Visitation With Kids
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Visitation With Kids
I've posted this in a couple other places, but wanted to get your opinions since you were the kids who went through visiting (or not) with an addicted parent. Maybe some of you all wished it would have been supervised....or maybe the opposite?
My AH currently has supervised visits with our kids, ages 2 and 4. He's been on methadone for 2 weeks. He wants me to think about letting him have unsupervised visits. I'm really not comfortable with this but I also have no experience with methadone. Also, should he be driving with the kids (and the other adult supervisor)? I don't think he should....especially since I found out that if someone is pulled over after leaving the methadone clinic, they can get a DUI. If that's the case, they certainly should not be driving kids around.
I appreciate comments both for and against supervised visits in this situation. I'm leaning towards keeping them supervised for a few months but I just don't know if I'm being "fair" or "unreasonable."
My AH currently has supervised visits with our kids, ages 2 and 4. He's been on methadone for 2 weeks. He wants me to think about letting him have unsupervised visits. I'm really not comfortable with this but I also have no experience with methadone. Also, should he be driving with the kids (and the other adult supervisor)? I don't think he should....especially since I found out that if someone is pulled over after leaving the methadone clinic, they can get a DUI. If that's the case, they certainly should not be driving kids around.
I appreciate comments both for and against supervised visits in this situation. I'm leaning towards keeping them supervised for a few months but I just don't know if I'm being "fair" or "unreasonable."
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
As an alcoholic - all I can honestly say is that you need to trust your instincts. My opinion is that God gave us instincts so that He could tell us what the right thing to do is. Ultimately (again in my opinion) it's not you or your AH that's the issue here. It's the safety and wellfare of your children.
As a father of 2 boys that never had the misfortune of experiencing my drinking, but were prevented from seeing me by a mother that had issues of her own, I can only say that, in my opinion, you shouldn't totally cut the father off. That being said - I'm not there. I don't know your situation. Protect your children.
As a father of 2 boys that never had the misfortune of experiencing my drinking, but were prevented from seeing me by a mother that had issues of her own, I can only say that, in my opinion, you shouldn't totally cut the father off. That being said - I'm not there. I don't know your situation. Protect your children.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
As an adult child of a father who was addicted and an alcholoic, I urge you to remain cautious.
My parents divorced when I was 10. My brother (11 at the time) and I visited with my father every other weekend and 2 weeks over the summer.
I have very mixed feelings about that time in my life. I'm glad I still had a relationship with my father. But, that relationship caused a lot of harm. He loved us very much. However, as an addict, he couldn't take care of himself, let alone my brother and I. We learned very quickly that we would have to take care of him when we visited.
When I was 13, and my brother 14, we also started using with our father. By 15 I was smoking pot nearly every day.
At 17 I knew I had a problem, and didn't want to repeat my father's mistakes. I stopped using and went no contact with my father for six years. During that time he sobered up. I met a girl and got married. We started to talk once or twice a year. Now we get together every father's day. it's a strained relationship, but my kids get to see thier grandfather. He is a much better grandfather than he ever was a father.
I'm glad I 'knew' my father. But, i feel if the visits had been monitored better, it would have been safer for my brother and I. Luckily neither of us was ever hurt or abused. But, we were put in some very dangerous situations very early in life.
I like Fred's comment about trusting your instincts. You know him, and you know what's best for you children. One suggestion could be making sobriety a condition for unsupervised visits. It sounds like he is trying, so that's good. I'm also sure he hurt you very much. Your childern deserve to have thier father in thier life. But do your best to protect them from the pain an addict can cause.
Even if you know he loves them, he can do a lot of harm to thier self esteem and ability to form relationships. I'm 42 years old, and still struggle with strong emotions and dsyfunctional behaviours that were formed during that part of my life.
My parents divorced when I was 10. My brother (11 at the time) and I visited with my father every other weekend and 2 weeks over the summer.
I have very mixed feelings about that time in my life. I'm glad I still had a relationship with my father. But, that relationship caused a lot of harm. He loved us very much. However, as an addict, he couldn't take care of himself, let alone my brother and I. We learned very quickly that we would have to take care of him when we visited.
When I was 13, and my brother 14, we also started using with our father. By 15 I was smoking pot nearly every day.
