Count2ten

I have only posted a few times, and mostly it's been about confusion or what do I do etc. This time I'm angry and hurt and about cried out. Long story short my alcoholic father depends on me for many of his basic daily needs. He has health issues that have left him with some motor skill defecits so needless to say I do a lot for him. But today for some reason he decides to fight me on everything and get really agitated when I do simple things (like ask him what he wants for lunch). My dad has never been a mean drunk, and has never talked to me like this before. So I got MAD and said a few truths to him that I've been holding onto and then he starts to cry and I leave and now I am terrified that he's going to just sit and feel sorry for himself and drink himself stupid tonight......funny thing though is that my feelings are hurt..... and I'm the one who feels bad....

Plath

I'm sorry that you had that experience. I can understand the conflicting emotions of anger and then feeling hurt, or "bad".

I had a (somewhat) similar thing happen with my mom the night before Mother's Day this year. My mom has never been an alcoholic (she married one instead), but she behaved like a mean drunk when I was growing up.

We still visit each other and try to keep it as pleasant as possible (not always easy!), but I get sick of her hypocritical advice. After doing my best to keep my thoughts to myself (again, not always easy), I sometimes eventually explode on her. That's what happened the night before Mother's Day.

I'll try not to take up a lot of room with the details, but it really escalated, and I realized that she didn't even remember some of the traumatizing things she put me through as a child. I was asking (pointlessly) for a heartfelt apology, and she ended up freaking out, screaming "I'm sorry, I was a terrible mother!" and crying hysterically. It was pure drama, but that's just my mother.

It was awful. Unfortunately, knowing my mother, I know that a forced apology is not actually a meaningful, heartfelt apology, so the whole drama filled event was useless and counterproductive.

But I did feel a combination of fury and guilt after I went off on her. It was awful timing, and I kept going back and forth between thinking that she needed to have some of those things said to her, and thinking "why did I have to say this right before Mother's Day??!"

Our stories are probably very different, as my mother was really cruel to me as a child and into my adulthood, but in a sense I think that I can empathize with how you're feeling.

I don't have any answers for you, but I figured I would share my story so that at least you know that you're not alone in feeling the way that you do. My mom really tries these days, and I do feel a lot of guilt for being "so hard on her". But she's also an extremely toxic person to have to be around.

I hope you get it sorted out and find a way to feel a bit better, however that manifests itself for you.

Kialua

Yes manipulation is their specialty. My Dad was a mean drunk too, then he would cry about how much he loved me after he beat me bloody. Are you in a group for support? I think you need to find some relief and support at an Alanon or ACOA group.

NWGRITS

I never had to deal with my AM in an elder care type of situation and I NEVER WILL (she's 64 now), but the events you described were repeated in my house regularly when I was growing up. I felt awful about myself because my AM and everyone else my family hated me. She told me they all did, and she was my mother, so how could I possibly be wrong? I ended up back home twice after moving out because I felt responsible for my elderly grandmother, and plus I would never make it in the world on my own, so best to just come back. I can't tell you how freeing it is to realize that none of it is your responsibility, and to get out to take care of yourself. It's amazing!!!

Plath

Count2ten, there was coincidentally a recommendation for a book on a different thread, called Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent: A Guide for Stressed-Out Children.

If I'm understanding you correctly, your dad has some co-occurring issues going on (I'm not sure whether your father is elderly or not, but maybe this book might help?)...

I just thought I would throw that out there...

Peace to you, I hope you feel better soon.

dbh

When growing up in an alcoholic home, I found I was conditioned to ignore my own needs and place the needs of the alcoholic, my co-dependent mother, and just about everyone else above my own.

Learned at a very young age to stuff my feelings.

One day in therapy, my therapist told me that it's okay to tell people when they are doing something that hurts you. It was such a hard concept for me to learn.

Then she put it this way, "When someone is standing on your foot, it is okay to 'Get off my foot!'"

Keep coming back.

db

fadinghope

My dad was aggressive when I was a child, but don't remember much, about a month ago though when he was so debilitated with drink i thought he was gong to die he somehow found the strength to hit me hard across the head twice.
I told him where to go and quite frankly he is lucky my husband didnt knock him out.
He cried. Said he loved me etc etc.
I believed him.
Then he pulled my hair so hard I had to wear it down for almost 2 weeks.
he cried again after that. I left.

Im lucky in a way though because he doesnt live with me, I can leave, i can shut it out.

Im sorry you are having to deal with this in your own home everyday
It is hard, dont feel bad though everyone has a limit and thats a good thing. You are already doing so much helping your dad with is daily needs you shouldnt have to get verbally abused while you do it.
Good for you for telling him its unacceptable. okay so he may get blind drunk tonight and unfortunately you will probably have to deal with the consequences of that as he lives with you but it may make him think twice about treating you that way n the future

good luck

Count2ten

Thanks everybody for your comments and your own stories. Although each situation is different they all really boil down to the same issues. I don't know if anyone else might feel this way (probably lol) but I never talk about his drinking, I hide it and I try very hard to portray this normal family image. Family is really non existant, my dad has seperated himself from all of his family (most likely due to his own embarasment) so it's really just me and my fiance... that's it.... and I have followed in his exact footsteps. I don't want to have to explain to extended family that he's drinking and his health is failing so I just choose not to talk to them either. I know it sounds so painfully old fashioned and I have no idea why I have this notion in my head but I feel like it's a "family secret" something everyone knows about but doesn't talk about and you don't discuss family issues outside of the house, how F'd up is that? I'm always super embarassed.... when get gets sick from drinking or has seizures I always make up something else that happened when friends ask or when work asks...it's like living a lie....