olecranon

Firstly, I want to write that it's difficult for me to talk about my problems to anyone because every time I have ever reached out for support in this way, I was reprimanded and told that my issues were unimportant. It really shut me down and discouraged me from seeking any sort of help. All I really want to do is say some of this stuff to somebody without being looked down upon.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear before I begin. Every single solitary problem in my life is either directly or indirectly caused by alcohol and this goes for my parents too. I don't know if I should give my whole life story or what but the basic rundown is that I'm an only child and both of my parents have been alcoholics (and to a certain extent, drug users) since before I was born. For as long as I can remember, I have been living in fear of alcohol. I always thought to myself that if I had a sibling or other close family member to at least share the burden with me, it would have been so much easier than having to shoulder that kind of weight alone as a child.

The thing that hurt me the most was the fighting and screaming that accompanied alcohol consumption. My mom is by far the worst of the two in this regard. She would often yell and scream and cuss right in front of me when I was just a little kid (and again, since both my parents were drunks and I had no siblings, I had to deal with it alone). I remember once watching a comedian joke about how he wanted to yell at his wife but couldn't because the kids were there and feeling sick at the thought of it. My mother certainly didn't have that kind of concern for my emotional health.

As I mentioned, whenever I'd try to voice my discontent to her, she would downplay my feelings and try to make it out like what I'm saying is unimportant. As a little kid, I couldn't contest that because she was my mother and I didn't know better but looking back on it now, from an adult perspective, it was a disgusting and inexcusable attempt to manipulate a child into taking her side. Most of my anger stems from her.

My parents' drinking often drew lowlife gutter scum to my house to party. It's like my parents were a magnet for trouble. I would always warn them to keep away from these people and not once, not even one time did they heed my warning (and this continues to this day). They would often have things stolen and other such insanity because of their poor judgment. It was a terrible atmosphere for a child (or hell, a terrible atmosphere for anyone).

Though I was a bright kid, I began failing in school because of depression. I also was so withdrawn that I lost the ability to make friends. I don't know how much I should specify but I began to really hate life and everyone in it. I've never been so full of rage as I was as a teenager and to be honest, I think it's a miracle that I didn't hurt anyone. I only have a fraction of that anger now but it's still an unhealthy amount. It sickens me when I hear people say "these are the best years of your life" in regards to childhood because they were far and away the worst years of mine.

I've tried talking to people outside my family about my feelings and as I mentioned, I was berated or belittled for it. Often, they think that I'm just being uptight and that I'm a party pooper which further disgusts and enrages me. Since I'm college age, most of my peers seem to think that parties and alcohol are great. My culture and society depicts alcohol as a classy, adult thing to do and I can't stress enough how angry this attitude makes me.

There is more but I'm getting tired and figured I'd pull this to an end. Alcohol has caused me irreparable emotional harm that afflicts me to this day. My life has always revolved around alcohol despite the fact that I have never and will never drink. It should probably go without saying but I hate alcohol more than anything. I hate it so much that all of the words in the world couldn't adequately describe my feelings towards it. When I see alcohol commercials on tv or see people drinking casually or talking about alcohol lightheartedly, I feel extreme anger and disgust. I guess I just figured that people here might be able to understand and maybe even relate. I may post more some other time, we'll see.

DavidG

Hi there,
here is another dimension to that closing down which you might share with me, or might not. I took on confidences from both of my parents at various times... I think at the time it made me feel big and powerful...

...on top of all the other stuff it was a big burden. It hurt. It was family business, therefore private business.

I learned that personal sharing was hurtful to others. The way I was made I DID NOT want this to happen to others.

And so I clammed up. It was really hard to prize open the shell.

But here I am... I have not laid the world waste with my cares and concerns- far from it...:rotfxko


A nice share...


David G.

