My story
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3
My story
This is my story. I've put up some questions at the end for those who care to read that far.
My father passed away back in 2007, so it was five years ago. He was mid fifties, I was mid twenties. A lot of the emotions I felt at the time were pushed down and seem to be making their way back up. For example, i'll be having a great day, but then i'll look out a window and take a breath, and remember my dad is dead.
My father was both a positive and a destructive force in my life. My parents got divorced when I was 5. I only remember glimpses of the early years - fishing trips - canoe rides - listening to rock and roll. Watching American Werewolf in London (the original). MTV. Funny how our life can be chono-logged by pop music charts.
We used to hit the comic book stores together with my brother, and he was generous or seemed that way to us kids. On the other hand, he would disappear for whole nights, and, like most drunks, let us down and forget hiking trips and birthdays. To our mom, he was a great guy...
Until he would drink, and then he would get violent. Not the typical violence, if there is typical violence, but I remember him emptying out her purse once in a rage and throwing a beer bottle across the room shortly before the divorce. I'm sure there was more going on that my brother and I did not see. He could never hold down a job for long.
Afterwards, there was distance. We would stay over at his place every once and awhile and there were still trips, but he had become more adept at making excuses. Alcoholics are marked by an uncanny denial. Perhaps they lie to themselves as they lie to others - but nothing is ever their fault. Maybe they don't remember. Maybe they are weak.
He would blame things on our mom, even to the point of selling stories that no one was buying. Once, he came over to pick us up, and mom wouldn't open the door. He threw our deck chair at the door and left in a rage. Another time, we were swimming at a complex pool and I splashed one of his temporary girlfriends, and she flicked a cigarette at me which burned a patch in my arm. I was about 8, and I ran away through the complex. He caught up and choked me into submission.
Another time, mom came to pick us up from a visitation, and we went out to the car while they talked inside. We went back inside when she didn't come out and he had her in a strange position and was trying to put a dirty mop on her face, and down her throat. That memory is pretty fuzzy. She must have gotten some bleach or dirt in her mouth.
Typing this out makes me realize how much we also make excuses about the abuse, I guess a coping mechanism, but it wasn't always like that. Those moments leave big impressions. There were a lot of good times too, but they were hesitant, fleeting moments. He tried to keep a bird for a pet, but it flew away.
One day, he stopped visiting, and we stopped going over. I was probably 10 or 11. He had moved across the country without saying bye. Every now and then we got a call, but no one was interested in speaking.
We would get $25 checks, sporadically, for things like Christmas from our grandparents on his side, but never from him. No birthday gifts. Sometimes a drunken phone call. Things went on like that for awhile. Our grandparents on his side died. Yo his credit, he did take care of his parents before they passed. Can't say the same about his kids, though. Although when I was around 22 he finally paid up on a few thousand dollars of child support from who knows when. Too little too late.
When I was 24 I got a call - it was him. It was a mixed phone call. I chastised him because I found out, via google, that he had been arrested for drunk driving a couple years before. I said something along the lines of "what type of grown man does that". He said that was in the past. He commented that we never send photos or update him on our lives - classic alcoholic displacement of responsibility - thin attempt to guilt trip.
I told him he was never there for us. He said it takes two and that we were never there for him either. That made me angry, and I told him it was BS, which it was, but it still stings a bit. Then, he wanted our social security numbers. I immediately went on the defensive - no way was I going to let this guy ruin my own credit or participate in some identify theft plan.
He said he was straightening out his affairs and was going to put us as beneficiaries to his life insurance. I told him he can do that but he wasn't going to get our socials. He got mad and said "i'll just give it all to mikey then". I was like "who the f is mikey"... he's like "one of your cousins". We had met a couple of the cousins, but were almost entirely out of the loop for that side of the family. I told him to do what he wants. He calmed down and said he loved us. I really didn't know what to make of it at the time. I gave him a mouth-full i'm sure.
About a month or two later, we got the call that he had died in a car accident. My brother and I flew up to take care of business. To this day, I can't figure out if it was an accident, or a suicide. Single vehicle crash in the middle of the afternoon. Blood alcohol level of .3 (more than three times the USA legal limit). He drove off a hill going fast, no seat belt, was partially ejected out of the vehicle while the vehicle was flipping. Made a huge mess.
Not sure if he passed out from the blood alcohol level, or if he turned the radio up and decided to take a nose dive.
It turns out he did put us on the insurance, but there were alot of questions surrounding the accident. Even after the death, his siblings denied that he was an alcoholic. Had had another bird this time around, and someone agreed to take care of it. The siblings drank too.
