sobernowornever

Hi everyone !

My Dad is an alcoholic and has been one since I am born. We don't have a good relationship because everything has to work his way but it doesn't always make sense so we get into fight. My Mom knows about his drinking problems and when I talk to her about it she says she prefers to avoid it because she doesn't want him to get upset. I am a drug addict myself and I thought about talking to my Dad about my problem and asking him to come with me to a NA meeting or an AA meeting but it is hard to do. Each time I have the strenght to talk about my problem, he tells me he doesn't have time for me or he doesn't have time to listen to me. I really want to help him but I don't know where to start. I would like to get some advice

Thanks

NWGRITS

I posted in your other thread in the Friends & Family of Alcoholics section, but I missed the part about your mom. Again, she needs to do it for herself, so it won't do much good to push her. Codies can be as difficult to get into recovery as the addicts themselves. If she's chosen to live her life with blinders on, there's not much you can do. Be sure to tell her you love her and hate to see her this way, then leave it be. Again, welcome!

Payne

I'm not an addict myself, but as a child of an alcoholic, one of the first things they want you to learn at al-anon is that you cannot help the addict unless they want to help themselves. I want to congratulate you on your acknowledgement acceptance and dedication to your own addiction. It's wonderful that you have found the self awareness to face your addiction head on and I wish you the absolute best in the future.

However, myself personally I have had to come to understanding that I cannot "help" my AM. She must decide to do that on her own and the part of my recovery is the part I have control over, my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors, my processes, and my recovery. One of the amazing things of being children of addicts is how giving and selfless we can become, but for me personally my constant struggle is accepting that I can't "fix" those I love.

I don't know if this is any help or just frustrating. If it is I hope you at least come out knowing how highly I respect you for starting your own recovery.

sobernowornever

Thank You Payne.
Yes it is helping. I have a hard time when I can't help others. I prefer to help them instead of me but you are right, I cannot help him if he doesn't want to be sober but I am not sure if he is aware he has a problem. It seems like everyone around him knows it but he doesn't. When I said I wanted to talk to him about my problem, I meant I wanted to talk about it and maybe find a way to tell him what we all think but I am not sure it is the right thing to do.

Payne

Understanding down to your soul that "you didn't create it, cant control it, and cant cure it" are some of the hardest things for ACoA because that's all you ever thought, and wanted.

NWGRITS

My 90-year-old grandmother will go to her grave thinking that she could have done something to prevent AM's drinking. That she could have done something to make it stop. We've talked many times since I went NC with AM, and she still believes that my not talking to AM and keeping my kids from talking to AM are the reason she's still drinking. She refuses to believe that there's nothing any of us could have done to prevent it or fix it. It's heartbreaking, but after 28 years, I just couldn't take it anymore and had to go NC and detach from my enabler relatives. AM getting caught home alone with my kids and a .3 BAC helped a lot in that decision, though.

I can't say that I haven't felt guilty, like I'm abandoning them. But you know what? The merry-go-round is still in motion there. The only difference is that my horse is missing and they have to find a way to adjust when playing the blame hame.

sobernowornever

Wow. I am sorry to hear that. I feel sad for your grandmother and I am sorry you went through this
But it helps to know I am not alone in this situation.
Thank You

STaylor98

Hey. I can really relate to you in the sense that I have a complicated relationship with my father who is an alcoholic. I really respect you for wanting to help your father, but you cannnot make anyone in life do something if there not up for it. The decesion needs to come from him. I remember being a young girl (and im 19 now so i guess im still a young girl lol) but It took my years to work up the courage to tell my dad something. I thought if I said it to him he would change because he loves me. I finally told him that "I want him to stop drinking" and he told me to mind my ******* business. It was untill years later I was old enough to grasp that my dad was sick and it had nothing to do with me. I said all of this to get to the point that you should truely focus on your getting healthy. Maybe you can be an example to your father. It may motivate him. I am hear to listen anytime you need. I hope nothing but the best for you

Ragamuffin

I totally relate. My dad was a terrible alcoholic all throughout my childhood, I ended up being an addict too... We shared stories and never got sober, I never helped him, he never wanted to be helped. He passed at age 42 a year ago.. he never got sober.. but after his death I did.
I don't have any advice really, but I wish I would have been more persistant... Just make sure he knows you love him and are not judging him, you just want him to be around long enough to enjoy a sober life with you.

Justaworkinprog

Sounds like your heart wants healing and thats great. Bad news is you can omly do for you. He has to want to for him. Nice of you to invite him but if he's active in his disease wanting to quit isn't on his list. He's only done self destroying when he chooses. Detach w love. Commit to your own healing. He may see you get better and get curious about why. There is some phrase ...that the program is about attraction not promotion. And part of you wanting to drag him to meetings is your own to look at. A topic today in a meeting was "motivation" . What is your motivation in your actions? Can you accept letting him choose his own? Also, do you have good boundaries in place for when his disease is too painful for you?

Ms.TimmyV

I struggle with this one. I feel the need to let someone know that they have a problem. However, most of the time they already know, regardless of clueless they seem to act. Not only that, it truly isn't any of my concern. I know, this probably goes against the grain of everything you know.

Have you ever tried to help someone, they choose not to take your advice (or act like they have no clue what you're talking about) then when THEY are ready to change, they have no problem doing so....without your help? Well, that's because they have known all along they've had a problem, and because they are responsible for their own life.

As recovering addicts, you know as well as I do that you are fully aware of the hell that you're raising, the people you're hurting, and complete and total inability to stop. I know I never needed anyone to tell me anything. You have too much going on in your own life to get your dad to come around. Focus on your own sobriety.

I wish confronting someone about their addiction was like "Intervention". The addict/alcoholic is remorseful, your threats and ultimatums actually work, and they ship off to rehab and come back like nothing ever happened...all in a tidy 60 minute segment. If only it were that simple.

I know it's hard not being able to fix a person, but you simply can't. Once you accept that their life isn't your responsibility, it will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your back.