What are the Traits of ACOAs?
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What are the Traits of ACOAs?
Hi All,
I've been reading alot larely on this board. I've been in reovery from alchoholism for 14 plus years and co_dependency issues on and off during the same amount of time. Something has happened in my life recently which triggered up alot of stuff,abandonment isues-self-esteem issues security etc. I,m trying to process it all but during the incident with recovering abf it was like I had the whole world ripped out from under me. And I reacted and re reacted along with him as we were both trying to regain control of the situation.
Anyways what are ACOA,s traits how do we deal inthe world in relationships?
Thanks Earthworm
I've been reading alot larely on this board. I've been in reovery from alchoholism for 14 plus years and co_dependency issues on and off during the same amount of time. Something has happened in my life recently which triggered up alot of stuff,abandonment isues-self-esteem issues security etc. I,m trying to process it all but during the incident with recovering abf it was like I had the whole world ripped out from under me. And I reacted and re reacted along with him as we were both trying to regain control of the situation.
Anyways what are ACOA,s traits how do we deal inthe world in relationships?
Thanks Earthworm
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
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I don't know whether or not you've already seen/read it, but there's a handy, brief "sticky note" at the top of this forum, titled "Characteristics of an ACoA", or something along those lines. If you haven't read it yet, you may find it helpful.
But certainly, abandonment issues (sometimes to the point of panic attacks for some of us) are very common indeed. As a former addict, I know that for me, not all of the "standard" traits of an ACoA always fit.
There is also something called the "reverse laundry list", which refers to when ACoAs "reverse" the normal characteristics of an ACoA...?
You might want to look that one up online...I've seen it somewhere, perhaps in the ACoA text book...?
'm not sure how useful that will be, but I did find that I also identified with a lot of the characteristics on that list.
My experience has been that I've taken on the characteristics of both an ACoA as well as those of the addict/alcoholic, so that can make things a bit more complicated to sort out sometimes (as if it's not already complicated enough).
I wish I had more to offer, but I know that others will come along with some great responses.
Other characteristics can be things like feeling panicked when someone starts to yell or raise their voice, or feeling disproportionately intimidated by people we view as "authority figures"--that could even be people as basic as our teachers or professors, our supervisors at work, etc.
Welcome, I hope you find what you need here, I have a feeling that you will!
But certainly, abandonment issues (sometimes to the point of panic attacks for some of us) are very common indeed. As a former addict, I know that for me, not all of the "standard" traits of an ACoA always fit.
There is also something called the "reverse laundry list", which refers to when ACoAs "reverse" the normal characteristics of an ACoA...?
You might want to look that one up online...I've seen it somewhere, perhaps in the ACoA text book...?
'm not sure how useful that will be, but I did find that I also identified with a lot of the characteristics on that list.
My experience has been that I've taken on the characteristics of both an ACoA as well as those of the addict/alcoholic, so that can make things a bit more complicated to sort out sometimes (as if it's not already complicated enough).
I wish I had more to offer, but I know that others will come along with some great responses.
Other characteristics can be things like feeling panicked when someone starts to yell or raise their voice, or feeling disproportionately intimidated by people we view as "authority figures"--that could even be people as basic as our teachers or professors, our supervisors at work, etc.
Welcome, I hope you find what you need here, I have a feeling that you will!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yes the "Characteristics of an ACoA" sticky is where you will want to start. Here is the link in case you missed it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html
But don't stop there, read all the stickies above it as well. Good luck let us know what you think after you've read some of it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html
But don't stop there, read all the stickies above it as well. Good luck let us know what you think after you've read some of it.
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Posts: 1,826
What you were saying about panic attacks over abandonment,just happened 45 minutes ago. It happens even at the thought of abandonment.
Originally Posted by Plath 
I don't know whether or not you've already seen/read it, but there's a handy, brief "sticky note" at the top of this forum, titled "Characteristics of an ACoA", or something along those lines. If you haven't read it yet, you may find it helpful.
But certainly, abandonment issues (sometimes to the point of panic attacks for some of us) are very common indeed. As a former addict, I know that for me, not all of the "standard" traits of an ACoA always fit.
There is also something called the "reverse laundry list", which refers to when ACoAs "reverse" the normal characteristics of an ACoA...?
You might want to look that one up online...I've seen it somewhere, perhaps in the ACoA text book...?
'm not sure how useful that will be, but I did find that I also identified with a lot of the characteristics on that list.
My experience has been that I've taken on the characteristics of both an ACoA as well as those of the addict/alcoholic, so that can make things a bit more complicated to sort out sometimes (as if it's not already complicated enough).
I wish I had more to offer, but I know that others will come along with some great responses.
Other characteristics can be things like feeling panicked when someone starts to yell or raise their voice, or feeling disproportionately intimidated by people we view as "authority figures"--that could even be people as basic as our teachers or professors, our supervisors at work, etc.
Welcome, I hope you find what you need here, I have a feeling that you will!
But certainly, abandonment issues (sometimes to the point of panic attacks for some of us) are very common indeed. As a former addict, I know that for me, not all of the "standard" traits of an ACoA always fit.
There is also something called the "reverse laundry list", which refers to when ACoAs "reverse" the normal characteristics of an ACoA...?