They also tried to blame stuff on our mom, but we would not hear any of that. We parted on good terms with them, but did not speak afterwards. A particularly belligerent uncle (by marriage) wanted to "help" us take care of some property up there, and by help I mean try to bill us twice a week for lawn care in the winter...
We ended up lawyering up for matters of estate. Our lawyer died during the process too, so we got a senior partner at the firm to finish up the business. It was a big headache. I still have some of his stuff... mostly junk, but some good cds, knives, pictures, things like that. We got some money, and promptly spent all of it.
That was 5 years ago. My brother and I don't talk about it.
Looking back at pictures, there are raw, mixed emotions. Pleasure and pain, mostly a mix of longing for something that was never truly there and resentment, sprinkled in with mystery, guilt, and a slew of unanswered questions. I still google him every now and then. On the flip side, even though we don't keep up with that side of the family, I value my heritage and the history of that family.
One time, I googled him, only to find a first-cousin of mine on that side of the family had died in a drunk ATV accident not long ago. The cousin was at a birthday party, maybe drinking, maybe not, got on the ATV, and flipped down the driveway somehow, bashing his brains out on the cement. Left a wife behind.
**************************************************
Questions:
1)Based on the above story, do you believe my brother and I suffered child abuse? Did my mother suffer spousal abuse in the scenario described?
2) Since 2007, we have had no contact with my fathers side of the family. However, some of them may have genealogical records I am interested in obtaining. Additionally, I am interested in contacting more first-cousins. How would you go about contacting less-than-helpful family members to achieve these goals?
3)My brother and I don't talk about my father. Do you think we should talk about it?
4)Based on the information in the story, do you think his death was an accident, or suicide? This was a man who made sure all was square with his life insurance, and even took a picture of himself lying on a burial plot next to his parent's graves.Y He then died shortly thereafter in a single vehicle accident with a blood alcohol level of .3+
5)How do you move past feelings of jealousy over people whose parents are not dead/were not alcoholics? And how do you get past the anger of a past in some ways denied to you?
Thanks,
TK
My father passed away back in 2007, so it was five years ago. He was mid fifties, I was mid twenties. A lot of the emotions I felt at the time were pushed down and seem to be making their way back up. For example, i'll be having a great day, but then i'll look out a window and take a breath, and remember my dad is dead.
My father was both a positive and a destructive force in my life. My parents got divorced when I was 5. I only remember glimpses of the early years - fishing trips - canoe rides - listening to rock and roll. Watching American Werewolf in London (the original). MTV. Funny how our life can be chono-logged by pop music charts.
We used to hit the comic book stores together with my brother, and he was generous or seemed that way to us kids. On the other hand, he would disappear for whole nights, and, like most drunks, let us down and forget hiking trips and birthdays. To our mom, he was a great guy...
Until he would drink, and then he would get violent. Not the typical violence, if there is typical violence, but I remember him emptying out her purse once in a rage and throwing a beer bottle across the room shortly before the divorce. I'm sure there was more going on that my brother and I did not see. He could never hold down a job for long.
Afterwards, there was distance. We would stay over at his place every once and awhile and there were still trips, but he had become more adept at making excuses. Alcoholics are marked by an uncanny denial. Perhaps they lie to themselves as they lie to others - but nothing is ever their fault. Maybe they don't remember. Maybe they are weak.
He would blame things on our mom, even to the point of selling stories that no one was buying. Once, he came over to pick us up, and mom wouldn't open the door. He threw our deck chair at the door and left in a rage. Another time, we were swimming at a complex pool and I splashed one of his temporary girlfriends, and she flicked a cigarette at me which burned a patch in my arm. I was about 8, and I ran away through the complex. He caught up and choked me into submission.
Another time, mom came to pick us up from a visitation, and we went out to the car while they talked inside. We went back inside when she didn't come out and he had her in a strange position and was trying to put a dirty mop on her face, and down her throat. That memory is pretty fuzzy. She must have gotten some bleach or dirt in her mouth.
Typing this out makes me realize how much we also make excuses about the abuse, I guess a coping mechanism, but it wasn't always like that. Those moments leave big impressions. There were a lot of good times too, but they were hesitant, fleeting moments. He tried to keep a bird for a pet, but it flew away.
One day, he stopped visiting, and we stopped going over. I was probably 10 or 11. He had moved across the country without saying bye. Every now and then we got a call, but no one was interested in speaking.
We would get $25 checks, sporadically, for things like Christmas from our grandparents on his side, but never from him. No birthday gifts. Sometimes a drunken phone call. Things went on like that for awhile. Our grandparents on his side died. Yo his credit, he did take care of his parents before they passed. Can't say the same about his kids, though. Although when I was around 22 he finally paid up on a few thousand dollars of child support from who knows when. Too little too late.
