Chimmy

So she is still drinking, more heavily now than before, my Grandad pops in on her everyday whereas my sister and I don't have anything to do with her when she is drinking.

My Grandad told me she is trying really hard to stop, she won't stop crying and doesn't know what to do. She won't see a doctor, she has now stopped eating. She ahs been drinking for 5 weeks now.

My Sister and I are going over on Sunday - obviously the no contact isn't helping matters, so we are going to just go over - seperately so we don't spook her, and talk to her, let her know we love her and we are waiting for her to get better.

I'm not really sure what to do, if she isn't eating especially isn't good. last time when she went to rehab she was treated for Anorexia as well as the alcoholism. I'm really scared that she can't get out of this hole and that she could die.

I really miss my Mum. I'm not actually that upset this time, I don't have the feelings of responsibility or guilt which is a step forward. I just want my Mum to be better. I know going over probably won't be a magic cure that will stop her drinking, but it might perk her up a bit and at least she knows we care and that she isn't alone. Plus I get to see her. Also my Grandad said there is something she wants to tell me. (I think I know what this is, my Sister spoke to my Gdad last week and apparently my Mum has been going on about getting a hip replacement even though she has never complained about hip pain or anything, just another of her lies to explain why she is drinking)

What a mess alcohol is!

Any advise on any practical solutions, ie whether I should look into getting her put into forced rehab would be very much appreciated. I can understand the drinking, but the not eating is something that deeply worries me. (I'm in the UK)

Mracoa

It's difficult to watch someone you love go through such struggles. If she is making overatures that she want's to stop drinking, that's at least a glimmer of a possiblity of hope. But prepare yourself for a long road.

When my dad was drinking and taking drugs, he started proffessing that he wanted to quit on several occasions. I feel that his 'false starts' with rehab were not very sincere attempts. I think he feared my brother and I going no contact, and he feared losing his job. I don't think he really wanted to stop. So, of course those attempts are not going to work. The addict has to have a true desire to stop. So, I dont' think a forced rehab could be successful (if such a thing is even legal).

It was nearly 15 years later before he checked himself in at a 60 day in-patient rehab and actually cleaned up. I was no contact with him for a few years before he went into the in patient program. During rehab he learned the 12 steps and after he was out he reached out to apologize. He still isn't a 'great' dad. But he is tolerable now. I just take him in small doses.

Chimmy

I called an alcohol addiction help-line last night, and they told me my only options are private care (possibly on referral) or AA.

When my Mum last went to AA her drinking got worse, she was shocked at everyone elses stories and though her drinking wasn't that bad, and she picked up tips like drinking vodka so people couldn't smell the alcohol on her breath, thing is you can see it straight away and she has a smell like nail varnish remover when she is on a binge so that doens't work! She is convinced AA made her worse - as I am sure many other alcoholics think when they don't want to give up. Plus when she is sober she doesn't feel like she needs any help and she is fine.

I don't want to force her into anything, obviously the best thing all round is for her to get better on her own, I just worry that if she isn't eating she is going to kill herself, and I am dreading seeing her at the weekend, she gets so thin, her spine pops out of her back, and when she isnt eating her skin flakes off and her hair is greasey and its so far from my sober Mum who takes pride in her apperance. The easiest thing would be not to see her.

I spoke to my Gdad last night again and he said all she needs is some affection, noone comes to see her, which is so unfair, I work full time and I go over every weekend to see her, unless I have plans - which isn't that often, but I need to see my friends etc (my friends live far away so to see them is a whole weekend affair). And my sister doesn't go over much but Mum never really asks her to. I think my Gdad needs to go to Al-anon really. He goes over there everyday, doesn't nag her or shout at her, and it gives her an outlet to get attention.

Sorry for all the long posts, its good to get this off my chest to people that understand. I constantly check for replies in case someone has a quick fix, but there isnt really such a thing! I'm just so scared to loose my Mum to alcohol. We never had a relationship when I grew up, it wasn't until she sobered up for 3 years that we started getting on and everytime she binges its like loosing her all over again.

Kialua

You're right there is no quick fix. My Dad drank till he was 80 and was a jerk the whole time. (you can read my blog if you like) Doesn't sound like your Mom will last that long if she doesn't decide to stop herself. I'm sorry for that. But you are also right that posting here does help. We do understand like no one else can.

Chimmy

Thank you,

You're blog - I don't believe you - I really related to it, it is exactly how I am.

I think really all we can do is enjoy Mum when she is sober and make the best of that time we have together, she is 60 this year, and I can't see her changing any time soon.

Kialua

Chimmy, we are all so much alike, that is what makes this a safe place to vent and just relate. I'm glad you can see you are not alone. We may be isolated in our life and families but we are not alone.

I started making the blog here after some interesting threads. I've never been much of a writer of any kind and didn't feel any need to write out anything. I've heard others say how cathartic it is to write your thoughts but never really thought it would help me. But it has been surprisingly helpful in sorting things out and I recommend writing one. I did option out of comments on it, just wanting to think out loud there and not distracted. I'm glad it helped a bit.

dbh

Dear Chimmy:

I am so sorry for what you and your sister are going through.

My father was the alcoholic in my life and I can relate to a lot of what you have posted.

My dad was never able to give up alcohol and he ended up passing away two years ago at the age of 72. I went through so many different phases of how I felt about him and his drinking - anger, quilt, embarrassment, frustrations, sadness, ... I eventually got to a place of acceptance.

There truly is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING we can do to get someone to stop drinking if they don't want to stop.

"No contact" isn't about helping the alcoholic, it's about giving ourselves some distance and peace.

I eventually did distance myself from my father. I sort of felt like he could live how he wanted, but I wasn't going to let him take me down with him. It was bad enough I had to spend my childhood with an alcoholic father.

I think spending time with friends is EXACTLY what you should be doing. Focus on you and healing yourself.

Al-Anon would probably help your grandfather, but just like we can't help the alcoholic, we can't help the people who are codependent. The relationships that I had with the members of my family of origin were extremely dysfunctional. I found that I had to distance myself from them too or I would continue to get pulled into the drama and chaos. It's sad, but I did it to save my own life.

Have you or your sister tried Al-Anon? Meetings and therapy helped me a lot.

I have no experience with anorexia.

Sending you positive thoughts across the Atlantic!

Hugs,

db

NWGRITS

No sense in repeating all that, so I'm just going to nod my head in agreement. Sending good thoughts your way!