BirdieB

Hello and thank you to advance for all the wise posters on this page, I have been lurking a while, obtaining strength though others and the words written here have really helped me along.
My father has been an alcoholic my whole life. Hes has never been one of those mellow drinkers that sulks in a corner. Hes was the baby of the family and has always acted the part well, a big selfish baby. When I was in high school my grandmother paid to send him to one of the nicest rehab centers in the country bc he just couldnt bear to be "institutionalized" anywhere else. (she spoiled him her whole life, part of the problem im sure but thats another post.) He has been to multiple other rehabs though, also been arrested 4 or 5 times, and was jailed for DUI a few years back. That jail stint gave us what I now regard as the greatest gift, he remained sober for 3 years afterward. The first time in my life. We had always been close but grew closer in that time, I regarded him as a close friend as well as a parent during that time. Thats why its especially devastating to me he choose to resume drinking about 8 months ago, and has reached lows I never knew were there in the past 4 months. To sum it up My mother has left him and is staying with her elderly parents, hes been taken to the ER 5 times in the past 4 mo to detox. He refused rehab after each time. Last month he lost his insurance but a good friend of his arranged for a rehab center to take him anyhow. He left after 3 days, saying he didnt need it and would just go to AA meetings, He also was approved for an outpatient program after his last detox which he was thrown out of the first day for failing the breathalyzer. He is a cruel and crude jerk when drunk and Im amazed he had friends that tried to help him as hard as they did. However hes just about burned every bridge he had. Meanwhile during his downward spiral I was pregnant with my first baby (hes 5 weeks now) and just wanted to celebrate this time in my life, or at least not be upset all the time over his latest failed recovery and his latest lies. His current state is; unemployed, not insured, living alone in squalor from what i understand and drinking everyday. He has not seen my son except for when I let him come to the hospital which was not pleasant. This devastates me. I have told him that when he makes an effort to get well Ill accept him with open arms, but until then I have to keep my distance. He seemed to respect that until yesterday, he called me crying saying how lonely he was and that he "didnt understand why everyone had abandoned him." He went on and on about how could his family do this to him leaving him alone (hes never liked being alone and would love nothing more than for everyone to just put up with his drinking and stick around him). Then he tells me he is calling to say goodbye, he is throwing up blood and hasnt eaten for three days and that unless I give him a ride to the ER he thinks hes dying. Trips to the ER (which he just done the previous WEEK) is part of his cycle lately. He drinks till hes sick, declares an emergency and then when he feels stronger it starts all over again. Not to mention I live 45 minutes away and have an infant. He didnt bother to call me on my 30th birthday, but managed to pick up the phone for this. I told him I would call him a cab or an ambulance but I couldnt come over there. The conversation ended with him basically saying he couldnt believe me after all he had done for me etc. I know what a narcissist and manipulative person he has become and I know me taking him to detox would continue his cycle and allow him to manipulate me (trample over my boundaries and put my son in a situation I promised myself he would never be in, around the chaos of my father when hes drunk.) But I cant say I wasnt awake last night feeling so guilty that what if he was really dying and what kind of daughter wouldnt give her sick parent a ride to the hospital and I just dont know if Im doing the right thing. Ive pretty much accepted this thing is going to kill him and probably soon. He never apologizes or even seems to make a real effort. He seems just to be a scheming and selfish shell, I dont even see a glimmer that he TRULY wants to change, just make the situation more comfortable for him to drink in. I am sick over this and very sad and just dont know if I can handle another call like that. Should I call 911? Should I leave my son with my husband and go over there? My gut tells me to leave it to a HP but Im just so unsure. I miss him so much

LuvMySis

I'm so sorry, Birdie. My dad is an alcoholic, too. It's absolutely awful that someone else can make us feel so guilty about the consequences of their addiction, isn't it? If he wants to go to the ER, he'll find a way to get there. Try to relax and understand that this is out of your control. There are lots of great people here who will talk to you and answer your questions. You're not alone.

suki44883

Yes, I would call 911. I would NOT leave my infant son and go over there. If the situation is truly serious, the EMTs will know what to do. Leave him in the hands of the professionals. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You will find a lot of support here.