When I was 24 I got a call - it was him. It was a mixed phone call. I chastised him because I found out, via google, that he had been arrested for drunk driving a couple years before. I said something along the lines of "what type of grown man does that". He said that was in the past. He commented that we never send photos or update him on our lives - classic alcoholic displacement of responsibility - thin attempt to guilt trip.
I told him he was never there for us. He said it takes two and that we were never there for him either. That made me angry, and I told him it was BS, which it was, but it still stings a bit. Then, he wanted our social security numbers. I immediately went on the defensive - no way was I going to let this guy ruin my own credit or participate in some identify theft plan.
He said he was straightening out his affairs and was going to put us as beneficiaries to his life insurance. I told him he can do that but he wasn't going to get our socials. He got mad and said "i'll just give it all to mikey then". I was like "who the f is mikey"... he's like "one of your cousins". We had met a couple of the cousins, but were almost entirely out of the loop for that side of the family. I told him to do what he wants. He calmed down and said he loved us. I really didn't know what to make of it at the time. I gave him a mouth-full i'm sure.
About a month or two later, we got the call that he had died in a car accident. My brother and I flew up to take care of business. To this day, I can't figure out if it was an accident, or a suicide. Single vehicle crash in the middle of the afternoon. Blood alcohol level of .3 (more than three times the USA legal limit). He drove off a hill going fast, no seat belt, was partially ejected out of the vehicle while the vehicle was flipping. Made a huge mess.
Not sure if he passed out from the blood alcohol level, or if he turned the radio up and decided to take a nose dive.
It turns out he did put us on the insurance, but there were alot of questions surrounding the accident. Even after the death, his siblings denied that he was an alcoholic. Had had another bird this time around, and someone agreed to take care of it. The siblings drank too.
They also tried to blame stuff on our mom, but we would not hear any of that. We parted on good terms with them, but did not speak afterwards. A particularly belligerent uncle (by marriage) wanted to "help" us take care of some property up there, and by help I mean try to bill us twice a week for lawn care in the winter...
We ended up lawyering up for matters of estate. Our lawyer died during the process too, so we got a senior partner at the firm to finish up the business. It was a big headache. I still have some of his stuff... mostly junk, but some good cds, knives, pictures, things like that. We got some money, and promptly spent all of it.
That was 5 years ago. My brother and I don't talk about it.
Looking back at pictures, there are raw, mixed emotions. Pleasure and pain, mostly a mix of longing for something that was never truly there and resentment, sprinkled in with mystery, guilt, and a slew of unanswered questions. I still google him every now and then. On the flip side, even though we don't keep up with that side of the family, I value my heritage and the history of that family.
One time, I googled him, only to find a first-cousin of mine on that side of the family had died in a drunk ATV accident not long ago. The cousin was at a birthday party, maybe drinking, maybe not, got on the ATV, and flipped down the driveway somehow, bashing his brains out on the cement. Left a wife behind.
**************************************************
Questions:
1)Based on the above story, do you believe my brother and I suffered child abuse? Did my mother suffer spousal abuse in the scenario described?
2) Since 2007, we have had no contact with my fathers side of the family. However, some of them may have genealogical records I am interested in obtaining. Additionally, I am interested in contacting more first-cousins. How would you go about contacting less-than-helpful family members to achieve these goals?
3)My brother and I don't talk about my father. Do you think we should talk about it?
4)Based on the information in the story, do you think his death was an accident, or suicide? This was a man who made sure all was square with his life insurance, and even took a picture of himself lying on a burial plot next to his parent's graves.Y He then died shortly thereafter in a single vehicle accident with a blood alcohol level of .3+
5)How do you move past feelings of jealousy over people whose parents are not dead/were not alcoholics? And how do you get past the anger of a past in some ways denied to you?
Thanks,
TK
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Originally Posted by Triplek 
Questions:
1)Based on the above story, do you believe my brother and I suffered child abuse? Did my mother suffer spousal abuse in the scenario described?TK
1)Based on the above story, do you believe my brother and I suffered child abuse? Did my mother suffer spousal abuse in the scenario described?TK
Originally Posted by Triplek
2) Since 2007, we have had no contact with my fathers side of the family. However, some of them may have genealogical records I am interested in obtaining. Additionally, I am interested in contacting more first-cousins. How would you go about contacting less-than-helpful family members to achieve these goals?TK
Originally Posted by Triplek
3)My brother and I don't talk about my father. Do you think we should talk about it?TK
Originally Posted by Triplek
4)Based on the information in the story, do you think his death was an accident, or suicide? This was a man who made sure all was square with his life insurance, and even took a picture of himself lying on a burial plot next to his parent's graves.Y He then died shortly thereafter in a single vehicle accident with a blood alcohol level of .3+TK
Originally Posted by Triplek
5)How do you move past feelings of jealousy over people whose parents are not dead/were not alcoholics? And how do you get past the anger of a past in some ways denied to you?TK
Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it helpful in your journey.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
Your story reminds me a lot of my childhood. My father was an abusive alcoholic, and he was already far gone by the time I was able to remember. He died of cirrhosis of the liver when I was still a child. I have no pleasant memories of him.
