interrupted

I love this forum. I had no idea this even existed, ACoA, the support for this thing, that it was even a thing, I feel like a HUGE weight is being lifted just reading the resources.

I started over in Friends and Family - then found myself here, understanding that my family roles, my roles, are much deeper rooted than I realized. Except for one thing: I think I'm backwards.

Growing up, I knew my dad drank a lot, I don't know if I ever identified him as an alcoholic, necessarily, but the whole family drank so much who could ever tell? When my grandmother died I decided that the way to tell that someone was an alcoholic was if the hospital had to put alcohol in your IV to keep you from detoxing while your body was in a coma. I didn't even know that was done, but it is. That was my dad's mom. My dad will need that also, he is an alcoholic. Highly functioning, which always makes it seem less insidious, I guess. I know now that there are better measures than the IV, but I digress.

The backwards part is that I always liked him much more as a drunk. I was afraid of him until he was drunk. We had a great relationship when he was talkative and drinking and happy - before that part of every day he was nasty and terrifying. Hurtful, even. So I read that most kids hate when their parents get drunk, and I do dislike when my mom is sloppy drunk, but even to this day I have no idea how to be around my dad unless he is drinking. I prefer him drunk. That is so terrible to say. I'm 35 and I don't like my dad unless he is drinking. Jeez.

I know that can't be real, but I'm just getting started, so everything is still kinda tangled up, you know? Anyway, you guys are all so awesome, thanks for listening.

Kialua

Yeah that is different. Though with my alcoholic Dad he was terrifying both sober and drunk. He had no redeeming minutes so you're one up on me!

DesertEyes

Hello there interrupted, and welcome to our quiet little corner of recovery

Yup, here we are Glad you found us.

well.... nowadays they use various types of barbiturates, they are easier to control dosage wise and have less side effects when used for detox.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, the "functioning" is a stage of the disesase, not a type.

One thing you will notice as you take a little time to browse around here is that we all felt "different" in some way. "Backwards" is just another form of feeling different from other people. You will find that lots of folks prefered their parents drunk, for the exact reasons you mention. Basically, whichever part was the most harmful is the part a child likes the least. Some drunks are happy, funny when drunk, others are not.

The details of our history are all different as each "toxic family" has it's own peculiarities and we are all unique human beings. Where we are all the same is in the _pain_ that we endured in that environment and in "emotional scars" from which we have to heal.

Yes, it is terrible. It is terrible because alcoholism is a terrible disease and that is the kind of damage it does to a family.

If it is real to _you_ then that is all that matters. You will find that we are a very accepting bunch

Oh yes. The terminology is quite different, it does take some reading and processing to get the hang of it.

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us

Mike
Moderator, SR

farfaraway

I was happy also to find this part of SR. I also never knew what ACoA was. I always assumed that I grew up around addiction, did not become one and so I am "fine". But as I read I can see that much of my personality and family dynamic fits a profile of a sort. I'm not sure who I would be if it weren't for addiction in my life and it is unsettling.

My father stopped drinking a long time ago, but when he was drunk, he didn't come home. He never drank at home, and sometimes he'd be gone for days. When he was home he would be angry and scary. After he stopped drinking he just stayed angry and scary. Abusive as well. And I used to wish he were gone/drunk.

I sense that he's sort of sorry now that his kids are all grown up and don't want anything to do with him. But the damage is done, and for me it would be too awkward and not really worth to try to mend fences. I needed my parents 20 years ago, not anymore.

tromboneliness

This is how I felt about my Dad, too, at times. Probably a surprise to you guys, given how angry I usually sound toward my Dad -- and I am, but when he was drunk and he and I were alone, he was often much more friendly... I hate to say "loving," because that's not exactly it, but I have to admit, he got kind of sloppy and sentimental about his son, when he was three sheets to the wind. I don't remember him being like that when anyone else was around, but when it was just him and me, he was a happy drunk.

T

OhBoy

I can see how some drunks are easier to be around while drinking. Some are absolutely miserable when they're not drinking. I think there can be a lot of anxiety & guilt for the alcoholic when not drinking. For some I'm sure it's hard to deal with all that. The drinking makes it better, at least while they're drinking. When they stop, it returns again, building & building. It must be horribly confusing to them, knowing that it is killing them but unable to stop it, so I can empathize with them. That being said it didn't screw me up any less!

My father was nice for the most part when he was drinking. From what remember, that was all the time so I can't really remember what he was like in sober moments. He would just kind of fade away before our eyes. He would be in & out of consciousness. By the time I became aware I'm sure he had decreased alcoholic tolerance, where his body couldn't keep up & his tolerance actually goes down. It's a sign of late stage alcoholism. Luckily he did recover & worked his recovery until he passed. Funny how things come back to you as an adult, I never realized most of the stuff I'm discovering now.
OhBoy

dbh

My dad was often fun to be around when he was drinking. He would tell jokes and be the life of the party. Everyone (outside of our immediate family) loved to be around him.

There was a tipping point though were the "fun" dad would turn into this spiteful and cursing monster. That's was our signal to hide. So confusing for a young child to understand.

Later in life, when my father moved to a senior home he couldn't drink anymore and he was so anxious. Just couldn't sit still. They had to give him anti-anxiety meds to calm him down.

Granted, developing dementia and needing to could have been the cause of his anxiety. But it truly made me wonder if the alcohol abused was an attempt to self-medicate his underlying anxiety.

I'll never know.

db

EveningRose

Interesting discussion. I can remember my dad being particularly cheerful a couple of times when he was drunk, but mostly, it seemed to me, he came home from work, had three drinks, and went to sleep on the couch in front of Star Trek. He never seemed to be particularly different before or after drinking. I don't remember him really being 'drunk' up until about 18 months ago (and I'm in my mid 40s) during a phone call which I posted about here, in which he sounded drunk by 10:30 in the morning. Does that mean he's leaving the functional stage of the disease finally, in his 70s?

To me, he was never terrifying. In fact we had plenty of good moments. But there were a few eruptions and looking back, it's the constant criticism and fault-finding, the constant need for controlling everyone around him, for being in absolute charge, for knowing everything about everything and refusing, ever, to listen or give anyone else a chance to have a different opinion--sort of a kinder, gentler Darth Vader, you will do as I saw, not now, but three minutes ago, or else,that stand out, and that have finally ruined our relationship.

interrupted

I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone. I feel awful for essentially wishing he would drink more when I was a kid, because I didn't really understand what was going on all I knew was that he was my friend when he was drunk.

When he was not drinking he was extremely controlling and nothing was EVER good enough for him. He's very intelligent and he has unobtainable standards for everybody *else*. I'm sure that sounds familiar to almost all of you.

He is still highly functioning, but I have to assume that just as happened with his mother, he will eventually be drinking for breakfast. I think retirement will probably kill him because of this. That makes me sad, but I'm trying to practice the same 3Cs awareness that I use with my heroin addict sister. What a crazy world we live in, eh?

Cheers to all of you, your responses mean a lot, I like sharing, it feels good.

EveningRose

The unattainable standards...yes!

It's one of the reasons I finally broke contact. I was given impossible hoops to jump through and told if I did those, then maybe people wouldn't scream at me at holidays.

REALLY???

(I pointed out that I did not scream at any of them and was told that's because none of them are annoying. It's almost laughable at this point, that an adult could really think like that. We all annoy others sometimes.)

PlasticInsanity

You're not alone - many kids relate to the parent more when they're drunk.

I was confused. My dad was irritable, crabby & short tempered when he was sober. But happy, joking, and obnoxious when he was drunk. I hated him sober and drunk.