focus on that aspect. Look at the things you are doing that are keeping you from being employed and in healthy relationships (whatever they are). Cut those things out of your life. Attend AA or NA to get off the drugs. This will not be easy. You may need to get away from parents, friends, siblings. Anyone who you 'slip' back into the drug use pattern with. it's very difficult to just 'hang out' with a drug user, and not use drugs. Get HELP with this. Folks at your local AA or NA meetings may be able to connect you with programs that can help you through this.

Once you have the addiction under control, try out some Alanon or ACOA meetings in your area. Group make up matters, so don't be afraid to group hop. Go to 2 or 3 different groups a week for at least a few weeks. You'll know the right one for you by then. It becomes obvious after a couple meetings (unless a particular meeting was off, which is why i recommend attending more than one).

I found the ACOA and Alanon meetings help me understand the environment I grew up in, and why I learned to react to life the way I do. I manged to get off the drugs and 'fake' a normal life for 20years. But in my 40's my way of dealing with conflict has become a problem for me. I find the groups a great of way to self reflect and see my problems for what they are (part of the way I was raised), and learn better ways of dealing with life.

It's a tough road, but you can do it. It's sooo much better than the alternative of spiraling down into addiction. We are here for you keep talking. It helps.

STaylor98

My story doesn't excatly tie up with you but Im listening. I just wanted to let you know you came to the right place. Theres something moving about finding people that know what your going through. Sometimes you can feel so alone in what your going through but this site allows you to step outside of that. I hope you find the support you need hear or where ever else you go. Warmest regards