Confronting parent about signs of dementia
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Beaverton
Posts: 2
Confronting parent about signs of dementia
Hi All,
I decided to create an account here because I am in desperate need of advice from people who may have dealt with similar situations.
My father has been a heavy drinker since his early thirties. Today he is 62. My father is a functional alcoholic. Professionally, he has been very accomplished. Outside of work, he has had multiple failed turbulent marriages. He has had trouble forming bonds with his children, has even lost a home or two to the failed relationships and money mismanagement. Today he has been disowned by his siblings and his extended family. The only people who look after him are my sister and myself. He has also lost his high paying job due to sexual harassment allegations and now works part time making substantially less money while he waits for his medicare and social security benefits to begin.
One of his main characteristics is lying. He lies about everything from how much he drinks to very trivial every day things. In recent years, this trait has become much more pronounced and obvious. He has also been getting easily confused and will repeat things multiple times within a conversation. Sometimes he seems drunk (slurring speech, etc) when it is apparent that is probably sober.
A couple months ago, he received a DUI. Despite my sister and I being present to assist him through the DUI process, he started making wild claims that my sister and I never called him, visited him, etc. At the time we assumed this was an attention getting scheme. As part of the DUI, he was ordered to go into a treatment program but I'm pretty sure he is still drinking. He refuses to admit that he has a drinking problem.
Two weeks ago, he had a fall and fractured several ribs. The circumstances of the accident are unclear. When we heard he was going to the hospital, he told us not to come visit him and that he had a girlfriend (?) with him who was looking after him. I talked with him multiple times that evening and he was released after about five hours in the ER.
Several days after the fall, he began making wild and inaccurate allegations about my sister and I. He claimed he was in the hospital for 2 full days, that we never called or talked with him, and that his two dogs were left to starve while he was hospitalized. Obviously this is not true at all. When confronted with the actual details of the event, he gets very confused and then repeats the same inaccurate story. To some degree, this kind of confusion and confabulation now occur in almost all of our interactions.
My sister and I have confronted him about his alcohol abuse for multiple years but my father refuses to address it. He clearly is not at a point where he wants to seriously pursue treatment... and I'm assuming he may never get treatment. However, this dementia aspect is seriously concerning to me. When confronted about his memory of events, he just gets confused or denies it. Clearly he needs medical help, but he has so far refused it. With very little access to the personal details of his life, we are not sure when to intervene or even how to do it. We are also not sure what to expect in terms of the degradation of his mental capabilities.
What should we do? Is there anything we can do?
I decided to create an account here because I am in desperate need of advice from people who may have dealt with similar situations.
My father has been a heavy drinker since his early thirties. Today he is 62. My father is a functional alcoholic. Professionally, he has been very accomplished. Outside of work, he has had multiple failed turbulent marriages. He has had trouble forming bonds with his children, has even lost a home or two to the failed relationships and money mismanagement. Today he has been disowned by his siblings and his extended family. The only people who look after him are my sister and myself. He has also lost his high paying job due to sexual harassment allegations and now works part time making substantially less money while he waits for his medicare and social security benefits to begin.
One of his main characteristics is lying. He lies about everything from how much he drinks to very trivial every day things. In recent years, this trait has become much more pronounced and obvious. He has also been getting easily confused and will repeat things multiple times within a conversation. Sometimes he seems drunk (slurring speech, etc) when it is apparent that is probably sober.
A couple months ago, he received a DUI. Despite my sister and I being present to assist him through the DUI process, he started making wild claims that my sister and I never called him, visited him, etc. At the time we assumed this was an attention getting scheme. As part of the DUI, he was ordered to go into a treatment program but I'm pretty sure he is still drinking. He refuses to admit that he has a drinking problem.
Two weeks ago, he had a fall and fractured several ribs. The circumstances of the accident are unclear. When we heard he was going to the hospital, he told us not to come visit him and that he had a girlfriend (?) with him who was looking after him. I talked with him multiple times that evening and he was released after about five hours in the ER.
Several days after the fall, he began making wild and inaccurate allegations about my sister and I. He claimed he was in the hospital for 2 full days, that we never called or talked with him, and that his two dogs were left to starve while he was hospitalized. Obviously this is not true at all. When confronted with the actual details of the event, he gets very confused and then repeats the same inaccurate story. To some degree, this kind of confusion and confabulation now occur in almost all of our interactions.
My sister and I have confronted him about his alcohol abuse for multiple years but my father refuses to address it. He clearly is not at a point where he wants to seriously pursue treatment... and I'm assuming he may never get treatment. However, this dementia aspect is seriously concerning to me. When confronted about his memory of events, he just gets confused or denies it. Clearly he needs medical help, but he has so far refused it. With very little access to the personal details of his life, we are not sure when to intervene or even how to do it. We are also not sure what to expect in terms of the degradation of his mental capabilities.
What should we do? Is there anything we can do?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello shawn, and welcome to this corner of SoberRecovery 
This forum is fairly quiet. The folks here may not have any information to share with you, which is why you have not received any replies yet.
There are a number of things you can do. Start by educating yourself about the disease of alcoholism. A good place to start is the forum "next door":
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
The posts at the top of that forum, the "sticky posts", are full of information you might find useful.
Next, explore what resources are available in your area. Start with this organization:
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
They have an excellent selection of books and pamphlets on the subject.
As you explore the above feel free to toss out any questions you may have.