At 17 I knew I had a problem, and didn't want to repeat my father's mistakes. I stopped using and went no contact with my father for six years. During that time he sobered up. I met a girl and got married. We started to talk once or twice a year. Now we get together every father's day. it's a strained relationship, but my kids get to see thier grandfather. He is a much better grandfather than he ever was a father.
I'm glad I 'knew' my father. But, i feel if the visits had been monitored better, it would have been safer for my brother and I. Luckily neither of us was ever hurt or abused. But, we were put in some very dangerous situations very early in life.
I like Fred's comment about trusting your instincts. You know him, and you know what's best for you children. One suggestion could be making sobriety a condition for unsupervised visits. It sounds like he is trying, so that's good. I'm also sure he hurt you very much. Your childern deserve to have thier father in thier life. But do your best to protect them from the pain an addict can cause.
Even if you know he loves them, he can do a lot of harm to thier self esteem and ability to form relationships. I'm 42 years old, and still struggle with strong emotions and dsyfunctional behaviours that were formed during that part of my life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Faithlove 
My AH currently has supervised visits with our kids, ages 2 and 4. He's been on methadone for 2 weeks.... I'm leaning towards keeping them supervised for a few months but I just don't know if I'm being "fair" or "unreasonable."
T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. Until recently, I was really naive and thought that as long as our kids didn't actually see him ingesting the drugs, they wouldn't be affected by his addiction. I'm learning how very wrong I was. Now that he's gone, our home life is so so much better.
His parents supervise his visits. He gets to visit with them every other weekend and on Wednesday evenings. If it's a Wed before he gets them for the weekend, it's for a few hours; if it's a Wed before I get them for the weekend, it's overnight until Thursday. I don't feel like I'm keeping his kids from him. I do think having his parents supervise is the least restrictive environment for the kids and him.
After reading your posts and posts from others in a couple other different groups, I'm sticking to my guns and thanks to all of you, I won't feel guilty about it.
His parents supervise his visits. He gets to visit with them every other weekend and on Wednesday evenings. If it's a Wed before he gets them for the weekend, it's for a few hours; if it's a Wed before I get them for the weekend, it's overnight until Thursday. I don't feel like I'm keeping his kids from him. I do think having his parents supervise is the least restrictive environment for the kids and him.
After reading your posts and posts from others in a couple other different groups, I'm sticking to my guns and thanks to all of you, I won't feel guilty about it.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by Kialua
But I have to offer this: his parents raised him, are they trustworthy?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
Visitation With Kids
It's very easy in a divorce or separation to get lost in the division of things. I get this; you get that; I want this; you want that. It starts to seem as though you are carving up every last piece of your life. When you work on creating a parenting plan, you are also dividing up time.Often parents get locked in a struggle over who will get more time with the child. Doing so loses sight of the fact that a child needs both parents.:rotfxko
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Well I don't think that the kids need an alcoholic father in their life period. Just my biased opinion from having had one. Emotionally and physically I would have been way better off without mine. Err on the side of the kids well being. If the af really wants them in his life he will move heaven and hell to get better and jump through all the appropriate hoops to prove it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: The Great Southwest
Posts: 3
I'd like to try to offer a little of my story as well - my first post!
As far as I can see - methadone isn't always bad - my father is actually quitting that too after about 10 years of heroin use and maybe three of methadone. I unfortunately still have doubts as I've learned to doubt all of what he says but I've never seen him "messed up" while on methadone, only sick or at least just not feeling "well" if he didn't take enough to carry him through the night or what not to avoid withdrawal symptoms. My mother decided she wanted to take less than the clinic prescribed and she didn't make it through a few months, back to the bottle... and whatever else she does?
I do agree with the idea of not punishing him by not letting him see his kids but addiction is a disease I guess - maybe it can help us to think of it as somewhat contagious. Sort of like second hand smoke? Even though the kids won't get it from him right now or hopefully ever, they could certainly be affected by it whether he's recovering and clean or not.
Anyway - I'm glad your kids are so young right now. You do have the power to decide what is best for them and I'd urge you to be cautious if you're ever worried!
There's probably nothing wrong with giving the situation more time - give him a chance to become the best possible father, every dad is different, during recovery (but not too many chances, however many that may be) and don't take steps forward if you're not sure how you feel about the present.