glenns

You see your father's alcoholism as a moral failing; that his "manipulations and scheming" are just symptoms of an overall larger moral failing.
Truth be told, your dad's alcoholism is a disease. I know you will likely never accept this fact--the fact that your dad's alcoholism is a disease--but it does not change the fact that your dad suffers from a disease. And while you have suffered as an adult child of an alcoholic (and continue to suffer), your father is the one who is suffering the most ("But noone suffers as much as the alcoholic himself." --Bill Wilson, cofounder of AA). His manipulations and scheming are just one set of symptoms (out of many) of the disease of alcoholism. If you can see his manipulations and neglect as symptoms of a disease rather than a mere moral failing, you will find it effortless to forgive him. But you're not ready to forgive someone who has a moral failing diguised as a bona-fide disease, now are you?

The trick is to expect and anticipate neglect (not calling you on important anniversaries, or making the effort to see your newborn). Neglect is a hallmark symptom of the disease. It has nothing to do with you! You think it does, but it doesn't! You consider it a great affront when he doesn't see your newborn, but he considers his ill-health brought upon by alcoholism the reason for not seeing your newborn. And when he sobers up, the suffering will become all the more acute, as he feels intense shame and guilt for not seeing your newborn. My, how the guilt and shame are intense when the alcoholic sobers up!

Your father apparently has no interest in putting his disease into remission. This means you must put up with your father the best way you know how, as he "blots out his intolerable situation as best he can" (Bill Wilson, BB of AA).

You, and the rest of the family, may either abandon him entirely, or show compassion and support. He isn't whining; he isn't seeking attention in your telephone conversations with him. It's your past and current resentments toward him that's telling you he's whining, or merely starving for attention. The reality of the matter is that he's lying and sweating on his bed, on the verge of having a grand mal seizure, because his disease brought him there.

Is he being a little melodramatic? Perhaps. But his melodrama doesn't escape the fact that he is still intensely suffering.

amy55

Birdie,

Hi and welcome. I know that your dad called you last night, but I can see that this is still bothering you. First off, I will say that I am proud of you for your response to your dad last night. Second, if it is still bothering you, then I would suggest for you and only for you, call him, if he is still the same way then call 911. In the future, do what you were going to do last night.

You don't need this crap with an infant.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

tromboneliness

Unfortunately, this is classic alcoholic/manipulative stuff. If he thinks he needs to go to the ER, he can pick his own phone and punch up 911 -- how hard is that? Saying "you have to come her and take me to the hospital" is manipulative BS.

A lot of alcoholics would rather die than give up booze -- that's hard to accept, but that's how they are. They manipulate everyone, lie, cheat, steal, repeat.

My Dad never gave up booze, and yours doesn't sound as if he's going to, either -- but there's nothing to feel guilty about, because someone else's drinking is not our doing.

T

Kialua

I cant speak for everyone here but I don't think forgiveness is the whole issue at all. I very much forgave my alcoholic father who drank till 80. But I still had a distanced relationship with him and that was the best I could do. That is the key, the best I could do.

• When you have children you can no longer drop them and run to the alcoholics side.

• When you have lived a lifetime with the emotional abuse from an alcoholic you can no longer be there for them and continue to function in your own life.

Of course we care, THAT IS WHY WE ARE IN TURMOIL. Not because we are unforgiving and don't care. But we come to a point that caring is destroying our minds and lives and we have to control it in order to live.

These are survival skills we have attained only through the necessity to be able to live. Without them we ourselves would be drunk, drugged or dead. These are not based on withholding forgiveness. These are based in life or death–ours. To be able to emotionally disconnect as advised in this above post, is a rare gift few are able to achieve.

BirdieB I would call 911 as well, without even telling him and keep him on the line till they get there if you can. My enabler mother put us through this same thing with hospital many times a year until her death at 97. We quit responding and told her to call 911 which she did. If you read my blog it explains how we just couldn't be put through the emotional hell anymore.

dbh

Dear BirdieB:

Thank you for posting and congratulations on the birth of your son.

I was able to relate to your post. My father was also an alcoholic and I remember him calling me at all hours of the night in a drunken stupor when I was pregnant with my son. It would get me so upset and I remember thinking how bad it was for the baby and me. I eventually decided that I had to look out for my/our health and went no contact with my dad for about two years.