To answer your questions:
(1) A big loud YES to both those questions.
(2) Don't contact those relatives, as someone already posted, do research on the Internet or in printed records.
(3) Talk to someone else about your father; a counselor, Al Anon friends, etc.
(4) My opinion is it was suicide.
(5) I wish I knew the answer to that. As a child, I envied kids who had a nice father. I guess I still do at some level. Al Anon, however, has helped me to be gratitude for the nice people that I have had/still have in my life.
To answer your questions:
(1) A big loud YES to both those questions.
(2) Don't contact those relatives, as someone already posted, do research on the Internet or in printed records.
(3) Talk to someone else about your father; a counselor, Al Anon friends, etc.
(4) My opinion is it was suicide.
(5) I wish I knew the answer to that. As a child, I envied kids who had a nice father. I guess I still do at some level. Al Anon, however, has helped me to be gratitude for the nice people that I have had/still have in my life.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
1)Based on the above story, do you believe my brother and I suffered child abuse? Did my mother suffer spousal abuse in the scenario described? Without a doubt, yes and yes.
2) Since 2007, we have had no contact with my fathers side of the family. However, some of them may have genealogical records I am interested in obtaining. Additionally, I am interested in contacting more first-cousins. How would you go about contacting less-than-helpful family members to achieve these goals? Agreed. Don't contact anyone. There are many other methods for getting those same records. If you know anyone in the Mormon church, ask them for help.
3)My brother and I don't talk about my father. Do you think we should talk about it? It may or may not do any good. If he really doesn't seem to want to discuss it, then don't. You may just end up getting frustrated and angry all over again, and there's nothing you can do about your past.
4)Based on the information in the story, do you think his death was an accident, or suicide? This was a man who made sure all was square with his life insurance, and even took a picture of himself lying on a burial plot next to his parent's graves.Y He then died shortly thereafter in a single vehicle accident with a blood alcohol level of .3+. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that this specific event was suicide, even though he had shown signs of leaning that way. At a .3, they're not thinking AT ALL, so who knows what really happened. He definitely was "walking comatose," so some type of accident was bound to happen, intentional or not. That's the same level my AM was at when she was caught home alone with my kids and CPS was called to take them away.
5)How do you move past feelings of jealousy over people whose parents are not dead/were not alcoholics? And how do you get past the anger of a past in some ways denied to you? I just have to remember that I can't change what happened in the past. Wishing for a better childhood or even early adulthood steals from my present and my future. I'm not saying that it doesn't hit me every now and then that I'll never get that back, I'll never get to have that childhood that every kid is supposed to have. I'm simply better able to deal with it as a passing thought and move on. Al-Anon and therapy were the keys to getting to that point.
2) Since 2007, we have had no contact with my fathers side of the family. However, some of them may have genealogical records I am interested in obtaining. Additionally, I am interested in contacting more first-cousins. How would you go about contacting less-than-helpful family members to achieve these goals? Agreed. Don't contact anyone. There are many other methods for getting those same records. If you know anyone in the Mormon church, ask them for help.
3)My brother and I don't talk about my father. Do you think we should talk about it? It may or may not do any good. If he really doesn't seem to want to discuss it, then don't. You may just end up getting frustrated and angry all over again, and there's nothing you can do about your past.
4)Based on the information in the story, do you think his death was an accident, or suicide? This was a man who made sure all was square with his life insurance, and even took a picture of himself lying on a burial plot next to his parent's graves.Y He then died shortly thereafter in a single vehicle accident with a blood alcohol level of .3+. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that this specific event was suicide, even though he had shown signs of leaning that way. At a .3, they're not thinking AT ALL, so who knows what really happened. He definitely was "walking comatose," so some type of accident was bound to happen, intentional or not. That's the same level my AM was at when she was caught home alone with my kids and CPS was called to take them away.
5)How do you move past feelings of jealousy over people whose parents are not dead/were not alcoholics? And how do you get past the anger of a past in some ways denied to you? I just have to remember that I can't change what happened in the past. Wishing for a better childhood or even early adulthood steals from my present and my future. I'm not saying that it doesn't hit me every now and then that I'll never get that back, I'll never get to have that childhood that every kid is supposed to have. I'm simply better able to deal with it as a passing thought and move on. Al-Anon and therapy were the keys to getting to that point.
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