Mike
Moderator, SR
This forum is fairly quiet. The folks here may not have any information to share with you, which is why you have not received any replies yet.
Originally Posted by shawn57187 
...What should we do? Is there anything we can do?
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
The posts at the top of that forum, the "sticky posts", are full of information you might find useful.
Next, explore what resources are available in your area. Start with this organization:
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
They have an excellent selection of books and pamphlets on the subject.
As you explore the above feel free to toss out any questions you may have.
Mike
Moderator, SR
I have a question...
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Hi Shawn,
I haven't been around for a while, and I just read your post today. Sadly, I don't have any suggestions or insight for you right now because I am in a very similar situation.
For now, I've had to step back from my alcoholic parent because my relationship with her was taking a severe toll on my own mental, emotional, and physical health.
My mom denies the severity of her memory loss and cognitive impairment--I'm not sure, to be honest, that she has the ability to see/understand just how ill she is.
I hope that others will see this thread and post their experiences and that you and your sister find the wisdom you need. :)
~fenestra
I haven't been around for a while, and I just read your post today. Sadly, I don't have any suggestions or insight for you right now because I am in a very similar situation.
For now, I've had to step back from my alcoholic parent because my relationship with her was taking a severe toll on my own mental, emotional, and physical health.
My mom denies the severity of her memory loss and cognitive impairment--I'm not sure, to be honest, that she has the ability to see/understand just how ill she is.
I hope that others will see this thread and post their experiences and that you and your sister find the wisdom you need. :)
~fenestra
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 8
Hi - I am in the same boat as the poster above. It's so very difficult and I can relate to your fears and frustrations. If you go to agingcare.com, click on "forums" and then click on "forum topics" you will find a whole host of forums that will provide a great deal of information, understanding and support for those of us dealing with this horrible situation.
Remember to be kind to yourself and take care of your needs in all of this. It can suck the life out of you if you let it.
Best of luck to you.
Remember to be kind to yourself and take care of your needs in all of this. It can suck the life out of you if you let it.
Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Dear Shawn57187:
When I read through how your father is treating you and your sister, I thought no wonder he is estranged from the rest of his family!
I'm sorry that you are going through this situation. I know how difficult dealing with an aging alcoholic can be.
My alcoholic father lived on his own in this run down apartment until his dementia got so bad even he realized he couldn't function on his own. Guess I should be grateful that he eventually reached out for help. I had a cousin who helped me with medical and psychological evaluations. He also had medical problems that he couldn't treat on his own because he would get confused about medications.
My dad ended up in a senior home that provided 24-hour support. A social worker at one of the hospitals helped me find a place that was within his income level (which was a challenge).
It was difficult time in my life, but believe it or not the entire process had a healing affect on me and my relationship with my dad. When I was trying to get him help I called a ton of agencies. Almost every state and county has an "Office of the Aging" department. I repeated my father's story and the story of our family over and over again. There was something healing about no longer keeping his alcoholism a secret. I got to the point where I no longer felt responsible for how his life turned out. I also no longer felt the shame that I had carried around for most of my adult life.
I did what I could, but I also made sure I took care of myself and my family in the process.
Thank you for sharing and for letting me share.
Sending hugs and support,
db
When I read through how your father is treating you and your sister, I thought no wonder he is estranged from the rest of his family!
I'm sorry that you are going through this situation. I know how difficult dealing with an aging alcoholic can be.
My alcoholic father lived on his own in this run down apartment until his dementia got so bad even he realized he couldn't function on his own. Guess I should be grateful that he eventually reached out for help. I had a cousin who helped me with medical and psychological evaluations. He also had medical problems that he couldn't treat on his own because he would get confused about medications.
My dad ended up in a senior home that provided 24-hour support. A social worker at one of the hospitals helped me find a place that was within his income level (which was a challenge).
It was difficult time in my life, but believe it or not the entire process had a healing affect on me and my relationship with my dad. When I was trying to get him help I called a ton of agencies. Almost every state and county has an "Office of the Aging" department. I repeated my father's story and the story of our family over and over again. There was something healing about no longer keeping his alcoholism a secret. I got to the point where I no longer felt responsible for how his life turned out. I also no longer felt the shame that I had carried around for most of my adult life.
I did what I could, but I also made sure I took care of myself and my family in the process.
Thank you for sharing and for letting me share.
Sending hugs and support,
db
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Beaverton
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for your feedback. I almost wish my father was worse off so that I could intervene on his behalf. Unfortunately, he has enough remaining executive skills and income to reasonably look after himself. He has had countless chances to enter recovery and I honestly believe that if he was going to do it, he would have. Instead he has chosen alcohol over personal relationships, financial stability, and even his children. My sister and I can threaten him with removing our support, but I honestly think he would just continue to drink in our absence. For the mean time, we will continue waiting at an arm's length until the point comes where it is clear we can intervene. I have already done the prudent thing of removing family heirlooms from his home so that they didn't get sold, broken, or lost.
After my father's latest incident, he and I have been on bad terms. We haven't really talked since then and my sister explains to me that he doesn't understand why. It's kind of heartbreaking, but I need the space from him.
It's hard watching a family member in decline, but I don't want this to take over my life.
After my father's latest incident, he and I have been on bad terms. We haven't really talked since then and my sister explains to me that he doesn't understand why. It's kind of heartbreaking, but I need the space from him.
It's hard watching a family member in decline, but I don't want this to take over my life.
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