OhBoy

Hi olecranon!
Welcome aboard! You found a great place to say ANYTHING YOU WANT & we'll understand! I know how hard it is to try & open up to someone & then they just don't get it. Especially at college age, no one is going to get it. I found that people who don't understand what is like to live with alcoholism, especially grow up with it, are absolutely clueless! I think my dog understands more than some of my friends! My friends are great people, but they have no idea why I react the way I do when I talk about alcoholics. It's like alcoholism doesn't exist in their world. Boy wouldn't I like to live in that world!

Alcoholism is all consuming. All of the big problems in my life have been because of alcohol. A good percentage of the smaller ones as well but I got a few years on ya so I've had the chance to have more problems haha! They call alcoholism the family disease because it affects the whole family. But it also needs the family. It needed you to give your parents another reason to drink. It's so horrible how it uses people. It will use them until there is nothing left to use & then toss you aside. But it's funny, it gives you just enough to keep you around, it manipulates you so it can use you anytime it likes.

I understand your anger. It is probably the most natural reaction to have. But it sounds like you realize that it's not helping you. It's great that you found the courage to post here, it was tough for me to post for the first time. It became "real" then. For me, when I realized i had no control over my alcoholics drinking, it set a lot of my anger free. It took me a while to get it, but if I'm angry, the A will drink. If I'm depressed the A will drink. If I'm happy, the A will drink. So why not try my best to be happy? They're gonna drink no matter what I do! They're going to act bat **** crazy & find chaos wherever they can so I have to do my best not to give it to them & what I get out of it is not being caught up in their chaos. Alcoholics cannot live without chaos. The disease needs it. Even if they step outside of it for a moment, they cannot stay there. They have to return to it.

I have been going to Alanon & it has helped restore most of my sanity. I still have to work on the rest! It is a place for people like us affected by alcohol. Trust me, they will understand you. There are many who have been/are in your situation & it is a safe place to share it all. It is nice to be in a place where people "get it".

Keep posting, keep sharing. Reading your post helped me as well. We're here to lean on.
OhBoy

kudzujean

Boy, could I ever relate to that! Nobody would ever listen to me--they just poo-pood what I said, invalidated me, told me to shut up---until I got into ACOA. I was way an adult then. Before that, everyone--family, friends, boyfriends, etc., acted scandalized, embarrassed, etc.

It was like I was the Bad Guy for talking about my late-stage alcoholic father's behavior and abuse. He got a free pass for everything he did/said, and a lot of it wasn't pretty.

You and me both....I feel like my young years were wasted.

12-Step programs--ACOA and later Al Anon, changed my life and made it worth living. Also some counseling helped, especially group therapy, which (sadly, IMO) is hard to find these days.

I suggest you give Al Anon and counseling a try. My best to you!

EveningRose

Here is the place to start talking. I would guess everyone here can relate similar stories. I, myself, was told I was imagining things. In fact, I'm in my mid-40s and my mother is still going around telling other people that I imagine things!

I was told that I had a persecution complex and nobody was out to get me, that if I would just change my ways and quite being such a scew-up, all would be well. Essentially, I was told everything was really my fault and I was just looking for ways to blame other people instead of acknowledging it and fixing myself.

Here, you'll find people who understand. Welcome.

Kialua

Please don't think that this is irreparable. It's not, you can thrive and be happy. It may not seem possible now but I am here to tell you that yes it is possible. I had a terrible childhood much like yours, plus being beat daily by my alcoholic dad till I was 18. I survived and I thrived. I have a great life now. I moved on, forgave them whether they deserved it or not and found my new life. My dad never stopped drinking until he was incarcerated at 80 years old. Nothing I could say or do made one bit of difference with his alcoholism. But I released it and lived my life to the fullest. Please feel free to read my blogs if you like. I tell my stories of childhood.

One thing that may be of interest to you is that even though I was one of six children we never relied on each other or were close friends. Our parents played one against the other and lived in fear with no closeness. Throughout out adult lives we were/are never close. If anything it feels even worse than not having siblings when I have five siblings that I don't know or am involved with.