NWGRITS

I already know the answer to this, but I feel like putting it out there for input will help me stop obsessing about it:

I'm due with my third baby in November. This is my grandmother's third great-grandchild, and she's getting up in her years. She won't be able to travel for much longer. I'm lucky that she might get to come visit for this baby. Anyway, my grandmother refuses to come unless AM can come too, which is a hard boundary for me right now. AM isn't sober after her last hospital stay, so the one year ban for sobriety hasn't even started yet. Right now she's still on an "Until You Can Clean Up and Get Sober" ban because she's still drinking.

I don't want to deny my grandmother her last great-grandchild, but I know that she's really denying herself this opportunity. I've tried talking to her, which just resulted in her getting angry that I'm "punishing them." She's been so stuck to AM that she can't seem to separate herself from her anymore. She feels like she has to stay there to be responsible for her 24/7. I just don't know what to do other than cut my losses and just accept that it is what it is.

suki44883

Oh how sad. I'm sorry your grandmother is being so difficult. I think you're right to just cut your losses. After all, you aren't telling her she cannot come, you are holding up your boundary regarding your mother. If gramma really wants to be there, she will be, with no conditions.

livethelifeuluv

I am due with my second in October and my limit with my father is that I will not see him/talk to him unless he gets sober. I will not allow myself to break the limit I set for myself and will not be allowing him to see his granddaughter unless he can get sober (I am 99.99% positive he will not try to stop drinking before this). I know with a new baby coming into the world it's really very sad to think some family will be missing out. I think you need to do what's best for you. Like PP said, you aren't denying your grandmother the privilege to come see your baby, just your mother. I'm sorry you have to deal with this when it's supposed to be a happy time. I know for me it's difficult to stand by the boundaries I set for myself at this time, but I'm going to do it! Good luck with your decision.

NWGRITS

Thank you, and congratulations on your pending new arrival as well!

I used to think that my grandmother was so wonderful when I was younger. Then I grew up and realized that she enabled AM and kept us from having a relatively normal life with our father by helping to manipulate us into staying. It's all in the past and I've had time to process it, so whatever. I feel sad for her that she was never able to really have a life because taking care of her alcoholic daughter and her two grand-daughters WAS her life. I hate to see her do this to herself, but she's made her bed.

I talked to my aunt earlier who confirmed that, despite the bull my grandmother was feeding me earlier on the phone, AM is still very much drinking. I knew she was, but when aunt told me she'd gotten 3 phone calls last night (one at 2am) from AM, nothing had changed. She doesn't even have to tell me AM was drunk. Just getting the phone calls is all I need to know.

Kialua

This is really the truth. She is choosing this herself, find comfort in that it's not your doing. Take care of yourself and your new family, they need you more.

Set up computers with Skype or Facetime, if she can't travel, and she can "watch" your children grow. That's what my SIL does.

NWGRITS

I'm going to have to get my aunt to drag my grandmother to her house for Skype. AM will surely make up some reason as to why I won't let them talk to the kids, quack quack quack.