PaperxDollz

My dad died almost 3 weeks ago from alcoholism. He had bleeding from a hole in his stomach and other complications. He'd been battling alcoholism for so many years. He knew it was a disease and he knew all the dangers, but he just kept getting drawn back in. He was taken so young and it's just not fair. I don't know what to feel anymore. I was so angry at him for putting me and my family through his disease, but now I wish I had tried harder. I feel like I wasn't around him alot towards the end. Which I know is true because of the distance, the fact that I'm a young adult, and the big factor of his drinking. I'm just so confused. I don't know who to talk to about all this. Should I see a counsler? Should I go to al-anon even though he's gone? I can't stop crying.

OhBoy

What a tough thing to have to deal with, I'm so sorry you have to. My father passed about 2 years ago from liver cancer. He was sober for many years, but it did eventually catch up to him. I don't think I could have been there in the end if he wasn't sober.

Being angry is a normal reaction. He put you through hell & now he's gone leaving you with all those feelings & emotions, uugggh! Be easy on yourself, you did the best you could. For me it is impossible to give everything I have to an active alcoholic. They'll take the life right out of you.

Alanon has helped resolve some of the confused feelings I had (have). Try to remember YOU could NOT do anything about his disease. The 3 C's help me a lot.
I didn't CAUSE it.
I cannot CONTROL it.
I can't CURE it.

Just like you couldn't cure his bleeding stomach, you couldn't cure his alcoholism. He was the only person who could do anything about HIS disease.
It sounds like he knew the risks, that was HIS decision, & you couldn't do anything about it.

My heart goes out to you. Be easy on yourself.
OhBoy

tromboneliness

Definitely go to Al-Anon! It's not just for when you're living with an alcoholic.

Basically, there's no way to force an alcoholic to... do anything. If you had tried harder, the result would just have been more pain. This was not your doing.

When we say, "you can't control or fix someone else," I find it makes a lot more sense if I turn it around: How many people are there who are capable of controlling for fixing me? Who do I take my orders from? Is there someone who, no matter how ridiculous a thing they ask me to do, I say, "Yes, right away -- why didn't I think of that?" Obviously, there isn't. I might be doing things I "shouldn't" do, that are harmful to myself, not in my own best interest, self-destructive, etc. -- but I'm going to do them regardless of what someone else tells me. The only way I'm going to change my behavior is if I decide to do it.

My Dad was an alcoholic, too -- he died a little less than two years ago, at the age of 90. Right 'til a few months before he died, he'd sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night and make himself a Manhattan. That was his choice, and believe me, many attempts were made to get him to give up booze. (These were by me, back before I got into the program, and by my sister, the World's Biggest Codependent, right up until shortly after his 90thj birthday, at which which time she gave him a book called Sober For Good, or something like that -- a non-12-step sobriety book of some sort. Naturally, it didn't work -- it never works, unless the person wants to do it.

Read the sticky topics at the top of this forum -- they have a lot of useful information. Good luck!

T

AlwaysGrowing

My first wife died from complications of addiction. Left behind a 8 and 14 year old. We were in the middle of a nasty divorce. The kids and I were never able to have a forgiving kind of conversation while she was able to speak and living. My son struggled with guilt from their arguments and had a choice to keep this anger alive or let go. In the end I left it at the cross where Christ died for us. Where else is there to leave it.
My son struggled for a bit and I think left it there as well after we had talks about it.
Whatever you do, it wasn't your fault and you didn't make him drink. We all make mistakes and say things. We are human after all. God's grace not only saved the kids and I but many others before and well after me.

dbh

Dear PaperxDollz:

I'm so sorry for your loss. My own alcoholic father also died about two years ago. His health had been steadily declining prior to his death. Even though I was expecting it, I found it to be an extremely difficult thing to go through. He was in his early 70s.

Due to his alcoholism, my father didn't participate in my life too much. I'd call him on holidays and birthdays and would drive up to see him every so often. I primarily thought of him as an embarrassment. I got to the point where I gave up hope of him ever getting better and I think I just tried to minimize the affect he had on my own life and family.

During his illness and upon his death, so many conflicting emotions came up. I think deep down I always cared for him and did hold onto hope that he would somehow become the father that I always wanted. When he died that dream was gone. I spent time mourning the father I got and the father that I wished I got.

Things that helped me through - regularly seeing a therapist, attending Al-Anon Adult Child meetings, participating in on-line groups, and talking with friends who also had alcoholic parents. There was a priest at my church, who also grew up in an alcoholic home, that sat and listen to me often.

We also held a memorial service for my dad a couple months after he died. That helped with my grieving process.

Make yourself at home - look over the forum, read, and post.

Again, please accept my condolences for your loss. You're not alone.

Sending you strength,

db

CarolD

Prayers of comfort coming your way
and to all who love your Dad.
Mega

We all are born with a certain day to die
regardless of how.

I do think greif counseling is a good idea.