We eventually started to communicate again, but I always found I had to keep him at a distance. I think I got to the point where I decided I wanted a better life for me and my children. I started seeing a therapist and eventually attended Al-Anon/ACA meetings. It helped me so much!

My father did need my help near the end of his life, but it was on my terms. I never put his needs above those of me and family. So many of the problems that he had near the end of his life were due to the poor choices he made and it wasn't my responsibility to fix them. I actually couldn't fix them if I want to.

I guess what I chose to do and what I found to be extremely healing for me is to focus on the things that I have some control over. I decided to put my energy into creating the healthiest immediate family I could. My husband and I both come from alcoholic homes and I sort of feel like we deserve to have a happy family after all the crap we put up with when we were children.

Take care of yourself, take care of your son, and pray for your dad.

Also, keep coming back!

db

dbh

I'm guessing that you're a recovering alcoholic glenns?

So many things in your post brought up anger in me that I had to respond directly to you. While I do accept that alcoholism is a disease, I absolutely DO NOT think that the alcoholic suffers the most! Do you actually have experience growing up with an alcoholic? It's no picnic for anyone involved, but it's particularly hard on children who can't even begin to understand why the people who are suppose to protect and care for them abuse them and put them in danger.

Yes, it's a diseased. Yes, I eventually forgave my father (I actually found the life that he ended up living to be pathetically sad). But, his disease does not excuse his actions. In my opinion, EVERYONE has to get to a point where they have to take responsibility for their own life and the choices that they are making. My father never took responsibility for his alcoholism. He died blaming other people for the mess that he made with his life.

I think that sometimes "showing compassion" means walking away. When you have addicts in your life having a front row seat watching them destroy themselves is just too much to handle. I viewed my father's alcoholism as a sinking ship. I could have went down with him or saved myself. I chose to save myself.

I'm actually happy with the life that I was able to make for myself so far. It's amazing when you think about how it started out.

My father died two years ago, but I like to think that he's proud of me and glad that things turned out the way they did. He wasn't able to conquer his daemons, but his children and hopefully grandchildren are doing what he wasn't able to.

Seriously, are you an ACA? I feel like this forum is a place where other ACA's can support each other and share their experience, strength, and hope. I've already gotten enough lectures from alcoholics for one lifetime!

Thank you for letting me share.

db

tromboneliness

Ya, I feel the same way, pretty much.

The thing is, alcoholism is a disease. Being an ******* isn't. Certain people's physiology is different from "normies," in terms of how their brain and liver respond to alcohol. OK, fine -- that's the physiological disease part of being an alkie. That part, Bill W. and Dr. Bob knew -- and more recent research has confirmed and quantified.

But the other part -- their rage, lying, denial, control, manipulation, insecurity, hostility, and overall abominable behavior -- they are not getting a free pass for that just because it's a disease. That stuff is just being an *******, which is not a disease.

That said, yes, I need to let go of my anger -- true enough. As my favorite 12-step speaker says, "Forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past." I'm still working on that part -- now that my Dad is long gone, he's certainly not going to get a program all of a sudden and apologize for... everything he put us through. If he were still here, he'd still be just as Superior™ as always, I'm sure. And frankly, I don't think he even suffered much, if at all -- he lived to be 90, and enjoyed pretty good health right up 'til a few months before he died... we should all have to endure such suffering!

Anyhow, this is all a process, your mileage may vary, and I'm not where I want to be yet. That's why I keep coming back!

T

BirdieB

Thank you for the replies, there are nuggets of helpful perspective in each one. The next day I found out my father somehow found a ride to another detox location. He may have taken a cab. He will likely be discharged any day to start the cycle over as chances are very slim he will accept any 28 day program beyond that. Although I will continue to detach with love as best I can muster, I have to admit I always feel at peace the days I know he is contained somewhere; alive sober and with a sliver of hope this will be the time something finally clicks.
glenns, although I dont claim to always be in touch with how exactly my upbringing has affected who I am, resentment or anger are not the emotions that are bubbling at the surface. Sadness, just profound...sadness is all I consciously feel. Sadness for the loss of our relationship, sadness at the wonderful man Im losing and the one my son will likely never know and sadness at the filthy and destitute way his life will likely end, an unhappy and unfulfilled end. There is no room for anger anymore.

EveningRose

Well-said, dbh and tromboneliness.

tomsteve

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future