I wish this post didn't sound so "you should" and "try this" but my parents only divorced a year ago and I was raised by them both until I moved out, two addicts, so I'm not sure how visitation and separation really affects the home personally. I do know it's tough having addict parents full time so you're already setting a good example for them. Let your kids know their father even if he is a bad example (if he ever relapses or moves to a different addiction) so they'll understand!
A bad example is sometimes the best way to learn a good lesson - don't let yourself be the bad guy by taking dad away (safety and happiness of your children first of course), kids are smart they'll know what's really going on if there's a problem and they'll understand if there is a "bad guy" and why. But hopefully his methadone use and recovery will go well so they may never see that side of it
As far as I can see - methadone isn't always bad - my father is actually quitting that too after about 10 years of heroin use and maybe three of methadone. I unfortunately still have doubts as I've learned to doubt all of what he says but I've never seen him "messed up" while on methadone, only sick or at least just not feeling "well" if he didn't take enough to carry him through the night or what not to avoid withdrawal symptoms. My mother decided she wanted to take less than the clinic prescribed and she didn't make it through a few months, back to the bottle... and whatever else she does?
I do agree with the idea of not punishing him by not letting him see his kids but addiction is a disease I guess - maybe it can help us to think of it as somewhat contagious. Sort of like second hand smoke? Even though the kids won't get it from him right now or hopefully ever, they could certainly be affected by it whether he's recovering and clean or not.
Anyway - I'm glad your kids are so young right now. You do have the power to decide what is best for them and I'd urge you to be cautious if you're ever worried!
There's probably nothing wrong with giving the situation more time - give him a chance to become the best possible father, every dad is different, during recovery (but not too many chances, however many that may be) and don't take steps forward if you're not sure how you feel about the present.
I wish this post didn't sound so "you should" and "try this" but my parents only divorced a year ago and I was raised by them both until I moved out, two addicts, so I'm not sure how visitation and separation really affects the home personally. I do know it's tough having addict parents full time so you're already setting a good example for them. Let your kids know their father even if he is a bad example (if he ever relapses or moves to a different addiction) so they'll understand!
A bad example is sometimes the best way to learn a good lesson - don't let yourself be the bad guy by taking dad away (safety and happiness of your children first of course), kids are smart they'll know what's really going on if there's a problem and they'll understand if there is a "bad guy" and why. But hopefully his methadone use and recovery will go well so they may never see that side of it
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I know that not every situation is the same - not every person that suffers from this disease, not every child is affected the same by an A parent ~
but I can share my e, s, & h - which comes from being a child of an A, a wife (& now an ex wife) and a parent of an A - which that adult child's child now lives with me full time.
So I see how 4 generations are affected by this disease - I saw it as a child, wife, parent and now my grandchild ~
It hurts a child not to see their parent - it hurts a child for a parent to be in & out of their life ~ it hurts a child to see their parent under the influence of drugs/alcohol ~ it hurts a child when the two people (Mom & Dad) who are suppose to give them that unconditional love & Support are unable to do so
Protecting the child; giving the child the skills & tools to deal with the reality of their life, and sharing a lot of healthy compassion can help them to be prepared to deal with this ~
It's a tough road - but there is help for them & you as you walk it ~
wishing you & your little ones the best
PINK HUGS,
Rita
but I can share my e, s, & h - which comes from being a child of an A, a wife (& now an ex wife) and a parent of an A - which that adult child's child now lives with me full time.
So I see how 4 generations are affected by this disease - I saw it as a child, wife, parent and now my grandchild ~
It hurts a child not to see their parent - it hurts a child for a parent to be in & out of their life ~ it hurts a child to see their parent under the influence of drugs/alcohol ~ it hurts a child when the two people (Mom & Dad) who are suppose to give them that unconditional love & Support are unable to do so
Protecting the child; giving the child the skills & tools to deal with the reality of their life, and sharing a lot of healthy compassion can help them to be prepared to deal with this ~
It's a tough road - but there is help for them & you as you walk it ~
wishing you & your little ones the best
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Easy does it folks. Provide only your personal experience with the original question. Other people's motives are not the subject of this discussion so kindly follow the rules and just post your personal experience.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Mike
Moderator, SR
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