Tuffgirl

Dear Paperxdollz,
I recently had a loss through a terrible tragedy in my life. It happened 9 days ago, and the pain is still very fresh and raw. Crying all the time is perfectly ok. I cry a lot too, at the strangest of moments. This morning, I was driving to work, had the radio on and the old song "sarabeth" by rascal flatts came on. I cried the entire song. By the time I hit the office, I was ok again. Letting out the grief helps a lot.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I have not lost my parents yet, but came very close last week and it was a rattling feeling of being suddenly alone in the world. It made me realize that when the time does come, it will be very difficult.

There was nothing more you could have done for your Dad. His drinking was his choice to make, not yours. Its the unfortunate downside of this disease, watching those we love slowly kill themselves and feeling so very powerless to do anything to stop it.

Al-Anon is there for you always - don't hesitate to go because your Dad has died. As a matter of fact, I know in my home group you would be more than welcomed by the many whose parents, spouses, children have died from addictions. Al-Anon is their safe place to grieve and remember.

Talk all you want here. We all understand. Counseling is good if you can afford it and make sure you find a therapist who has experience in addictions and Adult Children of Alcoholics. And Al-Anon is only a dollar (if you happen to have one on hand!)

Prayers to you today. Take good care, and keep coming back,
~T

Impurrfect

((PaperxDollz)) - I'm so sorry for your loss. I know grief takes time, there are various stages and for me, at least, I flip-flopped through the stages. I haven't lost a parent to addiction, but I have lost other loved ones to it.

The people here have been a huge amount of support, as they "get" what we are feeling. Al-anon also helps many people. Grief counseling is good, finding one that is knowledgeable about addiction is even better.

I'm also a recovering addict. I know addiction from both sides of the fence. I can tell you that there is nothing more you could have done. I shared love and an addiction with someone. I finally hit bottom, he did not. Even knowing the addiction inside and out, I couldn't change him.

It may also help you to read and post around the site - you aren't alone, and sometimes that brings a bit of comfort.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Seren

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your father. This disease is so insidious--just hate it!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss too PaperxDollz.
Please don't blame yourself.

I've been the alcoholic and I've been the loved one...

as the alcoholic I know I had people who loved me, but I was caught up in the madness...I didn't really believe I'd come to grief.

as the loved one I know that I loved all a person could love, with everything I had...I'm sure you did too.

Prayers for you and your family.
D

greeteachday

I'm so sorry for your loss. I found it took me time to go through all the many feelings I had, and that there was no one way to feel as i grieved that was "normal." I had only been going to meetings for a few months before my loss and I stayed with the group for several years after the death. I felt that I was surrounded by people who understood.

Please be gentle with yourself and do what feels right for you. Often having a grief counselor to help through the process is very helpful.

CatsPajamas

I am so very sorry for your loss. A very close friend lost her BF of 16 yrs to this disease about 3 months ago. It's such a sad, sad thing and I understand how sad and mad you feel. My friend has continued to attend Al Anon and has found it to be extremely helpful. I know I continue to find loving friendship and support even after 19 yrs of Al Anon. The people there underestand like others who have not lived with this disease cannot.

Hugs and prayers
Cats

Freedom1990

My heart goes out to you. No child should ever lose a parent to active alcoholism.

I am grateful I was able to find sobriety and share that gift with both of my daughters (now 24 and 34 years old).

Please know I will keep you in my prayers, and please feel free to post here whenever you need to.

Pain shared is pain lessened. Hugs!

Lara

Dear PaperXDollz.... I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my dad in 2001. He had been an alcoholic most of his life. The irony is the last 3 years of his life he stopped drinking. But the damage had been done. He picked up a very bad stomach bug, and because the alcohol had destroyed his body, he could not fight the bug, and he died in my arms aged 51 years old!!!! It took me many many years to get over it. I still haven't. But through joining groups like SR and I believe Al-Anon- it offers some support in understanding the disease and the affect it has had on you, and your family and siblings - that if you don't get professional support it will screw up so much for you - the decisions you make about almost everthing. You I am sure loved your dad very much. And he loved you. you are allowed to mourn your dad. It will take many years to come to terms with his death. And this is okay. don't stop talking about your dad. And just know, that one day you will meet again - and then you can talk - so don't panic about having so much still to say to your dad - believe me - where your dad is now - he hears you! I promise! Just pray for him to go safely home - to Christ - or to whom ever you believe is the Greater Power. Pray for him 'Say God speed Dad'. There is no limit to mourning - and don't let anyone put pressure on you to 'get over it' or 'its' time to move on'.... you will do it in your own time..... but no your dad is okay now- but it is now YOUR time to heal from the wounds of alcoholism. It is such a desctructive disease. I am already 38 years old (I lost my dad when I was 27) - and I feel I have wasted the best years of my life - carrying all the crap, and negative emotions of living with an alcoholic dad..... be gentle with yourself!!!