You might want to look that one up online...I've seen it somewhere, perhaps in the ACoA text book...?
'm not sure how useful that will be, but I did find that I also identified with a lot of the characteristics on that list.
My experience has been that I've taken on the characteristics of both an ACoA as well as those of the addict/alcoholic, so that can make things a bit more complicated to sort out sometimes (as if it's not already complicated enough).
I wish I had more to offer, but I know that others will come along with some great responses.
Other characteristics can be things like feeling panicked when someone starts to yell or raise their voice, or feeling disproportionately intimidated by people we view as "authority figures"--that could even be people as basic as our teachers or professors, our supervisors at work, etc.
Welcome, I hope you find what you need here, I have a feeling that you will!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I hope reading the stickies helps you, if not please consider counseling, I don't know if we on a mere forum are equipped to help you out of a real panic attack.
I know I had panic attacks when I was in Art School and the doctor gave me valium which I threw out after trying one. The LAST thing I needed was drugs. I centered myself around God and Jesus Christ as my higher power and meditated on peaceful scriptures. The panic attacks quit as I peacefully prayed through them. It was what worked for me. I was very young and just coming from an abusive alcoholic home and learning to walk on my own two feet and sort out the world and as much as my family of origin life was scary, the real world was bigger scarier place.
I think most of us on this forum deal with relationships by only having the ones we can succeed with, I tend to walk away from relationships that harm me. Especially relatives. We call it going 'No Contact'. Consider withdrawing from damaging relationships.
Hang in there work on yourself, and seek help if necessary. Good luck.
I know I had panic attacks when I was in Art School and the doctor gave me valium which I threw out after trying one. The LAST thing I needed was drugs. I centered myself around God and Jesus Christ as my higher power and meditated on peaceful scriptures. The panic attacks quit as I peacefully prayed through them. It was what worked for me. I was very young and just coming from an abusive alcoholic home and learning to walk on my own two feet and sort out the world and as much as my family of origin life was scary, the real world was bigger scarier place.
I think most of us on this forum deal with relationships by only having the ones we can succeed with, I tend to walk away from relationships that harm me. Especially relatives. We call it going 'No Contact'. Consider withdrawing from damaging relationships.
Hang in there work on yourself, and seek help if necessary. Good luck.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
I started having panic attacks mainly due to abandonment issues in 2004. One was a major panic attack, and I've had very few experiences like that one since. But I've suffered from anxiety since the breakup of a relationship around that time, although we got back together (sort of). We were both in recovery as well.
I've had to take clonazepam for my anxiety, which is a real bummer. After all that addiction, the last thing I've wanted was to be "chained" to another type of drug. But it has helped. I'm trying to get off of the medication now, slowly...and I have a therapist who helps me to work through my feelings of fear, anger, etc.
I don't have many suggestions for you as far as the panic attacks and abandonment issues go, but if you have a sponsor, I might start by talking to your sponsor about your abandonment issues and how they're affecting your life, and your recovery.
Maybe, if you and your sponsor are up to it, work the steps on the topic of fear and abandonment? (To clarify, I mean that instead of incorporating the fear and abandonment issues into your regular 12 steps, you could work the steps just for fear and abandonment issues...i.e., accept that you're "powerless" over your abandonment issues, ask your higher power to help you, write a fourth step about it, etc.)
It's just a thought, but I think that, from my perspective, when you're having a panic attack just thinking about being abandoned, a potentially good course of action to take would be to call someone you REALLY trust, and ask them to walk you through what you're feeling?
It's just a thought... I was in recovery for many years, and I had a couple of really wonderful sponsors who understood all about abandonment issues and fear, and they were able to help me quite a bit.
At any rate, I can at least say that I completely identify with having panic attacks at the thought of abandonment. It's a horrible experience to feel that way, and I'm sorry that you're having to go through that right now.
I've had to take clonazepam for my anxiety, which is a real bummer. After all that addiction, the last thing I've wanted was to be "chained" to another type of drug. But it has helped. I'm trying to get off of the medication now, slowly...and I have a therapist who helps me to work through my feelings of fear, anger, etc.
I don't have many suggestions for you as far as the panic attacks and abandonment issues go, but if you have a sponsor, I might start by talking to your sponsor about your abandonment issues and how they're affecting your life, and your recovery.
Maybe, if you and your sponsor are up to it, work the steps on the topic of fear and abandonment? (To clarify, I mean that instead of incorporating the fear and abandonment issues into your regular 12 steps, you could work the steps just for fear and abandonment issues...i.e., accept that you're "powerless" over your abandonment issues, ask your higher power to help you, write a fourth step about it, etc.)
It's just a thought, but I think that, from my perspective, when you're having a panic attack just thinking about being abandoned, a potentially good course of action to take would be to call someone you REALLY trust, and ask them to walk you through what you're feeling?
It's just a thought... I was in recovery for many years, and I had a couple of really wonderful sponsors who understood all about abandonment issues and fear, and they were able to help me quite a bit.
At any rate, I can at least say that I completely identify with having panic attacks at the thought of abandonment. It's a horrible experience to feel that way, and I'm sorry that you're having to go through that right now.
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