PoetryandHums

Hi all!

I have an interesting question that I'd love your thoughts about (and experiences with!). My dad was the primary alcoholic in my family, though my mom definitely drank and used drugs as well. My mom, however, was much more abusive than my dad--emotionally, verbally, and occasionally physically. Currently, my relationship with my mom is limited contact--I talk to her when she calls me, but not if she is hurtful. I see her if she is in town, but only in a group and in a public place. I have a somewhat closer relationship with my dad. I believe he's in AA? At any rate he is more kind, interested in my life, and supportive than my mom--and than he used to be.

I've recently gotten engaged and we're planning the wedding for about two years from now. Therefore, this isn't a decision I have to make right away! I'm thinking about not inviting my mom to our wedding. Thinking about her being there makes me ill--at best, I will be worried about what she'll do and resentful, and at worst she will do something disruptive or cruel. If we have kids some day, she won't be allowed to see them, so I partly wonder why I'd allow my fiancee or myself around someone I'd protect our kids from. Also, she has been negative about our relationship (from an early accusation against me that "You just can't be in relationships with other women" (than her? wtf, right?) to my grandma's surprise when I told her of our engagement "Your mom said you'd probably break up..."). OTH, not inviting her seems drastic, and perhaps uncompassionate.

I'm even less sure about my dad. If he did come, I;m sure he would be appropriate and even loving. He's made an effort to get to know and connect with me as an adult, and genuinely like my fiancee. Unlike my mom, he is happy to see my joys and success. OTH, he's very defensive of my mom--it's likely that if I invite him but not her, he won't come, or I will hear from him about how poorly I treat her, how ungrateful I am, etc. While his response to an invitation is his choice, I feel conflicted about my own decision for other reasons. He was a very difficult parent as well, and I know he has been abusive to my mother (and she to him). Is inviting him alone excusing his behavior? Choosing sides?

Finally, I've never really confronted either of my parents about their abuse. I've told my mom that I won't talk to her because her words in that conversation are hurtful, but never explained the reasons for my gradual withdrawal. Sometimes, she'll say something like "I hope you come to visit soon" and I'll reply with "mmm" rather than "hell no." So I also wonder if this might be the time for that--perhaps a letter to my mom explaining why she won't be invited, expressing love and sorrow for her own suffering (and that any responses should be in writing, of course!). But then would I write to my dad, too?

A lot to think about, anyway!

Hollyanne

I wouldn't invite either of them.
I think a wedding is supposed to be a celebration of the two people who are getting married and I wouldn't have anyone who disapproves on the guest-list.
It is two years away. Don't worry about it.
Don't blow all your money on the wedding and save some for a nice house/apartment.

Then again, never been married.:rotfxko

seek

Why don't you just elope?

NWGRITS

Seriously. I've been through the whole wedding thing, and my dysfunctional family made it a miserable experience. Then we got divorced. Second time around we played it really low-key. Had a small party with a few friends and limited family and a minister, but it definitely wasn't a "wedding." Elope and use the money for something tangible that will last far longer than a wedding. Like a house, or setting up a retirement fund or something.

PoetryandHums

Thanks for the advice, and I totally appreciate the sentiment! It's important to us to have a wedding for a bunch of reasons, including religious ones. Also, her wonderful family and all of our friends are really excited and supportive, and we're looking forward to a ceremony and celebration with them.

Supersarah

My experience...I didn't invite my mum for the same reasons that you've mentioned. I thought it was the right thing for me at the time. If I had my time again I would have endured her presence. Why? It drove a huge wedge between me and my siblings that endures to this day and which causes me great heartache still. This could cause problems with you and your dad. If I could do it again I wouldn't get married at all or would just have invited her and tried to ignore her crap.
Just my 2c worth.
Congratulations though on your great news.
S

EveningRose

This is a really tough one. I've been allowing my kids to invite my family to their graduation parties because it's important to them. For myself, even though I don't speak to any of them and haven't for about 4 years, I'd probably hold my nose and send the invite just to keep my own nose squeaky clean. But then, my family, even though they snub me at these events, at least behaves civilly and doesn't start trouble. And even with that, I'm not sure they'll be invited to the next grad party because I'm getting really tired of holding out that olive branch and having it ignored.

However...your wedding is two years away. You don't have to send invitations for at least 18 months and who knows what will happen in that time. My best advice is don't even worry about it for at least 17 months. See what the situation is then, and make your decision. For now, forget about it. Easier said than done, I know, but try to.

RobinKS

I seem to learn everything the hard way, my first marriage my mother came, my father wrote me a letter saying he would not pay for the wedding if my mother came, so I didn't get the money. First wedding, I was not working the program, I had no boundaries, my mother ran all over me...second wedding my mother did not come, was no longer speaking to my father but I did invite my mother in law who turned out to be the most dysfunctional of them all. She did not approve because I did not convert to catholism and it was not in a church. MIL sat with her legs spread, thank god she had on pants and a horrible look on her face. She continued to make me or i let her make me miserable until God decided to take her away. I don't talk to my mother, my father has passed away. I did invite my mother last year to my son's baseball banquet and I wish I had not.. I was in charge of the auction which was stressful enough, she sat at the table and went on and on about how my ex husband should be there, my husband should be there etc etc etc.....this year I am not even planning on attending that particular banquet, my son will have a senior baseball dinner and I have been thinking long and hard about who I will invite, it may just be me and my husband.....I am tired of my family and all their stuff, life for me is so much easier without them....thats just me, I am new to this forum and looking forward to getting to know some of you....

tromboneliness

My wife and I got married about a year after she got sober (via 5 months at a treatment facility she refers to as "the Spa"). We had a small ceremony in a friend's backyard, attended by roughly 15 of our closest friends, all of whom had played important roles in supporting us through her illness and treatment.

There was no one related to either of us at the wedding.

And you know what? No one was offended or hurt, there was no need to tap-dance around why we had invited one person but not another... and everyone who was there said it was the best wedding they'd ever attended.

And then, there's the money we saved....

It's your wedding. You can do it any way you want, and you don't have to explain.

T